Title: Not if you put it like that

Author: Omnicat v''v

Rating: T

Genre: Romance, Humor with Parodic undertones.

Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: The TV series, the Endless Waltz OVA and the Episode Zero and Ground Zero mangas.

Warnings: Sap sappity sap. What's this... gasp! Holy faeces, what did I do?! Slightly Angsty thoughts! Don't worry, don't panic, they're stuffed with Fluff. :P Naked people and the assumption of naked people activities. Ground Zero references. Plus/minus-10-years-into-the-future-characterisation, which might be considered OOC by some. (I claim artistic license. ;) )

Pairings: Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft, mentioned Milliardo Peacecraft x Lucrezia Noin, Duo Maxwell x Hilde Schbeiker, Trowa Barton x Middie Une, Quatre Winner x Dorothy Catalonia and Wufei Chang x Sally Po.

Soundtrack: Not that I know of. If you know any songs that could fit this, please let me know!

Disclaimer: The glossy magazines Star Exclusive and Newslady are my own creations, but if they really exist, I did not know and do not claim to own them. Gundam Wing isn't mine either. No profit is being made through this fic.

Summary: Heero and Relena have an interesting midnight discussion about love, life and, through many bad examples, marriage.

Author's Note: I was raiding the Blissful Ignorance archive the other day... yeah, I'm weird like that. Sue me. Anyway, it's long overdue, has too many words, and I've never been able to write the standard romantic tropes the way they should be written, but I found the 99 ways to propose to Relena contest there and found it to be fun, so here's the result: my characteristically cross 'entry'. Enjoy!

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Not if you put it like that

A dark, shadowy figure shimmied along the walls of a moderately sized estate. It disappeared from the full moon's light under a certain balcony, only to blur into sight again when it flipped over the railing a minute later. The lithe male figure reached for something at its belt, but was interrupted when he glass door opened to a delicate hand that pulled him inside by the scruff, accompanied by an exasperated sigh.

"Heero, you know my bedroom has a door."

"You know I prefer balconies."

Another sigh, this time accompanied by a roll of eyes. It was always the same.

"My lover would rather mount a balcony than me." Relena muttered teasingly, as she padded back to her bed. "He glares and he grunts and he impersonates statues. And occasionally, he makes young Preventors wet themselves. Yep, Mr Perfect, no doubt about it. He even thinks self-destruction is cool."

Closing the balcony door, 'Mr Perfect' made a face. "Not anymore. I tried it."

"It didn't rid you of your masochistic tendencies, though." Relena purred from underneath the covers. The light of the fire burning in the ornate hearth glimmered in her eyes. "Why are you still standing there dressed like that? Get over here."

He didn't need to be told that twice. Within moments, Heero's clothes were piled on the floor and he slipped under the covers in Relena's spacious bed. If anyone thought it odd for a single woman to have such a large bed, nobody mentioned it. It had been just another one of the slight changes she had made while redecorating her room a few years ago. The pink basis it had sported from her early childhood on had been replaced by cream, and the remaining, pink touches had been joined by various other pastels and light oak. The furniture had become of a more classic style and the two-person sized four-poster fit right in.

"Ah, Heero you're cold!"

Heero smirked and pulled her even closer to him, making her shiver. "You asked for it. Won't you warm me?"

"Always." Relena sought her way to his mouth with her moist lips lightly brushing against his skin, and muttered against his jaw: "But really Heero, why must you make me wait so long every night? If you'd just walk straight down the hall..."

"Then I wouldn't be able to have my fun with the paparazzi." Heero countered logically.

Relena pulled away from his embrace. "Heero, the cloaking and disruptive devices you put up around the premises would hide Gundam Deathscythe doing a jig in the backyard from the cameras. You're going too far in - "

"You wouldn't say that if you were the one switching those parasites' footage of your home with footage of themselves and their employers in compromising situations."

"Wufei and Duo are having way too much fun getting that footage." Relena muttered darkly. She swatted Heero's distractingly teasing hands away. "And you are having way too much fun out there considering you're not the one getting sued for it."

Of course, telling them it was Heero Yuy doing it was not an option. The rumours about her and her bodyguard separately were plentiful enough as they were; she could go without rumours of them together. Relena could have cared less, were it not for the harm it would cause her position and credibility as Vice Foreign Minister. The man most likely to take her place should she be forced to step down would happily raise a scandal just to make that happen. Relena had never told Heero about the man - he was as good as on his way back to filing cabinets by now, anyway. Unfortunately, she couldn't do anything of that kind against the heads of Star Exclusive and Newslady.

"Relena..." Heero ran a hand through her hair soothingly.

"Heero, just leave the poor sods alone, please?" Relena pouted and poked him in the ribs. "I feel like you enjoy teasing them more than you enjoy me."

"Never."

"Hmmm..." Relena slid a bare foot up his calve and moved half on top of him. "Prove it." she demanded huskily, their lips a hair's breath apart.

"Hn..."

"Hmm..."

A while later they lay tangled in each other, still but for the heavy heaving of their chests. Relena lazily snuggled closer to Heero's now flushed body, and he placed a soft kiss on her forehead as he tightened his arms around her. Relena let out a content sigh.

"I wish it could always be this way." she said softly. Heero threaded his fingers through hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, Relena."

Relena smiled. "I know."

"Not until 7.25, anyway."

"What?!"

"That's when Zechs's alarm clock goes off, Relena."

Relena sat up and jabbed a finger at his chest. "Milliardo," she said, sharply stressing the name, "has nothing against you, Heero."

"You're right; he likes to beat up every man who dares to make a move on his precious little sister."

"That's not true, Heero!"

"Sure it isn't." Heero agreed sarcastically.

"Milliardo never actually laid a hand on Quatre, remember?"

"That's because he was in on Dorothy's schemes. She'd asked him for 'just a little scare'."

Relena paused briefly to think back to those days. Dorothy's courting had been preposterous. From the moment she'd decided Quatre Raberba Winner would be her husband, the poor man hadn't stood a chance. He was wrapped around her finger and tied with a sailor's knot. But Quatre, being who he was, had felt he couldn't possibly lay claim on her; he thought he would be taking advantage of her 'fragile emotional state'. So Dorothy, being who she was, had orchestrated an elaborate set of schemes to make him change his mind. It had gone as far as Quatre kissing Trowa Barton's sister Catherine before the situation blew up on them. And when it did, it had involved an abundance of shouting, priceless crystal and porcelain in many itty bits, and tears from both sides. But no proposal. Dorothy could have cared less about the tradition that said men were supposed to be the ones going down on one knee, but she simply refused to ask and admit submission. Quatre had been equally stubborn, and more than a little bit angry.

One month later, Trowa and Relena had dragged Mariemeia and a host of Winner sisters and ex-Gundam pilots along to go shopping, pictures of Quatre and Dorothy at hand to make sure they would pick the right colour dresses and suits to match the oblivious couple's complexions. Another week later, Heero had forcibly dragged Quatre and Dorothy to their beautiful wedding. Things had turned out fine in the end, with a very passionate kiss, though the newlyweds had had to hide suspicious bruises and bite marks every morning on their honeymoon, as Dorothy had later confided to Relena.

"Still," Relena insisted presently, "I've had enough admirers that Milliardo never spared a second glance."

Yeah, the second glance was for me, and I was the one to go after those, Heero thought. He trusted me enough then. The man still can't make up his mind.

"Take Kai, for instance."

Heero gave Relena a blank look and said, in an equally blank voice: "Do you want to know what happened to Kai?"

She looked down at him apprehensively. "Do I want to know?"

"No."

"Is he okay by now?"

"Yes."

"Then I don't want to hear it." she sighed.

Heero reached out and pulled her down to him again. He kissed her softly.

"Zechs loves you, Relena." he said, looking her in the eyes. "He just wants to make sure they won't cause you any grief."

Relena smiled whistfully. "Sally said something like that, too. 'A test of their worthiness', she called it. She says that's what drove Wufei to marry her, in the end: he couldn't stand the thought that someone less than himself would get her hand." Relena chuckled. "Though he could have tried something more romantic for a proposal than 'Get your hands off my future wife and the mother of my children, you lowly bastard of a pig!'. Really, in front of an entire floor of Preventors... no wonder Sally's first reaction was to slap him."

Relena stopped when Heero muttered: "Worthiness... Is that why he keeps fighting me?" His arms seemed to lose their confident hold on her.

"What?" Relena said, confused. She held on to his hand tightly. "But Milliardo only fought with you once or twice outside the war. And you were both drunk the last time, at Duo's bachelor party."

That had been something... The brawl had started innocently enough, and when Zechs had dragged Heero - who had absolutely no tolerance to the alcohol Duo had slipped him that evening - outside, it had seemed as though Duo and Hilde's house, at least, would escape intact. No such luck. They'd completely forgotten the torches decorating the backyard. Burning torches.

Duo had stood before the altar glowing with happiness, with his face covered in salve and scorch marks, his eyebrows and bangs strikingly absent and his braid shorter than anyone had ever seen it. Heero and Milliardo had paid for all damages and built the young couple a new home big enough to house their rapidly growing family, though nobody had really blamed them. (At least not in their face.) Hilde had confessed to Relena that it was actually kind of a relieve to start their married life like that, the past burned to ashes. Duo supported this by showing more truly happy smiles than ever before.

Relena had assumed it had been the last fight between the two old rivals.

"He only won twice." Heero corrected. "You only know of those because - "

"I was the one to nurse you back to contentment afterwards?" Relena said teasingly. Heero smiled slightly at her and pulled her tightly to him.

"Yeah. But I won all the other rounds, so Zechs would never tell you about those fights."

Relena shook her head. "And you wouldn't either, would you, Heero? Listen, I don't want anyone fighting over me anymore. I'm a grown woman, I can decide for myself who is or is not worthy." She gave his hand a squeeze, looking him deeply in the eye. Her voice held so much love that Heero almost couldn't bear it. "You'll never have to fight to prove yourself to me, Heero."

'You're too good for me,' didn't seem like the right thing to say. Heero just held the wonderful woman in his arms and buried his face in her hair. Relena reassuringly wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"And I want you to stay with me this morning."

Heero tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. Their noses brushed together when he looked at her. "Relena, Zechs and Noin will be gone in two weeks. When they're back on Mars -"

"- a new reason you can't stay will come up." Relena finished for him. "Whether it's a mission that requires your attendance or upped security and the Preventor detail Une insists on stationing here in such cases. It's always that way. And besides... there might not be a return trip to Mars at all."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say Milliardo and Noin had a very productive wedding night."

Heero stared at her in wide-eyed shock. Relena couldn't help but grin.

"How come I don't know about this?" Heero demanded, personally offended that anything going on in the house had eluded him - even something like this.

"Noin hasn't even told Milliardo yet, just me and Mother. And Sally. And Une."

Heero blinked.

He looked so terribly cute when he was like that. Relena felt all the unhappy thoughts that persisted even in Heero's arms melt away. How would it be like, she wondered briefly, if she could stop using contraception and maybe one day hold a baby, blinking up at her with those same beautiful, inky blue eyes, in her arms. Someday...

"So first those two make us all suffer through that god-awful wedding of theirs," Heero's icily indignant voice pushed through her musings, "then they steal my time with you by extending their stay at your house to a honeymoon, and now there's going to be a hormonal Noin and a little Lightning Brat?"

Relena couldn't help it. It was just too much. Heero scrunching his nose like that and the memories of Milliardo in an Elvis costume, with giant sun-glasses obscuring his features, just like the time she first met him as Relena Darlian, and the way Noin had looked in her beloved cowboy shirt with layer upon layer of white fabric billowing out from her waist to just above her cowboy boots, her face painted green and plastic antennae protruding from her hair. Bandsmen in ponchos and sombreros trying to play a waltz, and Mariemeia knocking the huge, Cowboys-'n-Martians themed wedding cake over Lady Une's dress with the piñata bat.

Relena collapsed in a fit of helpless giggles.

Heero stared at her with a confused frown.

Relena erupted in peals of laughter, like he had just put his hands on her sensitive spots and was tickling her mercilessly.

"Relena...?" Heero said worriedly. Relena grabbed his wrist and pulled him on top of her, pressing their naked skin together.

"Silence me," she gasped between laughs, "hurry - before I wake someone - "

The wide-eyed surprise when she locked her lips with his did not help her, so Relena closed her eyes and ran her hands through Heero's hair, clenching and unclenching her fists, until she was panting for a different reason altogether. When she finally let go of him and pulled away, he looked down at her, flushed and breathless, with a quizzical but not unhappy look in his eyes.

"Oh Heero..." Relena sighed, "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it." Heero murmured, leaning down again to kiss her more gently. Relena wrapped her arms around his neck as he nestled against her side, and nuzzled his cheek. "Wanna tell me what was so funny?" Heero asked softly, snaking his arms around her waist.

Relena shook her head. "Heero, I love you more than words can say, but if you ever dare court me, propose to me, throw a bachelor party or organize a wedding like our friends did, I swear I'll - I'll say no!"

Heero stiffened. "You mean you don't want to marry me?" he asked in a small, alarmed voice.

Relena almost sighed. Heero and his hypothetical questions. "Well... it would be nice to be able to call you my husband, I guess. I mean, what we have now is more than I ever dreamed of, but sometimes I still feel like the eighteen year old girl that used to sit up in the windowsill at night, wondering when you'd sneak into my room again - and demanding due compensation for every night you made me wait, when you did. I don't... need any prove of your love, but... some sense of stability, after all this time... wouldn't be so bad..."

Relaxing, Heero smiled slightly. "Well, would you still like a ring, at least?"

Relena's eyes widened as she looked into his. "W - what are you saying?" she stammered.

"If we'd marry, would you want a ring, if none of those other things?" Heero repeated, his smile growing as Relena's eyes widened further.

"You have a ring?"

Grinning by now, Heero clambered out of the bed and fished something from somewhere in his pile of clothes - it looked like the sole of one of his trusted yellow sneakers - and sat down on the edge of the bed, where Relena sat up with a sheet covering her bare chest by pure force of habit. She brought a hand up to her mouth when Heero opened the small, somewhat tattered, red velvet box and presented her with one of the simple, unadorned gold rings, glittering in the light of the fire.

Heero cocked an eyebrow. Relena let out a shaky breath and nodded fervently. Heero smiled and scooted over to the other side of the bed, where he joined her against the headboard. He took her hand and placed the ring in her fingers, turning it so that the inside of the band caught the light. A rose was engraved there.

"Because you won't be able to wear it in public yet." he explained. He brought out a simple silver chain from the box as well. "This will be our secret." (1)

"Oh, Heero..." Relena blinked rapidly to dispel the tears of happiness; she wanted a clear view of the man she loved so much she could burst, the man that had surprised her so much with everything he felt for her and was willing to give her. "How long have you been carrying this around?"

"Years." Heero answered softly. "To always remind me why I have to make it back no matter what."

He slipped the ring on her finger and took his own out of the box before putting the chain back and setting it on the bedside table. Then he entwined his fingers with hers and brought their clasped hands up.

"Now I'm yours forever." he declared.

"And I yours." Relena mirrored.

The longer they looked at each other, the harder the twitching of their lips became to suppress. Weren't they fooling around just a moment ago? Eventually, Relena laughed lightly. "I guess this is our wedding night then, huh?"

Heero smirked. The smirk that struck fear in the hearts of the bravest men, and fire in the bellies of women. All hers. All night long. "I hope you don't have a problem with that?"

"Not at all."

Both Heero and Relena called in sick the next day. And the day after that. Then they enjoyed their first weekend as 'husband and wife' together to the fullest. They got married that week, and yet they didn't. While the press would have a field day should they find out, Heero and Relena were not worried: even the most experienced legal expert would have a hard time making sense of the secret documents Relena had arranged, but only if they did the unthinkable and cracked all Heero's security codes to get to said files. As far as marriages went it was little more than a joke, but it was enough. The other newlyweds in Relena's house were too busy with each other and the news of Noin's pregnancy to notice anything, let alone a small touch such as a ring, but Pagan and Mrs Darlian shared many indulgent smiles. Heero and Relena went back to work on Monday, though.

"How about a honeymoon?" Heero had suggested suddenly, late into the night. Or rather, early in the morning. "Just you and me for a couple of weeks, in some remote place with nothing and no-one to stop us from doing this the entire day."

He trailed kisses down her neck as an illustration of what he meant. His hair tickled Relena's neck as he whispered the enticing offer in her ear.

"Honeymoon?" Relena hesitated. "Heero, people would start asking questions. We can't have another Middie-Trowa affair."

Heero paused.

No-one, not even Zechs, had ever seen Lady Une blow her top quite like the time her cousin Middie had disappeared at the same time Trowa Barton had. Ever since Middie Une had been recruited by the Preventor organisation for her expertise in espionage and infiltration and had been assigned Trowa as her partner, the interaction between the two had been strangely volatile, explosive even. Though Lady Une took the feelings of competition that were suspected to be the cause of their behaviour in consideration, and Trowa was only a part-time Preventor in the first place, only called upon in case of true emergency, they spent a lot of time together unsupervised when on assignments. It wasn't uncommon for one or both of them to suddenly be sporting a black eye or split lip for no apparent reason. Not until Trowa, who had never been very forthcoming about his past, told Heero about their previous experience together and what the memory was still doing to him, did Heero understand their mutual, volatile feelings of what-looked-suspiciously-like-repulsion. Quite understandably, Une had assumed the worst when they both failed to show up for work one day. Needless to say Trowa and Middie had been none too pleased when their hotel room was suddenly filled with armed and shouting Preventor agents, nor with being treated like they were both wanted criminals (that'd been a long time ago!) when all they'd done was elope and fail to ask their family members to inform the others. Heero had heard through the grapevine that they'd been raised from their bed and carried off naked but for their handcuffs. Not that he cared about such talk, of course.

"... good point."

"We'll make it up one day, I promise."

"How about we make it up now?"

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PSAN: No acute cavities? Then please Read and Review! (Is it very obvious that I couldn't keep a straight face while writing this?) Oh, and before I forget... I did not come up with the thing about Heero keeping something in the sole of his shoe. I read it in another fic one time, of which I have unfortunately forgotten both the author and the title. But the idea was so touching that I wanted to use it here. Credit goes to whoever came up with it first!

Additional Notes

SPOILER ALERT

(1) A rose was engraved there. "Because you won't be able to wear it in public yet." ... "This will be our secret." This is a reference to Episode 3 of the 'Ground Zero' manga, 'In Rose'. I know it isn't 100 percent officially canon, but it's just so. damn. sweet! (squeals)

For the sake of this fic: in 'In Rose' Relena falls off a balcony and twists her ankle. She's feverish and still has to finish a peace treaty draft, and she bursts out in tears of sheer misery. Then Heero shows up, takes care of her ankle, apologizes for ruining her good cry, and lets her fall asleep against his legs. He carries her inside the house, tucks her in, finishes her paperwork for her, and leaves her a rose. These are his words on roses: "In rose... Did you ever hear of it? The ancient Germanic tribes thought of roses as symbols. If blood-red roses flowered on the grave markers of the dead, it meant that the person's soul had transcended death and gone on to live again. Just like the Earth and the colonies have now. And that's why this place (indicating the huge rose garden they are sitting in) is perfect for the signing of a treaty that bans all weapons." And later, when he has tucked her in and leaves her the finished treaty with a rose on top: "In rose, the symbol of happiness. And... sub-rosa, Latin for under the roses, means a well-kept secret. And this is my own secret."