The Pros and Cons of Breathing
Forward: This is a Jasper/Bella non-canon fic that I've been toying with. Something about the pairing makes me a little excited for it. Please don't flame just because you don't like that's it's not Edward/Bella. I'm always and forever team Edward.
Disclaimer: I used a quote from the beloved Stephenie Meyer in here, but I would never dream of taking credit for her work. She's brilliant and amazing, and I'm just me.
And the title is taken from Fall Out Boy, too. So you all know and stuffs.
PROLOGUE: Waking Up
Bella POV
Days passed by. Sometimes I remember them, but most of the time I let the memory fade into dust and disappear. When I would look at the clock it never seemed to move: the second hand took minutes to move five seconds, and the hour hand never budged. Then, when I wasn't paying attention, days would slip by and turn into weeks. I knew I must have looked terrible. My hair hasn't been cut in months and my fingers lost so much nail that they bled. I wasn't holding on, and the truth was I wasn't trying to. I wanted to slip away. Slipping away seemed so much easier.
I remember Charlie telling me that I couldn't keep waiting, but something told me that I would surely die if I let go. I held on to my memories like shards of glass. They cut me deeply and the pieces stuck into my skin and scratched me raw, but I kept holding on. Every day I let those happy fragments slice more thoroughly into my soul.
And there was no repair in sight.
Jasper POVIt was my second day watching her. The day seemed to go on forever. Her blinding pain trapped me inside myself and it was suffocating. Her mood never swayed above apathetic and that was only for a couple of seconds, but the deep-rooted despair was never far from the surface. Sometimes her pain caused me to bend over and hold on to myself, like I could fall apart.
Alice told me not to come. That we had promised Edward, but I couldn't comply this time. It was the most terrifying fight I ever had with her. I could feel the pain and fear inside her, but I still couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I didn't quite understand the fear. It wasn't for my safety or hers. It was for a simple impossibility. She feared that this trip would dissolve our relationship—our marriage.
The first day I watched for her she was just returning from movie with Jessica, a girl from the same year as her. I remember her as typically vapid. Bella stumbled from the car and it hit me. Waves of old pain and regret radiated from her, but not from the moment. It was deeply seeded. She said goodbye to Jessica with an apathetic half-smile. Relief exuded from Jessica, who seemed too happy to leave her.
I was far from the house, so she could see me. Or smell me. I sat still by a tree that could see her home clearly. She spent almost the entire night in her room. Even when she slept I would feel the rolling waves of depression, anxiety and pain come off of her. It was blinding—I couldn't see anything more clearly than the pain in her life. The mere fact that I caused it only amplified it.
I came back to Forks to check up on her. That was all. I wanted to make sure that she was fine and then I'd return home to my love, if she'd have me back. Alice knew though. She saw. There was no way I could just leave now. I had to make her better, but I didn't know how.
I moved closer to her house. The closer I became, the more powerful her hurt hit me. I will my body to be strong and I sent out the only emotion besides pain that I could muster. I tried to give her strength. Strength to endure the pain. I continued to send all the strength I could to her until it depleted me of my own and I had to rest.
Bella POV
(New Moon, Page 118-119, First Edition 2006)
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.
Whatever it was that happened tonight—and weather it was the zombie, the adrenaline, or the hallucination that were responsible—it had woken me up.
For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning.
Jasper POV
The next morning seemed to bring some sort of relief. Instead of the usual amount of pain coming from her soul, she seemed lighter. Still immensely hurt, but she was under some sort of control.
When she headed to work, I took the couple hours to hunt. It was considerably hard to stick to my diet under this kind of stress. I didn't have Alice with me to help me keep the urges under control. Most of the time I just imagined what I was feeding to be human. It made it a little easier, even if the taste wasn't the same. It wasn't nearly as quenching or delicious. Deer were always a little too salty for my liking, but I didn't have much time, and I wanted to get back to Bella before she finished work.
I stayed within a couple miles of her work so I could be back within a minute if I needed to. After I drank from a couple bucks, I returned to the outfitters. I scanned for Bella, but I couldn't sense her. Her smell was disappearing; she had already left. After I used my immediate senses, I looked for her truck. It was gone.
I immediately took off running down the side of the road. I scanned around until I finally caught up to her truck. It was parked outside an older looking house, somewhere on Russell Ave.
It took only a few seconds and good hearing to realize what she was doing.
"How much do you want for the bike?" I could her panting. Why on earth would someone that accident-prone want a motorbike? She really has bad suicidal tendencies. Then another realization hit me. I was directly behind the truck, not the safe distance I was hoping about keeping.
"Edward…" I heard her whisper, turning around. I knew she could see me now. I was only twenty feet away; there was no way I could run. It would probably cause more damage.
I saw her faint. Well, actually I saw--felt much more. I saw her fingers twitch and spasm, then I saw her feet trying to take a step but the blood was pulsing too much to have any control over body. Finally I saw her eyes roll up into her head and the entirety of her body fall, crashing into the walk. At the same time I felt her: hope, disbelief and love. The strength of all those emotions almost knocked me over.
I stumbled up the house's walkway. The boy at the door looked frazzled, so I sent him a shot of calmness. "Sorry," I told him politely, "she hasn't been feeling very well." I picked her up in a fluid motion, holding my breath. I knew I wasn't thirsty, but she was very close to me.
"Er, that's okay." He said, "does she still want the bikes?" I didn't know how to answer. The bikes were old, considerable dangerous. I didn't see how they would work even with Rosalie working on them.
"I think I'll let her call you when she gets home." I answered finally, not wanting to speak for her. It would have been very rude of me.
I carried her back to the car and laid her down on the passenger seat. Her keys were in her pocket. I could have just jacked the car, but I didn't think she'd appreciate the cut wires when she woke, so I moved my hand over to her leg. I felt the warmth from her body. It was strange, being so close. I almost wanted to savour the moment. I let my hand stay hovered over her body for another long second before swiftly maneuvering the keys from her pocket.
I started the ignition and the car protested loudly. Slightly tapping the gas I started to drive, but I didn't know where to go. I didn't know if Charlie was home, but I wasn't going to risk the idea of bringing her home to him unconscious. I made my way back to the only other place I knew. I brought her home, stopping only once.
I laid her on the couch in my bedroom. She was still very much asleep, but her mind was awake. She mumbled a lot in her sleep. I didn't even realize the usual agony has dissipated from her body, until it was replaced with warmth and comfort. I wanted to watch her sleep. I hadn't seen her sleep since the time in the hotel, but the air was different. She was angry and full of fear then.
I went downstairs and unpacked what I quickly bought at Thriftway. I took a couple frying pans, hanging from the island in the kitchen and rinsed them off. I don't remember a time that they really had even been used. After I cleaned the dust off the pans and stove, I turned the heat up and set the pans on their elements. I cut up the vegetables and garlic throwing into the now searing hot pan. My mind recalled endless cooking shows and classes that I've taken. Even though I never tasted a single meal I've made, I thought I gotten pretty good at cooking.
I became so wrapped up in cooking, something that I hadn't done in a few months, when I took Food & Nutrition, that I didn't notice that Bella had woken. It wasn't until I felt her startled and perplexed emotions that I started to get nervous. How was I going to explain what she's doing here? What I'm doing here.
I threw the last of the dishes in the sink. I was just finishing plating her meal and started for stairs. I walked at human speed. I followed her scent back to my room. She hadn't left. She was nervous and excited. She knew she was back at the Cullen house. I was nervous too, but not for the same reasons. I couldn't place why I was anxious.
Review... let me know if I should develop this idea. Please?
Please?
Pretty Please?
I'm begging here.