Gun Bang, Girl Gang
An Ouran High School Host Club Fanfiction
DISCLAIMER: Ouran High School Host Club is the property of Bisco Hatori.
It was yet another day at the Host Club for Fujioka Haruhi. Another day of squealing girls and mistaken identities, another day of teasing and torture, and another day of cakes and catfights. Of course, another day at the Host Club meant another costume. And Haruhi thought she'd gotten used to the exotic golden dangling things or the most chic in rich world fashion, when she came into the Third Music Room that day and saw the Host Club in black suits.
Okay… what are you guys doing this time?
"Oh, Haruhi!" Tamaki greeted her. "You're just in time. You'd better get changed."
"Into what?" Haruhi replied flatly. "This definitely doesn't seem very normal for the Host Club…" Black suits? She had expected some shiny material, not something out of a funeral.
"We're going for the spy theme today!" Hunny piped up today, holding up a very realistic gun in his right hand. Posing with it, he pointed it at the wall and yelled, "Bang!"
And sure enough, there was a bang.
Haruhi couldn't tell what it was that shot out of the barrel as Hunny energetically pushed the trigger, but she was terrified. The Host Club already had two highly skilled martial artists. They certainly did not need guns to help them, real or not.
She turned to the twins, Hitachiin Hikaru and Kaoru, who were holding up a covered coat hanger. Doubtless they were doing the costume shtick again…
"Wait," she said, holding up a hand. "Before I get shoved into whatever you're going to make me put on, might I ask how you came up with this idea?"
"Did you ask a question, my charming Haruhi?" Tamaki sidled over to the group of first-years, fixing his bow tie. "Why, this is the way I pick all the themes, if you must know. It's a secret, so don't tell anyone!" And with that, he brandished a bag of sorts.
Some secret, if you enjoy revealing it so much.
"This… is the bag of themes!"
"I think that's obvious enough, milord," Hikaru said. "How about explaining to Haruhi?"
"I was getting there! No need to be so frantic," Tamaki waved the redhead's complaint off. "There was a time when I just had so many exotic ideas for the Host Club to get into that I couldn't choose! So I wrote them all on pieces of paper, stuck them in a bag and voila!" He looked inside the bag, sighing wistfully as though he had some long-lost memories in there. "There's still this one idea that hasn't come up for a long time…"
If you wanted to use it so much, then why don't you just take it out? It's not like anyone's going to argue with you or anything…
"But since I have so many other wonderful ideas, it doesn't really matter which one comes out first!" he concluded, as though he had read Haruhi's mind.
Of course. Anyone that self-centred could always think that way.
Tamaki looked like he was about to head off to do something else. He probably was, when he turned and looked at Haruhi again, standing there in all the school uniform's glory.
"Hikaru! Kaoru! Get her into her costume!" He snapped his fingers in his authoritative manner, to which the twins saluted at once.
"We were going to do that before you stepped in, milord!" the twins immediately replied, and they proceeded to drag Haruhi to a change-room, handing her the coat hanger with her costume hung on it. Haruhi took the cover off of the coat hanger and looked at the costume.
It was a black dress.
"… you've got to be kidding me," she said to no one in particular.
"Milord said you were going to be our beautiful aide," Kaoru told her. "Something about how all spies had one?" He turned to Hikaru for clarification, who nodded.
"You do still remember that all those girls think I'm a guy, right?"
"Well, it's not like it matters to us, right?" Hikaru said, grinning. "I mean, we'll still see you all the time. You just won't dress up like a guy anymore." Haruhi turned from one smirking twin to another, not getting quite a nice feeling from the way the two were staring at her, their eyes glinting.
She reluctantly grabbed the dress and went into the change-room, just in case anything was actually going to happen.
Dear Mother, how are you today? Did you know that I just sold my soul to the devil… again?
"Haruhi! Come to papa!"
Those were not exactly the words Haruhi would want to hear after being press-ganged into wearing a dress that was not at all kind to the fact that she was the embodiment of A-cup. Nevertheless, it happened so frequently to her she soon took it completely in stride. Or at least, she would like for it to be that way.
"She's so – " Tamaki managed to sputter before dashing out of sight, probably into a corner. Haruhi stared at him incredulously. The twins, noticing this, instantly took the opportunity to further punish their lord – of course, this made one wonder; just how far could they go?
On second thought, I probably don't want to know.
Of course, Haruhi's desires were never respected, and so she found out. She watched as the twins began to chuckle evilly, as though they were taunting Tamaki.
"My, my," Hikaru began, bringing a hand to his mouth in mock surprise. "What is milord doing?"
"Having a nosebleed, I presume?" Kaoru replied.
"How indecent! His own daughter, nonetheless…" The two shook their heads as though they were ashamed, though Haruhi did not doubt that they were inwardly dying from laughter. Though if that were the case, how many times had they died already?
She walked over to Tamaki, who was sulking in a corner. Honestly, he really needed to get over himself.
"Tamaki-senpai," she began. "If I'm going to be forced into wearing this, you might as well stop." She continued to stand over him until, eventually, he unfurled his five-foot-ten frame.
"O-okay," he said, still not quite looking at her.
First he wants me in a dress, now he doesn't even want to look at me. What is he doing?
"Haru-chan! Haru-chan! Look at this!" Hunny grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to a small slot along one of the pillars, completely disregarding the fact that she was in two-and-a-half inch high heels. When he finally stopped, she picked herself up, still a little wobbly on the heels, and looked at the slot. It looked like a card could fit in it.
"Takashiii! Bring the card!"
Haruhi watched as the stoic companion to the bubbly fellow next to her walked over and presented a plastic card. Dramatically, Hunny took the card from Mori's hand and swiped it through the slot. For a few moments, nothing happened. Haruhi thought Hunny was going to get disappointed.
Then the ground shook.
A "Wha…?" was all Haruhi was able to get out as she watched a set of televisions, gadgets and various other spy-like equipment emerge from a hole in the corner of the Third Music Room. When the floor finally settled again, Hunny was pulling her to the corner energetically, Mori following to help prop her up.
You have got to be kidding me. Rich people…
"This…" Tamaki rushed in, obviously eager to show his beloved daughter something amazing, "is our set of spy equipment, just like real intelligence divisions!" The twins, who had slid in on either side of Tamaki, nodded in equal eagerness.
Haruhi decided to hold out on telling the five of them that such things only existed in spy movies. She looked over at Kyoya, as though to ask, "Did you really get this installed?"
"It's rather good," he pointed out. "I think it'll prove quite a draw…"
… why me?
"So, what was that you fired when I came in, Hunny-senpai?" Haruhi asked, after being forced to sit down at the spy centre. "After all," Tamaki had said, "the beautiful aide always helps the hero from the headquarters!"
"Oh, this?" Hunny pulled out the gun from his suit pocket. "It's a gun!"
"It-it's not real, right?" Doesn't this school have some sort of protocol against weird things? On second thought, they brought in elephants.
"If you're thinking about the elephants, Haruhi," Kyoya said, walking up to them, "those were a mode of transport for the princess and considered so upon school grounds."
… right. That didn't answer my question. They're avoiding it!
All of a sudden, Haruhi didn't feel quite so safe in the school any more.
"… ah."
Haruhi, Kyoya and Hunny all turned to Mori, who was pointing at one of the screens. It showed a shot of three girls approaching what looked like the door to the Third Music Room, which would have been perfectly normal if it weren't for the fact that their uniforms were reminding Haruhi of something scary…
"Everyone! The scary ladies are coming!" Hunny shouted.
"Agents Hitachiin Hikaru and Hitachiin Kaoru reporting for action!" At once, the twins ran to the 'headquarters', over-the-top as usual. They had their own guns at their sides as they struck a pose, ready to be sent out. The one missing piece of their little group, then, was…
"My, my, what sort of uncivilized imitation of an attempt at espionage is this?"
The voice struck fear into perhaps every member of the Host Club, because, of course, the trio of girls was none other than the Zuka Club. And Tamaki cowering in a corner didn't help.
"We have come to issue a challenge to you, you pathetic fools who think you can spy," the leader, Amakusa Benio, declared. Haruhi pictured an imaginary gauntlet being thrown down. Next to her, she saw Tsuwabuki Hinako approach them with a letter, which said person placed on a table.
"H-how did you get in here without triggering all those lasers?" Tamaki had finally gotten the nerve to stand up and talk to them.
"Lasers? You mean those pathetic things that were plastered all around the entrance?" Maihara Chizuru laughed. "They weren't even turned on!"
"This shows your complete and utter incompetence!" Hinako accused, pointing a finger at them. Kyoya raised an eyebrow. The twins sighed. Hunny gasped. Mori remained silent. And Haruhi knew exactly what was going to come next.
They're going to say something along the lines of 'Therefore, you do not deserve the presence of the lovely maiden and she should come with us!"
"Therefore, you do not deserve the presence of the lovely maiden and she should come with us!" Benio concluded.
Word for word. This isn't good.
"That is our proposal." Hinako pointed to the letter. "A challenge, if you will. It is only fair that we provide an opportunity to prove what little worth you have. Of course, it will only prove how completely inadequate you are to serving the lovely maiden!"
"Unless, of course, she would come with us now?" The three girls offered their hands in what must have been a synchronized action to Haruhi.
"No thanks, I'm fine," Haruhi replied almost immediately, raising her hands to form an X in front of her in case the words themselves didn't get past their brains. Not that she didn't know that it was a futile effort, but at least she could say she didn't go down trying.
"Well then, ta-ta!" And so, the Zuka Club exited the Third Music Room, twirling and laughing.
Haruhi looked up at the television screens, watching them dance away. So much for espionage. Their biggest threat just waltzed in and out of the clubroom without so much as an alarm going off. Then again, such was life with the Host Club, full of drama and anti-climaxes.
I think that's a good way of summing it up.
Snapping herself out of her thoughts, she noticed six pairs of eyes staring at her.
"You're not really going to go, are you, Haru-chan?" Surprisingly, it was Hunny who petitioned her stay first.
"Yeah, we'll make 'Ten Tastes in One' if we have to!" Tamaki jumped in. "We can do it!"
Haruhi thought they'd never get the point. But perhaps that's what kept the Host Club going – fruitless convictions and boundless energy. Of course, Kyoya knew this too, and that's why he went along with everything.
That sneaky…
"I never said I was going to leave, did I?" She smiled.
And so, for that time, no one cared about the letter. Haruhi had chosen them, so why worry?
It was all about perfecting their spy equipment. After all, they had to be prepared for the next time the Zuka Club struck again.
This started about nine months ago with a prompt from my dear friend awin-chan: gun, card and bag. In the end, none of them came close to relevant to the idea. And since she doesn't even remember the prompts, it's okay. But finally, it's finished, and I'm sorry if the second half is horribly characterized. I haven't read much Ouran lately.
-EmbeRin