Commitment is a sin unto one's self

Theme date: December 25, 2007.

Spoilers for the later (and heaven forbid, serious) arcs of the series; we also note that senbei are spicy chips.

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He used to think stupid things just before he went to bed, or went out on a mission, or during those rare moments when he almost doubted the decisions he had made as the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi. Stupid things meant snippets of her smile in his memory, a reflection of her eyes in his sake, an echo of her voice just within his ear, and the occasional daydream of the day he could finally come and see her and stand proud as he held her hand and said exactly what he would never be able to say to her, under present circumstances.

Silence and duty cost him a lot more than he would let on to his comrades — it had, for one, cost him Okita's friendship, and he paid for it in matters silly and serious, small and large. Sometimes, the frustration would reach breaking point, and he'd be tempted to break a few pieces of furniture and shout a little and just generally explain himself and get the treatment that he rightfully deserved, but what stopped him was the realization that she probably didn't like the idea of him fighting with her beloved — her only — brother.

Now, as he sat on a rooftop in the wind and cold eating her last bag of senbei, Hijikata discovered that in some sense, he had a lot to regret, more than he would ever be able to say or live by.