Title: Before It's too Late - Reposted

Author: B0gw0ppit

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my dog, my VW and my dreams, although Hodges does feature in them quite a lot... the dreams that is, not the VW, although that would be nice too...

Warning: In later chapters this gets major angsty, with reference to homophobia, violence and death, so if you are offended by such things please do not read, or only read up to the chapters with the warnings on. Thanks.

Author's note: I had intended for this to be a one shot, but I quite like it now, so I'm going to carry on. I don't usually write slash but Hodges and Sanders inspire me. No spoilers yet, no reference to any particular episode, although there may be in later chapters. I haven't seen every single episode though, so if for instance Hodges' parents are both still alive and well and living on a farm in Oregon with a dog called Bo forgive me.

I have taken the alternate ending down now that I wrote, because I was inspired to write more and the story completely got away from me! If anyone wants to read the alternate, happier ending to the first chapter visit my website, the link to which is in my profile.

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

So live like you mean it
Love til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

Before It's Too Late by the Goo Goo Dolls

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David Hodges was straight. He knew he was straight, because he liked women. He liked looking at women in short skirts, he had been to strip clubs, bought magazines; he had even been on a few internet sites before he started getting pervy emails and deleted everything. He liked having sex with women, he had had relationships with women, he had married a woman.

So why then did he keep finding himself watching Greg Sanders? Every time the boy walked into a room Hodges would know he was there, even if he had his back to him, like some kind of weird sixth sense. Sometimes in the locker room he would find himself watching Greg's smooth, hairless chest as the young man changed his shirt, and he would tear his gaze away quickly before anyone could catch him looking. Greg's beatific smile lifted even the most morbid of Hodges' moods, though he had to pretend the boy just annoyed him, and lately he had found himself hoping that their shifts would fall the same, that the latest case would have trace to analyze, that Greg would be the one to bring it to him. When had all this begun? He didn't know, neither would he admit that anything had begun, even to himself.

He had never had feelings for another man, and he wasn't about to start now. Just because Greg had started to feature in some of Hodges' more erotic dreams didn't mean he was gay. He wasn't. He was straight, always had been, always would be. He told himself that Greg was just a nice guy, despite being damned irritating at times, the best of a bunch of assholes, the only one who seemed to appreciate Hodges' brilliance, perhaps because Greg had once been a lab rat himself. Birds of a feather and all that.

Maybe the lonely nights and endless days had finally gotten to him. Maybe it was because the anniversary of his divorce was coming up and he hadn't gotten laid since leaving LA. Maybe it was because he had finally realized that all women were bitches after Sara had so coldly turned down his attempt at friendship, a last ditch shot at fitting in here, being normal. Whatever it was something had died deep inside of him, and he knew without a doubt that he was destined to spend the rest of his life alone. Maybe that was why he looked at Greg, the boy was so alive, always happy, always upbeat, always optimistic, everything, in fact, that Hodges was not.

He hated birthdays, and he especially hated his birthday. It was just a day, that's all, just another day in the endless drudgery of life, a reminder of all the rest of the days and years that he would have to go through alone before he could find some blessed release. So he didn't appreciate it one little bit when Wendy announced that they were all coming over to his place to throw him a party. How the hell had she, Mandy, Greg, Nick, Archie and Bobby all managed to get the night off at the same time? And how the hell had that night just happened to coincide with his birthday and his own night off? He smelled a rat, but Grissom was as enigmatic as ever when he tackled him about it, and he didn't catch the look of gratitude that Greg threw the boss as he left the break room.

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And so here they all were in his tiny, bare apartment devoid of any and all adornment. He had never felt the need for stuff, and as a result his place looked about as welcoming as the morgue. Still, he didn't care, it wasn't as though he had invited them. They could take it or leave it, and he sure as hell would have preferred if they had left it. He took a swig of the beer Nick had thrust into his hand and scowled around the room. Greg had brought music, if you could call that cacophony music, Nick had brought Dukes of Hazard for the X-Box and was firmly trouncing Archie at it, Bobby had brought beer, and the girls were sharing a bottle of red as they giggled about some new guy at work together.

As he looked around at the motley collection of people, wondering why the hell they were all here when they didn't even like him, he felt eyes on him, and he turned his head to see Greg leaning in the kitchen doorway, watching him. As their gazes met the younger man smiled, and raised his bottle toward the tech.

"Happy birthday," he mouthed, smiling, but not even attempting to speak over the music.

Hodges narrowed his eyes at the boy, wondering not for the first time whether Greg was the one behind all this. He was forever trying to bring him out of himself, getting him to join in stuff, and refused to ever be put off by Hodges obvious snarks and put-downs. What did he want from him?

"Hey Hodges, c'mon, have a go at this, it's cool," Bobby called from his place four inches away from the TV screen.

Hodges was having a hard time pulling his gaze away from Greg's, those deep brown eyes seeming to hold him in an invisible force field, and the sound of the young tech's voice made him jump. He blinked and looked over at the couch where Wendy and Mandy were still giggling together, and kept throwing glances his way. No doubt they were having some sort of giant joke at his expense, all of them. Probably just wanted to come over so that they could report back to the other guys in the lab what a freak he was even in the comfort of his own home. Although comfort was relative. The only comfortable thing here was the couch. Why werethey all here? It wasn't as if they even liked him. He sighed, and dragged his feet across to the couch where he sat, half-heartedly trying to look as though he was enjoying himself, when all he wanted was for everyone to go home and leave him alone. When had he gotten so old, so bitter?

As the evening wore on Hodges noticed that Greg was drinking rather a lot, then again, so was everyone, himself included. If he couldn't beat them, preferably over their heads with his 'scope... then again no, his 'scope was worth too much... he supposed he would have to join them, and was well into his fifth can, or was it the sixth? He didn't drink much, didn't like the thought of losing control, but damn it, it was his birthday, and he couldn't keep up this untouchable shield of indifference all the time. At some point he remembered feeling a pang of jealousy stab through him like a knife when he saw Greg and Nick huddled in a corner together, but even as he watched they both threw him a surreptitious look over their shoulders, and he looked away quickly before they could see he had seen them.

And then suddenly they were leaving, and he groggily endured insincere hugs and best wishes as they all filed out of the door. Nick was the last to go, and clapped him on the shoulder, almost knocking him over as he grinned at him. That man did not know his own strength.

"Hey man, hope it all works out for you, you know?" the Texan drawled in that awkward, restrained, good ol' buddy way of his.

The habitual frown Hodges wore deepened as the words sank in to his foggy brain, and he opened his mouth to ask what the hell Stokes was talking about. But it was too late, the man was gone, and Hodges was left alone with his thoughts once more.

Or almost alone.

As he closed the door he had a sinking feeling of dread and fluttering anticipation that he wasn't alone, and even before he turned he knew that Greg was there.

For the longest time he stood by the door, looking, just looking, at the boyish figure on the couch. Greg slept like a toddler, elbows bent at shoulder height and hands clenched in loose fists beside his head, a small smile on his face, long lashes sweeping down across high cheekbones, tight black shirt stretching over wiry frame, pulled up to show a tantalizing glimpse of pale, taut stomach, a trail of fine brown hair leading down to... Hodges blinked, frowned, and pulled himself together. He must have had more to drink than he realized, either that or the double shifts he had been pulling had finally caught up with him and he was so tired he had started to drift off into waking dreams... dreams that did not involve Greg Sanders in any way shape or form. He would wake him up, yes, that's what he would do, shake him awake and tell him to leave, because the last thing he wanted was to have to face him in the morning, to have Greg asleep here while he tried to sleep in his big, cold, empty bed alone. Not that he wanted Greg to share his bed with him, that would be stupid, Hodges was straight, and if he stopped to think about it he could swear that Greg and Nick had a thing going on. Not that it was any of his business, not that he did ever think about it. But... anyway, he would wake him up. He wouldn't even touch him, he would call him from here.

But inexorably his feet were taking him across the carpet to where the boy lay, and his hand reached out of its own accord to touch the pale cheek with shaking fingers. Hodges watched himself doing this from somewhere up above, he asked himself what the hell he thought he was doing, but he couldn't stop doing it all the same. The younger man's skin was so smooth... and he looked so peaceful lying there...

Suddenly a hand flew down to grab his wrist in a vice like grip, and smoldering brown eyes were gazing calmly up into his own frightened blue-green orbs. Hodges jerked his hand back, but Greg was surprisingly strong, and he was held firm.

"What are you doing David?" the younger man asked softly, the small secret smile still playing around his lips.

"Nothing! I was..." Hodges stuttered, horrified at being caught out, then he stiffened as his defense mechanism kicked in. "I was trying to wake you up, you idiot. What the hell did you think I was doing? Get off me!"

He yanked his hand back once more, but still Greg held it tightly, practically cutting off the blood supply to his hand. Hodges frowned, then stilled, drawn in by those big brown eyes that held his so intently. This was... wrong. He was straight, he shouldn't even be thinking the thoughts he was thinking about those eyes that seemed to look down into his very soul, those lips and what it would be like to kiss them... He was straight. And not only was he straight but he was terrified of letting anyone know his feelings, terrified of the hurt, terrified of the laughter, terrified of letting anyone in only to be let down yet again. And this was... this was Greg, from work, whom he would have to face every day, who would go back and tell everyone just what an gullible jerk Hodges was, how he had made a pass at him when he was drunk, how he was a fag as well as a kiss-ass geek that no one in their right mind would ever want to be with. No, no, he wasn't gay, he was straight. He liked women, he liked breasts and he liked legs in stockings and he liked long hair and soft hands...

"Kiss me David," Greg requested, confident and gentle, relaxing his grip on the older man's wrist just enough to restore the blood supply.

He should have taken the opportunity to move, to escape, to make everything go back to normal, the way it should be, before it was too late. But that second's hesitation changed everything, forever. While his rational mind was screaming at him to get up, to pull away, to get out while he still could, a tiny part of it, impossible to ignore, was protesting, was saying yes, kiss him, it's what you want, you know it is. He shook his head helplessly, barely a movement at all, but still he didn't move away. He was ensnared in that dark brown gaze which held him so effortlessly in its thrall. Maybe, just maybe he could... just this once, just to see what it would be like...

"It's alright David, you can trust me..." Greg coaxed, knowing some of what his co-worker and friend had been through, the walls he had put up to protect himself from the pain, wanting to reassure him that he understood.

Greg was more nervous than he looked. Confident as he was he still wasn't sure about David Hodges. Despite the looks and the smiles and the teasing that went on between them, despite Nick's assurances that his suspicions were correct and Hodges did like him that way, he still wasn't sure, and he didn't want this to go wrong. He cared too much.

Hodges froze, all of his unhappy past rushing up to meet him head on. Trust him...

He had heard that before... Trust, he had trusted his ex-wife, he had trusted his former best friend, and then he had found them together when he came home early from work one day. He had trusted his parents to always be there for him, and they had both left him, one to a better life with a new boyfriend who didn't want the responsibility of kids, the other as a result of too many years smoking and a lump in his throat that just wouldn't get better; not that he had ever really been there for his son. Mr Hodges was always far too hung up on Mrs Hodges to care whether the child they had created together was spending his school days getting beaten up for his lunch money. He had trusted Nancy Jenkins when she had assured him that she loved him, even when deep down he knew that she was the most popular girl in class and there was no way she would look twice at a geek like him. Yeah he had trusted her, and he had suffered the laughter and derision from his class mates when he had tried to talk to her in public one day only to have her look at him the way she would look at a cockroach, to have her tell him that of course it had just been a bet to see if he would fall for it. That had been the worst blow of all, the first cut was always the deepest, and it had shaped him, along with the many other disappointments he had endured, into the cynical, defensive, antisocial, falsely arrogant bastard he was today. If you didn't allow yourself to care or be cared for you didn't get hurt, and that was the philosophy David Hodges lived by. There were only so many times you could bounce back, and he had run out of bounce at last the day his wife had left him for his best friend.

Every defensive bone in his body was now screaming at him to run, to get away, that this was a giant wind-up just like before, all those years ago. A bet, it had to be a bet, probably instigated by that cold bitch Sara, a bet that Greg wouldn't have been able to resist. Tomorrow everyone at work would know how he, Hodges, had made a complete idiot of himself, thinking a guy like Greg Sanders would be interested in someone like him. That was where trust got you... it got you hurt, and he refused to be hurt ever again.

"Get the fuck out of here!" he whispered hoarsely, breathing hard, his husky tone rising slowly to hysteria. "What the fuck do you think I am Sanders? Why the hell would you do this? What sort of sick joke... Just... just get out!"

For a moment Greg thought he may have misjudged the situation, misread the looks he sometimes caught Hodges giving him, the smile that seemed to be meant only for him, the sarcastic comments that somehow seemed to be meant as endearments, so venomous was Hodges' quiet outrage, worse than any yelling and screaming and lashing out with fists would have been. There was sheer panic in his eyes, in the tension of his shoulders, the set of his jaw, panic and hatred and blind fury.

But then he saw something else in those eyes, and he knew. Just for one split second as Hodges raged, his furious gaze had dropped to Greg's mouth, and the panic had been replaced by... What? A hopeless, helpless desperation, a tiny flicker of longing in the desolation of his soul, before disappearing as though it had never been. But Greg had seen it. He had been right, he had known, even before Hodges knew himself. The younger man, wise beyond his years, had recognized something in the shell that was David Hodges, something crying out for help.

"David, please..." he whispered, reaching out his free hand to try to touch his cheek, but Hodges jerked his head to one side, practically hyperventilating in his panicked state.

Greg didn't know how to get past this. For all his wisdom he was still only young, and he had never encountered such a reticent, angry man as Hodges, one with so many unresolved anxieties, a man who seemed to fight against his very instincts, even though it hurt him all the more. How could he get through to him? How could he reassure him that he was sincere, that he would never intentionally hurt him? For a long time he had wanted this moody, cantankerous, sarcastic man. Hodges was wrong, there was nothing going on between him and Nick, nothing but a friendship born out of too many late nights and early mornings working cases that would have had them in straight jackets if they hadn't learned to laugh about them. Nick was gorgeous, sure, but he was also completely straight, and in a very stable relationship with a beautiful girl whom Greg liked a lot. And Nick had been there for him on all those long nights when his longing for the snarky lab rat had gotten too much for him. Nick had listened, without making a judgment, giving advice only when it was asked for. It had been Nick who had told him to go with his instincts, to let Hodges know how he felt, to not let the chance pass them by. This man, this uptight, repressed man looking so scared right now before him, was the only one he wanted. How and when it had started he had no idea, he only knew that the one night stands had gradually fizzled to nothing, that work had taken priority, and that he had begun to spend far too much time in the labs for a CSI, almost more than he had when he had actually worked there. He licked his dry lips as still he hung onto the man's wrist as though his life depended on it, and maybe it did.

Hodges' had never felt such an inner conflict, instinct fighting instinct, heart fighting soul, rational fighting longing. He wanted to trust him, oh he wanted to so much, but... he just couldn't bring himself to let go. He was too far gone, had been through too much. People couldn't be trusted, and loving someone hurt too much.

Slowly he shook his head, at last sliding his wrist out of the young man's loosened grasp. This time Greg didn't stop him, and Hodges rose to his feet.

"Go home Greg," he said softly, unable to meet the other's gaze.

Greg paused for the longest time, afraid to go, afraid to stay. But finally after what seemed like a life time he got to his feet, all the while pleading silently with his eyes for Hodges to speak again, to tell him he didn't mean it. But the older man did not speak, and with dragging steps Greg walked out of the apartment, closing the door softly behind him as he mentally kicked himself for fucking it up.

He didn't hear the desolate sound which escaped Hodges' lips as the door clicked closed, and he didn't see the lab rat sink slowly to the floor, head in his hands, cursing his stupidity.

Why couldn't he let go of the past? Why couldn't he trust Greg? The boy had never hurt him, never would, he knew. David Hodges silently cried, for all the missed opportunities, for all the unvoiced sentiments, for all the wasted years and the self-denial... and he wished that Greg would come back.

David Hodges was straight... So why was he in love with Greg Sanders?