Disclaimer: Naruto is the sole property of someone else. Nose pressed to the window, I can only watch as he passes by. Sniff.

Chapter 14- A shocking news release fuels the take at the box office to dizzying heights as Icha Caligula 2: Full Frontal Assault premieres in Rock Country.

And our story comes to an end. Floating in formaldehyde, it awaits your dissection (otherwise known as a review? Am I review-streetwalking unchecked again? Where's that pimp Tsunade when you need her…)

o0o0o0o0o

Theotoku sat and waited patiently for the younger boys to stop giggling. It was rather disappointing; he really thought they would make an effort to shine for this competition. But Tell surely would be the winner of the contest. His presentation was astounding. He had a whiteboard with his timetable and costs and flowchart neatly done in four colors.

"So you see," Tell said smugly, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands clasped comfortably behind his back, "all of Suna is ours. They never realized the poison was in the water supply because I flushed the conduit with clean water after a few days, and the effects didn't begin for a couple of weeks. It's slow acting, and the cures were locked up in Leaf by a Hokage who somehow received very bad intelligence information that Suna was loaded with gold and holding out. I know for a fact that she upped the price past their reach."

He waited a few beats for dramatic effect, then continued. "So we will have the Sand region to ourselves, and with a great deal of assistance in the form of reparations from a very guilty Konoha. I think we can make them take care of the mass burials and perhaps get them to…will you two stop that?" Tell glared, his moment in the sun being sullied by the cackling magpie twins.

'I think you need to go back and recheck that," Tom grinned.

"I was there a little over a week ago, the majority of the people were in the wards dying. Even ninjas. Oh, they managed to swing a few cures, but the vast majority of them were in their last days. Trust me on this." Tell glared.

"Last I heard they all got cured," Tim said happily, examining his nails with a smirk.

Tom just smiled as he slowly began to understand all the ramifications of this.

Theotoku began to have a doubt or two as well. "Boys, how do you know this?"

"Oh my Gods, we outsmarted Tell!" blurted Tom, sounding surprised.

"Yeah…yeah, we did!" Tim shook his head. "I'll be damned."

"Explain it to me, boys," Theotoku said with the boundless patience a father would need to survive such offspring.

"We sent the cures to Suna."

Tell's mouth twisted sideways in disbelief and anger. "You did not."

"Did, too." Tom sniffed. "Don't believe me? Go to Suna and see for yourself. Those cures went…about a week ago I'd guess."

"You lying little…" Tell waved a threatening red marker at the pair.

"This is easy enough to verify," their father said, knowing how important it was to stop these little tiffs before weapons were drawn. "Let's send a runner." He waved a hand to a waiting assistant, who bowed quickly. "Go. Suna. I need a status report." The assistant high-tailed it immediately out the doors and Theo returned his attention to his boys.

"So, does that wrap it up for you, Tell?"

Tell nodded stiffly.

"Your turn." Theo nodded to Tim and Tom.

"We propose that it isn't necessary to choose. We propose that the most logical and efficient and mature thing to do is for all of us to have an equal say. " Tom said, blatantly reasonable. "We would be like a team, or a council."

"What, are you on drugs?" roared Tell. "What kind of nonsense is that?"

"It's not nonsense," Tim smiled. Oh, that darn Ru…he was right! "We mean it. We think that sharing the responsibility and the rewards makes good sense."

"You idiots! You complete and utter morons! I'd rather be staked out in the sun with a wet leather thong around my neck! With my ass dipped in honey, on a fire ant hill!" Tell was furious, slowly starting to believe that they may have actually done something stupid enough to screw up his hostile takeover of Suna, his first kick-ass move as the next ruler of the High Cliff.

The patriarch of the family rubbed this forehead, a familiar ache starting behind his tired eyes. Well, they'd come up with some very unexpected presentations, all right.

Maybe the tinsmith would agree to come back and take over if he begged. He was their stepfather after all.

But no, he had to get a grip. He had made this a competition, fair and square. If Tell truly had failed, Tim and Tom are the winners. And they could decide to let their brother rule with them if they chose. Or not.

o0o0o0o0o

Released to an enthusiastic public, the Icha sequel was wiping up box office records like no other. It was the ideal time to begin stumping for the next installment of the series Icha Caligula 3: The Pert and the Pendulous. Or so it seemed. In reality, without Jiraiya on board, it was all over. Yet the promotional event went forward in apparent seriousness.

"We were going to do a scene here in 2, but decided not to. We have the new project coming up, and this would be the first location for the sequel." Higaara said expansively, waving to the beautiful vista, then to the bubbling tar pit far below. He went to the very edge of the precipice, causing the PR people's sphincters to clench nervously.

"You're kind of close to that edge there," Raizou said delicately, stepping up next to the closest shouldercam operator.

"Rai, you came! Glad to see you, " the actor beamed, his regret at the man's attendance suppressed. "This is our Production Coordinator, absolutely the best in the business. He's very dedicated, no doubt you've noticed just how much we've improved the quality of our films. He's here ahead of schedule to take his notes so he can start ordering the props and equipment."

Higaara's attention on Raizou made it believable for the planted snake to dart from his hole in the ground unseen and sink its deadly fangs into the porn star's muscular calf, pumping certain death into the ivory frame.

The PR people had the most amazing front-row view, and a spectacle of this magnitude struck them dumb as nothing else ever had. The colorful snake was a very distinctive and instantly recognizable variety. That this bite spelled death without question was immediately known to all.

Raizou reacted a split-second too late to catch the ostensibly stunned actor as he stepped back onto nothing, plunging over the side and falling hundreds of feet into bubbling blackness, the snake still gnawing fiercely into his flesh. He was being consumed by the steaming pit even as the poison's first wave of agony racked his body. He was a ninja, and as such was still conscious in spite of plummeting so very far. He felt fully the impact of the fall; the sure, terrifying sinking; the blistering suffocating heat; and the screaming nerve poison. It lasted for several hellish minutes as the members of the pack brave enough to peer over the edge and snap a few photos or aim video cameras watched in fascinated horror. The pictures captured his upturned eyes, his face tragically handsome and resigned even in agony as it reddened and disappeared completely under the greedy muck. Eerily, he made no sound, and the pit consumed him fully with only the popping and hissing of the molten tar as comment. As quickly as that, he was gone forever.

Raizou choked and couldn't suppress the tears that sprang to his shocked wide eyes. Someone took his arm to steady him and make sure he didn't slip over the edge. He went to his knees instead, face in his hands. As the excited witnesses found their voices once more, his ears refused to process them. Eventually, he rose and fled back to his home, to his wife and a bottle of rum. He refused to watch the news or read the papers for a full week. It was only the Kazekage's kind offer of a position in the Suna acquisitions office that brought him out of his depression. He took it eagerly; he didn't think he could bear to return to work at the studio again anyway.

Not far away, Gaara's transformed body jerked as he sat in wait, hidden in his private tent. The cry of pain he tried to suppress came out strangled and low, his eyes watering until tears rolled down his cheeks. His eyes flashed blue one last time and then eased back to their natural cool jade, as he had finally finished absorbing the experience of a most agonizing and terrifying death.

He took it like a man. He had subjected the Leaf nin, Naruto's pride, to what could have been a similar scenario, and he somewhat deserved the punishing experience that he now endured. It was agonizing yet somehow cleansing at the same time. And now Higaara was laid to rest, that somewhat disgusting alter-ego put to good use one last time. The PR from that little setup would send the movie into unbelievable box-office heights, and the 'bootleg' video of the bite and the fall, not technically a snuff film but close enough, should bring in enough extra revenue from disc sales to Rock alone to build the new pre-genin academy Suna had been needing for years.

It had been quite exhausting and took no small amount of skill to first morph into his usual Higaara persona and then make a sturdy clone of it, one capable of staying tangible right up to complete destruction. Gaara slumped down to gather his strength, mentally consoling himself that he still had his amazing memories: of the wild good times and warm friendship with a certain witty, easygoing sannin. Of the crazy feeling of being attracted to a man that turned out to be none other than Naruto's father figure. Of the slightly egotistical feelings of being one hot daddy himself, and all the adoration and perks that came his way while his slightly altered body enjoyed every aspect. Not all of it had been reprehensible. No, there were some good times there, good times indeed.

And instead of dwelling on the loss of it all, instead of indulging in the sadness at losing one friend and at nearly destroying the trust of his closest, he concentrated instead on getting back to see his brother in the infirmary. He focused on the relief of knowing that if another mission like the one Kankurou just went on was submitted to him, he would simply refuse the request. His brother, his people, had won new freedom, and he proudly took credit for bringing this newer, brighter day to his village. It was worth it, a hundred times over.

o0o0o0o0o

When Jiraiya read of the accident he was saddened but somehow not surprised. He knew fully what the effect of Higaara's well-publicized death would be on the film, and that the increased revenue would boost the village's financial stability. He didn't doubt that it was carefully planned and that Higaara had participated without a second thought.

He just hated it when someone proved to be more dedicated, selfless and brave than himself. It was really the only unforgivable thing in their whole sordid, ill-fated friendship.

o0o0o

Kakashi and Iruka never discussed their feelings about Higaara's demise. Kakashi, for one, felt that it was good use of an otherwise useless bastard, but wasn't sure if Iruka felt the same way. Rather than cause trouble, he let it go. He would have discussed it if Iruka had wanted to, of course, but the chunin never did.

Iruka was shocked and his heart reacted fifty different ways. He'd never had a chance to even see the man to respond to the written note, the one he'd destroyed after reading and then experienced regret for not replying. The apology seemed genuine, the compliments on his character were sweet, and the expressed regret that fate had squelched the opportunity for them to be friends seemed so warm and a bit lonely. After hearing the explanation for the man's heinous actions Iruka had felt rather sorry and sympathetic; he knew how he would feel in a similar situation, hell, he'd been there when seduction was part of his mission. The feeling was gut-wrenching. It left one almost inconsolable. If he'd been unattached he would have run to comfort the poor man. But alas, he knew it would have been a very bad thing for his relationship with the copy nin, so he just assumed they'd make formal amends the next time they crossed paths.

But there'd be no crossing of paths now. What a horrible end for such a misunderstood man. And it tinged Iruka's heart with guilt that he never responded to the apology. For all the man knew, Iruka hated him. It was a hard thing to bear, thinking that someone left this world with bad feelings you could have relieved them of so easily.

o0o0o0o0o

"That's definitely my ass."

"No, it's me. Look right there, at that girl's belly ring. She was in my scene. I remember."

"She was added digitally! That is my ass, I ought to know my own ass when I see it."

"I've had a better view of than you have. "

Well, arguably a good point.

"Well, it's my ass even if you were wearing it at the time,' Iruka sniffed, then 'urk'ed at how that sounded.

"But that's not my favorite way to wear it," Kakashi leered, a very happy man indeed. He never dreamed he'd be able to watch porn with his Ruka. Now he had Ruka on DVD on the screen and Ruka on the futon with buttery fingers and sweet cola-tasting lips right here at home. A man should not have such wealth. Little Kakashi was getting worked to death and there were no complaints whatsoever.

"You're not the one that has to keep signing his own buttcheek on the DVD cover," huffed the playfully indignant chunin.

"Fame's a bitch, I've always told you that."

Finally, a smart remark so he could retaliate. Iruka pounced and popcorn flew as they rolled off the futon and landed in a softly thudding tangle of frantically groping hands and leglocks.

And as they moved into serious lovemaking, Kakashi for the hundredth time had to dismiss from his mind just how incredibly similar this sound was to the one made by the shortening in the hot water bottle. He was eternally grateful that the movie was now on disk instead of in the theaters, somehow during the stint in the theaters Iruka was approached constantly with jealousy-inspiring offers that all but died off when the movie hit DVD.

But now they had some semblance of normalcy and privacy. And after attending the gala premier, Kakashi did not have Iruka attend such a film with him in public ever again.

The mortification of having the lights come up and seeing the snickering faces of Naruto and Sakura had cemented that ban anyway.

Epilogue:

In the years to come, Icha Caligula 2: Full Frontal Assault found infamy as the longest running 'midnight movie' in Konoha history. Irukashi's (thankfully unidentified) naked posterior close-ups in the explicitly-angled palm-tree-shinnying scene became the most recognizable cult icons since the lips in Rocky Horror Picture Show and Donnie Darko's rabbit pal. For a simple nin, it was a remarkable legacy indeed.

And video night up in the Cliffs clan compound was never quite the same again.

(Yes, it's really THE END now.)

Well OK I didn't have as much fun with this as I could have, in deference to those whose found the thought of Iruka being forced into a true porno to be unforgivable. Maybe I need to do a less delicate version for adultfanfiction! You never know! XD