Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter Seven: Clarity

...

Kari had meant to wait for T.K. to return, but Blake texted her saying there was an emergency and he needed her to go to his place immediately. Blake lived away from the university in a house that he shared with a few other friends; as Kari turned into his neighbourhood, expecting the worst, she noticed an excess of cars lining the street.

"You made it!" Blake exclaimed when he answered the door. "Awesome, come in!"

"What's the emergency?" Kari asked, shouting over the music and the people.

"We have a ton of beer and it's getting warm, so we need everyone to drink it. If that isn't an emergency, I don't know what is!"

She sighed, feeling very put out by all of this. She wanted to talk to T.K. and offer him the apology that he deserved. She knew that she should leave and head back, but hesitated. It would take her over half an hour to get back to T.K.'s at this time of day, and her previous experience as his girlfriend had taught her that he would probably be more receptive if she let him cool off tonight and spoke with him in the morning. Besides, who was she to turn down free alcohol?

Blake led her into the kitchen and introduced her to his roommates. They exchanged knowing glances as one said, "Kari! Finally we meet you!" and pushed a shot of tequila into her confused hand.

She smiled and accepted the shot, not even wincing as it went down. Kari wasn't great at a lot of things, but she knew how to drink. When someone hurt as much as Kari did, they tried a lot of different methods to numb the pain; alcohol had always been her favourite one. And so she decided if she was going to spend the evening at a party with complete strangers, she was going to take full advantage of the open bar.

The room was spinning. Kari was blissfully, deliciously drunk. She was no stranger to inebriation but it had been a long time since drinking had made her feel like this. It was the kind of light, carefree, feel-good drunk that caused strangers to become temporary best friends, the kind that inspired people to get up and dance because every song that played was better than the last. Kari was weaving through a crowd of strangers, bobbing along to the music, and it was wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that when she spotted T.K., she did not even hesitate to approach him.

"Hey, you!" she said, bounding up beside him with a grin on her face. T.K. was not much of a drinker, and if the pink flush riding high on his cheeks was any indication, he was already several drinks deep. "What are you doing at Blake's party?!"

"This is Blake's party?" he asked, yelling a bit too loudly over the music. "I tagged along with some friends but now I have no idea where they are."

"Who did you come with?"

"What?"

"Who did you come with?"

"I can't hear you!"

"Do you want to find a quiet place?"

"Kar, I can't hear you! Let's go someplace quiet."

Kari giggled and let him lead her upstairs, taking in the slight sway of his step and the way he greeted every stranger he passed. It wasn't often that T.K. let loose, even a little bit, and usually she was too far gone herself to really observe him with any clarity. He gracelessly pushed open a door and upon turning on the lights, Kari realized they were in Blake's bedroom. She was about to suggest that they move to another location when T.K. flopped down on the bed and let out a big, contented sigh.

"I don't even remember the last time you drank," Kari said, unsure of how she wanted this conversation to play out.

"It's been a while," he told her. "I had a couple drinks at Matt's wedding but whoooo, nothing like this."

"That was a good night," she said, smiling fondly. It wasn't very often that all of their friends were in the same room like that, and the fact that it was a celebration had made it even more rare.

"We fucked that night, didn't we?" T.K. asked, sitting up with a great effort. She was stunned by his bluntness but did not blush. The memory sent a tingle down her spine. "We never talked about it after. But it happened."

"I wish I hadn't been so drunk for that part," she told him, moving to sit next to him on the bed. Maybe flirting a bit would help her segue into the conversation she really wanted to be having with him. "We used to be pretty good at it, from what I remember."

"Are you fucking Blake now?" Alcohol had clearly destroyed T.K.'s ability to filter his thoughts, and suddenly the conversation was taking a turn Kari had not anticipated. "I know it isn't my business," he said, seeing the look on her face, "but I've been wondering for a while now."

She shook her head. "No, there's nothing going on between us. Just friends."

"See, now what do I do with that?" he said, more to himself than to Kari. "You and I are 'just friends' too when really it's a hell of a lot more than that. Is it like that with him, too?"

"No," she said quickly. "I didn't mean it like that."

T.K. sighed. "On the one hand, I'm relieved to know you aren't with him. But on the other hand, if you were, at least I'd know who this one is. I always have to wonder who the guys are that you're dating. It fucking sucks, Kar."

Kari didn't know how to respond to this. She would be lying if she said she didn't know T.K. still had feelings for her, but she was shocked that he was talking about this so candidly. She wanted to push forward, to get everything out of this conversation that she could, but she felt conflicted. T.K. was clearly drunk, and she wasn't sure she wanted to take advantage of that. All she could do was be honest, and so she admitted: "There hasn't been anyone but you. Not… like that."

"Really?" he asked, and he seemed shocked. "I mean not that I thought you were… you know… getting around or anything… I just… Why not? Why no one else?"

Despite the slight slurring, T.K. was choosing his words very carefully and Kari wanted to do the same. After a moment, she said, "Nobody else has ever made me feel as safe as you do."

"I didn't know that," he told her. "I didn't know that you cared."

She thought he was baiting her at first, trying to get her to give up another secret, until she looked into his eyes. And then she realized that T.K. honestly, truly had not known that she cared about him. She thought of all the moments they had shared, all the vulnerabilities that she had shown to him and only him, and felt it had to have been obvious. Then she realized that this (like everything else) was her fault. For every sweet memory she could recall, there were at least ten where she had pulled away or lashed out, never realizing that she was dashing his hopes yet again.

"T.K.," she began, her heart pounding, "I've fucked up so many things. But I never wanted to hurt you. I'm a mess… and I thought I was saving you from the fall out. You put up with all of it, and I don't know how to make it up to you now."

"Friends don't keep score," he said softly, and somehow all was forgiven.

"But we're not just friends," she corrected him, reaching for his hand and lacing her fingers through his.

"Ugh, I hate that show! It's totally scripted. You can tell," Sora declared.

"Yeah, I stopped watching after the second season when…" Mimi began, but her train of thought disappeared halfway through her sentence. She tried to remember what she had intended to say but could not. What show were they talking about? Instead, she looked down at the chessboard and picked up one of the larger pieces, staring at it with confusion. "What the hell does this piece do? Why are we playing chess?"

Sora's brow furrowed. "How many drinks have you had?" she asked skeptically, gesturing to the chessboard.

Mimi looked down again and saw that it was not a chessboard at all, but rather a dinner plate. Glancing around, she realized that she and Sora were in their favourite restaurant. She felt her cheeks flush. How did they get here? And why had she thought they were playing chess? She could not understand why she felt so disoriented. Maybe she should slow down on the drinks.

"Wow," she said, shaking her head to clear it. "I have no idea what my brain is up to. Ignore me. Anyway, how's Tai?"

Sora shrugged her shoulders as she stuffed a piece of sushi into her mouth. "He's Tai. Yesterday, he ate an entire carton of ice cream and then was genuinely surprised when he had a stomach ache! I don't even know what to do with him anymore," she said, but her smile betrayed her tone. She shook her head and her grin widened. "I'm crazy about that boy, Meems. It's horrible. What about you? Enjoying your wedded bliss?"

Mimi took her time chewing as she wondered what to say. She knew that things with Matt had not been great lately, but she was unable to pinpoint why. The harder she tried to remember the details, the more vague they became. "We've been fighting a lot lately," she confessed. "I'm … starting to wonder if maybe we rushed into this whole marriage thing." The words shocked her as they left her mouth. She was not sure if she meant it, but if she did, Sora was the only person to whom she could ever imagine admitting this.

Sora put down her chopsticks and regarded Mimi with serious eyes. "You and Matt are great together. He's so good to you. Are you sure you aren't just freaking out?"

Mimi wasn't sure. She wanted so badly to talk to Sora about this, to analyze every fight and every bad feeling and get her trusted opinion, but in this moment she couldn't think of a single example. She did not know what had prompted her to express such doubts about Matt when she was not sure why – or even if – she was really having them in the first place.

An anxious tingling started at the base of her spine and spread throughout her body until she was overcome by its urgency. Mimi often felt like this when she was working toward a deadline, as if there was never going to be enough time to do all that she wanted to do. She did not understand where this feeling came from now as she and Sora enjoyed a slow, lazy dinner together. There was no need to rush; they had all the time in the world.

"You seem sad," Sora told her, resting her face in her hand. "That's not what I want for you."

"I'm so lonely, Sor," she admitted. Again, she did not understand where these words came from, but she was certain of their truth. "I feel like I have nobody to depend on and nothing to look forward to. Do you ever feel like that?"

"I did once," Sora said, slipping a pill into her mouth and chasing it with her wine. "The world can become a very empty place if you let it."

"Do you ever miss me?" Mimi asked. She didn't know what caused her to say that. She had just seen Sora the other day, hadn't she? But when she tried to remember when it had been, what they had done, she drew a blank…

"Of course I do. I always wonder what you're up to, how you're doing. But Tai and I are so busy together and I just can't ever seem to find the time to call you." That didn't make sense to Mimi either. What could she and Tai be so busy doing that it left Sora with absolutely no time to reach out to her? Weren't they supposed to be best friends?

"Well maybe you should make the time," Mimi snapped. "God knows I would love to call you, but I can't because I don't have your number." Why didn't she have Sora's number?

But Sora was too busy chewing to pay attention to Mimi's words. "Mmm, these are delicious. Try some," Sora said, reaching out her hand and offering Mimi some of the precious pills inside. "I can't get enough of them."

"I don't want any." Why couldn't she remember the last time she and Sora had gotten together like this? Had it really been that long ago? And what could she and Tai possibly be doing that occupied all of their time? Did they even go to her wedding? She couldn't seem to place them in any of her memories from that day.

"Suit yourself," Sora said, and she tossed the rest of the handful into her open mouth.

Mimi's eyes scanned the room and came to rest on a woman in a thick, elegant fur coat and silk opera gloves. Beside this woman sat a man with a wild moustache who was using a walking cane to point to something just over Mimi's shoulder. Unable to help herself, Mimi turned to follow his gaze and saw another man herding two giraffes through the back entrance of the restaurant. She frowned and turned back to Sora, feeling incredibly disconnected.

"Don't you feel even a tiny bit guilty?" asked Mimi. "Don't you miss me? Don't you care about me at all? I thought I was your best friend."

"Nope," Sora said plainly, "Tai's my best friend. That's why I picked him over you. I couldn't have you both, you know."

This was ridiculous. None of it made sense. Mimi could feel her body shaking, though she could not tell if it was due to anger or devastation.

"Why can't you have time for us both? Did Tai make you choose? Why would you pick him?!" Her volume increased with every word but she could not keep herself from making a scene.

People in the restaurant were beginning to stare but Sora was oblivious to all of this as she rummaged through her purse, pulling out one empty pill bottle after another. A grandfather clock began to signal a new hour; Mimi searched the room for it, counting out the ten chimes, and by the time she turned back, Sora had already begun to walk away from the table.

"Sora," she yelled, rushing after her. She was in no way prepared for their time together to end. She grasped the girl's arm and spun her around sharply. "We aren't done here."

"I don't have time for this," Sora said dismissively. "Tai's waiting."

"You can't just leave. We haven't settled this!" She felt so wildly out of control, so heartbroken. She did not understand any of it. Their casual dinner had escalated so quickly into something that Mimi could not comprehend. She was sobbing now, frantically tightening her grip on her friend and screaming, "How can you just forget about me like this? How can you leave? There's so much I still have to say to you! How can you leave? How can you leave me? How can you leave?"

She woke up then, Sora's name still on her lips.

Mimi knew that she often dreamt of Sora, but after waking she was rarely left with more than the hazy knowledge that her friend had been somehow involved. This time, Mimi remembered the dream and all of its feelings with perfect clarity, and for the first time in years, she was unable to keep her tears at bay. She buried her head in her hands and sobbed, because finally she understood.

It was a beautiful day, the first of its kind after a long, dreary winter. Matt had spent the day looking out the window of his office and watching as Odaiba came out of hibernation. Everything seemed to have turned green again overnight. Kids were outside riding bikes, birds were singing, and flowers were blooming. His first thought was of Mimi, of how they used to get ice cream and go for long walks on afternoons like this before meeting Tai and Sora at the park for a game of soccer. Sometimes, when he and Sora had exhausted themselves, they would lay on the grass and watch their significant others go head to head, laughing at how seriously they took any competition. He let himself lose time to the memories of all they had once been, not just as individuals but as a group – four best friends. It was then that Matt realized he had begun to lose those memories of Sora, replacing them instead with unhappy memories of Mimi and all the pain she suffered over the loss of her friend. But Sora had been Matt's friend, too, and a very important one. Through everything, he had begun to let himself forget that.

After he left work that day, he bought a bouquet of the brightest flowers in the shop and he went to see his old friend Sora.

As he approached Tai and Sora's gravestones, he made out a figure sitting in the grass in front of Tai's. His footsteps slowed, unsure of who this visitor was and afraid of interrupting a private moment. But then the person shifted, tossing her hair out of her face, and he recognized this small, feminine outline as his wife.

Mimi came to their graves regularly – sometimes too often – but it occurred to Matt that he had never before seen her sitting on Tai's side. He was unsure of what to do, but he had already bought the flowers, so he went over and cleared his throat to announce his presence.

She leaned backward and looked up at him, her eyes shining in a way he had almost forgotten they could. "Sit down," she told him, moving over slightly so he could join her in front of Tai.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his eyes frantically scanning her face for signs of a new breakdown.

"I came here because it occurred to me that I owe Tai quite the apology."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. I had this dream and… well, it made me realize that I haven't been very fair lately."

"You just realized that today?" he joked, and instantly regretted it. He hadn't been able to get away with a joke like that in a long time.

But to his surprise, Mimi laughed. "You're right. I guess I haven't felt strong enough to deal with it until today. When I looked outside and saw how everything had come back to life for the summer, I realized I wanted to do that, too. And my first step was coming here, to see Tai."

Matt felt a lump in his throat that he could not swallow back down. He had seen his wife go through dark periods before, but this had by far been the longest and most difficult one to endure. But this woman sitting beside him now was not the same person who had spent last Saturday in bed with the curtains drawn. This woman was… Mimi. She was back. He remembered her eyes.

"I figured I would build up to the big apologies, so I came here to start with Tai before I went back home to give you yours."

"Mine?" he asked, genuinely surprised. In his mind, Matt had always clearly separated Mimi from the monster that had taken her over; her depression, her anger was something he thought they were (albeit unsuccessfully) battling together. He had not felt as though she owed him an apology for this or anything else.

"I've had so much anger inside of me," she explained. "And I took it out on you, I took it out on myself, I even took it out on Tai. I took it out on anyone and anything I could because I couldn't deal with who I was really mad at." He raised his eyebrows, unsure of who she meant. "Sora, Matt. I've been so mad at her. Every time I do something new, every time something hilarious or horrible happens and my knee-jerk reaction is to call my best friend… I get so mad at her when I remember that I can't do that anymore. Life is so complicated and beautiful and full, and she gave it up. But how do you get mad at your best friend for killing herself? You can't."

"You can," he told her. "You're allowed to feel however you feel, whenever you feel it. You wouldn't be the first person to deal with grief through anger."

"And that's the thing," she said. "I didn't deal with my grief. I couldn't. Because I couldn't let myself have that moment of complete hatred for Sora and for what she did. I didn't think it was right, but now I'm starting to realize that there isn't an instruction manual for dealing with your best friend's teenage suicide. And honestly, after figuring that out, I already feel better. I feel changed."

"I'm glad," he said. "Is there anything I can do for you? To help?"

She smiled. "You can accept my apology. I pushed everything off onto other people – especially you. I couldn't deal with my own anger for Sora so I put it on Tai. I've been blaming him for all of this when, really, he wasn't around for any of it. Tai may have died the same night Sora did, but he left us way before then. I've let my confusion and the fact that I'm uncomfortable with my feelings change the way I think of Tai and change the way I remember him, and that's not okay. I couldn't let myself see your grief either, because in my head, Tai was the guy to blame. But that's sick and twisted and I'm so ashamed. I'm so sorry." Not once did she break eye contact as she spoke. The sincerity behind her words made him lose his breath. He had no idea where this new outlook on life had come from, and he had almost begun to give up on the idea that it would ever happen. But Mimi was strong and Mimi was brave, and she finally seemed to know that, too.

Matt shushed her gently, putting an arm around her and bringing her closer to his chest. "If there's anyone in the world who understands loving Sora as much as you do, it was Tai. So I think he forgives you."

"Can you forgive me?" she asked. "I've been horrible to you and I – I understand if you can't. You were so patient. You stayed with me through everything, waiting for me to work through all this stuff, and I'm afraid that it might've taken too long for me to get here." Her voice shook as she admitted, "I'm afraid you've already started giving up on me."

He grabbed her hand with his own, their wedding bands making a soft clink as they collided. "I will never give up on you, Mimi."

She smiled in happiness and relief, and finally her gaze fell away, coming to rest of the flowers Matt had brought. "What are those?" she asked.

He felt himself blush. Was this a weird thing to be caught doing? "They're for Sora. The weather got me thinking about all the things we used to do on days like this when we were younger and I… I don't know. I really missed her today."

Mimi offered him a reassuring smile. "You're a good man," she told him. "And as angry as I was at her, I'm not anymore. I understand everything now, because of you."

"Because of me?"

"Because of you. She was my best friend, but you're… you. You're not my other half, you're a part of me. I wouldn't want to live in a world without you, either."

Mimi had not spoken to Matt like that since they had been lovestruck teenagers. If Mimi had irrationally blamed Tai for taking Sora away, Matt had been guilty of something similar: he'd resented Sora for always making him feel like it would have been easier for Mimi to have lost him, instead. Hearing her tell him otherwise was something he had not realized he'd needed as badly as he clearly did.

She looked at him after a long, comfortable silence. "Oh! You're getting grass stains all over your dress pants. We should get home."

"No," he said, reaching to halt her attempt to stand. "I can buy new pants. This is exactly where I want to be."

Mimi and Matt sat in the grass for another hour, sharing memories of Tai and Sora and laughing until Mimi's stomach started to growl. Matt suggested they go out for a special dinner. They got in the car and drove two towns over to a restaurant they'd gone to all the time as teenagers, when gas meant nothing because they were borrowing their parents' cars. The building was changed, having undergone at least one renovation. Mimi remembered reading about a new owner taking over a few years beforehand. She felt a bit disappointed as they pulled into the parking spot. They had come here so often with their friends once upon a time, and she had kept it preserved in her mind, a perfect place that was frozen in time. Seeing it transformed into something completely different filled her with longing. Matt offered her a smile that told her he felt the same way.

When they walked in, one of the waitresses who had clearly survived the change in ownership gave them a double look before coming over. "Hey! I remember you two! Your friends are outside, they didn't mention you would be coming to join!" She grabbed two menus and motioned for them to follow her, which they did. They were led out to meet T.K. and Kari, who stood and greeted them with equal surprise.

"Hey! Sorry, are we interrupting a date?" Matt teased, and Mimi jabbed him playfully in the arm. Matt would carry a torch for T.K. and Kari forever.

"Actually," Kari said, her tight smile spreading into a full blown grin, "we are on a date. But we'd love for you to join us!"

"Yeah, sit down," T.K. said, pulling out a chair for Mimi. "We were just talking about how we all used to come here. Kar and I haven't been here in years. We had no idea you guys still came."

"We don't!" said Mimi. "I can't believe that waitress remembered us. The last time we came here was that time we all went out for… Oh, God, someone's birthday. I can't remember now. Was it Sora's?"

"It definitely was," Kari said. "Remember, she forbade Tai from making a big deal about it so naturally he rounded up all the employees to sing to her? She said she'd never come back!"

"I guess she never has to," Mimi said, but for the first time, it didn't feel like something to cry about. "Wow, look at that view."

"Tai always said when he proposed, it was going to be here. In front of the water," Matt said. Mimi had never heard this story before. Tai had planned to propose? It would've been a beautiful spot. She imagined how he would do it, and when. She imagined what Sora would say when she called her later – would she wait until she was home, or would she be overwhelmed with excitement and call Mimi from the car? What would the ring look like? And the ceremony? It was amazing to think that after all this time, there were still things she would never know about Tai and Sora. One of the hardest parts of losing them, at least for Mimi, was the knowledge that she would never get to make new memories with them. But this piece of information – this was something new. And it was a gift.

The four friends sat for hours, laughing at old memories and catching each other up on new details. After dinner, T.K. and Matt went inside to fight over the bill while Kari and Mimi took a walk by the water.

"You seem like you're doing well," Mimi said to Kari. She wasn't sure, given her own recent struggles, if it was something she should bring up with the younger girl. But between Tai being her brother and Matt being T.K.'s, Mimi had watched Kari grow up and had always tried to look out for her. As her relationship with T.K. got more serious, Mimi had often been the voice of reason, keeping Matt and Tai from killing each other. Somehow, Mimi felt even more protective of her now. Perhaps that was what happened when a family lost a key member – everyone rearranged themselves to pick up the extra slack.

"I felt really lost for a long time," Kari admitted, leaning against the railing and staring out at the sunset. Mimi was turned the other way, facing the restaurant but only seeing it as it had been so many years ago. "It's only now that I'm starting to feel like there's life after Tai and Sora. And like I don't have to feel guilty for wanting to live it."

Mimi understood, probably better than anybody, what Kari meant by this. She felt overwhelmingly grateful for their connection, for their unspoken understanding about all they had endured. She was still working on opening up to Matt, but this next question – this vulnerability – was something she was only ready to share with Kari. "Do you think they're together?" Mimi asked. She twisted Sora's ring around her finger, her favourite nervous tick, as she waited for Kari's reply.

"I do," said Kari. "Maybe because it's what I believe, or maybe it's because I can't handle thinking that they ended up any other way… but yeah. I do. Every time I close my eyes, they're together. And someday we'll get to be with them again, too."

Mimi made a thoughtful humming sound in the back of her throat. She quite liked that answer; it was exactly what she wanted to believe, too.

"You know what I think?" she said, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw the younger girl turn to look at her. "I think losing them was maybe the hardest thing you and I will ever have to go through. I think it's a pain we'll have to feel again and again, a million times a day, for the rest of our lives. But I think part of why it still hurts us so much is because we've let it."

Kari nodded solemnly, a strange look on her face. Mimi knew exactly how she felt; hearing this reality spoken out loud made everything feel differently.

She could see Matt and T.K. walking toward them now and was struck by how similar they looked from a distance. They were both good men who had been through quite a bit of pain themselves. They hadn't deserved the added burdens that she and Kari had placed on them, but their commitment to the girls had never waivered.

Mimi slid Sora's ring off her finger and examined it. It was beautiful, but then again, so was the ring Matt had given her. Suddenly, and with overwhelming clarity, she saw all of the things Matt did for her, all of the allowances he made for her inexcusably selfish behaviour. Everything that he did was out of devotion to her, his wife. And it was time she started returning that.

Looking around at where she was, she knew this was the perfect place. Here, it was not hard to imagine that Sora and Tai were around the corner sharing a private moment, or just up ahead, taking a walk alone along the beach. They were alive here forever in Mimi's memory, and the fact that she could have a place like this to come and remember her friend gave her the strength for what she did next.

She kissed Sora's ring, the stone cold against her lips. She turned toward the water, and with one fluid motion, she threw it as far as she could. She squinted against the setting sun, wanting to follow it for as long as possible, blinking only when she saw it hit the water's surface and disappear with a tiny ripple into its final resting spot. I won't hate you for dying, she bartered silently, if you don't hate me for living.

"You know what else I think, Kar?" she said, turning back to her friend. She felt able to breathe in a different way now.

"What's that?" Kari asked, tearing her eyes away from the spot where Sora's ring had disappeared to look at Mimi again. But Mimi's gaze bypassed hers and went toward Matt and T.K., and eventually Kari's was able to do the same.

"I think we're going to be alright."

Thank you for reading.