The Inimitably Inspired, Indubitably Irreverent Harry Potter Do-Over

By

Herman Tumbleweed

Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction and is in no way meant to infringe on the copyrights of the various Harry Potter franchises. I receive no remuneration from this; it is written solely for my pleasure. In other words, this is so not mine; if it was would I be posting it for free on the internet? Unfortunately, this is just a podgy old country boy from parts unknown playing about in the lovely J K Rowling's huge sandbox. I promise to put the toys back when finished, hopefully still in good condition.

A/N: This tale started life, in part, as a plot bunny by Loralee1 on fanfiction(dot)net, a short ficlet called The Dream. I read it one morning while still half asleep and it reminded me of a story I had wanted to write for a while, which could only be made better using her starting point. In essence the two plot bunnies mated in my mind (and not like yer thinkin', so get yer mind out of the gutter). I asked her to let me use her bunny and unfortunately she said yes, so now I have one more story to write. Since very little of Lora's story remains here, I take full responsibility for whatever mayhem might be caused by (or in) this.

Please note: I have advanced the timeline to ten years later than canon so as to take advantage of certain technologies not readily available in the '90's. This story starts as if it is the summer of 2003. I have also fiddled with the timing of certain events, taken creative license if you will, so as to make them work within the framework of the story. In some cases I did this for dramatic or comedic reasons. Besides, this story is decidedly AU and will diverge significantly from canon.

Prologue: Lions, Hippos, and Berks, oh my!

In the waning days of summer term, in his second year at Hogwarts, Harry Potter was troubled by something. He kept trying to catch the headmaster's eye so he could ask a question or two, but hadn't been able to get the man to even look at him. For all that the big berk acted all grandfatherly at times, Harry now noticed that the old man ignored him for the most part. As the students had the last week at school mostly free, he managed to shake off Hermione and Ron one afternoon to make his way to Professor McGonagall's office. He thought he'd ask her if she could get him in to see the headmaster.

Upon hearing his request, she kindly asked, "Mr Potter, why on earth would you need to speak with the headmaster? Are you having some sort of trouble over what happened down in the chamber?" She thought that if it was her, even at her age, she'd be having nightmares over that episode.

"Erm, no, ma'am. I want to know if I can go somewhere else besides the Dursley's this summer. I don't like it there much." He didn't know the deputy headmistress all that well, though he did like her a lot. He just didn't want to have to tell her why; it wasn't something he wanted to talk to anyone about.

"Now, Harry, a lot of children think they don't like their families at times, but in your case, they are all the family you have. That's why Professor Dumbledore insisted that you be left with them when your parents were… er, well, were killed that horrible night."

Harry thought carefully; it didn't sound like the professor was going to help him get in to see the headmaster, at least not without some really good reasons. Having a thought, he pleaded, "I still would like very much to speak with Professor Dumbledore. It seems like he could do something so I don't have to go back there. They don't treat me very good, Professor." He could feel his eyes stinging and didn't want to cry in front of his teacher.

"What do you mean, Harry?" Her eyes had narrowed, though her ire didn't seem to be directed at him.

"Erm, I… Professor McGonagall, it's just that…" he trailed off feeling the tears getting too close to falling.

"Harry," she said kindly, "tell me what's troubling you, please."

"I… I… I hate it there… I…d…don't ever want to…g…go back. They don't like me at all. I can't ever make them happy…" he left off again because he knew he was starting to sound a like he was begging and really didn't want to say any more. He knew he'd get in a lot of trouble if they found out he had told anyone anything at all, as he wiped angrily at his eyes with his sleeves. He hated that he had cried even a little bit in front of his Head of House, who was also his favourite teacher.

Minerva was perplexed. She'd had a few students over the years who acted a little like this, but was finding it hard to understand what was going on with the boy.

Gently, she told him, "I don't want to invade your privacy, Harry, but I need more to go on than just generalities like those."

Harry thought, "Merlin, what does it take to get through…" He couldn't think of what to say next at first, but reluctantly decided to giver her a little. This was harder than rescuing Ginny, he thought.

"Alright," he said timorously, "I…I'll tell you a little. Th…they don't feed me very much most of the time, even though Dudley eats like a pig and gets all he wants. It just isn't fair." He thought he sounded like he was whinging, but couldn't help it as his eyes got watery again. "I'm hungry most of the time there. And…and they make me wear his old clothes and he's huge, like three times my size." He couldn't force any more past his lips right then; it had taken all he had to get even that much out. Once again, he angrily swiped at the tears on his face. This was just so hard.

Minerva sat back, floored by what Harry had said. She didn't at all like the sound of what he told her, but didn't know much about this kind of thing. In thirty-nine years of teaching only a few children had come to her with the kinds of problems Harry seemed to be talking about, but none had come right out and asked not to go home for the summer. However, it occurred to her, from the way Harry was acting, it might go much deeper, was perhaps much worse than he had related so far.

After deliberating a few more moments, she asked, "Is there more than that, Harry? I'd like to help in any way I can, be certain of that." She hoped she sounded reassuring. This was well beyond her experience, and for some reason unsettled her greatly. She could see Harry was struggling to come up with an answer, and didn't quite understand why. It reminded her of another student, one who came from a mixed family – muggle father and witch mother – who had had similar problems… he was now a potions master and professor here at Hogwarts, unfortunately she often added to herself. She had talked with him a couple of times when he was a student, but he had been reticent in the extreme about sharing what happened in his home life, had in fact gotten quite angry about her "sticking her nose into his business". However, it seemed Harry was having the same sort of problems Severus had had.

For his part, Harry was mortified of what could happen to him if Petunia found out he'd "snitched" on what went on in that house; let alone what Vernon would do. After nearly a minute of silently fighting his fears, he finally decided he needed to give his Head of House a bit more to use in getting Dumbledore's attention. He blurted, "They make me work all day in the gardens and stuff, and he never has to do any of that. It just isn't fair the way they make me work hard without making Dudley, and then I don't ever get enough to eat… oh, I told you that." He collected himself for a moment, and started to add, "And last summer… well, never mind about that…" he trailed off not wanting to talk about it. If he told her and wound up having to go back it might be a lot worse than just bars on the windows and locks on the door. It could be much worse, especially if Vernon got even angrier than normal or Marge came to visit.

Harry had his head down. Truth be told, he was extremely embarrassed about how the Dursleys had treated him for as long as he could remember. He had always known that whatever the reason was for them to treat him the way they did, it was because he wasn't good enough, didn't do enough, or something like that. Trouble was it didn't make sense. He did more in one day than Dudley had ever done in his whole life, but it still was never enough. Of course, it had been even worse since he had found out he was a wizard. Summers were getting even more unbearable and he didn't know how much more he could take.

Minerva thought carefully about what Harry had said, especially the line he had let trail off and wondering what that might have been. Instinctively she knew it was not something she wanted to press him on. In fact, she could sense that it was unlikely he would give her any more to work with. What she already had might be enough to sway the headmaster into at least giving Harry the benefit of the doubt, but she also knew how pig-headed the man could be at times. The night they left the boy hero at that Muggle home had been one of them. She hadn't liked it then, and was even surer now it had been the wrong thing to do.

Speaking kindly still, Minerva told him, "Harry, I'll talk with the headmaster as soon as I can. I won't promise anything, but I will definitely bring all of this to his attention."

Harry sighed in resignation. "Thank you, Professor. I reckon that is all I can ask for."

He left the office not feeling any better than when he went in, worse in fact. He'd hated having to tell her that stuff, because he knew what the Dursley's reaction would be if they found out. Fortunately, it occurred to him, there was very little interaction between the Hippo and Giraffe and the Wizarding World. He chuckled to himself, as he often did these days, when he thought of those nicknames he'd secretly assigned to his uncle and aunt.

With a smile on his face, Harry went to find his friends. Despite how he'd felt before, having something to laugh about had helped ease his heart.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Minerva wasn't able to talk with Albus until the following morning, the day before the train left. That morning he was actually in his office and not off to the Wizengamot or some such, so she could address several things with him. When she explained all that Harry had said, he replied in his usual twinkly-eyed overly calm manner. She sometimes wondered if he was over-using calming draughts.

"Now, Minerva, we've had this conversation before, as we both know, on the night we left him with his family. It really is the best place for him, and he is protected there from those who might wish him harm."

"How is he protected, Albus? If those people are as horrid as I believe them to be, I fear for the young man. I feel strongly that we have done him a great disservice for the past twelve years, truth be told."

"You know that I have Arabella living nearby and she watches him as much as she can, has even been his minder on occasion. Besides, how could Lily's sister be anything but good to her own flesh and blood? You know what a wonderful mother Lily was, I doubt very seriously that Petunia is much different. It would seem young Harry is simply wanting to spend the summer with his friends rather than his family. But I reiterate that it is critical he return there for a time each summer to renew the protections afforded him by his mother's sacrifice."

"So you are saying you will not even give the boy the courtesy of hearing first hand what he has to say then?"

You know how busy I am, we are, rather, at this time of year, and I see no reason to waste valuable time on the whims of a twelve year old who wants what he cannot have. Now, didn't you say you had other concerns to bring to my attention?"

Minerva sighed heavily. Pig headed was a barely adequate description of the man when he made up his mind on something. She was beginning to think that many of his decisions regarding young Mr Potter and many other things had crossed the line between what is right and what is easy. Replying as normally as possible, she said, "Very well, Albus, I shall tell Mr Potter he must return to his family for the summer." She stressed the one word almost sarcastically. In her mind she added, "And I shall be checking out the veracity of his story, on that you can bet your twinkle, old friend." To Albus she crisply continued, "On to other business then…"

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Min had missed lunch that day in the great hall because of a ruckus Peeves had created in the hallway leading to Ravenclaw tower. It seemed he had found some old fireworks, Merlin knows where, and somehow set them off which caused all manner of mayhem. Students had scattered, basically running for their lives, and as the first of the staff on the scene she had been able to banish all the items still flying about, burning, and/or fountaining all up and down the corridor. Needless to say, Mr Filch was extremely displeased about the mess, and getting him calmed had taken even more of her time. She finally had just gone to her office, taken a headache potion, and called her little house elf friend Tonny to bring her some lunch.

Feeling better by mid afternoon, the Deputy Headmistress went in search of young Harry to advise him of the Headmaster's decision. It was not a conversation she was looking forward to. As she stepped outside, she realized what a glorious summer day it was and was not at all disgruntled over spending a bit of time looking for her student.

After perhaps half an hour of searching she spotted Harry and his friends in a small copse of trees near the lake. As she approached them, Miss Granger was the first to notice, being the only one facing her direction. Min saw, rather than heard, the girl tell the boys of her approach. They all stood, and Harry looked happily expectant at her arrival. That made it even harder to tell him what the stubborn old coot had said.

She pushed aside her grim thoughts, and smiled at the three young Gryffindors whom she well knew to be as lionhearted as they came. "Mr Potter, Miss Granger, Mr Weasley, it is nice to see you all enjoying this lovely day. It took me a while to find you, Mr Potter, but I can't say it was an unpleasant task given how delightful it feels to be out in the sunshine."

Harry had that lopsided smile of his which reminded her so very much of his father, and his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, the eyes of her dear friend Lily. How she missed them when she saw him so happy like this. It made it even harder to present the bad news.

Excitedly he asked, "Did you talk to Professor Dumbledore, did he say I could see him; or did he tell you I could go somewhere else?"

It took all her effort to give a small smile to the boy before turning serious. "I'm afraid the news is not what you wished, Mr Potter. Headmaster Dumbledore told me it is very important for you to stay at your relatives' home for a time each summer. Apparently it provides you with some sort of protection having to do with your mother's sacrifice. I know no more than that. I am sorry; I wish I could help you myself."

Harry's face fell, and then his head drooped so he was looking at his feet when he mumbled, "That's okay, Professor, I know you tried. I really do appreciate it. Thank you."

Placing a hand gently on the young man's shoulder, she told him in a warm tone, "Don't give up, Harry. I will keep trying, on your behalf, to get something done about this. I believe you, but unfortunately the Headmaster does not."

He looked up with a sad smile, saying, "Thanks again, Professor; it is good to know that at least you care about me."

Min was taken aback by that statement, but put kept her face as impassive as possible. Pasting on a slight smile, she told him sincerely, "You are entirely welcome, Harry. Your parents were not only two of my favourite students, they were also good friends later on. I would do whatever I could for their son."

His sad smile remained and his eyes shone, then he swallowed hard as he nodded once to her. He appeared to be holding back tears of frustration and she did not blame him. Min returned the nod, saying pleasantly to them all, "Enjoy the rest of your day, I shall see you all at the leaving feast this evening."

With that she spun on her heel before the moisture in her own eyes could develop further. Then she got angry at both Albus and herself, and mentally kicked her own backside all the way to her office. When she was eventually settled behind her desk, she thought, "I swear I will do whatever it takes to learn the truth about Harry's situation in that home. I should have done years ago. By Merlin, if I need to I'll remove him myself, Albus Dumbledore, the old berk, be damned." A thought occurred to her then that perhaps another former student and long-time friend of hers might be of considerable assistance. She smiled grimly and turned her attention back to her work, saving that battle for another day.

More to come in Chapter One

A/N: The chapter title is a take off on a song from The Wizard of Oz movie. Thank you for reading, and I really do appreciate all the reviews I get. Thanks also to my betas, Tommy, Mike, and Randy. You guys really make this look a lot better.