Need

Disclaimer: Do I look like owning Saiyuki?

Summary: The rain could wash away blood from your hands, yet it could do nothing with your past... Will the rain wash away the secrets as well? Tell me, if you need me... HakkaiGoku friend relationship. One-shot. Set somewhere in Homura arc, between episode 39 and 40. NON-YAOI.

A/N: Just a fic I accidentaly came up while uselessly studying for an absolutely unnecessary exam (sighs). Inspired from one of my friend's fic 'Don't Lose Yourself'. Only, if 'Don't Lose Yourself' is about Goku comforting Hakkai, this fic will be the other way around. Before it's beta-ed, all the mistakes are mine. Hope you'll enjoy.

It rained again.

Hakkai stared at the window, watching the droplets fell from the sky, staining the glass surface. The sky was dark, too dark to tell whether it's day or night. Clouds hovered above them, blanketing the sky, shadowing the whole universe with its darkness.

The green-eyed man sighed. It had been raining for two days, forcing them to stay in this town for a longer time than expected. And everybody's on a bad mood.

Sanzo locked himself in his room, shooting everything moving passed his door. Hakkai, as well as the others, were well aware of Sanzo's behavior when it rained. So they just let the monk sulk, drowning himself deep inside his misery.

Gojyo, in other hand, couldn't stand the silence and decided to go out for a drink. Hakkai could only stare as his red-haired friend made his way out to the pouring rain, and hasn't come back until now. The healer felt slight worry in his mind but he knew full well that the half-breed could take care of himself.

While Goku...

Hakkai closed his eyes as remembrance of his youngest companion filled his mind. Goku had no tragic past related to rain unlike him and Sanzo. It was the snow the young heretic used to fear. Yet, with their help, Goku had managed to overcome his fear towards snow and Hakkai often witness him playing snow-ball wars with Gojyo when he was younger. Goku had no reason to fear the rain. Or was he...?

Hakkai recalled the events happened just a week ago. It was the same rainy day, and Sanzo was in his worst mood. Goku was very worried and tried to cheer him up, but the pissed monk threw harsh words and yelled at him to get lost. Truly hurt this time, Goku ran away into the rain, away from Sanzo and the others, only to end up kidnapped by Homura.

Fortunately, Homura returned Goku back to them, with reasons only he knows. Hakkai had inspected Goku for injuries after that, and only found several minor bruises. But still, he couldn't guess what kind of damage that had been done to Goku's mind while he was at Homura's clutches.

Hakkai sighed. He didn't know if Sanzo and Gojyo realized this, but he had been noticing that Goku had been quieter since the incident. True, he's still hyper and eat like crazy, but Hakkai could tell that the boy had lost the usual brightness in his eyes. And his smile was somehow... less innocent. Hakkai wondered what kind of thing that could make their little naive Goku lost his inner light.

"Ne... Hakkai? Can I come in?"

The knock on his door followed by the very familiar voice jerked Hakkai's mind back. The brunette straightened himself as he answered the voice.

"Why, of course Goku. Wait a second, I'm coming."

Hakkai turned the door knob and opened the door gently, revealing the golden-eyed boy standing outside. A frown made its way to Hakkai's brows. Goku had his head bowed, his brown bangs shadowing his eyes.

"Goku, is something wrong?" The green-eyed man asked gently, placing reassuring hands to the boy's shoulders. Only then he realized that Goku's shoulders were shaking.

"Goku...?"

"Hakkai..." Goku finally spoke, his voice was croaked and far from his usual cheerful one, "Can I... stay with you for a while?"

Hakkai stared at the teen for a brief moment before nodding and replying, "Why, of course you can. Come in."

He placed his hand on the boy's back and led him inside. Then he turned and closed the door behind him.

He offered Goku to sit on his bed and asked if the boy wanted anything to eat. To his surprise, Goku shook his head.

"No, thanks, Hakkai. I don't want to eat. I just want to talk."

The words took Hakkai aback for a brief moment. He didn't know that Goku could be so solemn; moreover, refusing food. Something was definitely wrong.

"Is anything wrong Goku? I thought you are supposed to be roomed with Sanzo..."

Hakkai covered his mouth, regretting the words instantly as he saw Goku shifted uneasy. Of course, the young heretic might be too afraid to get near Sanzo when it rained. Not after what happened the last time.

"I'm sorry, Goku. I didn't mean to..."

"It alright, Hakkai," Goku smiled a little, but Hakkai could see that the smile was empty, "I'm the one who should apologize, for disturbing you and all. But... I have nowhere else to go. Gojyo has off somewhere while Sanzo... well, Sanzo doesn't like disturbances." Sheer emotion filled the luminous golden eyes, clouded the shine within it.

"I just want to ask you, Hakkai... do you need me?" the younger brunette finally gazed up to the older one, golden eyes met emerald.

Hakkai stunned, not knowing what to answer.

What does this mean...?

"Ano... mind explaining why you suddenly asked me such a question, Goku?" Hakkai replied kindly, as he gently took a seat next to Goku.

The golden-eyed teen bowed his head, his expression was unreadable.

"Never mind. Sorry for disturbing you, Hakkai. I'll just... go."

With that, he stood hastily and proceeded to leave. But then, he froze as he felt his wrist was grabbed by Hakkai.

"Let go of me, Hakkai," he whispered, not daring to look at the older youkai.

"Not before you tell me the reason why you have been acting strange these days," Hakkai said firmly as he stood as well, gripping Goku's wrist as he did so.

Goku winced, "Nothing, really. I'm fine, just let me go..."

"No."

Hakkai refused to let go. Pulling Goku towards him, he titled Goku's chin and stared squarely at the boy's glassy eyes. He could definitely see sadness and desperation swirling in those once innocent golden orbs.

Something did happen...

"What is it, Goku? Is it concerning Sanzo?" Hakkai asked gently yet curiously.

Goku bowed his head, "No. It's just... me."

Still gripping Goku's wrist, Hakkai gently guided the teen to sit on his bed again, placing reassured hand on the boy's slender shoulder.

"You know you can always trust me, Goku." Hakkai spoke gently with his assuring tone.

Goku sighed as he finally decided to speak, "It's just..."

"Go on," Hakkai pushed him.

"It's just... when it rains, I couldn't help but remember when Sanzo got mad of me a few days ago. When I ran away, and Homura got me. We fought, and he dislocated my shoulder to knock me unconscious. Then, he had me chained to a cold wall in a very dark place... that resembles my prison very much."

Hakkai could feel shudder ran on Goku's shoulder, as the boy continued to speak.

"I was there, tied up, defenseless, looking at Homura staring at me as if I was his possession. I thought he was going to kill me. But instead, he leaned over me and... and whispered horrible, horrible things to me..." Goku shut his eyes as the memory filled his mind.

Hakkai stared at the boy, bewildered. Goku had never talked about what happened to him when he was held captive by Homura. When the first time he asked the boy about what exactly happened, Goku just gave him a sad smile and shrugged it off, refusing to answer. Hakkai just got the impression that it must be really painful for Goku to talk about it, so he didn't push him any further. But now, Goku himself has come to him and pouring his heart contents...

"What did he say?" Hakkai asked gently, drawing the trembling kid closer to him, wrapping assuring arms around his shoulders.

Goku closed his eyes to calm his feelings before answering, "He said... he said that I'm an abnormal being. I'm a disgrace, an outcast, who will bring nothing but disaster. A heretic. A solitary being, leading a lonely life." Golden eyes shut tighter and Hakkai could feel Goku's erratic heartbeat beneath his skin.

"Homura told me that I don't belong anywhere. Not in the Heaven, not in this world. He said I shouldn't even have existed, for my existence will only bring imbalance in this world. He said... that I followed Sanzo only to find a place to belong. He said that I need Sanzo, it's true. But then, he said that... Sanzo doesn't need me." His voice was trembling now.

Hakkai clutched the boy tighter; his hand patted the boy's back gently.

"Continue..." he whispered, pushing the teen to pour out all his doubts, frustration, sadness, desperation.

"Homura said he can help me getting my memories back. He knows about me more than I know myself. Homura said that he needs me. He promised to protect me and get me everything I desire. But in turn... I have to come to his side." Goku bit his lips, suddenly looked terrified.

"I... Hakkai, I..." He gazed up to the older youkai, his golden eyes gleamed in fear. "For a moment, I thought... I thought I almost agreed with his offer..." He closed his eyes and Hakkai could feel his small fingers gripped his shirt, shaking uncontrolably. "It scares me, Hakkai. To think that I've ever considered to leave Sanzo... to leave you guys... it disgusts me... reminding me that I was... I am... weak."

Hakkai caressed Goku's shuddering back softly, not knowing of what else to do. So this is the reason of Goku's strange attitude. He was feeling guilty that he had let himself lured by Homura's offer. Though...

"But you refused, didn't you?" He asked quietly.

Goku nodded, though his voice still trembled. "Yes. But still, I..."

"But you refused." Hakkai stated calmly, causing the boy to look up to him with his glassy eyes. "You still choose to be with us. You don't have to feel guilty or anything, Goku, it's not your fault. Anyone would be thinking the same if they were in your position."

To think that Homura used such a perfect timing when Goku was distancing himself with Sanzo...

"But..." Goku still tried to retort. "But what if I didn't? What if for some reason I agreed? I was this close into giving in, Hakkai!" He bowed his head. "Homura... he was just... alluring. The promises he gave me... it was difficult to resist. I... I'm scared of betraying you guys..."

"You didn't." Hakkai assured. "In the end, you didn't give in. Even though you claimed that you almost give in, you're still stay true to us. You're not weak, Goku. To the contrary, you're a very strong person."

Hakkai stared down at the boy, smiling softly. "That's why, never let those kind of thoughts confuse you anymore, okay?"

Goku stared back, his golden eyes were still glassy as a soft smile finally graced his face. He nodded, gripping Hakkai's shirt in relief. "Yes."

Next time we meet... I will take him by force.

The War God's last words rang in Hakkai's mind. He knew that Homura wanted not only Maten Sutra but also Goku as well. But one thing he couldn't understand was why Homura used such a complicated approach? The War God was strong enough to beat the crap out of them and snatch both Goku and Maten Sutra. Besides, what does Homura want from Goku? His Seiten Taisei power? But that's too...

"Ne... Hakkai..."

Hakkai snapped out from his thought. He stared down right onto deep color of gold.

"Yes, Goku?"

Goku smiled, "Thanks for listening to me. I feel much better now. I've been keeping this to myself for all these days, and now I'm feeling way better. Thank you very much, Hakkai."

Hakkai stared at those innocent eyes. They had regained their usual shine, but somehow, they still not the same eyes he used to see on Goku.

"Hakkai? You can let go of me now. I've disturbed you enough." Goku stirred a little, trying to move Hakkai's arms from his shoulders. Hakkai lifted his arms gently, breaking skin contact with the boy. Goku stood, preparing himself to leave.

"Goku?" Hakkai called softly, capturing the teen's attention back.

"Yes?"

The green-eyed man let a smile played on his lips as he spoke gently, "I just want you to know, your existence is not meaningless for us. You're not a disgrace; you're a bless. Don't let Homura's words poison you, Goku. You might be a heretic, but you're the purest living being in this world. We need you, Son Goku; even Sanzo does. Though knowing him, his pride won't allow him to accept it," Hakkai stared as the boy dropped his jaw in aw, winking his green eye as he added, "But don't tell him about this, okay? I doubt he will ever above admitting it."

Goku stared at the older brunette for a few moments before breaking into a dash and caught Hakkai in a bear hug. Hakkai gasped as he felt Goku's body pressed against him, with small arms encircling his waist. But what was more surprising was, the hiccups sound the boy made while burying his face onto his chest. Hakkai realized, Goku was crying.

"A-Arigato, Hakkai," the boy croaked, his arms gulfed the older man tighter as he tried to control himself from tears of relief.

"I-I'm so sorry... I'm going to stain your shirt... I... I promise I'll laundry it for you later but... now..." his hands trembled, "I... I need someone... to cry on..."

Hakkai nodded his head in understanding. Stroking Goku's back gently, he let the boy cried out his heart contents; his sadness, confusion, and frustration.

When the teen finally stopped, Hakkai looked down.

"Are you done?"

Goku gave no respond. Curiously, Hakkai stared at the boy's face only to notice that the teen had already fallen asleep. He sweatdropped.

"Yare yare... He must be really tired after bearing the burdens all by himself..."

Hakkai stared at the window. It was still raining. Then, there's no way for Goku to stay in the same room with Sanzo tonight. Sighing, Hakkai lifted Goku's small body and placed the boy gently on Gojyo's bed. It doesn't look like Gojyo is going to go back tonight either, he thought as he pulled the blanket up to Goku's neck. He smiled as he observed the sleeping boy. The boy looked somehow more innocent in his sleep. Such innocence that nearly got stained away.

Hakkai sighed as he took a seat on his previous spot beside the window.

I just... want to ask you, Hakkai... do you need me?

Green eyes darkened as Hakkai stared at his hands, the particular limbs he knew were stained with blood three years ago.

I'm a disgrace, an outcast. A heretic. An abnormal being.

Hakkai stared at Goku's sleeping face, a sad smile on his face. He was a sinner. A murderer. He couldn't wash the blood from his hands. He couldn't escape from the chain of his past. He was guilty. He was impure. He was stained. A sinner...

Tell me Goku... do you need me?

-OWARI- (for now)

A/N: Sorry, I have to stop before this fic really turned into yaoi ^^;

The ending is a bit off, I must admit. I suck at making endings...

And since it's a pretty nasty cliff, do you think I should make a sequel or something?

And there are a lot of spoilers from ep. 39 Saiyuki season 2, Misty Rain. I just loved that episode! I squealed a lot at the HomuraGoku-ness! I felt like screaming both "Get your hands off Goku, you sick perverted god!" and "OMG! Move closer!! You're just an inch from his lips!!" I'm sick, ne?

Anyway, please tell me what you think, any comments will be appreciated.

Ja ne!

r&k