Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked, and this is the only time I'm saying it. Author notes will be at the end of the stories from here on in.

Now that all the mumbo-jumbo has been nicely taken care of (or, if you're like me and just skipped down to the story) enjoy:

Chapter 1

Intelligent Insults

"Stop squirming you infuriating foreign brat or I'll strangle you with your hair!"

"I live here you extraterrestrial lunatic! You're the foreign one! Get off me!" I demanded, trying to buck off the person on top of me, but to no avail. She was really starting to get on my nerves. I mean really, what kind of person just tackled someone out of the blue?

"What's a extra terestical?"

Despite myself I stifled a laugh at the blonde's interpretation of the word. Apparently I wasn't the only one who found the humor as I heard the boy start to laugh- it turned quickly into a cough however, and caused the girl on top of me to snap out an exasperated,

"Oh grow up, Fiyero. Glin," she continued with what sounded like a practiced patience, "It's not an extra terestical, its extraterrestrial. It means this girl believes that I am an alien." The blonde one 'ohhh'ed thoughtfully, obviously reflecting on this bit of new knowledge.

"You are an alien! You're green!" The image of a big-headed, two-eyed Scary Movie type of alien in green popped into my head. I started laughing. The green girl took it the wrong way,

"Let me assure you I'm well aware of my skin color. Yes, I've been like this my entire life; I'm in possession of eyes that are connected to my brain so I find I can interpret such things quite easily."

There was silence for a moment and the blonde one asked, "What's an alien?"

"They're green freaks from outer space with long lanky fingers and big heads," I answered. The girl on me smacked me across the back of the head and from my position on the ground I could see the boy from the corner of my eye contemplating what I had just said.

"I do not have a big head!" she hissed,

"But you are green and-"

"Master Fiyero, I dare you to finish that sentence," the green one challenged venomously. I had no doubt that she would make good on the consequences if he continued. Even I knew what she was implying and I didn't know her name.

Fiyero wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Where are we?" the green girl demanded.

I looked up at 'Glin' but 'Glin' was looking at Fiyero, who was looking down at me expectantly.

"Well?" The growl came from above.

Oh.

She was asking me.

Like hell I was going to tell her.

"A far way from home," I growled back. I gave a half-hearted pull with the hand pinned behind me but the girl stubbornly remained seating on my back. "Get off me," I demanded once more, wondering how on earth I'd gotten myself into this predicament.

"Make me,"

"I," I grunted with the effort of rolling over, "Will!" I finished, working my wrist free of her vice-like grip and landing on my back. I tried to push her off me with my hands but she dodged them,

"That the best you got?"

Oh. She was asking for it.

"Just getting used to the sight," I said meanly, lurching forward and tackling her to the ground.

"Clever little girl," she hissed, clawing at my shirt as we both fought against each other for the upper hand, "Targeting my skin to tease. Haven't heard that before!"

"Freakishly strong brute," I muttered under my breath, catching the heavy sarcasm that came with her comment. I missed her face and scratched her arm but her swipe hit the target, stinging the skin right under my left eye.

"Whiny urchin," she snarled back, her head audibly hitting the ground as I shoved her down. She was up a second later, kicking out at me with her feet.

"Brainless hermaphrodite," I snarled, hitting her hard… somewhere.

I felt her close her teeth around my forearm and heard the words, "Ignoramus hag,"

"Troglodyte animal!"

The second the word 'animal' left my mouth we both stopped where we were, breathing hard, glaring at each other with the utmost loathing. Both our chests were raising up and down at an alarming rate, our faces beet red- well, mine I assumed was; hers was more of a darker, rainforest tree flush.

Her friends were staring at us- if the blonde's comment from before was any indication we'd most likely transcended their limited vocabulary by the insult 'brute'. I barely knew what we had been calling each other. I wondered if I'd used the words properly. I realized that she was straddling my hips with her legs, both of our hands caught in one of the others.

Well this was awkward.

"Don't insult Animals!" she suddenly yelled as if remembering why she'd stopped in the first place.

"Well then don't call me an ignorant hag!"

The girl scoffed, "I'll say whatever I want after you call me a she-male!"

I shook my head. She was unbelievable. Really. "You started that one, sister," I said, "and I fight fire with fire."

We stared at each other for a couple more seconds. I was secretly impressed she knew what the term hermaphrodite meant. I think she was secretly impressed I knew what her insults had meant as well.

"What's your name?' I asked suddenly. Who were these people? And why did they look so… odd? The way they dressed made them look straight out of a Disney classic, or a really serious upscale Halloween party. But Halloween wasn't in more then four months.

"What's your name?" she demanded back.

"I asked you first!"

"There are three of us and one of you," she countered.

I studied her for a second, but she seemed to be just as stubborn as I was. "Get off me," I grumbled, pushing her back and crawling out from under her when she didn't stop me. "Crazy wacko," I muttered, gently touching the place under my eye where she had scratched me. A little bit of blood was on my fingers when I removed them from the scratch, but not enough to warrant much concern

"What's your name?" she asked again, her eyes narrowing with each passing moment.

"Wouldn't you like to know," I sneered. I knew it was immature, but I didn't care. She was the one who'd jumped on my back.

"Elphaba-"

Elphaba groaned, "Fiyero," at the same time I shouted out triumphantly,

"Ah-ha!"

The three of them looked at my extended hand and finger. Unsure of what I was pointing at, I lowered it. "So, Elphaba," I said smugly. I saw her face flush and I smiled to myself, "How is it that you don't know where you are?"

"I know where I am!" she protested but when 'Glin' squealed in delight and demanded to know, her bluff fell through.

"So you don't know where we are?" 'Glin' asked, more confused then disappointed. Even though she looked to be around my age, I was beginning to seriously doubt her intelligence.

"Elphie," Fiyero began again, looking between her and me, "Why don't we just introduce ourselves and start over? Obviously she's not going to harm us."

My hand went up to the cut on my face as Elphaba's went to her arm, where I had scratched her. We glared at each other some more.

It was the blonde that finally had enough, and with a huff she marched over to Elphaba and pulled her to her feet muttering something under her breath about frocks, dirt and rash behavior.

I remained sitting on the ground.

"This is Miss Elphaba the Thropp Third Descending from Nest Hardings. I'm Miss Glinda of the Arduennas of the Upland and this is Master Fiyero, Prince of the Arjiki tribe of the Vinkus. And you are?"

Elphaba was looking at Glinda like the girl had just sold her virtue for a half-dead donkey; Glinda and Fiyero were looking at me expectantly with pleasant expressions. I was finding them a lot cooler than Elphaba.

"Uh… I'm, uh, Shandra,… Domine..." they continued their staring. What more did they want? Oh, right. The whole 'from' thing. "From," I continued gracelessly, "Uh, the outskirts of- of Regina?"

It seemed to satisfy Glinda as she came over and extended a hand towards me, helping me to my feet. "Pleasure to meet you Miss Shandra," she said kindly, smiling. I could instantly see why she was the one wearing the beautiful pale blue ball gown and not Elphaba, who I could hear growling from ten feet away. Or maybe it was my imagination making noises again.

Glinda was still in front of me so I stuttered out, "You, too, uh, Miss Glinda?" hoping I didn't offend her by breaking some unknown taboo.

"Miss Shandra," Fiyero, who, I just noticed, had some odd pattern of blue diamonds covering his dark skin, asked, "Would you be so kind as to enlighten us of our whereabouts?"

"You can call me Shandra," I said, a little freaked out about the whole 'Miss' and 'Master' thing. What kind of abnormally polite culture did they come from? "And you're right outside of the city of Regina," I answered, smiling at Elphaba. She looked like she was about ready to connect my head with tree stump.

"And, where might that be?" Fiyero asked.

"In Saskatchewan,"

Fiyero began to look slightly panicked.

"Canada?" I tried.

This pulled Elphaba out of her sulk.

"North America?" You couldn't go much broader then that. Unless-

"Earth?"

Glinda looked to Elphaba, and, finding her as panicked as Fiyero, turned to me, "What on Oz are you talking about?"

"Oz?" I asked, completely lost.

"Elphie," Fiyero asked, his voice reaching a rather high octave, "Do you have any idea where she's talking about?"

"No, though I'm not surprised you don't," she snap. I found the second part rather unnecessary but didn't say anything as Glinda beat me to it,

"Elphaba, there's no need to get angry with Fiyero. He did nothing to get us into this mess. If anything, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, like us."

"And also the reason you failed your last geography test," I heard her mutter under her breath, although no one else seemed to. They were probably just ignoring her, so I did too,

"How do you not know what Earth is?"

"Is it past the Vinkus?" Glinda asked, trying to be helpful.

"If it is, it must be really far away," Fiyero said, "I haven't heard of it."

"Neither have I?" I provide helpfully. Or, I hoped it was helpful.

"Oh, Oz," Glinda said, placing her head delicately in her hands. Elphaba rolled her eyes and before I got a chance to ask about Oz again, Fiyero began listing off strange places I'd never heard of,

"Gillikin?"

I shook my head.

"Quadling Country?"

I shook it again.

"Munchkinland?"

And again.

"Fliaan?"

Fourth time.

"Ev?" shake "Quox?" shake "Oz?"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I demanded finally.

"Oz is the land where we live," Elphaba said softly from where she had been standing- I'd nearly forgotten she was there.

And I had never heard of it. "Are you sure you aren't thinking about Mars?" I asked.

They all stared at me.

"What?" I shrugged, "They sound the same." Sort of.

"I think the three of us are capable of remembering where we've lived for the past 19 years, and what it's been called during that time and the hundreds of years before it. If we're not in Oz, then how do we return there?" Elphaba asked. She was genuinely asking. For my help. And from what I'd learned about her so far, that wasn't something she did readily.

Unfortunately, I had no idea how to answer. So, feeling her disappointment for the first time since I meet her, I shook my head, "I really don't know. I'm sorry." And I was.

"Oh, Elphie, what are we going to do?" Glinda asked, looking at her friend tearfully. With tears. No kidding, this girl actually had real tears that were being kept in place only by the polarity of the water molecules. I remember reading something about it in class.

There was a couple of awkward seconds where no one spoke. Finally I broke it, "So, uh, do you want to crash at my house for the night?"

It surprised me when I said it, but I reasoned that I couldn't leave them outside alone. Elphaba might have coped well, but I took an instant liking to Fiyero and the thought of Glinda outside made me want to cry. There were some people who just weren't meant to be the outdoorsy type.

"Crash? I don't understand," Elphaba said, her dark eyes flashing dangerously. I was hoping the emotion there was suspicion.

"Right. You're whole… formal thing. Taking things at face value." I could tell the comment irritated Elphaba and I smiled at the thought. I tried again, "Would you like to spend the night at my home?"

While Fiyero nodded his head and Glinda's tears magically disappeared within seconds, Elphaba was much more cautious. "Why?" she asked. "Why help us?"

It struck me as odd that she was more suspicious of me then I was of her friends and her. I felt indignation flare up inside me, "What, I'm supposed to leave you out here all alone? Helpless to nature?" As if on cue, the ominous roll of thunder filled our ears, rumbling the ground beneath us slightly.

"Elphie, please?" Glinda begged, hanging off Elphaba's arm like a small child wanting a cupcake. Elphaba looked over to Fiyero, who shrugged,

"What's the harm? Three to one, right?"

His comment didn't bode well for me and I hoped that Elphaba wouldn't strike me down in the middle of the night while I slept. It would have been too horror-movie clichéd.

She hesitated, but it seemed that the second roll of thunder and the sudden wind that caused the trees to brush up against each other was enough to persuade her, "Alright. But tomorrow morning we're figuring out a way home."

A/N:Elements are mostly bookverse, but the characters are a little more musicalverse, just because I like 'em that way and find it extremely hard to get bookverse language down pat. They're Shiz-age, and more information on that will be coming in the next couple chapters.

It'll be written in altering first-person, something I'm trying for the first time. Feedback would be appreciated as I have no idea of the mechanics of FP.