A/N: Thanks for the reviews (And Exintaris- thanks for pointing out my error. I had intended to double-check the spelling, but I'm only human and I forgot. And no, I haven't read any books on the show, or show notes in a long time). I present to you, Chandler Season One.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
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'I can't believe Ross is making us all do this. I can't believe I agreed. It's not like I haven't seen enough shrinks in my life. Why did I have to see them? Why don't you ask my gay father or one of my mother's toyboy lovers? I guess they thought I was a bit of a problem child and, since they had no idea what to do and plenty of cash, it was off to the shrink's office and then to an all boys boarding school. But, hey, it's all in the past, let's talk about my life over the last year. That's what I'm here to do right? Okay…
'My name's Chandler Bing and I'm an alcoholic. No, sorry, that wasn't funny. But don't you ever find it weird how at Alcoholics' Anonymous meetings they always introduce themselves to everyone by name? Kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, I'll get on with it. I've had enough of psychiatrists this year- especially after that creep that Phoebe dated. Stupid Roger with his stupid big glasses, thought he knew everything… Yeah, he was right, that's why we all hated him.
'Uh, well, I guess work improved this year. I mean, it was supposed to be a temp job and I quit and took career advice tests, but somehow I ended up back where I started. This time with an office and way better pay, but still the same old job. I never decided what I wanted to do with my life… can I blame my parents for that too? What?- You're the psychiatrist, help me out a little! Yeah, so I'm still inputting numbers and worrying about the WENUS and the ANUS. The worrying thing is, I've been stuck at that job for so long that the terms WENUS and ANUS are no longer funny. See, I said it and didn't smile a bit, not even a twitch. Kinda like you then… O-kay….
'Although, there were one or two issues with work. Like, the other week when Phoebe was working as my secretary, which was an interesting enough experience on its own, I found out that none of the guys like me anymore. They stand by the water cooler and do impressions of me and then they laugh and if I catch them, they mysteriously end up working that weekend… And another thing- apparently a bunch of them think I'm gay…. No, I'm not! Well, what do you know, you're just a psychiatrist! What do you think it is about me then? A "quality"? Yet another enlightening answer…
'I'll have you know that I have dated many beautiful women this year. There was Aurora, this gorgeous, fantastic women who had a husband. And a boyfriend. I was sort of her second boyfriend, but I had to end it when she got a third. Possibly one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. There was also Janice; I broke up with her on New Year's and Valentines Day. Yeah, I know, what a bastard. I hated to do it, honestly, but somehow managed to keep getting back together with her when I really wasn't interested. It just seems that she's always there… Oh, please tell me that we're not destined to be together or something corny like that, that laugh of hers would make me deaf by the time I'm thirty… I went out with a couple of other woman, like Danielle but there was this whole phone issue… It wasn't going to work out.
'Was I interested in Rachel when she came along? Are you investigating group dynamics or something? The answer's no, anyway. I've known since college that Ross had an insane crush on some girl called Rachel from his high school and then she came along not long after his divorce and he fell smack back in love with her. Oh crap, I've done it again, not supposed to tell strangers that. Please don't mention that to Ross.
'I think of Ross as my best friend, he's definitely my oldest friend. I didn't have many good friends in high school and a few throughout college but me and Ross were shoved together from that first day in the dorms. Maybe they were pairing people based on how terrible their haircuts were, otherwise I just got lucky. He's a bit of a nerd, but he's Ross and I wouldn't be able to make fun of him if he wasn't. I sorta consider Joey as my best friend too though, he's definitely the best roommate. Better than Kip because he ran off with our car and better than Ross because he doesn't own an air purifier. I know Joey doesn't always get my jokes, or just get some things in general, but he's a great guy and I do genuinely believe he'll make it someday. I'm being a right bleeding heart here, aren't I? So, how about I talk about Monica. I met her in my firs year of college and in my second, she cut off part of my toe. A few years later I moved in across the hall from her and it's all been forgotten. I can have a laugh with Monica, she'll put up with me and roll her eyes if I make a bad joke. Unlike Phoebe, who might hold me to a passing comment as if I really believe it. I have a weird connection with Pheebs, some days I don't think she likes me that much and on others we have long conversations about unimportant things like… I dunno, ducks or something. And Rachel? I would've hated her in high school, but I think we're all past that kind of thing and she's a good person to be around. She moved away from an easy life and instead has to put up with us lot, so I think that deserves some respect.
'Anything else this year? Uh… Ross made me godfather of Ben, but I'm not exactly sure what that means because Ross is Jewish… I guess I'll just keep an eye out for the little guy if his father and two mothers die in some tragic accident. Maybe he's just trying to make up for the fact that he kissed my mom, but I think she's the one to blame really; he was drunk and she likes taking advantage, so… Oh, and I got trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Yeah, in that big blackout at the end of last year and she gave me some gum. It truly was perfection… I'm still waiting for them to send me that security tape though.
'That's it then. Right, I'm going to leave and try to never think about any of the stuff I just said ever again.'
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A/N: I might have taken a few liberties with Chandler's character at this start of this chapter, but I figured it was quite possible in some respects…