Memories- Part 16
Disclaimer- You guys know this all by now (…. And plus I am just way to lazy today to write it)
Note 1- For those of you who thought that the songfic was the last chapter. Sorry you are the weakest link…. Goodbye! Hehehe…. Anyways it wasn't.
Note 2- I find myself writing this again after watching CBS's show 'The Guardian'. I did that last time too. And it's the weirdest show to get inspiration from too…. Hehehehe
I guess it's all finished now. I never wanted it to be, that's why it's taken so long. Jordan is like my baby, I've written him from start to finish, so maybe it was a little hard letting go (. Anyway thanks to Megan G. My biggest fan (she'll be happy when I mention her) I think I will make more of Jordan's story before horizon. And someday you will see him on your bookshelves!
HOSPITAL ROOM-
Jordan woke up to the blinding light, it hurt his eyes immensely. He had been drifting in and out of consciousness for 2 days. The doctors were lessening the pain medication so he would get up now and then. The pain from his arm and his head, especially his head really was getting to him. He tried to pull himself up. There was no one in the room, and he was glad. He wanted to be alone. Eventually after a few minutes though he dosed back to sleep.
15 MINUTES LATER
Jordan opened his eyes to the slight tapping at the door. Though still partially asleep he sat up again. It was Jamie, and… and her family at the door. He had to be imagining this.
"You look like crap." Were the first words out of Jamie's mouth as she came to him.
"Jamie is that you?" He asked barely in a whisper, not wanting to ruin it if it were a dream.
"No it's the queen of England." Jamie said laughing hugging him softly.
"I'm sorry…" he cried to her, "I'm sorry." He buried his head in her shoulder and chest.
"Shhhh you'll be okay." She whispered to him, kissing his head.
After a few moments Jordan stopped. He couldn't look at them. He was ashamed. After all his parents had done to him he was ashamed. He couldn't look at Jamie cause he had lied to her, and cried in front of her, he couldn't look at her parents because he had hid it all from them. He knew he had hurt them too.
"So How are you feeling Jordan, Better?" Jamie's mom, Allison asked, hugging him.
"I guess so." Jordan said softly.
"We're so sorry Jordan. We should have known. We should have seen it." Frank, Jamie's father said to him, hugging him too.
Jordan didn't acknowledge what Frank had said. But that was enough for all of them.
"So, how did you find out?" he asked, breathing in deeply though it hurt. "Why did you come here?"
"The administrator of the school called. Frank? Is that his name?" Allison asked.
Jordan nodded his head.
"He told us what had happened. What they had done to you." She continued. "We left as soon as we could. Especially when we heard about everything."
They were all silent for a moment.
"I wanted to tell you so many times." He said to them sadly. "I just couldn't."
******* FLASHBACK ******
14 year old Jordan knocked on the kitchen door of Jamie's house. Hoping she would be alone in the kitchen he wanted to talk to her, to get away for a while. But he soon realized that he wouldn't have it off that easily. She and her Parents were sitting at the kitchen table.
Jamie came to the door. She looked at Jordan. He looked disheveled to say the least. His hair nappy and his clothes dirty. And he had bruises on his face. She wondered where from.
"Hello Jordan." Jamie's mother said, "Come sit down."
Jordan sat down reluctantly. He looked at them, wishing he could hide. He just wondered what he must look like. The bruises from last nights beating so evident. He tried to avoid eye contact with them.
"Are you hungry Jordan?" Jamie's father asked. "Here have a cinnamon bun." He said giving one on a plate to Jordan who eyed it hungrily.
"Thanks." Jordan said as he ate it quickly. He hadn't eaten in a few days, his parents newest form of punishment. They liked slipping in starvation once in a while.
"What happened to your face Jordan?" Jamie's mother asked concerned.
'Tell the truth, you love them, they'll protect you.' A voice inside him said.
"I got in a fight that's all." Jordan said solemnly hoping to be believable.
As he finished up the bun. "Can I have another?" he asked hungrily.
"Sure." Jamie's father said, "Help yourself."
Jordan grabbed another one and ate it in a hurry.
"Is everything okay at home Jordan?" Jamie's mother asked.
Jordan looked at her for a minute. 'No.' he thought to himself. 'Not you guys too. God, why do you have to ruin a good thing, why do you have to ask questions like that?'
"Jordan?" she asked again when he said nothing.
"Everything's fine." He said, a little too loud. "Why do you all have to ask that? Why does everyone have to ask that. 'Oh Jordan are you okay?' 'Oh Jordan is anything wrong at home, you seam a little out of it.'" He said loudly too, his emotions growing. "I wouldn't expect it from you. I thought you guys knew me enough not to ask. But your just like them, your just freaking like them." He said panicky. "Everything is fine, I can take care of myself." He said getting up.
Jamie's house was the only safe place left in the world, his only haven from their wrath at home. From the abuse. And now, just like that, it was gone. He wasn't safe there anymore.
"Bye." He said getting up. "Thanks for the breakfast."
He was out of the door before any of them could reply.
"Jordan wait." Jamie yelled after him.
But he didn't listen. He ran. And that was the last time he ever came over too.
***** END FLASHBACK *****
"I'm sorry that I upset you. And that I stopped coming over. I just…" he said and hesitated "I just couldn't have you be like everyone else."
He looked up at all of them, at the whole family. From Jamie, to her parents, to her siblings Jake and Rylan. The waited for him to say more.
"When you started asking questions, I wasn't safe anymore. Only bad people ask questions, the doctors, the cops, the social workers." He said, knowing how stupid it must have sounded to them when he said cops and doctors were bad people. "You guys weren't supposed to ask questions. I was supposed to be safe with you guys. I always was before. And then you asked questions, and it was gone." He said almost crying, "You guys were the only safe place and you started and it was gone just like that. There was no place else." He said desperately. "You weren't supposed to ask questions. You weren't. I was supposed to be safe with you. You couldn't ask questions and you did. You did and you weren't supposed you. You weren't… you weren't…. you weren't." he said crying now.
"Shhhh." Allison and Frank said hugging him. "We're sorry Jordan. We're sorry."
Just then Peter and Sophie came in. Jordan shot up. He wondered what they would say to him now. Probably that it was all his fault. That he deserved it cause he hadn't told sooner.
"You must be Mr. And Mrs. Johnson." Peter said extending his hand for a shake. "I'm Peter Scarbrow, and this is Sophie Becker."
"Nice to meet you." Frank and Allison said shaking their hands.
"When do I get to leave?" Jordan asked suddenly.
Peter looked at him. Why was Jordan so insistent of going away.
"You were in pretty bad shape Jordan, at least a couple more days. This is the first day you've been awake for a while. They want to check you out."
"I HATE HOSPITALS." Jordan said loudly.
Allison looked over at him and went to sit on his bed. Jordan looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes when she yelled at him. He knew she would.
"Jordan." She said softly. "Jordan look at me." She said, putting her hand under his chin, she was a mom and knew these things.
He looked at her. "I know you don't like hospitals. But it's just for a couple of days okay. And we'll be with you, Me and Frank and Jamie, and those guys too. I know your scared okay. We won't leave you alone here Jordan. You won't be alone." She said. And it calmed Jordan a bit.
"I'm tired." Jordan said after about 15 more minutes.
"Okay, We'll let you go." Jamie said blowing him a kiss. She and her family left. Peter and Sophie followed them.
OUTSIDE THE ROOM-
"Mr. And Mrs. Johnson, can we talk to you for a moment." Peter asked.
"Sure." Frank said. "Jamie, why don't you take Rylan and Jake and get some lunch in the cafeteria, we'll be right there." He said giving Jamie some money.
"'Sure daddy." Jamie said and walked away, not before giving a questioning glance at Peter and Sophie.
"Allison and Frank please." Allison said as they met up with Peter and Sophie. "It's less formal and more comfortable that way."
"Same for us, Peter and Sophie is fine." Peter said. Getting the formalities out of the way Peter got down to business.
"Why doesn't Jordan like hospitals?" Peter asked as the four sat down in chairs across from the room.
"In case you didn't notice Mr. Scarbrow," Frank said, knowing this issue wasn't meant to be casual and the question held more to it than just a simple child-like dislike for hospitals, "Jordan doesn't just not like hospitals, he hates them."
"Why does he hate them then?" Peter asked again.
"We've known Jordan since he was born. Matthew grew up with Frank and I. The three of us ran around together all the time. I don't know what he ever found in Kendra, she wasn't like him. Maybe it was the idea that she was troubled that he latched onto, he felt the need to help her." Allison started, there was no way a simple explanation was possible. "Matthew was a great man. He helped out everyone, even Kendra. If one good thing happened from their marriage it was Jordan, Hailey Jade and Dillion."
She stopped for a moment, looking at Peter and Sophie. Then at her husband, wondering if she should continue or if he would do it. He nodded, telling her to continue.
"Matthew loved Jordan. That boy was his pride and joy. He taught Jordan to love nature. He took him mountain climbing from the time that boy could walk. Kendra was different. More detached. We thought she loved Jordan, and it looked like she did until Matthew Got sick. Maybe it was just to appease him. We don't know." She said. "Anyway. When Matthew was diagnosed it was heartbreaking for everyone. Especially Jordan, even though he was so young, and we tried to keep him from knowing how bad the situation was but Jordan always knew. I know Matthew told him. Matthew never kept secrets from Jordan. He didn't think it was right."
"Jordan started acting differently when Matthew got sicker. We thought it was just his daddy being sick. But we know from Jamie it was more than that. That's when Kendra started to hit him. And with Matthew gone there was no one for Jordan to run to. He changed after that, especially when Kendra married that man, Jackson. Those two were like peas in a pod. The same in every way. Jordan became more protective of Hailey Jade and Dillion. We suspected but we never knew. We hoped we weren't right. For their sake and Matthew's. If Matthew knew, he would never forgive himself. He would never want to see his children hurt. He loved them." She said pausing, coughing. "But I am getting off track. You want to know why Jordan hates hospitals." She said.
"When Matthew got sick the cancer hit very fast and very hard. It started in his kidneys and moved everywhere else. The doctors said that it was in the late stages. But Matthew hadn't felt sick before hand so no one understood. Jordan watched his daddy get sicker and sicker. On the night that they took Matthew to the hospital the final time, a couple of days before he died. Jordan was with him when Matthew started coughing up blood. The ambulance came, we rushed over and Jordan was just standing there. Looking. And Kendra didn't do a thing." Allison said bitterly. "He visited Matthew in the hospital the day that he died. Jordan was 6 and Kendra left him there in the room with Matthew, tubes all down his throat and all over his body. We saw it and had to leave the room, It wasn't the Matthew we knew anymore. It was his body but it wasn't him. Jordan was there when his dad Flat-lined. Matthew died right in front of him. He watched the doctors do CPR and he heard them pronounce him dead. It was a terrible thing and Jordan was all alone. That's why he hates hospitals. They took his daddy away from him. They took his brother and sister way from him. They took it all away and left him alone. That's why he's scared and that's why he hates them." she said sighing loudly.
Allison and Frank were holding hands now. She had said all that needed to be said.
"You couldn't have known why." Frank said. "But we aren't leaving him alone again, in a place like this. You have to understand that." He said. "He's like our son. And We love him."
"We know you do." Sophie said smiling. "We know, and so does he."
BACK AT HORIZON-
The cliffhangers were all sitting around the table in the lodge. They were having an informal group session.
"Hey guys, when do you think Jordan will be back?" Juliet asked worried.
"That is if they let him come back." Scott mumbled under his breath.
"What?" Kat asked.
"I said that's if they let him come back. He did run, and he has no one to pay the tuition anymore. So what if he doesn't come back." Scott said. "I hate to say it, cause it does sound hypocritical with me saying it, but we do have rules, and Jordan broke them."
"I think he's coming back." Juliet said.
"He might be. I asked Peter and Sophie yesterday." Kat said. "And Jordan should be back by the end of the week, maybe that means he's staying."
"Maybe." Scott said still doubting it. "I wouldn't put it past them, but I mean it's very unlikely."
"Can we talk about something else please?" Daisy asked, the topic was lowering her mood and she wanted to talk about something else.
"Like what Daisy, Jordan is our group member, and he's hurt." Juliet said.
"We didn't talk this much about Ezra when he tried to commit suicide, and he almost died." Daisy said stressing the last words. "Get a grip on reality guys. People beat their kids everyday."
"So that doesn't make it right." Shelby said.
"That's right, it doesn't. There's no excuse for it." Daisy said. "But it happens, just like people are raped and killed everyday. Jordan's not any different from hundreds of other kids, just like you two," she said looking at Shelby and Scott "are any different from hundreds of others either. None of us are." She said.
"Yeah we are." Kat said retaliating. "Cause we're getting help. We're beating it."
"Well not everyone has a nice little school to run to." Daisy said.
"God, will you all just shut up." Ezra said finally.
They all looked at him. "Sure bad things happen. But good things happen to. Can we just drop it already." He said. "Now I'm leaving."
Ezra got up and walked out.
"I never thought I'd say this but Freakin is right." Shelby said. "This is stupid. He's one of us. It could have been anyone of us where Jordan is, we've all been there." She said. "Yeah we aren't any different from the millions of other people out there. But we have here and that makes us special."
"Sure does." Auggie said.
The group agreed. The bell rang for class and everyone left.
THE HOSPITAL- THE NEXT DAY
"We need to talk." Peter said sitting across from Jordan, and looking him straight in the eyes.
Jordan looked back. "About what?" he asked.
"How…" Peter started.
"No." Jordan said. "None of this psychoanalysis crap." He said.
"Jordan." Peter said, annoyed just a bit.
"No. I'm sick of all this 'How did you feel when they hit you?' junk." He said. "It's a stupid question." He said. "They're all stupid questions." He said stressing.
"Fine Jordan, you want to talk about a real question?" Peter asked.
Jordan didn't answer. He wasn't ready to fight.
"How did you feel when your dad died then Jordan, is that a real enough question for you?" Peter asked. "Or when your brother and sister got taken away. How did you feel then."
Jordan gasped for breath. It was all so much, so much at once. He didn't want to think about that. The pain that he had felt those times, it hurt worse than any beating he had ever gotten.
"How did it feel when they were ripped away from you? When you couldn't protect them?" Peter asked. "When you couldn't even protect yourself?"
Jordan gasped. He needed an escape. "Jamie." He yelled. "Jamie…. Jamie…" she was in the hall he hoped he heard her.
"How did it make you feel Jordan, tell me." Peter said prodding, it was what needed to be done, it was and he couldn't stop it.
"Jamie. Jamie." Jordan yelled as Jamie came rushing in.
"What's wrong?" Jamie asked as she went over to him.
He hugged her clinging to her for his life. "Please Jamie… please." He said beggingly crying. "Please, please make them stop, make them go away…Please. Please." He said begging, clinging tighter. "I've never begged for anything before just make them stop." He said crying. "Please, Jamie, I'm begging you, please. Make them go away." He said crying, pleading, clinging to her harder and harder.
Jamie had never seen him like this before. Never. And it scared her. By this time her parents had come in and Peter had stood up.
"Please, get out." She said barely in a whisper. "Please." She said. And Peter left.
"Shhh, he's gone. You're okay now Jordan. He's gone, Peter's gone." She said to him, whispering in his ear, rubbing his back, trying to comfort him.
OUT IN THE HALL
Allison and Frank stopped Peter.
"What were you doing in there?" Frank asked.
"Mr. Johnson, this is my job. I've done this for a long time. Working with kids like Jordan." Peter said. "I know what I'm doing, and what needs to be done."
"Not when you're scaring him to death." Allison yelled.
MEANWHILE IN ROOM
Jordan clung to Jamie. He needed safety. It was all too real.
"Do you think they still love me?" he asked softly. "Do you think they know why I did what I did?"
"Who?" she asked.
"Dillion and Hailey Jade. Do they know I love them? Do you think they understand?" he asked pulling away.
"I think they know you love them." She said. "But I don't know if they understand."
He looked at her, he always hoped that they understood, but they were to young, he kept to much from them for them to understand.
"All I wanted was for them to be safe." He said barely in a whisper. "For them to know what it was like when daddy was still there. What I felt like with daddy. I wanted them to feel that even though I never could again. They could." he said. "I took care of them, I got food for them, I stole food for them. I did everything for them."
"That day they left. I didn't want them with me. Mom and dad were getting worse and I couldn't have them hurting them anymore. Jamie, I couldn't… they were so much better than me. So innocent and pure, and they were so little. They didn't deserve what I got.'
'Neither did you.' Jamie thought to herself but didn't say it.
"I called the cops that day, and I told them that my brother and sister needed help, and then I hid so they wouldn't take me. Mom and Jackson would take me over them any day, just so they could keep beating me." He said. "So I let them go. If I had left with them mom and Jackson would have fought for all of us, and we all would have gone back. They wouldn't have been safe anymore. I couldn't do that."
*****FLASHBACK******
Jordan hugged his brother and sister as tight as he could before they left the court room.
"Always remember I love you." He whispered to them. "Dillion, be awesome like you always are." He said kissing his brother. "Hailey Jade, be a good girl. You're growing up so fast. I'll see you soon." He said kissing her.
Hailey Jade had tears in her eyes, she was crying. Jordan hugged her. "Shh baby. It's okay. You're safe now. I love you. I'll miss you. You're gonna be okay." He whispered to her. "Now stop crying." He said putting on a smile for her, and wiping away her tears.
"And you mister, take care of your sister for me." Jordan told Dillion winking at him. "You're gonna be the big brother for a while." He said.
"Why?" Dillion asked.
"Someday you'll understand Dillion. Someday." Jordan said, he couldn't bring himself to say anything else. They didn't deserve to know the truth, it didn't involve them.
'I love you both, and I want you to remember that I will always love you. And I will see you soon okay, And I'll write to you, and everything." He said to them as they left. "I promise." He yelled his last desperate wish. "Never forget that okay, never forget I love you."
********END FLASHBACK ********
"No one understands why I did it." Jordan says. "And everyone thinks I'm bad because I let them go. I'm not. I did what I had to do to make them safe. No one gets what went on in there. No one gets it. No one knows what it was like for me. I protected them, from the time daddy died I protected them. I was 6 for god's sakes. And I was changing Hailey's diapers. What more do all you freaking people want from me. I did what I had to, what I could do. Running. I ran with them, so they could be safe. I sent them to friend's houses so they wouldn't be there when mom and Jackson beat the crap out of me. So they wouldn't have to hear their big brother scream for mercy. I went days without food just so they could have the rest of it. I stole for them. I broke the law for them. I had to get them out." Jordan said. "There was no other way."
"No other way for what?" Jamie asked.
"No way to protect them anymore." He said. "Mom and Jackson hit Hailey, I wasn't home and Dillion tried to protect her, but mom and Jackson got to her. I wasn't home. They got hurt and it was my fault. Because I wasn't there to protect them. And they needed to be safe. I gave all that I had left."
"I couldn't survive without them. And then Gram and Pop said that I couldn't see them that it would be bad for them adjusting with me visiting. I called but I never got to talk to them. I wrote letters and they sent back every single one. And now Hailey Jade and Dillion probably hate me cause they don't get, no one gets, why I did what I did. I promised them that I would see them, that I would write to them, that I would always love them. And Look what happened. I broke that." He said.
"And Now Peter wants me to talk about how it feels. It hurts. It hurts so badly, and I can't make it stop. They were the only things I lived for after Daddy died. When he died my childhood died with him. I lost everything I would ever have with him. My innocents, my everything. But Hale and Dill still had it, I had to protect them. I couldn't let that be taken away from them. I know how that feels, and I didn't want them to feel it." Jordan said. "When I realized that I couldn't protect them anymore…" Jordan said and looked up. Peter was at the doorway.
"You ran." Peter said ending the sentence with the answer he knew Jordan was going to give.
"I ran." Jordan said.
"When things got to tough you got them out and then you ran." Peter said, this was the point he wanted to make. "You did what was best for them, because you always put them before yourself. You thought that they were better than you, were worth more than you, were loveable when you weren't. You thought that they deserved to be safe where you didn't."
"They did." Jordan said in protest, but afraid to speak up anymore, knowing his words would betray him.
"And you deserved it to. But you couldn't do it. You were scared and you ran. Just like you ran before."
Jordan looked down, he didn't even feel Jamie squeeze his hand.
"You ran to protect yourself because you thought that you didn't deserve anyone else's protection. Hailey Jade and Dillion deserved for others to protect them, whether it was you or CPS or someone else, but you didn't deserve that did you?"
"No." Jordan said.
"That's where you're wrong." Peter said.
Jordan put his head in his hands. Running his hands through his hair. He didn't want to hear this.
"I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO." Jordan said loudly. "How many times do I have to say it."
"Until you believe it's true." Peter said. "Which seems to be never."
Jordan glared at him. "They needed out more than I did. I could handle everything. They couldn't. I couldn't get out myself, and don't say I didn't try cause I tried like hell…. Pardon my swearing…" he said.
"I made calls, I told the cops. I did everything you goody goodie's think I haven't done." He said and looked at Peter. "You think I never told, I know you do. I see the way you and Sophie and all of you." He said speaking to Allison, Frank, and Jamie too. "You think I didn't to a darn thing. But I tried. I got us out and we got sent to foster homes, one where I was hit just as bad as at home. Places where no one cared. We even got split up once. And we always got sent back. I tried. You better not think for a minute I just sat by and waited for the moment that mom and Jackson would lay a hand on my brother and sister. You're dead wrong then. I got them out didn't I?" he asked all of them "DIDN'T I?" he said screaming for an answer.
"Yes you did." Allison said coming over.
"Then how come everyone thinks that I'm some bad guy, that I'm some stupid kid cause I didn't leave them when they hit me. I deserved it. You guys don't believe that, but you don't know me." He said, "Maybe Jamie does but you guys can't know me. I'm bad. Why else would no one have wanted me with Hailey Jade and Dillion. Answer me that." He said pausing. "Answer my why mom and Jackson always had a reason to hit me. Ask me why I'm here right now. Ask me why all this has happened if I wasn't bad." He said. "See not a single one of you can."
They all looked at him. They hadn't seen it before. Jordan's internal struggle with what he had always been told and believed versus what they all told him, and what Matthew had told him. And it hurt him. Believing that it was his fault, that he was bad, was the only thing that kept the pain from hurting so much. If he lied to himself it seamed less bad. That this all happened for a reason was a lot better than no one understand why and him being hurt for no reason.
"So will you all just drop it." Jordan said. "Please just drop it."
"No." Was Franks reply. "You're not bad, it's not your fault." He said.
Jordan looked at them. Then shook his head, trying to ignore that statement.
"You're a good person, If I had you as a son I would be blessed. None of this is your fault." Frank said again.
Jordan laughed and shook his head.
"You didn't deserve any of this Jordan, it's not your fault." Frank said again.
"I know." Jordan whispered so quietly that no one could hear it.
"You're not bad Jordan, you didn't deserve this. It's not your fault."
The lies were a means of survival. As long as you believed that it was your fault the beatings didn't hurt as much. The words didn't carry such sting. Cause you believed it was true.
"Don't you…" Jordan said and stopped.
"It's not your fault. You're a very good kid Jordan."
"Don't you think I know that." He finally said, sick of all their talk, "Don't you think I know that it wasn't my fault. But you have to believe some things. It hurts worse when you know you didn't cause it. Every time they slam you against the wall, every time they kick, and slap and punch, every time they take off their belt to hit you with it. Every time they yell at you and tell you your worthless and a piece of crap, and no one would ever love you. Every time that happens, it hurts less if you believe you caused it. If you believe you did something wrong. If you believe their words. It hurts less. It makes the pain less. If you know it's not you're fault. It'll kill you. It will make you scream and cry. It will make them hurt you more." Jordan said stating the truth. "You believe what you need to. You do what you have to do. You can only do so much. And that's all." He said plainly. "That's all, so don't say I don't know that. Quit saying it. Cause you don't know what to do to survive."
"Life's not just about survival Jordan." Peter said.
"Yeah it is. You can't survive, it'll destroy you. I saw daddy die. I didn't want them to kill me too. So I did what I had to do to survive it. To keep them from hurting me, to keep them from killing me, to keep them from destroying the only things I had left. Survival is the only thing that matters. As long as you're alive, you're fine. As long as I knew what I knew, what daddy told me. I was beating them. Every time they hit me and I didn't scream, Every time that belt fell and I didn't yell in pain. Every time I didn't beg, every time I protected Hailey Jade and Dillion, I was beating them. I was making them feel what I felt. As long as I'm better than them, I'm surviving." He said staring at every one of them in the eyes. Something he hadn't had the guts to do to anyone in a long time. "And that's all that matters. Sure the pain hurts but as long as you're alive that's all that matters."
Frank squeezed Allison's hand. No one said anything. All that had been said was.
HORIZON- 2 days later
Scott, Shelby, Daisy, Ezra, Kat, Auggie, Juliet, and Jordan took their seats in English class. Jordan had just gotten back. Frank, Allison, and Jamie stood in the back of the classroom talking to Peter they were leaving that night. They wanted to make sure that Jordan was okay. He had had a tough night last night, talking to Dillion and Hailey Jade for the first time since they were taken away from him.
******THE NIGHT BEFORE- Jordan's hospital room************
"I can't do this." Jordan said to Jamie, his hand's shaking.
"Yes you can." She said to him rubbing his back.
Jordan slowly dialed the phone number to his grandparents' house.
"Hello?" a man said on the other side of the phone.
"I pop." Jordan said clearing his throat. "It's Jordan. You're grandson." He said.
"I know who this is." The man said.
"May I speak to Dillion and Hailey Jade please?" Jordan said barely in a whisper, the man's voice sucking out his courage.
"I don…" the man started to say.
"Grandpa who is it?" A voice said on the other side of the phone. Jordan's heart jumped to his throat. It was Dillion.
"It's for you and Hailey Jade. Tell her to get on the phone too." The man said.
"Thanks." Jordan whispered into the phone. There was a click as another phone was picked up.
"Hello?" 2 voiced said at the same time.
"Dill? Hale?" he asked. "Is it really you?" Jordan said almost in shock.
"Yeah." Dillion said, "It's us." He didn't know who was on the other side.
"This is Jordan you guys." Jordan said.
"Jordan?" Dillion asked almost in a whisper. "Jordan it's really you. Really really you?"
"Yeah Dill it's me. Hailey Jade, do you remember me?" he asked.
Jordan heard a whimper on the other side of the line. "Oh Hailey don't cry. Please baby don't cry." He said soothingly to her.
"Jordan." She cried to him. "You promised to come and see me." She said to him.
"I'm sorry you guys. I love you both." He said trying to appologize, it stung that that was all she could say. "But I had to get safe first. I had to make sure you were okay and then I was okay." He said.
"You're safe now?" she asked questioningly.
"Yeah Hale," He said. "I'm safe now." He said. "No more mommy or dad to hurt me or you or Dillion anymore."
"Jordan why didn't you come back?" Dillion questioned. "Didn't you love us."
"I love you guys, with all my heart. There were things standing in the way. Gram and pop didn't want me to see you." He confessed. "But that's okay, because I didn't want you to. I wanted you to see me well. Mom and dad got worse after you left." Was all he could say. "But I'm away and I'm better now." He said.
"Dillion, Hailey Jade." A voice on the other side of the phone yelled. "Time to get off, we need to leave."
"Jor…" Dillion began sadly.
"I heard them Dillion. It's okay." He said. "I'll explain more to you guys later. Just forgive me okay. I wanted to see you so bad but I couldn't. Hailey understand that please. I love you both." He said.
"I love you Dillion." He said. "Take good care of yourself okay.
"Bye Bro." Dillion said. "I love you too."
"I love you Hailey Jade." Jordan said. "You be my good girl okay. I'm sorry I hurt you and I love you."
"I love you too Jordan." She said.
"Hailey Jade, Dillion, I mean right now." The voice said again. They hung up.
Jordan held on to the phone for another minute after they hung up. He hadn't said all he had wanted to. But at least he had heard their voice again.
********* end of flash back ***********
BACK AT HORIZON
"Who would like to go first?" Roger asked. The class was supposed to read an essay they wrote.
Jordan raised his hand.
"Okay, Jordan." Roger said.
Jordan got up to the front of the class room.
"What have I learned throughout my life?
If you take the good things and the bad
Pain lasts for a while, if it comes from a beating
But longer if someone's taken away from you
Words hurt more if they're true
But less if you believe they aren't
Innocents can remain in others
Though you've lost it in your self
No matter what others say
Sometime running is the safest bet
Slaps hurt
But the belt hurts more
People die every day
But it hurts more when it hits close to home
Cancer kills people every day
They might not look sick but they are
Some times the memories hurt worse
Than the events themselves did.
So here we are with all this learned
There's no changing the past
Daddy still died
Hailey Jade and Dillion were still taken away
Mom and Jackson still beat me
The Johnson's still loved me
Nothing will change what's happened.
The past is in the past
But we're stuck with the memories
Of times both happy and sad
And while the future goes they are
all that will Remain.
The memories we're stuck
Though time will change us all"
He finished and sat down. Scott gave him a slap on the back. All that was said had been said. The stuff that had happened in the past few days had changed Jordan. And all he could do now was use his own advice and just look into the future. Memories might still haunt him, as they do all the cliffhangers once in a while. But with him safe at Horizon, and with the Johnson's, and being in love with Jamie, and being able to talk with his brother and sister again, all the stuff in the future looked good.
Not all the things in the past bothered him, daddy was there. He had loved him. But Matthew had told him to embrace the future. And that is what Jordan was going to do. And Horizon, like it's name, would help him. He was safe, and now that was all that mattered. He had survived.
THE END
I HOPE YOU ALL LIKED IT. AND I WILL MISS YOU ALL. BUT LOOK FOR JORDAN MORE TO COME OKAY. BUT FOR NOW IT IS FINISHED.
Disclaimer- You guys know this all by now (…. And plus I am just way to lazy today to write it)
Note 1- For those of you who thought that the songfic was the last chapter. Sorry you are the weakest link…. Goodbye! Hehehe…. Anyways it wasn't.
Note 2- I find myself writing this again after watching CBS's show 'The Guardian'. I did that last time too. And it's the weirdest show to get inspiration from too…. Hehehehe
I guess it's all finished now. I never wanted it to be, that's why it's taken so long. Jordan is like my baby, I've written him from start to finish, so maybe it was a little hard letting go (. Anyway thanks to Megan G. My biggest fan (she'll be happy when I mention her) I think I will make more of Jordan's story before horizon. And someday you will see him on your bookshelves!
HOSPITAL ROOM-
Jordan woke up to the blinding light, it hurt his eyes immensely. He had been drifting in and out of consciousness for 2 days. The doctors were lessening the pain medication so he would get up now and then. The pain from his arm and his head, especially his head really was getting to him. He tried to pull himself up. There was no one in the room, and he was glad. He wanted to be alone. Eventually after a few minutes though he dosed back to sleep.
15 MINUTES LATER
Jordan opened his eyes to the slight tapping at the door. Though still partially asleep he sat up again. It was Jamie, and… and her family at the door. He had to be imagining this.
"You look like crap." Were the first words out of Jamie's mouth as she came to him.
"Jamie is that you?" He asked barely in a whisper, not wanting to ruin it if it were a dream.
"No it's the queen of England." Jamie said laughing hugging him softly.
"I'm sorry…" he cried to her, "I'm sorry." He buried his head in her shoulder and chest.
"Shhhh you'll be okay." She whispered to him, kissing his head.
After a few moments Jordan stopped. He couldn't look at them. He was ashamed. After all his parents had done to him he was ashamed. He couldn't look at Jamie cause he had lied to her, and cried in front of her, he couldn't look at her parents because he had hid it all from them. He knew he had hurt them too.
"So How are you feeling Jordan, Better?" Jamie's mom, Allison asked, hugging him.
"I guess so." Jordan said softly.
"We're so sorry Jordan. We should have known. We should have seen it." Frank, Jamie's father said to him, hugging him too.
Jordan didn't acknowledge what Frank had said. But that was enough for all of them.
"So, how did you find out?" he asked, breathing in deeply though it hurt. "Why did you come here?"
"The administrator of the school called. Frank? Is that his name?" Allison asked.
Jordan nodded his head.
"He told us what had happened. What they had done to you." She continued. "We left as soon as we could. Especially when we heard about everything."
They were all silent for a moment.
"I wanted to tell you so many times." He said to them sadly. "I just couldn't."
******* FLASHBACK ******
14 year old Jordan knocked on the kitchen door of Jamie's house. Hoping she would be alone in the kitchen he wanted to talk to her, to get away for a while. But he soon realized that he wouldn't have it off that easily. She and her Parents were sitting at the kitchen table.
Jamie came to the door. She looked at Jordan. He looked disheveled to say the least. His hair nappy and his clothes dirty. And he had bruises on his face. She wondered where from.
"Hello Jordan." Jamie's mother said, "Come sit down."
Jordan sat down reluctantly. He looked at them, wishing he could hide. He just wondered what he must look like. The bruises from last nights beating so evident. He tried to avoid eye contact with them.
"Are you hungry Jordan?" Jamie's father asked. "Here have a cinnamon bun." He said giving one on a plate to Jordan who eyed it hungrily.
"Thanks." Jordan said as he ate it quickly. He hadn't eaten in a few days, his parents newest form of punishment. They liked slipping in starvation once in a while.
"What happened to your face Jordan?" Jamie's mother asked concerned.
'Tell the truth, you love them, they'll protect you.' A voice inside him said.
"I got in a fight that's all." Jordan said solemnly hoping to be believable.
As he finished up the bun. "Can I have another?" he asked hungrily.
"Sure." Jamie's father said, "Help yourself."
Jordan grabbed another one and ate it in a hurry.
"Is everything okay at home Jordan?" Jamie's mother asked.
Jordan looked at her for a minute. 'No.' he thought to himself. 'Not you guys too. God, why do you have to ruin a good thing, why do you have to ask questions like that?'
"Jordan?" she asked again when he said nothing.
"Everything's fine." He said, a little too loud. "Why do you all have to ask that? Why does everyone have to ask that. 'Oh Jordan are you okay?' 'Oh Jordan is anything wrong at home, you seam a little out of it.'" He said loudly too, his emotions growing. "I wouldn't expect it from you. I thought you guys knew me enough not to ask. But your just like them, your just freaking like them." He said panicky. "Everything is fine, I can take care of myself." He said getting up.
Jamie's house was the only safe place left in the world, his only haven from their wrath at home. From the abuse. And now, just like that, it was gone. He wasn't safe there anymore.
"Bye." He said getting up. "Thanks for the breakfast."
He was out of the door before any of them could reply.
"Jordan wait." Jamie yelled after him.
But he didn't listen. He ran. And that was the last time he ever came over too.
***** END FLASHBACK *****
"I'm sorry that I upset you. And that I stopped coming over. I just…" he said and hesitated "I just couldn't have you be like everyone else."
He looked up at all of them, at the whole family. From Jamie, to her parents, to her siblings Jake and Rylan. The waited for him to say more.
"When you started asking questions, I wasn't safe anymore. Only bad people ask questions, the doctors, the cops, the social workers." He said, knowing how stupid it must have sounded to them when he said cops and doctors were bad people. "You guys weren't supposed to ask questions. I was supposed to be safe with you guys. I always was before. And then you asked questions, and it was gone." He said almost crying, "You guys were the only safe place and you started and it was gone just like that. There was no place else." He said desperately. "You weren't supposed to ask questions. You weren't. I was supposed to be safe with you. You couldn't ask questions and you did. You did and you weren't supposed you. You weren't… you weren't…. you weren't." he said crying now.
"Shhhh." Allison and Frank said hugging him. "We're sorry Jordan. We're sorry."
Just then Peter and Sophie came in. Jordan shot up. He wondered what they would say to him now. Probably that it was all his fault. That he deserved it cause he hadn't told sooner.
"You must be Mr. And Mrs. Johnson." Peter said extending his hand for a shake. "I'm Peter Scarbrow, and this is Sophie Becker."
"Nice to meet you." Frank and Allison said shaking their hands.
"When do I get to leave?" Jordan asked suddenly.
Peter looked at him. Why was Jordan so insistent of going away.
"You were in pretty bad shape Jordan, at least a couple more days. This is the first day you've been awake for a while. They want to check you out."
"I HATE HOSPITALS." Jordan said loudly.
Allison looked over at him and went to sit on his bed. Jordan looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes when she yelled at him. He knew she would.
"Jordan." She said softly. "Jordan look at me." She said, putting her hand under his chin, she was a mom and knew these things.
He looked at her. "I know you don't like hospitals. But it's just for a couple of days okay. And we'll be with you, Me and Frank and Jamie, and those guys too. I know your scared okay. We won't leave you alone here Jordan. You won't be alone." She said. And it calmed Jordan a bit.
"I'm tired." Jordan said after about 15 more minutes.
"Okay, We'll let you go." Jamie said blowing him a kiss. She and her family left. Peter and Sophie followed them.
OUTSIDE THE ROOM-
"Mr. And Mrs. Johnson, can we talk to you for a moment." Peter asked.
"Sure." Frank said. "Jamie, why don't you take Rylan and Jake and get some lunch in the cafeteria, we'll be right there." He said giving Jamie some money.
"'Sure daddy." Jamie said and walked away, not before giving a questioning glance at Peter and Sophie.
"Allison and Frank please." Allison said as they met up with Peter and Sophie. "It's less formal and more comfortable that way."
"Same for us, Peter and Sophie is fine." Peter said. Getting the formalities out of the way Peter got down to business.
"Why doesn't Jordan like hospitals?" Peter asked as the four sat down in chairs across from the room.
"In case you didn't notice Mr. Scarbrow," Frank said, knowing this issue wasn't meant to be casual and the question held more to it than just a simple child-like dislike for hospitals, "Jordan doesn't just not like hospitals, he hates them."
"Why does he hate them then?" Peter asked again.
"We've known Jordan since he was born. Matthew grew up with Frank and I. The three of us ran around together all the time. I don't know what he ever found in Kendra, she wasn't like him. Maybe it was the idea that she was troubled that he latched onto, he felt the need to help her." Allison started, there was no way a simple explanation was possible. "Matthew was a great man. He helped out everyone, even Kendra. If one good thing happened from their marriage it was Jordan, Hailey Jade and Dillion."
She stopped for a moment, looking at Peter and Sophie. Then at her husband, wondering if she should continue or if he would do it. He nodded, telling her to continue.
"Matthew loved Jordan. That boy was his pride and joy. He taught Jordan to love nature. He took him mountain climbing from the time that boy could walk. Kendra was different. More detached. We thought she loved Jordan, and it looked like she did until Matthew Got sick. Maybe it was just to appease him. We don't know." She said. "Anyway. When Matthew was diagnosed it was heartbreaking for everyone. Especially Jordan, even though he was so young, and we tried to keep him from knowing how bad the situation was but Jordan always knew. I know Matthew told him. Matthew never kept secrets from Jordan. He didn't think it was right."
"Jordan started acting differently when Matthew got sicker. We thought it was just his daddy being sick. But we know from Jamie it was more than that. That's when Kendra started to hit him. And with Matthew gone there was no one for Jordan to run to. He changed after that, especially when Kendra married that man, Jackson. Those two were like peas in a pod. The same in every way. Jordan became more protective of Hailey Jade and Dillion. We suspected but we never knew. We hoped we weren't right. For their sake and Matthew's. If Matthew knew, he would never forgive himself. He would never want to see his children hurt. He loved them." She said pausing, coughing. "But I am getting off track. You want to know why Jordan hates hospitals." She said.
"When Matthew got sick the cancer hit very fast and very hard. It started in his kidneys and moved everywhere else. The doctors said that it was in the late stages. But Matthew hadn't felt sick before hand so no one understood. Jordan watched his daddy get sicker and sicker. On the night that they took Matthew to the hospital the final time, a couple of days before he died. Jordan was with him when Matthew started coughing up blood. The ambulance came, we rushed over and Jordan was just standing there. Looking. And Kendra didn't do a thing." Allison said bitterly. "He visited Matthew in the hospital the day that he died. Jordan was 6 and Kendra left him there in the room with Matthew, tubes all down his throat and all over his body. We saw it and had to leave the room, It wasn't the Matthew we knew anymore. It was his body but it wasn't him. Jordan was there when his dad Flat-lined. Matthew died right in front of him. He watched the doctors do CPR and he heard them pronounce him dead. It was a terrible thing and Jordan was all alone. That's why he hates hospitals. They took his daddy away from him. They took his brother and sister way from him. They took it all away and left him alone. That's why he's scared and that's why he hates them." she said sighing loudly.
Allison and Frank were holding hands now. She had said all that needed to be said.
"You couldn't have known why." Frank said. "But we aren't leaving him alone again, in a place like this. You have to understand that." He said. "He's like our son. And We love him."
"We know you do." Sophie said smiling. "We know, and so does he."
BACK AT HORIZON-
The cliffhangers were all sitting around the table in the lodge. They were having an informal group session.
"Hey guys, when do you think Jordan will be back?" Juliet asked worried.
"That is if they let him come back." Scott mumbled under his breath.
"What?" Kat asked.
"I said that's if they let him come back. He did run, and he has no one to pay the tuition anymore. So what if he doesn't come back." Scott said. "I hate to say it, cause it does sound hypocritical with me saying it, but we do have rules, and Jordan broke them."
"I think he's coming back." Juliet said.
"He might be. I asked Peter and Sophie yesterday." Kat said. "And Jordan should be back by the end of the week, maybe that means he's staying."
"Maybe." Scott said still doubting it. "I wouldn't put it past them, but I mean it's very unlikely."
"Can we talk about something else please?" Daisy asked, the topic was lowering her mood and she wanted to talk about something else.
"Like what Daisy, Jordan is our group member, and he's hurt." Juliet said.
"We didn't talk this much about Ezra when he tried to commit suicide, and he almost died." Daisy said stressing the last words. "Get a grip on reality guys. People beat their kids everyday."
"So that doesn't make it right." Shelby said.
"That's right, it doesn't. There's no excuse for it." Daisy said. "But it happens, just like people are raped and killed everyday. Jordan's not any different from hundreds of other kids, just like you two," she said looking at Shelby and Scott "are any different from hundreds of others either. None of us are." She said.
"Yeah we are." Kat said retaliating. "Cause we're getting help. We're beating it."
"Well not everyone has a nice little school to run to." Daisy said.
"God, will you all just shut up." Ezra said finally.
They all looked at him. "Sure bad things happen. But good things happen to. Can we just drop it already." He said. "Now I'm leaving."
Ezra got up and walked out.
"I never thought I'd say this but Freakin is right." Shelby said. "This is stupid. He's one of us. It could have been anyone of us where Jordan is, we've all been there." She said. "Yeah we aren't any different from the millions of other people out there. But we have here and that makes us special."
"Sure does." Auggie said.
The group agreed. The bell rang for class and everyone left.
THE HOSPITAL- THE NEXT DAY
"We need to talk." Peter said sitting across from Jordan, and looking him straight in the eyes.
Jordan looked back. "About what?" he asked.
"How…" Peter started.
"No." Jordan said. "None of this psychoanalysis crap." He said.
"Jordan." Peter said, annoyed just a bit.
"No. I'm sick of all this 'How did you feel when they hit you?' junk." He said. "It's a stupid question." He said. "They're all stupid questions." He said stressing.
"Fine Jordan, you want to talk about a real question?" Peter asked.
Jordan didn't answer. He wasn't ready to fight.
"How did you feel when your dad died then Jordan, is that a real enough question for you?" Peter asked. "Or when your brother and sister got taken away. How did you feel then."
Jordan gasped for breath. It was all so much, so much at once. He didn't want to think about that. The pain that he had felt those times, it hurt worse than any beating he had ever gotten.
"How did it feel when they were ripped away from you? When you couldn't protect them?" Peter asked. "When you couldn't even protect yourself?"
Jordan gasped. He needed an escape. "Jamie." He yelled. "Jamie…. Jamie…" she was in the hall he hoped he heard her.
"How did it make you feel Jordan, tell me." Peter said prodding, it was what needed to be done, it was and he couldn't stop it.
"Jamie. Jamie." Jordan yelled as Jamie came rushing in.
"What's wrong?" Jamie asked as she went over to him.
He hugged her clinging to her for his life. "Please Jamie… please." He said beggingly crying. "Please, please make them stop, make them go away…Please. Please." He said begging, clinging tighter. "I've never begged for anything before just make them stop." He said crying. "Please, Jamie, I'm begging you, please. Make them go away." He said crying, pleading, clinging to her harder and harder.
Jamie had never seen him like this before. Never. And it scared her. By this time her parents had come in and Peter had stood up.
"Please, get out." She said barely in a whisper. "Please." She said. And Peter left.
"Shhh, he's gone. You're okay now Jordan. He's gone, Peter's gone." She said to him, whispering in his ear, rubbing his back, trying to comfort him.
OUT IN THE HALL
Allison and Frank stopped Peter.
"What were you doing in there?" Frank asked.
"Mr. Johnson, this is my job. I've done this for a long time. Working with kids like Jordan." Peter said. "I know what I'm doing, and what needs to be done."
"Not when you're scaring him to death." Allison yelled.
MEANWHILE IN ROOM
Jordan clung to Jamie. He needed safety. It was all too real.
"Do you think they still love me?" he asked softly. "Do you think they know why I did what I did?"
"Who?" she asked.
"Dillion and Hailey Jade. Do they know I love them? Do you think they understand?" he asked pulling away.
"I think they know you love them." She said. "But I don't know if they understand."
He looked at her, he always hoped that they understood, but they were to young, he kept to much from them for them to understand.
"All I wanted was for them to be safe." He said barely in a whisper. "For them to know what it was like when daddy was still there. What I felt like with daddy. I wanted them to feel that even though I never could again. They could." he said. "I took care of them, I got food for them, I stole food for them. I did everything for them."
"That day they left. I didn't want them with me. Mom and dad were getting worse and I couldn't have them hurting them anymore. Jamie, I couldn't… they were so much better than me. So innocent and pure, and they were so little. They didn't deserve what I got.'
'Neither did you.' Jamie thought to herself but didn't say it.
"I called the cops that day, and I told them that my brother and sister needed help, and then I hid so they wouldn't take me. Mom and Jackson would take me over them any day, just so they could keep beating me." He said. "So I let them go. If I had left with them mom and Jackson would have fought for all of us, and we all would have gone back. They wouldn't have been safe anymore. I couldn't do that."
*****FLASHBACK******
Jordan hugged his brother and sister as tight as he could before they left the court room.
"Always remember I love you." He whispered to them. "Dillion, be awesome like you always are." He said kissing his brother. "Hailey Jade, be a good girl. You're growing up so fast. I'll see you soon." He said kissing her.
Hailey Jade had tears in her eyes, she was crying. Jordan hugged her. "Shh baby. It's okay. You're safe now. I love you. I'll miss you. You're gonna be okay." He whispered to her. "Now stop crying." He said putting on a smile for her, and wiping away her tears.
"And you mister, take care of your sister for me." Jordan told Dillion winking at him. "You're gonna be the big brother for a while." He said.
"Why?" Dillion asked.
"Someday you'll understand Dillion. Someday." Jordan said, he couldn't bring himself to say anything else. They didn't deserve to know the truth, it didn't involve them.
'I love you both, and I want you to remember that I will always love you. And I will see you soon okay, And I'll write to you, and everything." He said to them as they left. "I promise." He yelled his last desperate wish. "Never forget that okay, never forget I love you."
********END FLASHBACK ********
"No one understands why I did it." Jordan says. "And everyone thinks I'm bad because I let them go. I'm not. I did what I had to do to make them safe. No one gets what went on in there. No one gets it. No one knows what it was like for me. I protected them, from the time daddy died I protected them. I was 6 for god's sakes. And I was changing Hailey's diapers. What more do all you freaking people want from me. I did what I had to, what I could do. Running. I ran with them, so they could be safe. I sent them to friend's houses so they wouldn't be there when mom and Jackson beat the crap out of me. So they wouldn't have to hear their big brother scream for mercy. I went days without food just so they could have the rest of it. I stole for them. I broke the law for them. I had to get them out." Jordan said. "There was no other way."
"No other way for what?" Jamie asked.
"No way to protect them anymore." He said. "Mom and Jackson hit Hailey, I wasn't home and Dillion tried to protect her, but mom and Jackson got to her. I wasn't home. They got hurt and it was my fault. Because I wasn't there to protect them. And they needed to be safe. I gave all that I had left."
"I couldn't survive without them. And then Gram and Pop said that I couldn't see them that it would be bad for them adjusting with me visiting. I called but I never got to talk to them. I wrote letters and they sent back every single one. And now Hailey Jade and Dillion probably hate me cause they don't get, no one gets, why I did what I did. I promised them that I would see them, that I would write to them, that I would always love them. And Look what happened. I broke that." He said.
"And Now Peter wants me to talk about how it feels. It hurts. It hurts so badly, and I can't make it stop. They were the only things I lived for after Daddy died. When he died my childhood died with him. I lost everything I would ever have with him. My innocents, my everything. But Hale and Dill still had it, I had to protect them. I couldn't let that be taken away from them. I know how that feels, and I didn't want them to feel it." Jordan said. "When I realized that I couldn't protect them anymore…" Jordan said and looked up. Peter was at the doorway.
"You ran." Peter said ending the sentence with the answer he knew Jordan was going to give.
"I ran." Jordan said.
"When things got to tough you got them out and then you ran." Peter said, this was the point he wanted to make. "You did what was best for them, because you always put them before yourself. You thought that they were better than you, were worth more than you, were loveable when you weren't. You thought that they deserved to be safe where you didn't."
"They did." Jordan said in protest, but afraid to speak up anymore, knowing his words would betray him.
"And you deserved it to. But you couldn't do it. You were scared and you ran. Just like you ran before."
Jordan looked down, he didn't even feel Jamie squeeze his hand.
"You ran to protect yourself because you thought that you didn't deserve anyone else's protection. Hailey Jade and Dillion deserved for others to protect them, whether it was you or CPS or someone else, but you didn't deserve that did you?"
"No." Jordan said.
"That's where you're wrong." Peter said.
Jordan put his head in his hands. Running his hands through his hair. He didn't want to hear this.
"I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO." Jordan said loudly. "How many times do I have to say it."
"Until you believe it's true." Peter said. "Which seems to be never."
Jordan glared at him. "They needed out more than I did. I could handle everything. They couldn't. I couldn't get out myself, and don't say I didn't try cause I tried like hell…. Pardon my swearing…" he said.
"I made calls, I told the cops. I did everything you goody goodie's think I haven't done." He said and looked at Peter. "You think I never told, I know you do. I see the way you and Sophie and all of you." He said speaking to Allison, Frank, and Jamie too. "You think I didn't to a darn thing. But I tried. I got us out and we got sent to foster homes, one where I was hit just as bad as at home. Places where no one cared. We even got split up once. And we always got sent back. I tried. You better not think for a minute I just sat by and waited for the moment that mom and Jackson would lay a hand on my brother and sister. You're dead wrong then. I got them out didn't I?" he asked all of them "DIDN'T I?" he said screaming for an answer.
"Yes you did." Allison said coming over.
"Then how come everyone thinks that I'm some bad guy, that I'm some stupid kid cause I didn't leave them when they hit me. I deserved it. You guys don't believe that, but you don't know me." He said, "Maybe Jamie does but you guys can't know me. I'm bad. Why else would no one have wanted me with Hailey Jade and Dillion. Answer me that." He said pausing. "Answer my why mom and Jackson always had a reason to hit me. Ask me why I'm here right now. Ask me why all this has happened if I wasn't bad." He said. "See not a single one of you can."
They all looked at him. They hadn't seen it before. Jordan's internal struggle with what he had always been told and believed versus what they all told him, and what Matthew had told him. And it hurt him. Believing that it was his fault, that he was bad, was the only thing that kept the pain from hurting so much. If he lied to himself it seamed less bad. That this all happened for a reason was a lot better than no one understand why and him being hurt for no reason.
"So will you all just drop it." Jordan said. "Please just drop it."
"No." Was Franks reply. "You're not bad, it's not your fault." He said.
Jordan looked at them. Then shook his head, trying to ignore that statement.
"You're a good person, If I had you as a son I would be blessed. None of this is your fault." Frank said again.
Jordan laughed and shook his head.
"You didn't deserve any of this Jordan, it's not your fault." Frank said again.
"I know." Jordan whispered so quietly that no one could hear it.
"You're not bad Jordan, you didn't deserve this. It's not your fault."
The lies were a means of survival. As long as you believed that it was your fault the beatings didn't hurt as much. The words didn't carry such sting. Cause you believed it was true.
"Don't you…" Jordan said and stopped.
"It's not your fault. You're a very good kid Jordan."
"Don't you think I know that." He finally said, sick of all their talk, "Don't you think I know that it wasn't my fault. But you have to believe some things. It hurts worse when you know you didn't cause it. Every time they slam you against the wall, every time they kick, and slap and punch, every time they take off their belt to hit you with it. Every time they yell at you and tell you your worthless and a piece of crap, and no one would ever love you. Every time that happens, it hurts less if you believe you caused it. If you believe you did something wrong. If you believe their words. It hurts less. It makes the pain less. If you know it's not you're fault. It'll kill you. It will make you scream and cry. It will make them hurt you more." Jordan said stating the truth. "You believe what you need to. You do what you have to do. You can only do so much. And that's all." He said plainly. "That's all, so don't say I don't know that. Quit saying it. Cause you don't know what to do to survive."
"Life's not just about survival Jordan." Peter said.
"Yeah it is. You can't survive, it'll destroy you. I saw daddy die. I didn't want them to kill me too. So I did what I had to do to survive it. To keep them from hurting me, to keep them from killing me, to keep them from destroying the only things I had left. Survival is the only thing that matters. As long as you're alive, you're fine. As long as I knew what I knew, what daddy told me. I was beating them. Every time they hit me and I didn't scream, Every time that belt fell and I didn't yell in pain. Every time I didn't beg, every time I protected Hailey Jade and Dillion, I was beating them. I was making them feel what I felt. As long as I'm better than them, I'm surviving." He said staring at every one of them in the eyes. Something he hadn't had the guts to do to anyone in a long time. "And that's all that matters. Sure the pain hurts but as long as you're alive that's all that matters."
Frank squeezed Allison's hand. No one said anything. All that had been said was.
HORIZON- 2 days later
Scott, Shelby, Daisy, Ezra, Kat, Auggie, Juliet, and Jordan took their seats in English class. Jordan had just gotten back. Frank, Allison, and Jamie stood in the back of the classroom talking to Peter they were leaving that night. They wanted to make sure that Jordan was okay. He had had a tough night last night, talking to Dillion and Hailey Jade for the first time since they were taken away from him.
******THE NIGHT BEFORE- Jordan's hospital room************
"I can't do this." Jordan said to Jamie, his hand's shaking.
"Yes you can." She said to him rubbing his back.
Jordan slowly dialed the phone number to his grandparents' house.
"Hello?" a man said on the other side of the phone.
"I pop." Jordan said clearing his throat. "It's Jordan. You're grandson." He said.
"I know who this is." The man said.
"May I speak to Dillion and Hailey Jade please?" Jordan said barely in a whisper, the man's voice sucking out his courage.
"I don…" the man started to say.
"Grandpa who is it?" A voice said on the other side of the phone. Jordan's heart jumped to his throat. It was Dillion.
"It's for you and Hailey Jade. Tell her to get on the phone too." The man said.
"Thanks." Jordan whispered into the phone. There was a click as another phone was picked up.
"Hello?" 2 voiced said at the same time.
"Dill? Hale?" he asked. "Is it really you?" Jordan said almost in shock.
"Yeah." Dillion said, "It's us." He didn't know who was on the other side.
"This is Jordan you guys." Jordan said.
"Jordan?" Dillion asked almost in a whisper. "Jordan it's really you. Really really you?"
"Yeah Dill it's me. Hailey Jade, do you remember me?" he asked.
Jordan heard a whimper on the other side of the line. "Oh Hailey don't cry. Please baby don't cry." He said soothingly to her.
"Jordan." She cried to him. "You promised to come and see me." She said to him.
"I'm sorry you guys. I love you both." He said trying to appologize, it stung that that was all she could say. "But I had to get safe first. I had to make sure you were okay and then I was okay." He said.
"You're safe now?" she asked questioningly.
"Yeah Hale," He said. "I'm safe now." He said. "No more mommy or dad to hurt me or you or Dillion anymore."
"Jordan why didn't you come back?" Dillion questioned. "Didn't you love us."
"I love you guys, with all my heart. There were things standing in the way. Gram and pop didn't want me to see you." He confessed. "But that's okay, because I didn't want you to. I wanted you to see me well. Mom and dad got worse after you left." Was all he could say. "But I'm away and I'm better now." He said.
"Dillion, Hailey Jade." A voice on the other side of the phone yelled. "Time to get off, we need to leave."
"Jor…" Dillion began sadly.
"I heard them Dillion. It's okay." He said. "I'll explain more to you guys later. Just forgive me okay. I wanted to see you so bad but I couldn't. Hailey understand that please. I love you both." He said.
"I love you Dillion." He said. "Take good care of yourself okay.
"Bye Bro." Dillion said. "I love you too."
"I love you Hailey Jade." Jordan said. "You be my good girl okay. I'm sorry I hurt you and I love you."
"I love you too Jordan." She said.
"Hailey Jade, Dillion, I mean right now." The voice said again. They hung up.
Jordan held on to the phone for another minute after they hung up. He hadn't said all he had wanted to. But at least he had heard their voice again.
********* end of flash back ***********
BACK AT HORIZON
"Who would like to go first?" Roger asked. The class was supposed to read an essay they wrote.
Jordan raised his hand.
"Okay, Jordan." Roger said.
Jordan got up to the front of the class room.
"What have I learned throughout my life?
If you take the good things and the bad
Pain lasts for a while, if it comes from a beating
But longer if someone's taken away from you
Words hurt more if they're true
But less if you believe they aren't
Innocents can remain in others
Though you've lost it in your self
No matter what others say
Sometime running is the safest bet
Slaps hurt
But the belt hurts more
People die every day
But it hurts more when it hits close to home
Cancer kills people every day
They might not look sick but they are
Some times the memories hurt worse
Than the events themselves did.
So here we are with all this learned
There's no changing the past
Daddy still died
Hailey Jade and Dillion were still taken away
Mom and Jackson still beat me
The Johnson's still loved me
Nothing will change what's happened.
The past is in the past
But we're stuck with the memories
Of times both happy and sad
And while the future goes they are
all that will Remain.
The memories we're stuck
Though time will change us all"
He finished and sat down. Scott gave him a slap on the back. All that was said had been said. The stuff that had happened in the past few days had changed Jordan. And all he could do now was use his own advice and just look into the future. Memories might still haunt him, as they do all the cliffhangers once in a while. But with him safe at Horizon, and with the Johnson's, and being in love with Jamie, and being able to talk with his brother and sister again, all the stuff in the future looked good.
Not all the things in the past bothered him, daddy was there. He had loved him. But Matthew had told him to embrace the future. And that is what Jordan was going to do. And Horizon, like it's name, would help him. He was safe, and now that was all that mattered. He had survived.
THE END
I HOPE YOU ALL LIKED IT. AND I WILL MISS YOU ALL. BUT LOOK FOR JORDAN MORE TO COME OKAY. BUT FOR NOW IT IS FINISHED.