And. Oh. My. God. I. LIVE. For those of you unaware, I am The-LoneWolf-Tempest with a newly changed pen-name (more people know me as Marine-Depths13 than T-LW-T), so, if I know you: Hi! Long time no see/read! If I don't, then: Welcome to my chaos. Enjoy your stay!
Anywho!
These are the first 100 (or so) rules of Naruto. Yes, the first, meaning there'll be more. Lots more. I actually have hit my 300 mark, but I haven't typed them all up. Anyways, the chapters will come by the 100 mark (or close/around it) so the chapters may have large time gaps in between them. But it's not like it's a story and it'll be all suspenseful and pain-staking until you read the next part, so, yeah. Enjoy the rules, mes amis, and... Oh yeah!
Any questions regarding the rules (such as ones you don't understand), ask me. I'll be glad to clarify them for you.
With that said, I can now introduce you to my two assissants who "offered" to help me: Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke!
Sasuke: -walks in, scowling, with Naruto following- I'm thrilled to be here. Really... -dripping with sarcasm-
Naruto: -grins- Well I really am thrilled to be here! Even if we were drafted by getting drawn out of a magician's hat!
M-D13: Sure. Anyways... These two will be doing my disclaimers and warnings and all that fun stuff from time to time. So, get used to them, even if you hate them. Every now and then we might bring in new assisstants, because these two ... well, at least the emo ... will get annoyed if I keep 'em for too long. So, probably at the 300 or 400 mark we'll bring in new ones. Until then...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Naruto. Actually, I don't own a lot of things. And some of the rules I don't even own, considering some my friends helped me think up. You know who you are (thanks guys!). And any and all references made to other characters not included within in the Naruto series are copyrighted their appropriate owners.
Again, with that said... Have fun, laugh, and go ahead and read while destroying your brain cells :3
• Do not call Naruto "Foxy", ever— whether you mean it as a term of affection, or whether you really are implying he's "hot". Whichever it is, just don't.
• Do not call Gaara a "giant teddy bear." He will kill you.
• Do not call Sasuke a "chicken-assed haired freak." He will also kill you.
• Sasuke, until further notice, is straight. Simply because he and Naruto kissed, constantly save each others lives, one of them can turn into a girl (perhaps the other can as well, but those details are not yet disclosed…) AND make multiple flesh-and-blood copies of himself, DOES NOT mean Sasuke and Naruto are together… yet.
• No, Gaara does NOT want an "eyebrow transplant" from Rock Lee.
• … In addition, Rock Lee will not give up his eyebrows, even if it's to help "Gaara-kun."
• Lee DID NOT steal Gaara or Zabuza's eyebrows. Said two villains were simply born without them. Or perhaps they shave them off. Who knows.
• No, Kankuro chose to wear that make-up.
• … and he did not steal it from Temari or Gaara.
• Contrary to popular belief, Orochimaru is NOT Michael Jackson, even though they have very many striking resemblances to each other and both like little boys.
• Sakura is not to be confused with Professor Dolores Umbridge from "Harry Potter" even though they both seem to have a pink obsession.
• … nor is she to be confused with Mao Wong (Mariah in the dub) from Beyblade, though the pink hair and ribbon can be deceiving.
• Behind Kakashi's mask is… another mask. So get over it. Stop pestering him.
• … but if you must know, Ayame (the ramen-shop girl) happened to see it— ask her. She'll most likely say he is the "weapon of mass seduction."
• I will not ask Kakashi what is behind his other mask's mask. More than likely… it's another mask.
• Team 7 is also known as the "people off those skittles commercials—so taste the rainbow…" You'll note they are all very colourful ninjas.
• … as well, Team 7 is also known as the "rainbow sprites" of Konoha.
• Yes, Kakashi DOES lead his "7 whole grains" team on missions (Ya know… Kashi foods? Team 7?).
• Do not attempt to give Kiba dog-food. He'll bite you.
• … and Akamaru will steal it.
• NEVER eat the last potato chip, lest you want to be mauled over by Chouji.
• … nor should you eat the last potato chip in front of Chouji just to torture him. It's not nice.
• Yes, Zabuza DOES have an identity crisis issues (Eyebrows in the anime, none in the manga… what a tool.)
• … as does Sakura. (And Inner Sakura. CHA!!!)
• Ino should be mute.
• … or gagged and locked in a box.
• Sasuke's emo. Get over yourselves.
• Gaara is also emo. Get over yourselves more.
• Just because Team 7 is in all bright colours does NOT mean they are moving targets.
• … nor does it give you the right to hit them all upside the head and scream: "NINJAS ARE SUPPOSED TO BLEND IN YOU STUPID MISFITS!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?"
• Don't walk up to Sasuke and tell him he's just received a call from Chicken Little saying that "he wants his ass back." It's mean, rude… and we'll pay you to do it. Really.
• We don't know why Kankuro's hood's "ears" move like actual cat ears. Furthermore, it is not a good idea to ask said boy.
• Raise your hand if you honestly think you should ever ask Gaara, Lee, or Kankuro for make-up tips.
• Otogakure is not to be called "the emo farm" simply because it raises little emo minions.
• … and the Takigakure is not a water park.
• Any puns revolving around "dancing/singing in the rain" in the Amegakure is just stupid.
• … as are any puns about the Iwagakure "rocking your stockings" or "rocking" in generally.
• Iwagakure is not a rock garden.
• … and Sunagakure is not a sand garden.
• Do not take a giant electric fan to the Kirigakure and attempt to blow away the fog. You'll end up blowing away all the villagers instead.
• Haku is male.
• … and he is also Zabuza's bitch.
• Spraying Shino with insect repellant is not something that one would normally consider a good idea. After he's done screaming in pain, he'll kill you.
• Giving Jiraiya a large toad (or frog) for his birthday and saying you've found his long-lost brother is just stupid.
• …and doing the same to Tsunade (but with a slug instead) is just mean. And likely to get you killed.
• Yes, Sasuke does have a wide range of facial expressions even though he's supposedly an "emotionless emo bitch."
• Unless you want to lose your sanity, stay away from Gai.
• Unless you want to lose your virginity, stay away from Jiraiya.
• Challenge Gai to a match of "rock, paper, scissors", and win, and you'll never hear the end of it.
• Walking around with a turtleneck over your face and a headband or cloth over your eye and telling people you're Kakashi is just stupid.
• … as is replacing Kakashi's book with a small dictionary. He's likely to throw it at your head as you're walking down the street.
• Hinata is plotting your imminent doom.
• Kakashi is late because he got lost on the path of life. Kakashi is NOT late because he got "lost" on the "path of life."
• Yes, the pairing Shino x Ino DOES shorten to ShIno.
• … but however humorous that may be, raise your hand if you honestly think it's a good idea to pair them together in the first place.
• Sasuke's newly developed (or at least fully developed) sharingon is his new toy. But that doesn't mean he's careful with it.
• Sakura is not to be confused with Amy Rose the Hedgehog.
• Sasuke is to not be confused with Sonic.
• … and before anyone asks, Naruto is not Tails.
• I will not ask Shikamaru what he does on clear-skied or extremely cloudy days.
• I will not offer Shikamaru protective eyewear (EX: sunglasses).
• … and if I do, I will not steal them from any of the Aburame clan's members.
• I will not call the ninjas "fruit" based on their primary colours. So, Ino is not a plum, Sakura is not a cherry, and Sasuke is not a blueberry.
• … and Naruto is not an orange.
• The last thing Sasuke needs is another fan-girls. Leave the emo child be.
• Never, never, ever ask Jiraiya for writing tips. You'll be shocked when he wants to show you his "writing tips" instead.
• Don't steal Itachi's (or any other Akatsuki members') nail polish.
• … and if you do, I hope you can run. Fast.
• Humming the "Jaws" theme while following Kisame around is only funny until he acts upon the song— you being that poor, unsuspecting swimmer.
• Though we are all aware Sasuke has a superiority complex, there is no need to tell said chicken.
• … nor is there a need to tell Neji that he has a superiority complex.
• Shikamaru is not a pineapple simply because his head has the shape of said fruit.
• … nor is Shikamaru, in any way, Vegeta.
• Yes, Naruto does actually style his hair every morning.
• Sasuke likes to incinerate things. Fan-girls should especially keep this in mind.
• Lee's sensei's name is Maito Gai. NOT "Mighty Gay."
• Insult TenTen and she's likely to stab you to death.
• Never ask Haku for acupuncture tips.
• Yes, Kakashi is aware it's not Halloween.
• … as is Tobi.
• Sakura is a schizophrenic bi-polar freak.
• … as is Hinata when all backs are turned… and Kakashi is a pancake chef.
• Orochimaru is a giant, mutant snake transvestite. Keep your distance.
• … however if you choose to mess with him, you'll either A: be walking home with a new "tattoo" or B: die.
• No, Jiraiya DOES NOT have a long, sticky tongue (though god knows he'd consider it a good thing).
• … and Tsunade does not leave a sticky, slimy trail as she walks.
• None of the ninjas' names have "-mon" at the end, nor do they have any pokémon reference to them whatsoever. So don't throw a pokéball at them in an attempt to capture them due to their "special attacks." They're likely to kill you.
• I will not confuse Shino with Bo-bo-bo simply because they both have an Afro and sunglasses.
• … and Sakura is not to be confused with Beauty, nor Naruto with Poppa Rocks.
• Simply because they both want their "jars of dirt" does NOT mean Gaara and Jack Sparrow have any relation.
• No, Sarutobi is NOT "that man off the Monopoly box", so don't ask him for any pink 50's (you cheating whore!).
• Gaara is not "that dude Gerard-something-er-other in the Black Parade" just because they have the same amount of eyeliner on.
• Gai is a pedophile.
• Jiraiya is also a pedophile.
• … and neither of those two are afraid to show it.
• No, Shino does NOT have "spider senses."
• Though Naruto may look like a moving target with the bulls-eye on his back, one should not use him for target practice.
• … and if you do, I hope to god you miss.
• Jiraiya is NOT to be confused with "the frog prince."
• … and Tsunade is not his princess.
• Abiding to these rules will most likely allow you to live in the Naruto Realm without death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. Choosing to ignore any of the above rules will most likely result in … well, death, injury, or other terrible obscenities. We strongly recommend you follow and abide to these rules and … well, just don't piss anyone off and you're good to go.
Hey, lookit that, you made it through all 100 (or so)! Good job, reader, I applaud you. -clap clap- Anywho, the last rule (the "abiding to these rules..."etc thing) is going to be in every chapter, so get comfortable with it. However, if it bothers you, just skip over it. You know it's gonna be there. Anyways:
R&R please. Any flaming regarding the rules will either be ignored, used to heat my home and/or given to Sasuke for his fire-related needs.
Sasuke: Tch!M-D13: -mutters: stick up the ass!- ... -looks at reader and grins, saying louder- Anyways! Thanks you for reading!