Disclaimer: This would be me. Not owning Naruto. I don't actually know who does, truth be told...

So, I did have one thousand and something words written down, but then I got maudlin and wandered off and started reading some fics by some totally awesome STRAIGHT guy (who just has a thing about making gay guys do gay things...hey, everyone's got some quirks, the BL just seems to be addictive), completely got inspired and decided this was the best fic to practice writing my crack in. Prepare yourself, bunnies.

Naruto stood there looking as confused as Bambi when his mother died, and Sasuke wondered if he was just as close to tears. And no, that wasn't sadism working its warm way through his veins, it wasn't. Was it? " But why?" His voice was desperation and wonderment, and Sasuke wanted to ram it down that pretty little throat just like he wanted to ram something el - oh dear God, I did not just almost think that. Naruto took a step towards him, a kicked puppy expression on his face. " I brought you ramen. Illegal ramen. If Sakura knew that I'd brought ramen over to your place, she'd have a hernia on the spot, probably followed by a couple coronaries and then yell at me about being irresponsible and green leprechauns and being late though I can never ever help it because sometimes the shampoo just hides from me!" He pouted. Seeing Sasuke's incredulous stare, he blushed and scuffed at the floor with his shoe.

Sasuke wasn't sure what made him give in. Maybe it was the fact that Naruto did the kicked puppy look better than a kicked puppy. Maybe it was because when he stuck out his bottom lip in that way it was all Sasuke could do to stop himself from sucking on it and then wrapping his legs around the blond's waist. Maybe it was because he'd got one over the pink-haired bitch who seemed to rule Naruto. Or maybe it was simply because he understood having to fight every damn day of your life against inanimate objects.

The fax machine hissed.

Mistaking Sasuke's suddenly tensed muscles, the blond forged on. " Please? You can even...you can even have my half of the ramen..." Naruto said, hanging his head slightly so that his bangs covered his eyes. Sasuke decided he didn't like not seeing Naruto's eyes. He snorted.

" Don't be stupid. Come into the kitchen, I'll show you where the dishes are." He walked ahead of Naruto and pretended not to notice the little victory dance Naruto did behind him. Really, he was just too damn soft, these days. Though he was sure Naruto could solve that problem.

Dishing up the ramen was hell. Despite having so much money he could bathe in it, Sasuke had bought the apartment for the view and not the kitchen. Besides he was hardly ever here, and when he was, he lived on business lunches and convenience store food, with the occasional take away. Therefore, the kitchen was tiny. They had to wind and wiggle around each other to get the plates, bowls and chopsticks, and the greasy smell of the ramen coupled with the musky scent of Naruto gave Sasuke the beginnings of a headache and only served to intensify the wisps of arousal that floated just below his navel. He made an excuse quickly and hurried to the bathroom.

He gave himself a quick pep talk about how annoying Naruto was, despite how civilised he was suddenly acting, and how Uchihas had much more dignity than he was displaying at the moment. Uchihas were good at denying themselves things, he should uphold the family traditions.

It was times like this that Sasuke wondered whether the Uchiha family name was really a burden to be proud of, and if that inbreeding hadn't done a little bit of damage to the psyche. He splashed his face with cool water.

When Sasuke had made some garbled noise and hurried off to some room or another, Naruto had breathed a sigh of relief. Having the brunet so close and being unable to touch was making his insides writhe uncomfortably. It wasn't butterflies he could feel, it was more like a thousand caterpillars, having a frenzied all-you-can-eat on his stomach lining.

However, being deprived of Sasuke-sex for a while now, his brain was able to hone in quickly on things that could lead to more Sasuke-sex, and Naruto was not about to deny the Beast any longer. He was alone, in Sasuke's apartment, with one hell of a view and a meal for two. There couldn't be a better set up. It was almost as if there was some magnificent god out there, smiling down on them and helping them along.

He moved out into the living room/dining room area and grinned evilly.

Ploy Three - Romance Your Way Into His Pants

Sasuke walked into the living room and couldn't stop his confusion broadcasting itself via his face. He tilted his head and shoved his hands in his pockets, the denim material rasping against his hands. What the hell was the dobe doing? Or had done, really.

Candles flickered on a small table that Sasuke swore he hadn't had before tonight. Soft music played out from his expensive sound system, the only electrical device that didn't completely hate him, and he wondered how the blond had managed to work it without breaking it. Running a hand through his hair and carelessly ruffling the spikes at the back, he sauntered closer to the scene that looked like it had been plucked straight out of one of those cheesy 1960's chick flicks. A blond head appeared from under the tablecloth and blue eyes blinked when they saw Sasuke. Naruto smiled. Sasuke wondered where the rest of his body was.

" Hey, you." Sasuke pondered that if Naruto had just said those two words instead of all the ridiculous flirting he'd subjected both of them to, he would've moved in within the week. And then he mentally facepalmed at the thought of moving into Naruto's. The décor alone should have been enough of a mental deterrent.

He lifted a corner of his lips, and watched impassively as Naruto crawled out from under the table and straightened up. He brushed his knees and then looked Sasuke in the eyes, a sheepish expression and the tiniest of blushes on his face. At least, Sasuke thought it was a sheepish expression and tiny blush. With all the dim lighting, he couldn't really be sure. Naruto could be pulling faces, rolling his eyes, and blowing a raspberry and the only thing that would give him away would be his own hysterical laughter afterwards. Sasuke tried not to sigh.

" What're you doing?" His voice was cold, intentionally so. He'd found that a cold voice was almost as effective as a cold shower, when someone else was getting too carried away. He tried not to blink when it didn't work on Naruto.

The blond's smile widened into a grin. " Just setting the table."

" Dobe. There are flowers and candles. And origami swans made out of napkins." His expression was deadpan.

" Isn't it so much more subtle than a post-it note saying, 'screw me'?" Naruto laughed, and the grin didn't leave his face when he spoke again. " Nah, I'm kidding. This is just what it is...a meal between two friends. I just saw the candles and flowers and thought, why not?" Sasuke gave him a look that read yeah-right-'cause-I'm-that-dumb-and-like-hell-do-I-have-random-flowers-and-candles-lying-around.

He sighed, and pointed at his chin. " I'm allergic to flowers, remember?" Naruto blushed, and this time Sasuke could hear it in his voice.

" They're not real." But Sasuke was too busy wondering when he'd learned how to interpret all the subtle nuances of Naruto's voice. With him, it was to be expected, because in order to communicate at all with Sasuke, you had to learn the tricks. But Naruto? He broadcasted his emotions as freely as shoe shops broadcasted sales. Sasuke, on the other hand, broadcasted about as well as China broadcasted their industrial figures. Which they didn't.

He moved towards the kitchen, the tiles cool against his feet. " Whatever. Come get your bowl." His hands were warm from the bowl of ramen, and his feet were cold. It must have been doing something to his stomach, because the wisps of lust were playing a game of tiggy with wisps of uncertainty and warmth. He ignored Naruto doing another victory dance behind his back. Turning quickly, he saw Naruto's hands drop suddenly from a pose that looked suspiciously like a pelvic thrust. He decided not to ask. A hand reached behind his back and Naruto scratched the back of head with a grin that made the corners of his eyes crinkle up. He tried to ignore how the wisps of warmth multiplied at the sight.

He sat down at the decorated table and tried not to wince at the music. 'Sexy Love' by Ne-Yo. Naruto's taste in music left something to be desired, but that could be worked o - no. No, it couldn't. He set his jaw, and shook his head. He ran through the meeting details for tomorrow in his head and other details that had no Naruto or prolonged contact with the dobe involved. It worked, until the object of those not-thoughts sat down in front of him. He let loose a string of violent curses in his head. Naruto seemed oblivious.

The sat in a textured silence for a moment, with layers of sound built up on each other. The click-click of chopsticks, the spit of the candles as flames hungrily consumed the white wax, the rustle of fabric as they moved and the sound of them eating and sipping their red wine. Sasuke found himself longing for the western style forks and knives, and for straight up vodka that allowed him to be less of an awkward companion. He felt uncomfortable in his skin in this gentle silence with those blue eyes sending long, hot looks his way that he tried his best to ignore.

Honestly. What was the blond trying to do, burn the side of his face off?

For the first time in years, he started a conversation. " You know, if you're trying to romance me, ramen's the wrong way to go." And that's when the evening went to hell in a handbasket.

Naruto was too busy enjoying the way the candle flames made Sasuke's eyes look smoky to retort properly, so he just sat there. He figured that the less he said, the less stupid he would sound. Plus, this was one of the few times the two of them had been able to just sit and be, and not have something ridiculous or annoying come out of the blue and attack Naruto's chances for Sasuke-sex.

Having garnered no reply, Sasuke continued. " I mean, ramen? Your slurping does nothing for me, and quite frankly, ramen is just..." Naruto was now paying attention. Sasuke? Besmirching his ramen? How very dare he? " Not sexy." And Naruto concentrated not going over there and ramming those words back down that throat, just how he wanted to ram the Be - no. Bad, bad perverted thoughts.

He placed the chopsticks down and, so concentrated was he on not having perverted thoughts, spoke without any kind of pre-thought. Which had never been too wise a decision for the blond. " Sexy? Sexy? How...Ramen is why I give excellent head!" Sasuke started choking, and Naruto absentmindedly patted him on the back, with just a little too much force to be friendly, Sasuke noticed. Naruto picked up the chopsticks again and narrowed the blue eyes at his companion. He gestured with the china chopsticks, stabbing the air for emphasis. " Me and my friends used to have competitions as to who could get the longest noodle down their throat for the longest time, and I always won! Ramen is the reason I can take any size, anywhere! Ramen is the reason you were writhing around on those silk sheets out there. So don't you dare. Ramen. Is. Sex-" He emphasised too emphatically with the chopsticks, and knocked the fake flowers into a candle stick. The candles fell over and the fabric of the flowers went up so quickly that Sasuke didn't even realise they were there until later when he saw the charred vase. Sasuke shot up with a shout, and Naruto tried to douse the flames with the liquid in the bottom of his ramen bowl, but the oil only served as a fuel for the flames. He tried to run into the kitchen to get a towel, knocked over Sasuke's glass of wine, and watched in horrified fascination as the flame's shot up and ate Sasuke's eyebrows. There was the kind of silence where the world seems to be holding their breath, and then Sasuke moved with jerky movements that said I'm-too-angry-to-even-move-properly-right-now, dampened three tea towels and hurriedly chucked it over the table.

There was an ominous sizzle. It was the only warning before the table fell, and landed on Sasuke's foot. Sasuke's face went so pale, Naruto ran over to check him for injuries before Sasuke managed to gasp, " Stop...groping...'s...foot!" Thankfully, Naruto got the message when he saw the table resting quite happily on Sasuke's foot, and used his own feet to push the table off. Sasuke then sank to the floor and Naruto hurriedly scooped him up in his arms. Then he grunted, dropped him again, and swung one of Sasuke's arms around his shoulder.

" Hospital." He said gruffly, and the two hobbled away from the ruined remains of dinner.

They hobbled back five hours later. Naruto felt liked he'd aged five years and now thought he knew what Hell was like. Screaming kids, crack whores and bleeding appendages everywhere! He'd tried to go to a private hospital, but Sasuke, fearing Itachi's not-so subtle jabs, demanded they go to a public one, and then spent the entire car journey glaring at Naruto and wincing every time his foot was jostled. It was odd, but Sasuke's glare was even more menacing without eyebrows. He didn't just look homicidal in the I-will-kill-you-and-no-one-will-know way now, but instead had the I-will-kill-you-then-eat-your-babies-and-then-your-granny-too-for-good-measure-and-THEN-no-one-will-find-out look down to a T. It had sent Naruto into near panic attacks every five minutes or so.

Thankfully, and Naruto looked down at the drowsy man who was leaning against him without any inhibitions, the doctors had given him painkillers that had knocked him straight out. Naruto had to carry him all the way up the stairs and his back was killing him. Sasuke moved so lightly when he was conscious that he hadn't realised how much he actually weighed. It hadn't helped that Sasuke's foot was in a plaster cast and had to be kept away from anything that might jostle it, or that Sasuke's head underneath his chin meant that with every breath, Naruto could smell Sasuke's hair and clean scent, or that Sasuke emitted this warmth that soaked through his shirt and into his skin.

He sighed, and smiled gently. " Come on, Sasuke, only a couple more steps until your bedroom. Don't put too much weight on that foot now. If only they could've given us a wheelchair..."

Sasuke lifted drug-drowsy eyes towards Naruto's face, and Naruto couldn't help thinking he preferred them when they were sharp and focussed. " 'nk you, 'ruto." He settled his head against Naruto's shoulder, and smeared some of the burn cream for his eyebrows onto Naruto's shirt. Naruto sighed, and hefted the man up into his arms, struggling not to take too much pleasure out of something he knew he had caused being an idiot.

It was when he laid Sasuke down in his bed, pulled the covers up to his chin and kissed him on the forehead that he knew he'd gotten too deep.

There was a kind of empty silence in the flat in the morning. It seemed to be waiting for something to fill it, something with laughter and smiles and stupid little jokes about nothing at all, and random lines of song belted out with no regards to those who actually knew tones and had some kind of musical training. Sasuke ignored the expectant silence with the cool indifference he ignored everything else with. Uchiha's did not get lonely. And their flats most certainly did not get broody.

He smoothed the cream over the red big boils on his chin and fervently hoped that, somewhere underneath, his beautiful chin still remained. He also did the same with his eyebrows, and decided he hated Naruto. With a passion. He tightened the towel around his waist and went to wipe the misty mirror before something stopped his hand. He smirked. With quick nimble fingers he drew a stick figure with unmistakable spiky hair and a label saying 'Naruto'. Sasuke watched with some kind of happiness as the condensation dripped, and ran through the blond's waterbased equivalent of a voodoo doll, causing irreparable damage. Droplets struck right through the body, from the raised arms to the spread apart feet. It was only when the little figure was completely obliterated that Sasuke allowed himself to brush his teeth.

He smiled. Today was going to be a good day. He steadfastly ignored the space where the dinner had taken place, and didn't blink when he found the charred rubbish in the bin, or smile when he saw a little note on a bottle of pills saying, 'take two of me'.

The shareholders stared at him. He tried a quick efficient smile. A lone PA returned it. Suppressing the urge to sigh, he ordered some papers and tapped them on the desk.

" Like I said before, Kurosaki-san, the new Tiger Economies are taking valuable customers away from us. Korea, especially Samsung, is even taking land in the UK that we need for our developing factories. And the sudden economic growth of China could spell some significant change in Japan's own economy. We're only trying to look after your interests by merging with Rasengan. If it could be avoided, it would, but the effects of the sudden shift in industrial power have already changed Japan somewhat and we're only attempting to move with the times. One of the best attributes of Chidori is our adaptability and flexibility..." And so on and so forth. Sasuke rubbed at his temples and a glass with two aspirin appeared before him. He was suddenly filled with fuzzy love for his brother and PAs, especially as he would have to repeat this five more times in order for Kurosaki-san to understand. Sometimes he wondered why he put up with idiots whose bellies were bigger than their brains.

It was much later when he settled down into his plush, leather chair, taking care with his damaged foot. He found himself sighing as the cricks in his neck sorted themselves out. He flung his glasses to the side and rubbed at his face, carefully avoiding the red area near his mouth and wincing when he forgot and rubbed the place where his eyebrows used to be. Naruto hadn't shown up today, and for this Sasuke was grateful. Grateful, damnit. He did not damn well want a blond idiot stalking him everywhere he went (though he did quite like the jealous glances), trying to bed him (though it did make him feel undeniably pretty) and generally making a nuisance of himself (though he could be good company when he just stopped with the Trying to Get Into Your Knickers routine). Besides, he wasn't quite sure how to act after last night.

Ino hovered nervously near him, a stack of papers in her hands that he had to sign. He reluctantly picked up the discarded glasses. They took a while to get back on, and he figured they were just being snooty because he'd thrown them before. His fingers, feeling clumsy, fell back to his lap, and he didn't even attempt to burn a whole through the lenses of the glasses to teach them a lesson. Let the inanimate objects win every once in a while. Not that they needed his permission, anyway. He wondered if he should have taken aspirin with the other medication, and then figured he didn't care, because his foot was still throbbing.

" Sasuke-sama, there was a break-in at the dorms at Osaka Bay and some of the girls are demanding compensation." Her voice was dangerously close to his ear as she placed a cup of something warm, steaming and, Sasuke took a deep sniff and almost smiled goofily, caffeinated. Oh sweet mother of God...He took a big gulp, winced as it scalded his tongue and mouth and then took another mouthful. Masochism in the name of caffeine? Hell yes.

" Why? They should have locked their doors." He sounded grumpy even to his own ears. The people who lived in the company dorms were well looked after and offered rooms for a fraction of the price they'd be expected to pay in the city. He didn't see what they had to moan about. And maybe his bad night last night was affecting his generosity.

" They're blaming it on an out-of-date alarm system."

Sasuke snorted. " They're all out of date! You can't have an alarm system for five seconds before something better comes out!" He sighed, took another gulp of his drink, and felt suddenly benign. " Whatever. Get me the compensation forms. I'll even hand the damn cheques to the girls themselves."

" Okay, Sasuke-sama. And these need signing as well." He sighed, waved a hand dismissively and waited until she was out of the office before eyeing up the pile. He wondered how long it would burn for if he set it alight. Another cup of coffee was placed on his desk quietly. Sasuke pondered that if she kept supplying him with drinks, he'd probably marry Ino. And then wondered how cheap he truly was.

Naruto was pouting.

Sai stared at him through one of the glass walls, and shifted on his foot. His arm brushed Sakura's. " How long for now?"

" Three hours and...2 minutes. Want it to the second?" Came the response, void of any emotion.

Sai winced. " You're a very diligent secretary." Was his diplomatic response. There was another moment of silence, and then. " So what exactly happened last night, then?"

She shrugged, apparently resigned to the world being as absurd as it possibly could. Sai thought that if the leprechaun with a fetish for emphasis appeared from nowhere, spinning in a pink tutu singing 'God Save the Queen', Sakura's eyebrow would barely twitch. He sighed, and pushed open the glass door, then coughed discretely.

Naruto continued to pout.

Sai coughed again, this time adding some phlegm to the deal.

Naruto's bottom lip jutted out further.

The brunet sighed, rolled his eyes to the heavens, and conceded that was the best kind of welcome he could hope for. He strolled over, sat down in one of the conference chairs, and said good-naturedly, " Does this room feel like a naughty room to you? Whenever you displease the Pink Menace, you're thrown in here. Have you noticed that?" In fact, Sakura had thrown him in here because he was worried about his physical safety and the harm he might do to himself if left alone. This had caused images of Naruto stapling himself to run rampant through his mind, and the consequent facepalming.

He sighed again, and leant back in the chair, ruminating that if he sighed anymore he'd have no breath left to pump Naruto's ego up with. " What happened?"

Something switched on in the blue eyes and Sai watched in fascination as the blond emerged out of the first still, quiet moment he'd ever seen the blond have. And this was with thirteen years of friendship. An unlucky number of years, actually...

" I burnt his eyebrows. And broke his foot. I'm stupid. The only thing I have going for me is my pretty looks. I am pretty, right?" He turned big blue eyes on the brunet and Sai had to concede that no, the blond was not pretty. He was manly. With some extra testosterone thrown in there, too, to perhaps make up for the lack of common sense.

" Yeah. So. Uhm. How?" And then he spent the next fifteen minutes wishing he hadn't asked. " No, Naruto. I meant, how did you burn his eyebrows and break his foot?" And then spent the next fifteen minutes trying not to laugh. " Well. You actually...care, huh?" Naruto's shoulder slumped so far down, they just became part of his torso. " What're you going to do?"

" I...I have no idea." And they sat in a silence with too many unspoken words.

A/N: You can probably tell I had a big break when I was writing this, mm? Well, anyway. Sorry this is so late. I tried to make it up to you by making it longer. But...mm...prepare for a leetle bit of angst next chapter, mm'kay? Oh, and, also...For those Naruto Sympathisers. Yes, yes, he is trying oh-so very hard, but who's the one getting beat up here? -grin-

Feel free to flame me for being late. I'm going to be really busy the next month and a half, by the way.