A/N; Okay let's see if I can get all the disclaimers right. The only alter ego I own is Rector. All others that appear here are the property of their owners and used by permission, except for Kayln Wordsmith, but storiewriter said she wanted to be in the next talk show fic and since I'm writing this and since I've let her borrow Rector (yes he was Eric at the time the name is changed get over it) I figured she wouldn't mind if Kayln made the next addition to the crew. Security badger Steve is kinda a joint ownership by me and LittlePsychoWolf. The Sue EmreldSnowflameShallowbrooke and the Suethor Brook Johnson are also my creations.
Kelaiah is the property of Kelaiah. Arawolf Beechclaw is the property of LittlePsychoWolf. Kayln Wordsmith is the property of storiewriter. Kit is the property of kitsune106. Minty is the property of Laburnum Steelfang.
Other things I don't own are OFUR. That masterpiece belongs to kitsune106 and Laburnum Steelfang. I don't own "Robin Hood; Men in Tights" or any of the other new sharp or exploding weapons from the History Channel show "In Search of Ancient Wonders" Redwall of course belongs to Brian Jacques. Gonflet's actions are also a great idea of Kelaiah. There is also a line from the "Man's Kitchen" episode of "Home Improvement" that I've always loved, which of course I don't own. And also just in case I don't own the term and/or trademark to Gumby. Also lastly and most importantly the "Redwall talk show" format used here is the creation of Kelaiah. I've just been given permission to use it so Kel can work on updating his other fics. I also don't own the Otherpath theory. Any reference to Gollum or LOTR is also not owned by me. I-phone is the property of Apple though I wish I could own the rights to something as cool and money making as that. College loan bills are expensive. 12 foot golden Sue swords are the brainchild of PsychoWolf from her fic "Arawolf Beechclaw; Sueslayer Extroudiaire."
That should be everything. If I left anything out I'm sorry please don't be mad. If you're wondering how all that fits in together you should be in for a treat. It's taken me almost three days to get all the ideas cemented in and alter ego permissions granted. It's also my first stab at humor/parody. I hope you like it.
In the studio Green Room three teenage fan fiction alter egos were enjoying a healthy lunch. That is if healthy meant every kind of junk food available from both the Redwall kitchens and any modern supermarket or fast food joint. An average looking grey furred female squirrel that had only recently joined the crew was arguing with the teenage female pine marten stage manager.
"I still don't see why I couldn't have had a guillotine on that Valentines Day trip," grumbled Arawolf Beechclaw.
The squirrel, Kayln Wordsmith by name, rolled her eyes at the complaint which had been spoken at least three times a day since the successful return from the Otherpaths. "We told you it was too big, heavy, and cumbersome to carry around. Could you imagine trying to sneak up on Sue's toting a monstrosity like that?"
The pine marten was about to continue the argument when a rather loud splat echoed through the room. Looking over to their companion they were met with a comical sight. Kelaiah the skinny, square spectacle wearing teenage ferret had until recently been cramming as much junk food as he could fit, into his muzzle. All around the ferret were tacos, cheeseburgers, French fries, ten kinds of potato chips, hot dogs, and sodas from the real world. Also on the table were some of the most sought after sweets from the Redwall kitchens including; Honey Moles, RedCurrantWall cake, damson pudding topped with sweet cream, flagons of strawberry fizz, along with mounds of turnovers of every berry and fruit variety. Due to a recent upsurge in popularity (that did nothing to deflate his ego) the ferret had been onstage in both Redwall judging a beauty contest and in his own studio trying to deal with the menace that is the Mary Sue. As a result the ferret was rather famished and had literally dived onto the table to start pigging out when he had seen it. Unfortunately, and as can be expected, Kelaiah was also rather exhausted from all the running around especially during the time of year he called the "dulldrums." After downing only three greasy tacos, two cheeseburgers, one 2 liter of cola, and five Honey Moles (but for some reason he still stayed just as skinny as ever) weariness overcame his hunger and he fell face first into the piece of RedCurrantWall Cake he had just cut for himself.
Arawolf and Kayln instantly forgot about their argument and grinned evilly at each other.
"Do you think he's really out of it?" Ara asked while poking Kelaiah with a stage prop.
"I can think of one way to test." Kayln's grin grew truly wicked. Adopting an innocent look to make angels weep she called out in a melodic singsong voice, "Oh Keeellllyyyy!"
"Don' call me Kelllll…" Kelaiah was so tired he couldn't muster the energy to go into his usual angry caps mode at the hated nickname (which he created himself and now is getting all upset about which when you think about it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense).
Seeing the ferret completely incapacitated the females ran off to find their make up kits. They were just about to turn Kelaiah into a cross between a clown and a paparazzi magnet when a deafening battleship klaxon sounded and red lights began flashing.
AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH! AAAAHHUUUGGAAHH!
Kelaiah jumped up in his seat with a wide eyed start. "Cheeseburger with extra ketchup!"
Arawolf and Kayln had their paws over their ears. Arawolf shouted to her companion. "What is that?!"
"I thought you knew! You're the stage manager!"
Just as suddenly as they started the sirens and lights stopped leaving the three teens ears ringing. Kelaiah promptly fell back asleep and face planted his cake again.
Arawolf walked over to the green room door and shouted for the massively strong yet hopelessly idiotic security badger Steve. "Steve! Find out what those bloody sirens were and be quick about it!"
"No need for that Ara. I was just about to let you know." Rector the lighting mouse came strolling up the studio hallway with Steve lumbering behind him. On reaching the door the mouse turned to the badger. "Steve! Sit! Stay!" When the badger complied with the commands the mouse tossed him a dog bone. "Good boy."
"I didn't know Steve liked dog treats," Kayln had a confused look to her face.
Rector shrugged as he entered the green room with the other two. "Neither did I. But they work."
Ara pointed to the bag Rector was carrying over his shoulder. "What's in the bag and what's with causing us all to go partially deaf?"
"I'm glad you asked," he replied while banging the bag down on the table. Unlike the other three in the room Rector had left his teenage years behind. He was in the prime of his life and while still had just as much energy as his younger friends also had a few more years of knowledge and experience under his belt. Digging in the bag Rector came up with a 10 pound brick of chocolate which he tossed to Arawolf. "First thing's first, that's yours."
The pine martens face lit up at the prospect of the coming sugar rush. Tearing off the wrapper she started chowing down.
"What nothing for me?" Kayln looked a bit disappointed.
"Perish the thought milady. Of course I've got something for you." After handing the squirrel her own 10 pound chocolate bar Rector also gave her what looked like an ordinary Redwall style penknife only with a much larger handle.
"Um, thanks," Kayln was turning the new knife end over end. "But I've already got a knife." She patted the small blade tucked into her belt.
Rector was grinning as he indicated a small brown spot on the otherwise black hilt. "Push right there."
Kayln did so and instantly 30 objects sprang out of the hilt. Kayln was so shocked she dropped the thing on the table. Rector only smiled and gingerly picked up the ultimate multi-use pocketknife. "This thing's got whatever you need. Scissors, magnifying glass, ball point pen, bottle opener, hacksaw, 10,000 mile limited drive train warranty, grappling gun, AM/FM/XM radio, and a ton of other stuff that I'm to lazy to explain but I'm sure you'll figure it out.
"And the best part is that it'll only open or work in your paws. Also, after you get to know all the tools, you'll be able to just think about the tool you want, push the button and it'll pop out."
Kayln took the knife that know greatly resembled a metal spider and touched the brown spot. The tools retracted into the handle with only the traditional Redwall knife blade still visible. "Thanks," she exclaimed. "But isn't this a tad unrealistic?"
"We're four fan fiction authors who have transmorgraphifed our online personas into walking talking Mary Sue hating Redwall animals. I think we left realistic hitchhiking by itself along Route 66 about a month ago."
By this time Ara had taken a break from her chocolate feast. "Good point," she said. "Do I get any new implements of destruction?"
"As a matter of fact you do." Rector reached into his bag and pulled out what looked like and oversized Frisbee on a string.
"What is it?" Ara asked while scratching her head.
Rector didn't respond. Instead he tossed the Frisbee looking thing towards the head of a nearby costume mannequin. The thing flopped around a lot but came to rest square on the dummy's head. Instead of balancing like a hat, the outer edge of the thing dropped down like a collar around the mannequin's neck. This collar was attached to the top piece by a strip of black cloth. Rector turned to the two females and gave the rope he had held onto a swift tug. At once the crazy Frisbee turned hat fell off the dummy and dropped to the floor leaving behind one dummy without the virtue of a head.
Arawolf's eyes instantly lit up with uncontrolled glee. "Is that what I think it is?"
"A flying guillotine? Absolutely, and it's all yours." Rector handed the nearly psychotic-with-joy pine marten the rope. She ran off to inspect her new toy. Inside the lower collar of the contraption were three rather sharp blades. Normally the blades stayed safe and locked within the collar. However once the device was over a victim's head the rope would be pulled allowing the blades to close like a camera iris.
"Is that smart giving her that?" Kayln whispered to Rector.
"Probably not, but I'm sure it'll be funny." The brown furred mouse turned to where Kelaiah was still sound asleep in his food. "Now for my friend Kel…oh…um…hmm." Rector gave a quizzical look at the teenage food covered ferret.
"He's been like that for a bit. We couldn't wake him up even by calling him Kelly," Kayln told the mouse.
"Don't worry. I've got just the thing." Rector was rummaging around in his bag again. "Hand me that funnel would you please?"
Kayln gave the mouse the funnel and watched curiously as he approached the ferret of the forty winks. Tilting Kel's head back Rector put the funnel in his muzzle. "Now for a dose of my special wake-me-up juice." Rector pulled poured various liquids into the funnel keeping up a commentary as he did. "A couple two liters of super ultra-caf cola, a pot of chocolate covered coffee bean coffee, three drops of "The Bomb" hot sauce, a smidgeon of hotroot pepper, and to top if off a dose of aspirin."
Ara came over still hugging her new toy to her. "What's with the aspirin?"
"Put these on and you'll find out." Rector handed out military style helmets and looked down at his watch. "Three…two…one…now," and he pointed at Kel.
An odd combination of things happened. The ferret's eyes snapped open and he sat up very straight. Starting from the tips of his footpaw and moving up to his head Kelaiah turned bright red. Steam came out of his ears to make a sound remarkably like an old fashioned steam locomotive whistle. He also started vibrating and quivering very fast. His eyes shot open to reveal his eyeballs dancing around crazily in their sockets.
Rector turned to the other two. "Might want to duck." At that moment Kelaiah shot up and out of his seat like an out of control rocket. The other three creatures watched as he went zipping and ricocheting off the walls and ceiling. Food was splattered as the flying ferret bounced off the table, a line of smoke emanated from Kel's mouth to mark his path around the room.
Finally Kelaiah ran out of steam and he landed in the barrel of strawberry fizz. Little wisps of steam came off his tongue as he stepped out of the barrel dripping in the bubbly pink liquid. "Aw, what'd you have to go and wake me up for? I was having a nice dream."
Rector only grinned. "It's that time again."
Kel clapped a paw to his brow. "But we just finished a show. Are Swartt and Bluefen having matrimonial difficulties already?"
"No more than usual and within canon lines," Rector answered. "No this time it's a goodbeast that is in need of our special assistance."
Kelaiah had grabbed a towel and was drying himself off. "Fine let's get this over with." He threw the towel to one side and started checking his pockets. "Hey wait a minute." His searches became more frantic. "Where's my lazer?"
Rector held up a black and silver shiny looking thing about the size of a remote control. "You mean this?"
By now Kel was on all fours looking under the table. "I told you earlier that's only my spare pen. Do you think I don't know what my own laser looks like when I see it?"
"Yes."
"What? Owww!" Kel had looked up suddenly only to bang his head on the underside of the table. Crawling out from the table and rubbing his head the ferret glared at the older mouse. "What makes you say that?"
"Cause you dropped these." Rector held up Kelaiah square glasses.
Kel looked for help from Arawolf of Kayln but they were rolling around laughing at the clumsy ferret. Taking his glasses back and perching them on his nose Kel looked up at the ceiling. "Why me?" Looking back at Rector he held out a paw. "My lazer back if you please."
When he got his precious lazer back (with a decidedly Gollum looking gleam in his eye) Kelaiah was taken back a bit by its new appearance. Instead of the old soft pushbuttons and twisty knobs it was replaced by a sleek touch screen that would have done the inventors of the I-phone proud.
Kelaiah's melancholy instantly melted at the sight of a brand new shiny electronic gizmo. Turning it this way and that the ferret admired his new and improved toy. "How does it work?"
Rector pointed to a soggy sodden mess of papers on the table. "Well those were the instructions but good luck getting anything out of them now. But we're guys. Who needs directions anyway?"
"I couldn't agree more," Kelaiah said while pushing on the touch screen. Instantly a menu of available options appeared. "Weaponry?" Kel looked up at Rector with a happy grin.
"I'll tell you all about the upgrades later. Ara, Kayln if you would pick yourselves up off the floor I've got one more thing to hand out to us all."
As Rector went into his bag again Kel called out to him. "No new toys for you?"
"Oh I've got them. But they're all up in the lighting booth," came the reply from Rector who's head was fully inside his bag. "If you thought my Steve controlling 'Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go' headset was fun, or scary I don't really care which, you'll love the upgrades to the lighting system."
Rector emerged from the bag holding up four bio-hazard containment suits tailored to fit the four beasts present. "Here put these on."
"This looks like something someone would wear walking around Chernobyl," Kayln commented.
"Exactly, and trust me we'll need them." Rector told her. After the mouse told the other four how to put on the suits affectionately called "Gumby suits" by those who used them they walked around to get the feel for the cumbersome protective gear.
"How do you know how these go on?" Kel asked.
"When I was your age I interned with the Fire Department. We got to play with all sorts of fun stuff. But history later, Mary Sue defeating now. Which also explains the klaxons. It's a Mary Sue alert system." Since the Gumby suits were fully enclosed atmospheres unto themselves the four creatures had to wear firefighter style breathing tanks or the air would run out and use radios to communicate.
Ara clomped around the green room. Holding up a paw she grinned through her face shield. "Earthlings, we come in peace. Give us all your chocolate and pictures of Voltaire."
Rector was getting a bit annoyed. Granted the Gumby suits were fun to play with, but time and air in the tanks was in short supply. He turned to Kel. "If you would please scroll to the locations menu and tap Green Isle."
Kelaiah pawed at his new and improved lazer but owing to the bulky nature of the gloves on the Gumby suit accidentally hit several wrong icons. The four alter egos were transported to Redwall, Salamandastron, Castle Marl, Terramort, Southsward, Noonvale, Redwall again, and next to the Otter and His Wife, before finally materializing on the crater of Deeplough on Green Isle.
After enduring many jokes from his companions Kelaiah turned to Rector. "First off, I love the transport function. Second off why are we on Green Isle? And third what's with the Gumby suits?"
Rector swept a paw over the landscape. "Take a look around and then let me know if it was a bad idea to wear these things."
Through the face shields of their Gumby suits the teenage creatures could tell there was something distinctly different about the island. When the alter-egos had read "High Rhulain" Green Isle had been described as a place of great natural beauty. Looking around were the same crags, cliffs, meadows, and streams, and they were just as lovely as Brian Jacques described in the book. In fact the scenery was so lovely there would never be another soul that would ever want to leave the majestic, glittering, sparkley, totally awsomeness, awww soo kute iland that was that was teh plaise calld green aisle.
Form undr his reely wired looking and totally last years color soot Kelly (what a kute name) calld out. "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME KELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!." Then the ferrit notissed how his vois hadn'tt secummed to the grammir errers. "Sparklypoo. There's a Sue around. I take it the suits acts the same way as the Anti-Sparklypoo Spray until we can hit the Sue with it?"
"Told you the suits would be a good idea," sed rector aas he sprayed Anti-sSparklypoo spray around the alter egos allowing at least their narration to return to normal. He gestured to where it looked like a battle was taking place on the other side of the crater rim. "But looks like it's over there where the trouble is coming from."
Kel was holding up his lazer up with what looked like a radar image on the screen. "Bingo! Just over there! Let's go!" Four Gumby suit clad alter egos started running through the Sparklypoo stained Green Isle to find the source of the Sue. They knew they were getting close when the narration began to go bad again.
cuthbrt had scarmlbed up onto teh back of slothnog hacking at it's neck with the pik ax. it speed out onto the loug wrigling an thrashing furiosly as it tired to rid it'self of it's beserc pasenger. The hair how ever cud not be shaken off. He hakd, speared, adn did lotz of uther nasty things til it was ded an going to take the hair into the endless, dark, smlly, deep, ucky, clear waters of deeplock.
just then a new and gorgus voice was herd. Don't worry daddy ill save you!!!!!!!!!!1111111111"
A hairgirl unlyke any seen seen beefour was sliding down the krater jus lyke legolis did at that one casle place on the steps. Her fur was the coulr of a midnite dawn shinning out over the west. the gown she war was an ex-act mach of the numbr won dress the fason poleese had sed was on the red carpt at evry award show that year but trimed wit dimons and emrelds and roobies and saffires and opals and gold and sliver and platnum and roses and twolipsand dayzees and lotz and lotz of perfume so she mselled lyke cinomen and sugar and puppies and…
The approaching alter egos shuddered as the list of descriptions went on and on with no end in sight. They reached the group of beasts to see the Sue pulling Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw from the waters. Then the Slothunog (which as you remember had already been slain by Cuthbert) burst out of Deeplough and snapped its reptilian head at the two hares. The Sue reached into her dress and pulled out the standard twelve foot jewel encrusted golden Sue sword and sliced the head off the beast with one swipe.
The creatures on the crater rim were too entranced by the appearance of the Sue to notice the four new arrivals. With glazed gazes befitting a zombie horde they cheered the Sue as she staggered up the slope of the crater yet somehow carried the entire canon rescue party on her back.
Seeing the looks of pure hatred on the faces of the other alter egos Rector turned to Kelaiah. "As soon as she get's to the crater rim I'll spray her and it'll be safe to take off these suits. Then we do what we do best."
Kel gave the mouse a thumbs up as he tried to navigate his new lazer to find the appropriate icons. Rector held the Anti-Sparklypoo spray at the ready as the Sue stepped onto the crater rim.
Phisssssssssss!
The spray hit the Sue in full force and the spell of Sparklypoo was lifted from the canon creatures. Before they could wonder about the five new arrivals the surrounding scenery was pulled away to reveal the talk show studio. As the intro music played five female security badgers (who unlike Steve could actually tell a doorknob from a corncob) grabbed the Sue and against her screams placed her in a chair and secured several forms of iron chains to the abomination. Canon Redwall characters of all eras joined the Green Isle creatures in their seats as the crew took their places.
Rector in the lighting booth, Arawolf with her headset in the wings stage left, Kayln on the camera/teleprompter, and of course Kelaiah (who had figured out how to make the microphone pop out of the lazer on stage)
"Welcome to the latest installment of 'Everyone's Favorite Talk Show.'" The teenage ferret came out to the resounding applause of the audience. "Today the crew and I have special news to report. Just before the story line of "High Rhulain" was disturbed too much from the affects of this Mary Sue," he gestured to the chained, gagged, and struggled hare Sue. "We have been able to capture her."
The audience went wild with cheers and applause.
"Now we could have disposed of the Sue quite easily," the ferret went on. "But we decided to have a bit of fun with her first. So let's start off with the intended target of the Sue. Please welcome Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw aka Log-a-Log Boodul aka Major Blood 'n Guts Blanedale aka Lord Brockfang Frunk."
Applause erupted from the woodlander audience members, especially loud cheers came from the Long Patrol hares in the audience. A few in the vermin crowd booed but stayed mostly quiet.
"Thank you for coming on the show Major." Kelaiah glanced down at the cue cards he was holding that had been prepared by Kayln. "As you may or may not be aware the hare maid," Kelaiah shuddered at called the Sue that, "has fixed you as her object of interest."
"Seems that proper introductions should be made first laddie buck," responded the mad March hare.
Kel glanced down at his cards to hide his embarrassment at his lack of manners. "Um… yeah…oops. Hi, I'm Kelly…"
From behind her camera Kayln guffawed that the ferret had fallen for her joke. Kel on the other hand quickly switched to angry caps mode. "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KAYLN YOU'RE NEVER WRITING MY CUE CARD AGAI….OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Angry cap mode was suddenly shut off as the spotlight on Kelaiah turned up in brightness. "Rector! What are you doing up there?" Kel had a paw across his eyes.
"Accidentally hit the low power button. My bad," replied the mouse who turned the spotlight down to normal.
Blinking spots from his eyes Kel looked up to the lighting booth. "That's low power? I can hardly see."
Rector was grinning in his seat. "I told you I upgraded. Want to see the rest of the settings?"
"Do I have a choice?" asked the ferret dejectedly.
"Not really, but I won't shine it in your eyes," Rector promised. He began pushing buttons in front of him.
"Here's low." The spotlight went up to a level that would be high anywhere else.
"High" A blinding white circle appeared on the stage.
"Really high." The circle of light rivaled the brightness of the sun at this point.
"And split your own atoms." The circle on the stage turned green for a few moments before lighting returned to normal.
All over the studio creatures were rubbing their eyes to try and rid the spots from them. Kelaiah took a few steps before he fell in the creature sized hole the 'split your own atoms' level spotlight had burned in the stage. Still seeing spots Kel pulled himself out of the hole. When his vision returned to normal he glared at the mouse in the lighting booth. "Tell me again why it's a good idea to have you up there?"
"Cause I still have this," Rector waved the 'Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go' remote at Kelaiah.
From the audience Badrang roared out, "Enough talk just get on with the show already!"
By now Kel's patience was starting to snap. "Quiet you! It's my show you hear! Mine! Mine! MINE! MINE! MINE!!!!!!"
Zap! Zing! Wham!
In his anger Kel had tried to zap the stoat but his aim had been off due to the spots still dancing in his vison. The laser beam had shot straight for Rose who was sitting next to Martin and in front of Badrang. Reacting swiftly the original Redwall Warrior had reached under his seat for his shield to block the beam. The laser bounced off the shinning metal and traced a circle in the ceiling which crashed down on Badrang's head. The woodlanders roared with laugher.
"Serves you right," Rose shot at the dazed Tyrant.
Gonff who was sitting on the other side of Martin made a fist with his paw which Martin smugly pounded.
Kelaiah hung his head in his paw. "Can I please have one show where my studio doesn't get wrecked? Moving on. Unfortunately the network has said that I have to let the Sue tell her side of the story. Steve will you please remove her gag? Steve? STEVE!"
"Huh? Oh right," the inept badger came out from the wings and took the gag off the Sue. However he also revealed her perfectly sculpted Sue face when he did. This was not a good thing for Kel's insurance premiums. "YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! ANOTHER SUE!!!!!" With a bound he ran off stage and crashed through the wall leaving a badger sized silhouette hole in the wall.
Kel glared up at the lighting booth again. "Rector!!!"
"Hey don't blame me for that one. It was Arawolf who came up the Steve is stupid idea. I just came up with his name."
Kel glanced over at the stage manager but knew that any comments would fall on deaf ears. Ara was practicing with her new flying guillotine. "Why me? Why me?"
By now the audience was getting quite restless. Several of the vermin were trying to sneak up on the heroes that had defeated them in their appropriate books. Gonflet and a gang of Dibbuns had broken into the props room and were running around with a cattle prod imitating Kel's lazer. And the hares had found the dessert bar and were digging in with gusto. In short the studio was turning into chaos.
Kel tried zapping the creatures into submission, but was still getting used to the new lazer control scheme. Kayln took advantage of the chaos to start up the "Kel-ly! Kel-ly! Kel-ly!" chant.
In the sound booth Rector just shook his head. "Teenagers." He keyed his mike to get in touch with the rest of the crew. "Gas masks please." Donning his own mask he reached under the lighting board for his bow and quiver of arrows. Selecting a rather large white one with the words "Patriot Arrow" on the side he nocked it to the string, drew back to his cheek and let fly.
At first the arrow sped off a in a straight line. Then of its own accord it turned and dove under the seats of the audience. As it traveled it caused the audience to do the wave just like at a sporting event. This got their attention as the arrow emerged from under the seats and climbed up to fly over the heads of the assembled creatures. This time the arrow was dispersing a white mist. As the un-gas masked creatures breathed in the vapor their anger and other destructive impulses left them. They returned to their seats, righted overturned chairs, and sat with rapt attention at the bewildered ferret on stage.
"A Patriot Arrow?" Kel asked. "Like from 'Robin Hood; Men in Tights?'"
The arrow flew back to Rector who caught it, turned off the gas and put it back in his quiver. "Exactly," he confirmed.
"Well at least it's not in my footpaw this time," His Majesty Kelaiah muttered to himself. Seeing the audience was calmed down he spoke out to them again. "Getting back to the Sue we're going to try a different approach this time. May I please introduce Professors Kit and Minty from the Official FanFiction University of Redwall otherwise known as OFUR."
Since many of the audience were also staff at OFUR they cheered the two new creatures heartily. After all it was because of the fox and wolverine that the canon characters had been able to have some revenge on fanbrats. In fact the applause was greater than anything Kelaiah had ever gotten.
Human -Kel: Hey!
warrior4: Not my fault they cheered louder.
Human- Kel: Yes it is. You're writing this!
warrior4: meh (shrugs unconcernedly)
"Thank you, thank you," Minty waved to the audience.
"You're too kind, no please stop," Kit also waved at various OFUR staff members. Off in the corner he was hiding in Kelaiah the ferret tried to make himself feel better by chowing down on the unsplattered food in the Green Room.
Minty reached up and pulled down a life sized drawing of a human teenage girl directly in front of the empty seat next to the chained Sue. "Here we have the Suethor responsible for the creation of this HareSue here."
"Don't call me a Sue!" roared the Sue. "I'm a totally believable character who…mmmprmph!"
Kit had replaced the gag and continued where his partner left off. "Her name is Brooke Johnson. Her self-insert Sue here alone with her screen name is EmreldSnowflameShallowbrooke. And yes it's spelled in just one word with said incorrect capitalization."
Minty pushed the drawing back up to reveal the Suethor herself sitting in the chair looking very bewildered. "Using the same technology that allowed us to bring our victim- I mean students to OFUR we have brought Miss Johnson here to the show."
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" roared the audience.
For her part Brooke was extremely confused. Not ten minutes ago she had been sitting at her computer finishing up her oh so wonderful alternate and correct ending to "High Rhulain" when her computer froze up on her. After banging on the screen several times a weird glow had come from the screen and the next thing she knew she was chained to a chair facing life sized talking animals. She tried shouting out for help but was completely ignored.
Kit reached up and pulled down an X-ray board so the now attentive and somewhat perturbed audience could see what was inside the skull of the Suethor. The fox pointed out areas with a narrow metal wand as he talked. "Here we have the standard fan fiction author desire for attention part of the brain called the lookus at meus. However unlike normal fan fiction writers the Suethor doesn't posses the area of the brain that controls realism, referred to as the getaclueus."
Kayln popped her head out from behind her camera. "Hey! I'm a recovering Suethor myself and now what I write isn't anything like the garbage we dragged that hare out of."
Minty nodded to the irate squirrel. "Fortunately some Suethors can be changed of their ways." She nodded off to the stage wings. "Your Majesty Kelaiah? Would you please come out here?"
Hearing the nickname no one else had actually called him caused Kel to snap his head up quickly only to bang his head on a mid level stage light. "Oww!" He was rubbing his head as he came back on stage. Still his ego had been properly inflated and he strutted as best he could onstage, only to fall into the 'split your own atoms' spotlight hole again. He quickly crawled out and smoothed his tunic and fur while trying to pretend his fall hadn't happened. Good luck when the entire audience and even the Suethor were laughing at him.
Human-Kel: How come I keep falling into things or banging my head?
warrior4: Because it's funny. Besides I've saved the best upgrade for last on your lazer. You'll love how this one lights up your life. Now be quiet and let me type.
Human-Kel: mutters under his breath
Minty indicated the Suethor. "If you wouldn't mind zapping our unfortunate friend here."
Kelaiah grinned evilly as he scrolled to the 'weaponry' page on his new lazer. Taking careful aim he pressed the icon on the screen, but missed the lazer icon. Instead his claw hit the icon simply labeled "GF." Instead of the usual lazer shooting out bright orange and red fire shot out of the device and toasted over the Suethor.
Human-Kel: A flamethrower! (with a wide happy grin)
warrior4; Greek Fire to be exact. Like it?
Human-Kel: does a very good imitation of an evil scientist laugh
Once the flames died down and a nice barbeque aroma wafted around the room Kelaiah was able to speak again. Although he words only came out as an incomprehensible gleeful gibber. "Humina humina heheheheheheheh jobbajobbajobba heheheheheheheheheahhahahahaha."
Minty looked up to the lighting booth. "I think he likes it." Rector gave a wink and saluted with two fingers to the creatures on stage. "Anyway now that that the Suethor has been flamed, we can gauge its reaction to see if any of the getaclueus emerges or the opposite the idontcareus grows instead.
Through the X-ray screen a new blob of brain matter began to form in the skull of the Suethor. Her angry shouts left no doubt as to which brain area was growing. "You're so mean! It's called fanfiction! That means I can write it anyway I want to. You're all just jealous that I can write so well and want to spread joy and happiness online. You'll never get published like I will. That is how those words are spelled but who cares about grammar anyway? It's not like anyone cares how a word is spelled when you're talking anyway." She continued in this manner until another blast of Greek Fire silenced the rant.
Kelaiah looked up to the light booth. "I like, I like a lot."
Kit cut off the ferret. "As we can see here it is the idontcareus that is growing in this case. Thus we have only a few options. Enrollment in OFUR, legit authors write more nice toasty flames, or, and this one is actually quite hard to do, treat her writings like a troller or spammer and ignore her until she grows bored and goes away."
Speaking of being ignored the actual Sue had been ignored for quite a while. This led to her Sueglow to diminish which gave her enough wiggle room to spit out her gag. She instantly set up a wail. "WHAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Doesn't anyone want to hear my tragic past of pain and sorrow? How my twin sister Petunia, daughter of Cuthbert Frunk W. Bloodpaw aka Log-a-Log Boodul aka Major Blood 'n Guts Blanedale aka Lord Brockfang Frunk was killed by the same searats who captured me as a babe. And how my saving him would mend his broken heart and broken mind and how everyone.."
"FOR THE LAST TIME THAT'S EVERYBEAST!" Dandin roared out from the audience.
"…would see how beautiful I was and tiara would give her crown to me and I'd rule green isle while playing with the pretty kitties and…."
WHOOOOSSSHHHH!!!
Flames raced over the Sue compliments of Kelaiah's new Greek Fire flamethrower. When the flames died down only a charred and blacked Sue remained. She blinked her eyes and coughed out a smoke ring. "No," Kel said simply. Finally Kelaiah got the applause and cheers he craved.
Until Kayln started up her chant again. "Kel-ly! Kel-ly! Kel-ly!"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME KELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kayln was about to start up the chant even louder when a message from the light booth came in over her headset. Kayln looked up at the booth with a surprised and wicked grin and ran off stage taking Joseph the Bellmaker with her.
After Kelaiah calmed down again the show continued. The ferret turned to the audience. "It seems we're almost out of time and we have to return Brooke here to her house so she won't be late for dinner." The female security badgers grabbed hold of Brooke and frogmarched her outside onto the lawns surrounding the studio.
Waiting for her was Joseph the Bellmaker who was standing next to a small wooden cart with a string coming out from one end. On top of the cart was a seat to which the Suethor was chained. The audience was paying rapt attention to the live video being channeled into the studio from the scene outside. In fact they were so riveted they didn't see a female teenage pine marten toss a rather larger Frisbee looking thing in the direction of the Sue.
Once Brook was chained to the chair Joseph began to explain the strange contraption. "My friends, here we have the original multiple launch rocket system." He opened one of the doors of the cart to reveal hundreds of arrows with an attached rocket engine. "As you can see we have quite a bit of thrust. I've rigged the whole thing to go off at once and carry the whole cart and Miss Suethor here back to where she came from."
"Where'd you get the idea for this Mr. Bellmaker?" Kel asked.
Joseph was putting the final touches to the contraption as he answered. "Got a nice letter from Rector who claimed to have seen it on something called the History Channel."
Rector waved merrily as a camera focused on him. Kelaiah was again impressed with the addition of the new implement of destruction the brown furred mouse had come up with. The ferret turned back to the screen. "Are you ready for launch then?"
"That I am," Joseph replied. He took a box of matches and retreated behind his blast shield. "In five…four…three…two…" WHOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHH! The whole cart shot off into the air leaving a trail of smoke and Brooke's screams in the calm air. Joseph sat up rubbing his singed whiskers. "Oops, a bit of an early start there. Still it worked just fine."
Kelaiah turned back to the audience that was giving a standing ovation. "Well one problem out of the way." He turned to the Sue. "Now to get rid of one mor….ewwww"
As he had been talking the rope attached to the Flying Guillotine was given a sharp tug and the whole thing then went rolling on the floor. Kelaiah quickly turned to the stage wings to see Arawolf holding the rope and cackling to herself.
"Well that's all the time we have for today." Kel quickly spoke to the camera. "See you next time on 'Everyone's Favorite Talk Show.'"
The end music quickly rolled and the curtain came down. Soon the audience was gone and the repair/janitorial moles were cleaning up/fixing the studio. Meanwhile the alter egos were enjoying a freshly laid table in the Green Room.
"Thank you all for coming," Rector held up a bottle of root beer. "It's been a true pleasure to get another successful show under wraps. A special thanks to our new crew, Kayln, Kit, and Minty. I hope everyone had fun."
"Hey!" Kel shouted. "This was my idea first. How come you're giving the toast?"
"Cause you're to busy feeding your face and I didn't feel like waiting around. After all we all have things to do outside the realm of fan fiction," Rector told the ferret. The mouse then took a look around and noticed they were one short. "Where's Ara?"
"DUCK!" Kayln called out.
Spinning and whizzing through the air the Flying Guillotine embedded itself into the Green Room wall.
"Told you it was a mistake to give her that," Kayln muttered.
A/N; I'd write more but I'm tired and want to finish my pizza. Please let me know what you think.