Letting Go by Lukie15
Warnings: Slash, character death
It was summer and everyone had gathered at Grimmauld Place. They had just finished dinner and were gathered in the living room.
Ron and Hermione cuddled in an armchair, Harry and Ginny on the love seat. Bill and Fleur on the opposite sofa. Everyone was coupled up.
Except Remus.
Sirius wasn't there for Remus. Sirius was gone. Sirius was dead.
Remus sat in front of the fire on the large stuffed armchair that he and Sirius would have been sitting on if life weren't so unfair and cruel. He stared into the fire with unseeing eyes; he was shuddering as he tried to keep the tears back.
Remus stood up and he strode out.
Molly sighed sadly. 'The poor dear.'
'What?' Fred said.
'Remus. This must be so awful for him. To be surrounded by couples in the house of his deceased lover.' Molly said.
'He left because he doesn't want us to see him break down.' Hermione whispered.
Remus took the stairs slowly and he opened the door to Sirius' bedroom. He closed the door softly.
Remus had furiously protected Sirius' room after he died. The bed was still unmade, the clothes still strewn about the floor. After the funeral Molly had tried to clean up in his room but Remus, for the first time, screamed in anger at her.
He could still hear his screams echoing as Molly dropped the blue t-shirt and black jeans she'd picked up. No! Leave it alone! Get out! Get out!
Remus was the only one who ever set foot in the room again. He slept in it every time he was at Grimmauld Place.
Remus stared at the wall where the pictures of the Marauders hung. His favorite picture was still there; it was the last photo of him and Sirius together. They had their arms around each other as they smiled for the camera.
Remus turned to the wardrobe and he took out his favorite shirt of Sirius'. It was a black silk long-sleeved button-down shirt with a collar. It had it him so nicely and Remus loved to feel the silk against his skin.
Remus held the shirt up to his face and he breathed in. Sirius' scent filled him and the tears just started flowing. He collapsed onto the floor and sobbed.
Everyone in the living room heard the thud of Remus collapsing. His howl-like moans of pain and anguish could be heard faintly.
Harry clenched his fists tightly. 'He shouldn't have to feel this. It . . . it just hurts so much, and the pain never leaves, it only fades after a while.'
Ginny hugged him. 'Did it fade for you?'
Harry nodded. Hermione said. 'But for Remus . . . he was in love with Sirius and now he's alone. I don't think the pain ever has or will fade for him.'
Remus crawled into Sirius' bed and he hugged as much of Sirius' pillows and duvet as he could, as if he were holding on for dear life.
Or maybe he was holding onto his sanity because he was so close to just losing it he could hardly stand it.
He wanted to let go, he wanted to die and be rid of the pain. He wanted to see his Sirius again.
Remus eventually stopped crying. He had no strength left to cry. He returned the shirt to the wardrobe and he left the room.
Remus returned to the living room, he smile softly at everyone. They were shocked, he looked so . . . exhausted.
'Remus . . .' Molly started.
Remus held a finger to his lips in a hushing motion and he sat down. 'I'm fine Molly. I'm just tired.'
'Remus, crying in Sirius' room is not being tired.' Arthur said.
'Remus, you're frightening us. Every time we come here you disappear to cry in his room. Can't you see that you're hurting yourself?' Molly said.
Remus flinched. 'I can't just forget him. I was in love with him. I still am. I feel like I'm breaking.'
'Remembering is fine but constantly grieving isn't healthy!' Hermione cried.
'I'm sorry for what I'm about to say but until you lose the one person you always could depend on, the one person you loved more than anything, the one person who was all you ever wanted in life . . . until you lose that person you'll never understand why I'm like this, why I can't let go.' Remus' voice broke.
Harry said. 'He's right. When you experience death it does something to you. It rips you apart inside and you try so hard to make others understand but they can't.'
Remus stood up. 'I don't want to completely ruin your evening. I'm going to bed.' He left and slipped into Sirius' bed. He made his decision.
The next morning Molly went to wake him up. They could hear the shriek and everyone raced up the stairs.
Remus was in Sirius' bed. His eyes closed but he was cold. So very cold.
Arthur picked up the note on the bedside table.
To everyone,
I'm afraid our chat last night made up my mind for me. I've been thinking of suicide for so long but I always thought it was the cowardly way out.
It is not cowardly to want to escape pain so terrible that you want to die. I just took the final step.
I am sorry but I believe that you will all learn to accept my decision as it is the most important decision I've ever made . . . second most important; the first was agreeing to date Sirius.
Please believe that this is what I wanted so desperately ever since Sirius died. I will be happy at last. I will die with a smile on my face.
I am sorry to Harry most especially because I will be the third person he's ever been close to who has died.
Happy holidays everyone.
Love,
Remus
They all looked over at the still body of Remus J. Lupin and indeed a soft gentle smile played about his lips.