Introduction:

I'm a fan of ShuuxKira, and just had to turn the pairing and usual hurt/comfort/angst genre on its head because I'm a crazy jerk like that.

Characters/Pairings:

Yumichika, Renji, KiraxShuu. Yes. In that order. Serious!

Warning:

Crude language. Lots of yaoi and kinky implied Shuuhei torture.

Disclaimer:

Only a depraved fan could write something like this and live. Tite Kubo would just get lynched.

"Yumichika! I'm here!" A bony hand rapped on the fifth seat's door.

Silence.

"Ayasegawa – san?"

Still no reply. But Kira could hear a distant shuffle, indicating that the building was occupied.

"This is Lieutenant Kira Izuru. Please open the door."

A single eye appeared in the peephole and regarded the lieutenant with a look of utter disdain, before it rolled upward and its owner departed without a word.

"Oi, Yumichika! I've brought the stuff you asked for. We had a deal!" Kira knocked on the door a little harder this time, simultaneously holding up the open box of nail polish and stick-on jewels for Yumichika to examine from the peephole. This was getting on Kira's nerves. Yes, his former captain was a traitor and he was ashamed. Yes, he wasn't exactly the most arrogant vice-captain out there, nor one used to pulling rank. But dammit, here he was hand-delivering a beauty package to the house of someone three ranks below him, and a pink-and-floral painted one to boot. And he had the cheek to leave him standing there like an idiot.

Yumichika couldn't resist peeking at the cosmetics and reappeared at the hole. The eye narrowed as he peered carefully at the little bottles and jewels. Kira had been uncannily accurate in picking the desired shades of delicate lilac, metallic turquoise and pearlescent blue; but the orange one was not quite to his liking; he remembered asking for fiery orange, not sunset orange. Still the lieutenant had made up for that error by purchasing a staggering variety of nail jewels including the ones Yumichika wanted. Of course, this was more likely due to him not knowing how to select the right ones, Yumichika reflected; but he felt inclined to be forgiving. Just not too forgiving.

The eye paused in its survey of the box's contents and finally looked up at Kira.

"Is that all?"

If he didn't risk breaking the appendage when Yumichika opened the door, Kira would have gladly stuck his finger through and poked him in the eye. Did the vain little prick have any idea how humiliating it felt to browse for more than an hour before lining up at a cash register with sniggering, twittering girls in a women's makeup store? No wait…of course he did; except for the humiliation bit. Kira promptly lost it.

"I, LIEUTENANT Kira Izuru of the Third division, command you - FIFTH SEAT Yumichika to open the GOD(Bang!)DAMNED(Bang!) DOOR(Bang!) this FUCKING INSTANT or I will SHOVE THIS BOX UP YOUR UGLY KIESTER WITH THE SOUGYOKYU!" The threat was accompanied by a middle finger flashed directly in front of Yumichika's eye.

Well, that was a nice surprise, Yumichika reflected. Whoever knew that meek little Kira could be provoked to graphic violence where his manly pride (and promised information regarding his senpai) was concerned? With luck and that sort of aggressiveness, he might just be able to handle what was coming later.

"Mmm…could be better. But come in."

The door swung open and Yumichika showed the irate lieutenant inside. Kira entered. The home was impeccably clean and beautifully decorated, as expected. The other shinigami led him to an overstuffed couch liberally draped with sequined cushions and he sat down gratefully, placing the box on the low table before him.

"You've got your nail polish and gems. Now tell me about Hisagi Shuuhei."

Yumichika snatched the box off the table and tucked it possessively into his lap. He yawned, and then sighed.

"Right, where do you want me to start?"

"Well, you obviously know something important about my partner that I don't; and I…"

"…think it's important to learn more before you first fuck him tonight. Right?" Heedless of Kira's barely concealed indignation, Yumichika finished for him. Judging from the blush slowly spreading across his cheeks, the Eleventh divisioner wasn't far off the mark.

"Well...I guess; though I wasn't thinking about being the one…fucking...him." The crude adverb sounded awkward to the lieutenant's own ears. Not for the first time, Kira found himself a little resentful of his upbringing as a lesser noble.

"You'd better. Lemme guess…you are thinking: Hisagi-senpai is such a sexy, manly, and mature guy who; after wiping the tears from my eyes, is gonna sweep me into those warm, muscular arms of his before pinning me to the bed and plundering my eager, virgin asshole while I scream Sereitei down with earth-shattering pleasure. Correct?"

"…"

Damn, that lieutenant is easy to read, Yumichika thought. Still, Ikkaku was easy to read too; and that didn't automatically make him a pushover. Kira would need to have a backbone, whether he wanted to or not.

"He'll do it. In fact, he'll do anything for you..."

Kira answered only with a sheepish smile.

"…even if he doesn't always enjoy it. He lives to please you."

"No, no…wait. He's always cared about me. I can't put him through something he's not comfortable with. Why might he not like that?"

"Because I know his type. Sometimes a man cannot help but paint a tough exterior in order to inspire confidence and admiration from his subordinates…and juniors. I know he cared for his poor family when still in Rukongai. I know he was a mentor to you and several other students. I know he was made a seated officer straight out of the Academy. There has never been a time when leadership hasn't been thrust upon his shoulders. And now, Tousen is gone too."

"What are you implying?"

"You, Kira Izuru, are his lover and you will bloody well coddle him so he can finally take a break. Even talking about you makes him relax. Sorry dear, but I think you're gonna have to do the fucking more often than you think. Can you?"

"I guess so. Yeah." Understanding seemed to dawn across Kira's features, before he looked puzzled again. "How do you know he's really like this and not someone who simply likes taking the lead?"

"Well the answer to that's a lot more straightforward. Look closely at him. The scars…he got them trying to protect you right?"

"Yes. Renji and Momo too." Kira was by now slightly uncomfortable with how much the fifth seat seemed to know about his partner; but was too fascinated to walk away.

"We all know the Fourth division pansies could have healed him so neatly that those would disappear. Even now, an easy cosmetic kidou could remove them instantly. But for some reason, he wants to bear those scars."

"I don't think he means it that way, Yumichika. Zaraki-taichou's got scars too, and you're not going to convince me your captain's secretly waiting for someone to kiss them."

"That's different. My division doesn't like kidou. Period. Anyway," Yumichika quickly changed the topic to cover his discomfort at the statement, "he wears a collar. That's a pretty obvious sign of a submission fetish, if you ask me. Clip a leash onto it and he'll be yours to take for walkies."

Kira's eyes widened at a sudden memory. Two weeks ago he'd given Shuuhei a little gift, a tiny pendant emblazoned with the symbol of his noble clan. Said pendant was presented on a sturdy metal chain; but by the next week, it was dangling from Shuuhei's collar instead…

"Ah, good. You understand then. Then I guess you also understand why he's got a '69' on his face. That tattoo actually means two things. One, it saves him the embarrassment of explaining a favorite sexual position; with the bonus that his straight-laced former captain could not actually see it! Two, tattoos indicate a man who likes to submit to pain for what he loves."

"Some people might get tattoos just because they look good."

"Then why is it I haven't gotten a single one? And if he thinks it makes him look good, why is Iba's tattoo completely hidden under his clothes? What about Renji then; who gets them to represent achievements in his life while simultaneously calling himself a stray dog because his captain won't cuddle him and take him home…"

"Oh god. Tell me this conversation isn't happening. Are you saying Hisagi-senpai likes pain and …"

"Yes."

"And he might actually want me to…"

"Yup."

"…oh god."

There was a long pause as Kira slowly digested the day's revelations, which Yumichika took advantage of to take the box to his bedroom. Returning to his guest, he found that he had quit gaping like a landed trout and had rallied himself. Kira was now staring at him with eyes like piercing blue fire. This was a very good sign. Another pregnant pause followed as the lieutenant seemed to meditate on how to best phrase the next burning question.

"Tell me…what happened on the roof?"

Ahh…that fight. "Cutting straight to the point eh, Kira…"

"That's Lieutenant Kira…"

"I know, I know. Look do you want to know or not? Okay… there I was, about to get my ass handed to me by your lover-boy; when I realized I had to unleash my shikai if I were to have any chance of survival."

"He wouldn't have killed you if you acknowledged defeat."

"Hellooo…? Sereitei to Kira; in case you haven't noticed, I'm from the Eleventh, and we don't surrender."

"Your funeral. Anyway, go on…"

"So before he used his shikai, I told him what Fuji Kujaku could do and took it out to show him…you know, to give him pause for thought."

"That's a nice way of saying you were hoping to intimidate Shuuhei. Fat chance."

"I wouldn't say that too soon, considering you don't know what my zanpakutou does."

"Well, what does it do?"

"The answer to that is worth more nail polish then you can possibly afford, dear Lieutenant; though you can always ask Shuuhei to tell you for free." Yumichika replied cryptically. He didn't want too many people to know about the reiatsu-drinking capabilities of Fuji Kujaku. "What I can tell you is how the effect looks like. Simply put, green, glowing vine-like tentacles sprout from the hilt and very gently but firmly grapple my opponent."

It wasn't so much what Yumichika said that unnerved Kira; but the way he said it – so casually and yet with an attitude of obvious perversity. Fuji Kujaku was intimidating in the most disturbing way possible.

"Well, he wasn't intimidated, to his credit. But he definitely put up less resistance than I expected…"

It began to dawn on Kira what the other shinigami was implying.

"…not enough resistance, it seems, to even release his own zanpakutou…he had such a beautiful look on his face when I finally bid him farewell…Lieutenant Kira Izuru, your beloved Hisagi Shuuhei is a masochist. And," Yumichika glaced at a nearby clock, "he's waiting at your place. Happy Birthday by the way."

Somewhere in a stereotypically dark alley in Sereitei, an archetypal shady figure was carrying a proverbial large and suspicious bundle slung across his shoulders. The alley was in the main residential area, the shady figure was a grumbling and bruised Renji, and the bundle was a writhing but much less battered Shuuhei.

The redhead reached Kira's home and grinned with satisfaction as Shuuhei's eyes widened with horror. Powerful limbs easily took Renji over the low wall, forced open a window, and gently deposited the other lieutenant on a sofa in Kira's living room alongside a bag of other presents from his friends. Against his senpai's silent pleading, Renji just could not resist opening the bag for quick peep inside; taking care to keep the mouth facing away from Shuuhei.

Captains Ukitake and Shunsui probably contributed the most innocuous present. A hamper full of chocolates awaited Kira. On close inspection however, most were filled with hard liqueur. Isane and Nanao had also pooled their expenses for a more costly gift. The enormous book was filled with instructional pictures in full color and carried a warning against minors on its front page. Hitsugaya provided a very practical bottle of lubricant. Matsumoto's name was on a selection of scented massage oils.

The remaining gifts were a little scarier.

Iba was probably inspired by his captain; since he'd contributed a leash.

Most of the bag was occupied by Rukia's gift – several metres of white silk rope.

Finally; sweet, innocent Momo had her name attached to a very formidable-looking riding whip.

And when Renji grinned and eventually left Shuuhei behind; the latter shifted a little to make himself more comfortable in his restraining cuffs and pondered how Kira would react on discovering him like this. Lips curled at the edges of the ball gag as he shivered with anticipation.

A/N: Dedicated to the shuukira LJ community which I love to visit but cannot join since I don't blog; and to Kira Izuru's belated March 27 birthday.