Yes, this story will have some cliches. I tried to make it as realistic as possible, despite the fact that...well DMHG isn't realistic. Please R &R! Thanks. I own nothing but the plot and the weak attempts at humor...

Chapter 1: First Day of School

Hermione Granger was happy.

The warm autumn sun shone down on her face, and she crinkled her eyes, looking for Ron and Harry. They had run off to say hi to Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom. The three had spent the second half of their summer at the Burrow yet again, much to the dissatisfaction of Hermione's parents ("We almost never see you anymore, dear!") and opposite feelings of Mrs. Weasley.

She was also pleased since Ron had stepped up his game, if it can be called that. He often put his arm casually around her shoulders, or complimented her spells when necessary. She just wished he would ask her out already and make it official. The flirting, the looks, the casual touching...it was all building up to it, she could feel it.

"Are you ready?" Harry asked. She didn't even notice him coming back.

"Oh, yeah...I have a short meeting with the Head Boy...um, could you tell Ron?" said Hermione.

She had avoided mentioning this fact so she wouldn't hurt Ron's feelings. Ron was being extremely moody and he had sulked for three days straight when he didn't find a Head Boy badge in his own envelope.

"Oh," muttered Harry. "I'll go tell him then."

The two climbed the steps into the steaming Hogwarts Express. Hermione turned to the front of the train, while Harry started towards the back.

"Don't worry, I'll go find you guys as soon as the meeting's over," she promised, calling over her back.

"Okay!" he called back.

As Hermione walked towards the Heads' compartment, she briefly wondered who Head Boy was. Honestly, she wasn't surprised that Ron wasn't Head Boy; he had been about as helpful as Malfoy as a prefect. It was probably Ernie Macmillan. He was intelligent enough, hardworking, and dependable.

The Heads' compartment was about twice as long as a normal one, with an ornate door that donned the "H" for Heads, exactly like the one on her badge. She traced the metal letter, touching the smooth grooves and animal carvings, feeling a special kinship already. Her fingers extended to the handle of the compartment door and she confidently pulled back...and came face to face with...Draco Malfoy?

"Malfoy?!" she cried incredulously. How was this even possible? It must be a trick, a prank - the only way Malfoy could be Head Boy was if he killed every other male in Hogwarts. First years and teachers included. Maybe even Snape. She purposefully ignored the badge on his sweater that was identical to the one she was wearing.

"What the FUCK are you doing here?" she whispered icily. Saying the curse word was strangely euphoric. The sight of his stupid ferret face made her blood pressure rise spontaneously.

"Oh god, I hoped it wasn't the Mudblood," sneered Malfoy. "I think you should watch that little mouth of yours. You're already dirtying my air enough without your swearing."

"I said...what the fucking FUCK are you fucking doing here!" screamed Hermione. She didn't care who heard her, but the idea of Malfoy being Head Boy simply ruined her plan of the perfect seventh year, her year to shine. About a third of her plan to be exact, the Head Girl part, all crushed by a certain bastard blonde.

"For your information, I'm Head Boy, and I'd appreciate some resss...pect," he said in his drawling voice, clearly mocking her with his request. "I suppose it's too bad that Pothead and Weas – "

SMACK! The shock and fear in those pale eyes gave Hermione a maniacal desire to laugh. Six years of Malfoy's bullying, yet only twice her fist met his stupid face; definitely not enough. She pulled back her hand for another hit, the feeling of power cursing through her veins...stupid, bloody Malfoy...stupid git...

"Miss Granger!"

A chill went down Hermione's spine. She snapped her head toward the door to see Professor McGonagall clutching the frame with her mouth hanging open with shock and her eyes bulging like a frog.

"Was that you swearing? And...Merlin's beard, what are you doing to Malfoy?" gasped Professor McGonagall. "I would have expected better of you two, being Head Girl and Boy!"

Hermione let go of Malfoy like she was scalded. He collapsed onto his seat and moaned continuously about his self-proclaimed disfigured nose. "Professor! How is MALFOY, out of all the...? Why him?!" she demanded and she noticed that she was squeaking with hysteria. Clearing her throat, she said again, "I just don't understand...surely...anyone...Ron! Ernie! Even Pansy Parkinson would make a better Head Boy!"

Surprisingly, McGonagall scowled and joined Hermione in glaring at Malfoy, both thinking the same thing: bribes.

"I don't know either, Miss Granger. His record hasn't exactly been clean – several harassment reports, skipping prefect duties, abuse of power and all – but...Professor Dumbledore seems to believe he is suitable. I personally recommended Weasley." She gave a sidelong glance at Malfoy, who was still mumbling incoherently and rubbing his face.

McGonagall faced Hermione again, her expression scornful."Anyways, congratulations to you both for being Heads. As you know, your position in the student body is equal to a teacher. You can give detentions and other punishments, for legitimate reasons," (glare at Malfoy) "and you have a special Heads' bathroom, common room, dormitories, and study room. You may use these facilities or you can remain in your respective house common area, whichever is your preference. Now, when I leave, you will go to the prefects' carriage and give them a nice little speech. When you arrive at Hogwarts you will help the prefects supervise students going to the castle. Any other information should be in your letter."

She adjusted her hat, then promptly Disapparated.

By then, Malfoy had finished whining and sat with his limbs sprawled over the velvet cushions. Hermione noticed that a bruise started forming under his right eye, next to his nose.

"Well, Granger, let's get this over with. I, unlike you, have friends who think I am worth waiting for," he said with a nasty smirk. Hermione ignored him and marched down the hallway to the prefects' carriage.

Still furious, she wrenched open the door and stomped into the crowded room, purposely not noticing the frightened looks given to her. She avoided Ron's eyes altogether, knowing how he would react to being passed over for Malfoy, of all people.

"Good morning, everyone! Um...congratulations to the fifth years...and welcome back, sixth and seventh years...er..." She racked her brains for what the Heads had spoken about last year. Her breathing was a bit ragged from marching so fast, and it did not help.

A few moments later, Malfoy swaggered in behind her, glaring at the fifth and sixth years as some sort of twisted greeting. He stood next to Hermione – silent, smug, and utterly unhelpful. Hermione managed to bumble through her speech, speaking about organizing the debarkation, common room passwords, and other responsibilities while she continued to feel a surmounting frustration towards Malfoy.

She peeked at Ron once, to see him gaping at Malfoy with stunned and angry expression, with his jaw slightly dropped. She couldn't blame him.

As soon as she was done, she gritted her teeth and left the compartment to go find Harry's compartment, leaving Malfoy where he was. Harry, Neville, Ginny, and Luna were appropriately shocked at the news of Head Boy. Ron walked in a few moments later, looking absolutely livid.

"First Malfoy's a prefect, now he's Head Boy. Next he'll be Minister of Magic! I can guess who he'd put in Azkaban first..." Ginny said darkly.

"I could would've been a better Head Boy!" Ron complained loudly. He put his arm around Hermione's shoulder. "If that ass does anything to you, Hermione, I'll personally curse his dick – "

"Okay!" Hermione said, blushing. "I think we get the point!"

In a significantly better mood, Hermione spent the rest of the train ride reading The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7, which had become a huge 700-page book, compared to the flimsy first one. Ron, Harry, and Ginny discussed Quidditch the entire time, while Neville and Luna took naps. The Hogwarts Express debarkation went smoothly, with no sign of Malfoy thankfully.

Hermione felt calm and happy doing what she did best, leading and organizing and planning and using her brain...perhaps it would still be a wonderful year after all. Her two other goals for her seventh year looked positive; Ron was being bolder and she wasn't worried about N.E.W.T.s anyway. Besides, Malfoy couldn't do much under the close scrutiny of teachers.

Students poured through the oak front doors and settled themselves at their House tables. Hagrid later came in with the a line of first years behind him; it looked oddly like a mother duck and her ducklings. Sorting was slow, but Hermione clapped when needed. Finally, Dumbledore stood up to begin his usual speech. He looked as insane as ever, with his crooked nose and half-moon glasses. Beaming at the students, he threw out his arms in welcome.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts! I hope you all had wonderful summer full of fun and giddiness, and empty of books! I want to introduce your new Heads, Hermione Granger..."

There was a huge roar from the Gryffindor table, with scattered applause from the other Houses. Dumbledore grinned at Hermione proudly. She felt hands pat her back, and she couldn't help but puff out chest like Percy Weasley did.

"And Draco Malfoy."

The Gryffindors screamed and booed, but their complaints were drowned out by the cheers from the Slytherin table. Hermione pinched her face in disgust at the sight of Malfoy whooping and encouraging his table, and the shrill voice of Pansy Parkinson ("I LOVE YOU, DRACO!").

The following feast went peacefully though. Harry and Ron exchanged perverted jokes and put two whole roasted Cornish hens in sexual positions, both of which received much eye-rolling from Hermione and laughs from the other Gryffindors. The two did this at every feast since the beginning of fifth year, and it got worse every time.

You're so cool, Hermione thought sarcastically as Ron stuffed a wing into the other hen's arse hole.

The rich food made her feel sleepy and slow, and reluctant to finish her Heads duties. She sighed when the last plate of pudding disappeared, and she watched Ron and Harry trudge toward the grand staircase, while first years clustered around the east end of the Great Hall, unsure and fidgety. Malfoy was still at the Slytherin table talking with Crabbe and Goyle, and they were laughing stupidly.

Hermione finally stood up and approached the first years, beamed, and said, "Welcome to Hogwarts!" They seemed relieved that she was friendly.

She then turned around and screeched, "Oi! MALFOY! Get your stupid ass - HERE!"

Visibly scowling, Malfoy told Crabbe and Goyle something, got up from his bench, and walked toward the group of nervous first years. Every muscle on his face displayed his annoyance.

"As I said, Granger, I won't accept your foul language."

Hermione muttered "I'll show you foul..." and turned to the group of eleven-year-olds. "Your Head Boy here will show the Slytherins and Ravenclaws where your common rooms are. Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs will come with me." She gave Malfoy a smirk comparable to his own.

Malfoy sneered at the students and whipped around suddenly, walking towards the staircase.

No one followed.

"What are you waiting for?!" he said loudly. They jumped and scampered after him.

"Hey, Slytherins FIRST! You, Ravenclaw kid, stand there! I'll come back for you other lot in a moment!" he snapped. The Slytherin first years hesistantly trailed behind a grumbling Malfoy toward the dungeons, while the terrified Ravenclaws stood rooted to their spot. Hermione made a mental note to slap Malfoy the next time she saw him.

After she was done with showing the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors their common rooms, Hermione dragged herself into her dorm and fell face-first on her bed, fully dressed. She was strangely exhausted. She briefly noticed that Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were missing, but their trunks were already open.

Probably fucking some poor blokes…Hermione thought as she drifted to sleep.