Warning: Okay, so this story is still under rating T, but I am really not sure if I should move it up to M. THERE MAY BE SOME GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION (depends on your standard of 'graphic'). Please tell me if I should change the rating.

It was not the sights that scared him the most.

No, surprisingly, visuals were not the worst part. That did not mean that the visuals were good. They were far from good.

But even worse were the sound. The smell and the taste. And the feeling.

The sound of gunfire. The sound of agonizing cries. The sound of explosion and collapsing buildings. The sound of last breaths and collapsing families.

The smell of burnt flesh. The smell of fear. The taste of bile. The taste of blood. And because he got so familiar with it, the smell of blood, too. Even though he did not know that humans can smell blood. Or maybe humans really cannot. But he can.

The feeling of the coldness of a gun. The feeling of the coldness of the heart. The feeling of pain so sharp he knew even if the wound healed it would not go away. The feeling of numbness because he got used to the perpetual pain. And everything turns empty and blank.

And then they come back to haunt him: the sound, smell, taste and feeling of death.

Alex woke up from his nightmare like countless nights before. There was a slight difference. Jack was not there, standing in the doorway, trying her best to hide her worrying expression away but failing miserably at it.

This must be part of the reason Jack left, Alex thought. She accidentally came across Alex having a nightmare once and had since then checked on Alex from night to night. But there was nothing she could do. Soothing words and hot drinks could not bring closure. Not to this type of nightmares. She asked if Alex should go talk to a psychologist. But MI6 never mentioned anything. And Alex can't really just go and talk to some random psychologists because, well, his experience was a secret. He was a secret. A national secret.

Jack tried all she might. And Alex really wanted it to work. He wanted everything to be right again.

Obviously Jack failed and so did Alex. So this night (or was it already a morning?) Alex woke up from his nightmare, and Jack was not there. How could she be? She left and was no longer in the house. A house, not a home. Not anymore.

Alex decided to get up from his bed and go to the kitchen for a glass of milk. Guaranteed that it would not be the solution to his problems but he no longer asked for a solution. Right now all he want is a glass of milk because that is all he could want.

While microwaving the milk he heard a sound behind him and almost jumped into an attack. But the other person made himself known from a safe distance, calling out Alex's name. And Alex relaxed at his voice.

Alex turned to face Ben who was walking into the kitchen, where the blinds on the window were not closed, and as the night was a full moon with excellent weather, moonlight was pouring through the window, illuminating the room enough so Alex did not need to turn on the lights to see. And there was enough light for Alex to see concern in Ben's eyes. Alex did not like that. That was what Jack's eyes held ever since he came back after his first mission.

In an attempt to lift the atmosphere in the room, Alex cleared his throat to say something, but all he could come up with was "you know, you were going to be attacked had you not called my name that early. "

"Yeah." Ben said. He was silent for a few seconds and then added, "I know. That was why I called your name that early. Because I guessed that you are…you know, people whose automatic response for an approaching person is an attack." He paused again and added, "I am like that myself."

That was the first time Alex realized how different living with Ben was going to be. Because Ben did not need him to explain some of the things. He knew. He understood.

They were both silent. Then the microwave finished heating the milk and beeped harshly. Alex, almost startled by the sound, quickly retrieved the milk, and took a seat at the small table in the kitchen. Ben stood there and watched as Alex quietly drank from the glass. Alex did not look at Ben in the process but he could feel the man's eyes on him.

The sigh was so light Alex almost did not hear it. But he did. He looked up to see Ben sitting down on another chair at the kitchen table, but not before adjusting the position of the chair so he was sitting right next to Alex, side be side shoulder to shoulder.

"Nightmares?" Ben said, barely louder than a whisper.

It was not a question and Ben did not need an answer. He was looking at Alex knowingly. "I am not the go-to person for therapy. But you know…in case you want to talk…" He sighed again, this time much more heavily, "but I doubt what you want is to talk. Because I don't, either. But it's okay."

Alex wanted to scream that it's not okay and then Ben lifted the arm next to Alex and reached over and hugged him across the shoulder and suddenly that urge to scream died.

And they just sat there, side by side, in a comfortable silence. Alex did not know for how long they spent like that. It seemed so long, yet it felt so short at the same time.

Then Ben patted him, took his arm off and Alex felt a coldness rush to him. He held on to the now empty milk glass, still radiating residue heat from the milk. He felt Ben gently pushing his shoulders, slightly turning Alex so they are now face to face.

"You know, there is something I would like you to know." Ben started, "before I came here I read you file, and…I just want to know that you are really good at this. Really, really good."

Alex blinked. If his eyes were not cheating on him, then it must be the truth that Ben was, in fact, blushing. Alex felt a smile reaching the corner of his mouth. Ben stood up hastily. And with a half-muffled "I'm going back to sleep", he left the kitchen. By then Alex was sure that Ben was blushing. And by then Alex had definitely been smiling.

Alex remained at the kitchen table. He closed his eyes, tilting his head backwards. He could feel the moonlight gently touching his closed eyelids. And it felt good.

It felt good to hear that from Ben.

It felt good because it mattered. A confirmation mattered. And not just any confirmation, it was a confirmation that came from someone who had seen his fair share of death and blood, pain and terror. It came from someone who understood why Alex would have nightmares, someone who actually knew what kind of images overflows those nightmares, someone who had been there and would be there right beside Alex in a world of lying and killing and be the trustable and dependable.

It meant a lot, more than Alex had realized.

But now Alex did realize how much it meant. He wanted to say 'it meant a lot', 'it's nice to hear that', or even just a 'thank you'. The reason he did not say anything was not because Ben left so quickly; he could still say it if he was able to.

But he wasn't able to. He could not find his voice. There was a block of emotions that sprawled out all the way from his heart to his entire body, and it denudated his voice.

And as Alex sat there on the kitchen stool, that huge burden of emotions slowly melted away. He tried to grasp of what exactly the feeling was called. And unsurprisingly to him, he failed to reach a conclusion.

But he did ascertain what kind of feeling it was. Normally a praise would generate a one hundred percent sweet feeling. But this was not the case. Ben's praise felt sweet, but the reason it felt sweet and meant so much, was bitter. So it may be a cliché but the best word to describe how Alex felt was bittersweet.

In the life of Alex Rider, however, even the tiniest bit of sweetness is greatly appreciated.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day was a weekend. Alex went back to bed when the first branches of dawn was crawling through the window and spreading out onto the kitchen floor, and when Alex woke up it was near noon. Having gone through the morning routine but not bothering to change out of his pajamas, Alex walked into the kitchen, and found Ben in there, eating a bowl of cereal.

Alex stared at him. "Is this breakfast or lunch?"

"Well, it's cereal…" Ben answered.

"Yeah, but it's noon! Don't tell me you just woke up?"

Ben shook his head, "No. I wake up early in the morning. Always. A habit I've developed because of…um, my job."

Alex raised an eyebrow, "You know, you don't have to act as if you don't want to accidentally reveal what your job is. I mean, I know what it is."

Ben put down his bowl and his lips curved into a smile, "Yeah, I…sorry, I just realized. You know, ever since I started working for MI6, all conversations about my job are either carefully avoided or carefully fabricated." Ben sighed, but the smile in his voice was not fading, "I mean there are still people who know that I am working for MI6, but like, in normal day life…I can never, ever let slip of what my job is." He paused. "Now I don't. I don't have to lie about all that stuff, about me being a banker...and this feels great. You know?"

Alex smiled, "Yes, I know."

And they were doing the smiling-at-each-other-feeling-silly-and-great-at-the-same-time thing again.*

Finally Alex remembered what triggered the whole scenario, "Um, so, since you woke up really early, I would assume that you had breakfast, so how come you are eating cereal at lunchtime?"

"Oh well…people have things they are good at and things they are, you know, not so good at…"

Not needing any further hint, Alex said "I will cook" and headed into the kitchen, and made sure to send a mischievous smirk in Ben's direction before he went. And for the second time in approximately half a day, Ben blushed. So either Ben was really susceptible to blushing or Ben was really susceptible to blushing due to Alex.

And somehow Alex knew that it was not the former one.

Soon the smell of food began dancing in the air and somehow it made the air so much warmer. For the first time since Jack's departure, Alex felt that something is right. It felt like that this house is a home again. And to Alex's shrinking ordinary-teenage-boy world, a home is all he can still ask for.

So it was more than a feeling of something is right. In fact, for Alex Rider, this certain noon, in the kitchen pretending that he did not know Ben had sneaked in and was standing behind him trying to see what he is cooking, everything is right.

*Refer back to chapter 2 to see what I meant by the whole smile-at-each-other thing. Sorry it's been such a long time…

Arthur's message:

Alex, enjoy the peaceful life while you can. Because it won't last long. *checks outline for this story* Yup, definitely won't last long.

Wait, on a second thought. Consider how "often" I update my fic, it will actually last pretty long.

So the reason for not uploading sooner…all I can say is I am really really sorry.

Well I am currently enjoying my 2-week Christmas/New Year break but really it's not a break (ah, smooth shift of topic, I know, I am an expert at this). I have 7 university applications due in three days. And a 35-page chemistry package to study and memorize for test on the first day after the break. And a 60-page physics package to study and memorize for test on the second day after the break. And something else I can't remember at this moment. But don't worry, once I bring up the courage to check my to-do list I will remember.

Well, I guess the person who really should enjoy peaceful life while he/she can is me.

Oh, and today is my birthday. I am sure it is the best birthday ever considering all the work I have. Really. How can it be any better? (Sorry, sarcasm is my new best friend.)

Sorry to all of you who have not yet totally given up on this fic. Or me, for that matter. No, you don't need to tell me that there really isn't anyone…I know ;(

HUGE thanks to all of you who helped and responded to my little question regarding Ben's appearance at the end of the last chapter. I have yet to find a good place to really insert his appearance (because it's wierd to start rambling about a character's appearance out of no reason in the middle of a story) but you guys are amazing!

And thanks to all of you who have reviewed before. Maybe I didn't mention this beofre but I read all the reviews over and over again and feed on them. =P

Um. What else. Oh yeah, if you have been so kind and managed to read through my rant without giving up, I guess you can be even sweeter and drop a review? *puppy eyes*