Why do you hate me?
Am I really asking for so much?
Am I really being that selfish?
I just want to be happy.
Doesn't everybody?
Am I wrong...?
Please...

Just...

L o o k A t M e

C h a p t e r I

"I think I've got it."

"Yeah? That's nice."

I just wanted him to leave me alone. Even unintentionally, he was gloating. All it took was his presence to rub it in my face, my face which — well hidden by the darkness of the cell, burned in shame. I had been down right humiliated, and no, it wasn't just that he had (as he would have unintelligently put it,) 'kicked my sorry, scrawny behind' — it was so much more than that. I had taken a bruise to my ego worse than any other before, and he had been the one to inflict it. I just couldn't deal with it. I just couldn't accept it. It made no sense!

"It's that whole angsty, pitiful thing you got going on there. You probably wouldn't look half that attractive if you wandered around smiling all the time." He said decidedly, a look of absolute revelation on his face, and it didn't last long. It crumpled again into a look of confusion, his blond brows wrinkled together in thought. "Or maybe it's because you look like a girl. The chicks are all for that pretty boy thing nowadays. Or maybe! Maybe, it's because you're playing hard to get. There's nothing anybody wants more than something they can't have."

I had never fully understood this concept until it could be applied into my own life.

"Or!" He continued, his mouth splitting into an eye-to-ear smile, his azure eyes twinkling with a (not so) bright idea. "It could be the deadly combination of all..." He counted on his fingers. "Three!" And coming at last to the end of what he obviously thought to be a brilliant conclusion, he rocked back on two legs of the chair and rested an open-toed shoe on one of the bars separating us. "I have discovered the secret behind your success with the opposite sex."

What on earth possessed her to fall in love with this idiot? To choose him over me?

I sighed, blowing the bangs out of my eyes with a frustrated exhale. The cell was cold and the only source of dim light came from the flickering lamps that hung from the ceiling, strung all the way down the long hallway. It was stuffy and stale and smelt of mold, but the tunnels and rooms of Orochimaru's lairs had not been much different, and I had grown accustomed to the poor state of living. Besides, I was in jail. I was there prisoner. I couldn't betray my home country and then expect them to welcome me into a nicely furnished hotel room with a complimentary meal? "I am not pitiful." I replied at last in an annoyed monotone. "I do not look like a girl. And I am not playing hard to get. Sorry, try again."

He snorted in amusement and sat up strait, the chair falling back onto all fours with a loud clatter. "You are too pitiful. I could cry myself to sleep tonight just thinking about you, Mr. Gloom-and-Doom. Hard to get? Okay, maybe you're playing Impossible to get instead. And as for looking like a girl? Sure. Slap on a couple of boobs and cut you down a few inches vertical-wise, and you could totally pass for a woman." He squinted and stared at me scrutinizingly, pressing his lips together. There was something in the way he looked at me that caused me to suppress a shudder. "You'd actually be kind of good looking." He finished finally.

This time, I did actually shudder. I couldn't help but wonder why me, why was I the one forced to suffer with an incurable idiot? "That's disgusting. Don't ever say anything like that again." I said, trying to fight away the look of repulse that was forcing its way into my features. He threw back his head and howled in laughter, obviously finding something hilarious where I did not. When the chuckling had died down and the echoes had faded away, he wiped at his eye. "What are you doing down here, anyway? I have difficulty believing you just wanted my company."

He sat up a bit straighter, his eyes shifting and his face flushing like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar. "The council is looking for me." He murmured quietly, scratching guiltily at the whisker marks on his cheek. "I... um.. forgot to do the paperwork today. And the day before... And I don't know, maybe the day before that too." He chuckled abashedly. "So I figured I'd hide the one place they wouldn't think of. With you!"

I should have been used to this sort of behavior coming from him by now, but I was still amazed by his stupidity. I slapped the palm of my head against my forehead and shook my head as he spat out a few nonsensical words in an attempt to defend himself. "You are completely inadequate for this job." I deadpanned. "Konoha is doomed."

"Hey!" He retorted loudly, jumping to his feet and pointing a finger at me dramatically. It took little to offend him even now, after years of his life where he was supposed to mature and grow, and revoke a furious over-reaction. "I kicked your sorry, scrawny behind once, and I'll do it again! So help me god!" He bellowed rapidly, spurting out the words so quickly I could barely make sense of them. And he rambled on incessantly; a growing headache. "Just who do you think you are? I'm the sixth Hokage, dattebayo!"

I clamped my hands over my ears but they did not completely block out his yells. "Would you shut up??" I hissed over them, causing him to fall into a greatly welcomed silence. "Deny it all you want, you're still a terrible Hokage."

I had expected him to burst into another fit of incoherent screams, but he returned to his seat, looking surprisingly defeated. He lowered his head, and the tufts of golden hair shielded his eyes from view. "I know, I know." He muttered. I was stunned. Maybe he had changed more than I thought, after all. His eyes shot up to meet mine once more, glistening hopefully. "But I'm a fast learner!"

"No, you're not." I replied.

And up he was again, gripping two bars and pressing his face in between them, getting as close to in-my-face as he could get under the circumstances. "You're a glutton for punishment, Sasuke-teme! I'll put a hurt on you, I swear I will! I kicked your sorry, scrawny behind once, and I can do it again!" I could see the tendons in his tanned, clenched hands. "Are you listening to me? Get over here, you coward! Stop hiding in the corner!"

"For the last time, you did not kick my sorry, scrawny behind. Not that I have one," I added quickly. "I didn't fight back. That doesn't qualify as a win, sorry to break it to you."

"Yes it does. I won by default." He said proudly, jabbing himself in the chest with his thumb. He paused, his expression relaxing as he stared at me thoughtfully. "Speaking of which, why was it exactly that you didn't fight back, Sasuke?" He leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees and resting his chin against his intertwined fingers. "You're the kind of stubborn prick who would never surrender."

I breathed in, avoiding his piecing gaze, and tried to think out a plausible excuse. The true reason why I had given in so willingly was one I would never be willing to share, and one that wouldn't be pried out of me even if a sword was hanging above my head. The words came to me easily enough. Lying had become my lifestyle. "Why would I?" I asked coolly, giving a slight shake of the head. "I killed him. I was going in that direction eventually anyway."

I was anxious. Anxious as I waited to see whether or not he would accept my answer. How... foolish. There was a pit in my stomach when it became obvious enough that my response had not satisfied him. He was clearly skeptical. "You still won't back down from a fight Sasuke, pointless or not."

I opened my mouth, bidding more falsehoods to come and clear away his suspicion. They didn't. I sat there silently, raking my mind for excuses, praying he wouldn't pursue the matter further. Drop it. Just drop it. Please.

"You didn't want to let her see you like that, did you?"

Was I really so easy to read? Was it really that obvious? Or was Naruto really so much smarter than I pegged him for?

As much as I hated to admit it, Naruto had become too strong to overcome easily. Engaging in battle with him would mean relying on the second stage of the cursed seal, and... She was standing right there. Right next to him. Those innocent eyes should never be tainted my such a sight. How could I let her see me turn into such a... monster? I never want to let her see me...

Before I realized what I was doing my mouth was already spurting out denials. "Don't say such ridiculous things." I huffed, making a point of staring anywhere besides at him. I didn't want any proof to be given away in my eyes. "Why on earth would I give a crap about what Sakura sees me as?" Before I had even realized my mistake his mouth was slipping into a triumphant smile.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. But I didn't mention anything about Sakura, now did I?"

He had backed me into a corner. I could hardly believe that I had let myself be trapped so easily, condemned by a simple slip of the tongue. Despite the fact it was helpless to deny it any longer, I still searched desperately to defend myself from his accurate accusations. He just grinned knowingly, ineffectively trying to hold back snorts of laughter.

"Did somebody say my name?"

Her voice caught me, and apparently Naruto too, off guard. He froze and went rigid, paling several shades. Sakura was walking down the hallway towards us in a white lab coat, and she seemed to glow in comparison to her otherwise dreary surroundings. Her eyes were narrowed but her lips were smiling, indicating an amused disapproval as she stared at a speechless Naruto. "S-Sakura-chan!" He spluttered, shooting upwards to his feet as she came to a stop in front of him, putting one hand on her hip. He towered over her by a good head, even when his shoulders were hunched as he put his hands in front of himself defensively. His face slipped into a sheepish smile. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to check on him." She spat, gesturing towards me. Her words jabbed like a knife at my chest. She wouldn't even so much as say my name. "I'm doing my job. You, on the other hand, better explain why you are here and NOT doing your job, fast." She scolded him like a mother would her child.

"Um... I came to give Sasuke some company!" He said quickly and unconvincingly. "See, look at the poor thing. Doesn't he seem so lonely?" I opened my mouth to say something about hating every minute of his unwanted visit, and wishing him away, but she did. She looked right at me, but she looked right through me. My brain shut down. Those green eyes bore right into me, even though they were so cold, so uncaring. As suddenly as she had turned it my way she turned her head away and directed her attention back towards Naruto.

"He's been happy to be alone for his entire life, and he's happy to be alone now." She replied. "Now you get your butt back to your office before I serve it to the council on a platter, understood?" He nodded quickly and tore off down the hallway, looking over his shoulder once before disappearing out of sight. As she watched him go her anger faded into a look I hated, a look I loathed to see on her face, directed towards him. Fondness. Adoration. Love.

She turned to me wordlessly and I remained immobile, paralyzed as she opened the door to my cell and slipped inside, closing it behind her. She walked towards me, rifling inside of her bag and pulling out a flashlight, shining it in each of my eyes in turn. "Any pain, nausea, dizziness?" I could only shake my head, unable to force any words out. "Good." She said, scribbling down something on her clipboard. "Any irregularity in your digestive system?" I shook my head. She wrote something on her clipboard, and pulled a tongue suppressor out of her bag. "Open your mouth."

I nearly gagged when she shoved the wood inside of my mouth and peered down my throat, before standing up straight and returning to her clipboard to record her findings once again. I hated this. I hated it when she treated me like I were any other patient, no matter how professional of her it was. I wasn't any other patient. I was... I was her... I was her...

Nothing. I wasn't her anything any longer.

I watched her, transfixed by the grace of her movements, by the way her perfect lips formed each word she wrote down, by the way she tucked strands of her hair behind her ear. How I would have loved to touch that hair. How I would have loved to kiss those lips... I pinched my eyes shut tightly, trying to clear my train of thought. Wrong. This was so... wrong. She was supposed to be the one swooning over me. She was supposed to be the one who directed her unrequited love towards me, and not the other way around.

How had I become so captivated by her? How had she grown to hate me so...?

I left. And she changed.

I was brought speeding back down to earth when she brushed my bangs back tenderly from my ear. Such a simple, meaningless action sent my mind spinning and my heart racing, caused my breath to catch in my throat. She stuck a thermometer in my ear. Completely professional. Completely void of any and all romantic intentions. And yet... It still managed to floor me.

"Hm..." She said, examining the thermometer. "You're a little warm." She pressed her palm against my forehead. I gulped. She was completely unaware that nothing but a touch from her could cause the feeling to wash away from the rest of my body, and then race back all at once. It burned and froze. It was as light as a feather, but weighed a thousand pounds. "Alright. Off with the shirt. I need to change the bandages."

It was an old wound that I had received from my fight with my older brother that had reopened when Naruto flung himself on top of me. I slipped my sleeves off from around my shoulders and freed my arms uncertainly. She made me feel unbelievably self conscious. I tried to hold my breath and stay as still as a statue as she unwound the the the bandage wrapped around my abdomen. It made the experience a little less unbearable when I wasn't panting like a tired dog and flinching at every brush of her dainty fingers. She was close. So very close that I could see her pale skin up close and take in the scent that came off it. Intoxicating.

She was done quickly and consumed by her notes once more. I waited for my erratic heartbeat to return to normal. "Alright, take these to bring your fever down." She instructed as she dropped a pair of while cylindrical pills into my upturned hand. She began shoving her tools back inside of the pouch strapped to her waist as she backed towards the door. "I'll be back tomorrow to check up on you." She said, followed by the click of the lock turning. She paused briefly and looked at me through the metal bars, her lips curling downwards and her eyes softening. "And Sasuke?"

"...What?"

"Get some sleep tonight. You look awful."

--

I woke up in a cold sweat, vivid images of the bloody corpses of loved ones still on the back of my eyelids. I was overcome with the overwhelming urge to kill, to kill him, to make him pay. Make him pay for what he's done to them, what he's done to me. I wanted revenge.

But I couldn't. I already had.

Then why was I left so unsatisfied?

I sat upright, still trembling with rage and grief, and stared into the blackness of the cell. Now that the lights had been turned off, there was nothing but the faint sound of dripping water and darkness. I was alone. I was cold. I had been abandoned by and torn from those I cared about the most in this world, and forsaken by the one thing I thought would bring me happiness.

No matter how hard I tried, no matter how desperately I grasped at something, it evaded me.

Happiness rejected me.

Was I truly fated to a life of misery?

I wanted to avenge the death of my family. And after I had wasted years and years and years of my life, it had brought me nothing but empty regret and a cell in the wing of Konoha jail reserved for only the most dangerous criminals.

I wanted to start my own family.

And I was forced to watch the woman I wished to start it with fawn over my best friend.