Chapter 1: Cloud's Phone

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I do want to own it. And as of my birthday I will own a copy of the DVD. But alas, I shall never own it. wail

Cloud stood on top of the Buster Sword Cliff. He didn't know who made up that name, but he didn't care. He just wanted to spend some time alone with his buster sword. Damn Zack for dying right here and damn whoever suggested he should plant the sword in the ground where he died. He had really wanted to keep that sword and now it was getting rusted in the dirt.

Cloud sighed and looked at the buster sword longingly. Suddenly his conscience took over and he lifted the sword out of the ground, giggled evilly and drove off on his motorcycle that appeared out of nowhere. While driving, he heard his phone ring in his pocket. He didn't stop. He would check his messages later. Right now, he was on his way to Shinra headquarters. He couldn't stand that annoying red-head any longer. He felt rather maniacal as he rode towards the headquarters, many swords in hand to give Reno a surprise visit.

It was then that he realised his precious buster sword was rather dirty from being stuck in the ground for ages. He stopped his motorcycle and desperately rubbed at the buster sword with his sleeve, trying to make it shiny again, when his pocket vibrated. Cloud took his phone out. He may as well answer it, it could be Tifa or someone, but if it was that red-head again, he vowed he would scream.

But when he put it to his ear, he heard a multitude of hushed giggles and whispering. "Is your refrigerator running?" asked a giggly voice. Cloud was confused.

"No, I'm in the middle of a desert on a motorbike." More giggling. That annoyed Cloud, he hated giggling. He hung up and checked his messages. What the hell? 143 new messages. From who? He listened to the first one. A strange, unfamiliar voice said, "Hello, this is the bubble factory. And we sell bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles…" Cloud gritted his teeth and deleted the message. The next one wasn't much different, "Hello, random person. You've won our hourly random prize of a hundred million dollars. Men in black suits will drop it off at your place soon."

Cloud's hands balled into fists as he thought of smashing his phone. But he knew he couldn't. What if Tifa or someone was in trouble? Then they couldn't call him. Cloud regrettably selected the next message. "Why hello. This is Samantha Wiener Starfish. Would you like to buy a potato?" Cloud's eyes narrowed. "NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO BUY A POTATO!!!" he screamed at the phone. He tried to press the delete button but accidentally selected the next message. He snapped his phone shut and stuck it in his pocket, even though he could still hear it saying, "Why hello, are you the chosen one?" repeated over and over again.

Cloud vented his anger by revving up his motorbike. It got very loud indeed. It got even louder when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He gritted his teeth and picked it up. He flipped it open and shouted into the mouthpiece, "STOP CALLING ME YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC-"

"Cloud?" Cloud froze.

"…Tifa?"

Tifa sighed. "I need you at home."

"Is it an emergency?"

"Well, in a way."

"What's that noise in the background? Are you alright?"

"Just come. You'll find out when you get there."

Half an hour later, Cloud was back in Midgar. He made his way to Tifa's house, half expecting it to be in ruins. But when he got there, it looked completely normal. He knocked on the door. A tired-looking Tifa answered it and ushered him inside. Looking around, he didn't notice anything out of place. Suddenly a door opened and out from the next room popped three heads. One was Marlene's but the other two, Cloud didn't recognise. Marlene raced out the door and hugged Cloud but the other two just stood in the empty doorway, staring. Cloud, who was still talking to Tifa, stopped and looked at them. The first one, who had long curly brown hair, fainted on the spot, falling back into the others arms. Cloud raised an eyebrow at the other one, whose hair was darker and shorter, and she fainted as well, dropping the other girl and falling dramatically onto the floor. The first one awoke, pulled herself up, kicked the other girl and gave Cloud a hyper spaz smile.

"I'm The Evil Emmie-ness!" she said randomly in a voice that sounded somewhat familiar to Cloud. The other one got up and introduced herself as well, "I'm The Evil Millie-ness!" she said. Damn these scary people and their scary names! Cloud thought. Then he remembered where he'd heard her voice before. He pointed at her, "You're the one that rang me, aren't you? And left those messages." The Evil Emmie-ness smiled and corrected him, "It's not THOSE messages, it's those ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE messages. And if you'd known how much time and effort I'd put in to making all those phone calls, maybe you'd care. BUT YOU DON'T!" she sniffed.

"CARE ABOUT WHAT?! YOU PUT ALL THOSE MESSAGES ON MY PHONE I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" He pulled out his two buster swords and came charging at her. The Evil Emmie-ness squealed and hid under the rug. The Evil Millie-ness jumped on the rug to see what would happen and The Evil Emmie-ness ran out and frantically climbed the stairs, Cloud following close behind. They chased each other round and round the upstairs bedroom until suddenly The Evil Emmie-ness froze and looked at The Evil Millie-ness.

"Millie-chan!" she squeaked, "I forgot to feed The Reno this morning!" The Evil Millie-ness froze too and watched as The Evil Emmie-ness jumped out the window and ran down the street. "Don't forget to put some more dry food in his bowl as well!" she shouted after her. Cloud turned to her. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're keeping Reno in Emmie-chan's closet!" she said happily. Cloud shook his head, sheathed his two buster swords and went back downstairs.

"So this is why you called me?" Cloud asked Tifa.

Tifa nodded, "But they were worse before." Cloud looked confused. He didn't think it could get any worse. "How?" he asked.

"Watch." Tifa said. At that moment, The Evil Millie-ness came downstairs and Marlene turned around. They looked from each other, to the poor helpless adults in their presence and smiled evilly. "But we can't do it without The Evil Emmie-ness!" Marlene exclaimed. But according to the look on The Evil Millie-ness's face, they could.

They went up to Tifa, smiled and said, in sync, "Mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla…"

"Shut them up!" whined Cloud as Tifa smiled wryly at him.

"Now you see why I called you."

Tifa looked around, "I wonder where Denzel is." She looked at Cloud.

He shrugged, "I haven't seen him." The Evil Millie-ness stopped mla-ing for a moment. "Yeah, where is that kid anyway?" Suddenly Denzel burst through the front door and hid behind Tifa. A girl entered a few seconds later. She had poofy blonde hair and was looking around expectantly. She saw Cloud and almost fainted, but regained her composure and introduced herself. "I'm The Evil Amashi-ness!" she exclaimed in the exact same hyper spaz voice that the other two girls had used.

But the strange thing about The Evil Amashi-ness was that, perched on top of her head and twitching spastically every now and then, were two white cat's ears. Cloud stared at them as they had another twitching spasm. "Are you some kind of cat-person-thing?" he asked. The Evil Amashi-ness sighed.

"It's a kitsune, goddammit!!" she yelled.

"Ki-what?!" Cloud said confusedly.

"Amashi the Kitsune! And don't you forget it!"

"Now," she said in a more serious tone, "I'm here to inquire about the name of that boy behind Tifa."

Tifa looked from the little boy hiding behind her to the hyper girl, "What, Denzel?"

Suddenly The Evil Amashi-ness erupted into a fit of laughter. "HIS NAME IS DENZEL!!! OMG I'M NEVER GONNA GET OVER THAT!!! WHAT A PATHETIC NAME!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!" Tifa rolled her eyes and told Denzel to ignore her. Cloud had had enough for one day. Saying goodbye, he hurried out the door and breathed a sigh of relief. It was good to be out of the presence of a fangirl. Just then, his pocket started vibrating. Cloud's eye twitched. He pulled the phone out of his pocket, threw it on the ground and started jumping on it, roaring, "SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU STUPID IDIOTIC FANGIRLS LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Until he saw Tifa looking out the window, one eyebrow raised. Cloud stopped jumping and smiled innocently at her. She rolled her eyes back.