MY STARS SAY BRAVERY

mmm. I dunno...

After mulling it over a little, I decided fuck it. The way I normally did. I would ask Ichigo to go to the café with me.

It wasn't that big of a deal, and when he got there, he had smiled a little. "Great place to sit and think." he'd told me. I only nodded a little, playing with the little blue ribbon on the bookmark. I caught Ichigo looking at me, and we simply stared at each other for a few moments, before Ichigo glance at my fiddling hands. "Ya know...that's actually all the way from canada. My dad got it for me when he went on a business trip." I nodded. Another peice of information to store in my file on Ichigo.

I sipped at my coffee, watching his grow cold as he read the novel that I helped pay for. I brought out 'Falls of Stars, Deaths of Angels'

I mapped out one part in my mind. My favorite part, really. In the middle, he'd questioned if it was alright to be gay, but not alright to force someone into it with him. He'd questioned if he should really date his boyfriend. I skipped back to that part, feeling my heart ache. I glanced at Ichigo.

He'd curled in on himself, sitting comfortably without his shoes on the armchair we'd picked near the door. He looked like he was right at home. And I couldn't help looking at his feet. They were pretty.

What a gross thought...pretty feet...

He caught me looking at him, and stood up suddenly. "I'm...gonna go to the wash room." He walked stiffly to the rest room. I watched after him, my eyebrows raised.

After five minutes I started to wonder whre he'd gone. I was about to get up and go look for him, cuase who knows, maybe he'd been murdered in there. But he came back. When he saw me, he blushed. I wonder what he was thinking, but put it out of my mind. I'd reached an important part of my book. The guy was finally out of highschool, and about to ask a guy he had a crush on out. Though the guy was gay, they'd both be totally ostracized if it ever got out. I was almost hoping for a happy ending.

"Excuse me. Sorry I'm late, may I take your orders now?" I glanced up, along a figure I almost recognized, even though the layers of the strange uniform, to a pale moon like face. Nemu's dark eyes glittered down at me, making me shiver and shift a little farther away subconsciously. Her smile was fake, soft. Everything about her was soft.

Instead of looking at her (cause god I felt so awkward. I knew just how soft she really felt), I scanned the menu hanging on the far wall. Knowing Nemu, she knew how awkward I felt. I told myself it was just coincidence that she was working here. but perhaps I'd noted without even thinking about it that she worked here. Maybe I was interested. Or maybe I should be. Get out of my head Ichigo, get out!

"Could I reccomened the special?" Ichigo smiled up at her and nodded, paying for us both. My brain was shorting and I didn't know what was right anymore. I stuck my nose back in my book, as though the answers to the universe would be revealed to me. And for a second, I thought they were.

The guy told his crush that he loved him. They dated each other for a while. Hooray, right? Until there was a string of hate crimes on homosexuals, of which both his crush and he were victims. They both died. Turns out the book was actually written by his mother, who had originally shunned him when he'd told her about being gay.

I wanted to laugh. What a horrible ending. For a second I thought I felt tears prick at my eyes, before I blinked them away. I wonder what my Kaa-chan would have done if I told her I was gay. Would she have thrown me out? Killed me? Would she even care? Why am I even imagining this? I'm not gay so I don't need to think about it!

Nemu came over with our drinks. Her hands shook under the weight of them. Why had I never noticed how bad her hands looked? They were slim soft pretty hands. But burnt and cut in numerous places. I think it's a crime to ruin hands as pretty as hers. I wonder if she does a lot of cooking or something why she's always burnt.

Those black eyes evaluated me as she caught me looking. She was going to say something when a crash from the back room had her wheeling around, her long black braid swishing behind her as a loud voice called her name in irritation. "Coming, Mayuri-sama!" she waved at me. "I'll come by with the receipt later, Shirosaki-kun, Kurosaki-kun."

I sipped the contents of the bright orange mug. I could tell Nemu had made it herself. It had the feel or her in it. I wonder what Ichigo's would taste like, if he made me coffee. Would it be soft or strong? Yielding or solid? The smell of nutmeg reminded me of Nemu. For a second I thought I heard a screech coming from the backroom, the sound of glass colliding with concrete. And then there was the calm silence of the café again.

By the time I remembered it was time to go, I'd worked my way through three of those special drinks, and the sun was sinking on the horizon. I picked up my stuff, throwing my bag over my shoulder and nudging Ichigo into our world. I think sometimes he forgets there is a world outside of his books.

Nemu stopped me at the door, pulling me away from Ichigo. I was half afraid she was going to kiss me, but she kept sending nervous glances at the backroom's door, as though someone would catch her in some horrible act. She dug into her pocket and handed me a CD. "I recorded this myself. I know you are a very honest person." was she crazy? I was the least honest person I knew. "So I want you to give me your opinion on it." Before I could say anything, there was another crash. "Coming Mayuri-sama!" She graced me with another ghost of a smile. And with a swish of her silky hair (and I knew how silky it was) she was gone.

But I shoved the CD in my pocket. Because she at least deserved that.

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I'd gone to the public library with Ichigo to find some more books. I found myself another dark title. I had no idea what it was about. As usual. I think I find better books when I just randomly pick them up. This was a fiction though and it started out with the Death of the great ancient dragon that held the world on it's shoulders.

How promising.

When I was sure Kaa-chan was safely in bed, I took out the CD. The plastic cover was a little cracked, but the paper inside had been hand drawn. I shoved the CD in a player, lay on my bed and listened to the soft sound of an acoustic guitar take me away. The words of the song were gentle, lax, not at all sad, and just a little hopeful. Nemu's voice whispered daydreams that could put me to sleep peacefully. But her songs were not songs of love, and her voice was not desperate, needy, gripped by uncontrollable feelings. She just sang about daydreams

I think.... Nemu and I have more in common than either of us know.

When I opened the case again to put the CD back in, something was knocked out of the cover. A few slips of paper. Two were tickets to a concert, and the other was a note. I think you need these more than I do. Friday night, Shirosaki-kun.. 11 pm to 3 am. Enjoy them.

I'd never heard of the band before. But I smiled. Nemu was something else. She was a testament to something brave. Something unique. Something so unbelievable that I'd let her into my life, for even the breifest of seconds, without knowing that she'd change me.

And I liked the way she smelled of Nutmeg.

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The Monday before the concert dawned on me the way a life changing epiphany does. I had to ask Ichigo. I could have gone on and on to myself about how stupid I was being. And I was definitely being stupid. I could have argued with myself. But this is what I wanted. I suppose. I don't know.

But if this strawberry business was going to change me, there was one thing I wouldn't let it change. The way I said fuck it. Why did I have to think so much about it? Who cares about ulterior motives? It was a concert. And I was goin with my friend.

End of discussion.

So why did Nemu's knowing winks make me so uncomfortable? The bitch knew something, I just knew it. She had this all planned. I tried to make myself angry.

But Nemu was Nemu. It was impossible for anyone to stay angry at her for long. She passed me a note in chemistry. It was the most reassuring thing anybody had ever said to me. Which may not have meant much, but still.

I think I see something good in your future. Work for it, Shirosaki-kun. There was a little heart beside her name. Nemu didn't seem the type to sign her name with a heart, but it was kinda cute. I glanced over at her. Her glittering eyes were already watching me. She awarded me with the ghost of a smile and pointed at Ichigo who was being yelled at for staying too long in the library.

I think she meant something by that. But I had another idea. I almost smirked at the pure genius of it.

OWARI

sigh. Was fighting just to get it past the four page mark. Siiiigh. This is what you get when I'm sick. Reveiw please!