Chapter Two
Health Examination
Keigo skipped over to Ichigo, paws clasped over sandwiches, singing, "Ichi--go-! We should go eat lunch!"
"Sure," Ichigo said. "Let's hurry before—"
There was a BANG! as the door flew open. Stopping halfway through their chatter, everyone turned to see the figure standing at the doorway. A blurred green object shot forward, squealing, "ICHIGO-!!"
It rammed into Ichigo's stomach, knocking the air (and some spit) out of him.
Keigo screamed in horror, fingers clawing his face. "Ichigo's on top of a girl!"
"Idiot, I'm UNDER one!" Ichigo yelled. He squirmed from underneath. "Uh, Nel-sempai, could you..."
Nel threw back her long, green hair (swatting Keigo in the face) and threw her arms around Ichigo's head, burying him into her chest. "I missed you, Ichigo! I missed you so much!" She raised his head with both hands, smiling into his face. "Let's have lunch together."
Mizuiro tapped Ichigo on the shoulder. "Nel-sempai seems to have a soft heart for you."
"Why?!" Keigo blared out. "Why would the goddess of the third years (and breasts) have a thing for this grouch-face?"
"Because I have fun with Ichigo," Nel said.
Keigo's face turned mushy and he held out both hands (suspiciously). "You can have fun with me, Nel-semp—"
Nel punched him in the face.
Mizuiro tapped on Ichigo's shoulder once more. "If you don't like Nel-sempai, can I go after her?" he said.
Ichigo stared at him. "Nel-sempai isn't that much older than you," he said. "Technically."
After shaking Nel off ("I'll see you on the roof later, Ichigo!"), Keigo & co. climbed up to the roof, Ichigo seeking quiet, Keigo seeking his "friends-get-together" time, and Mizuiro seeking...something.
Unfortunately, they didn't get any of that when they reached the roof.
Rather than being empty, the roof was jam-packed with the weirdest assortment of people. In the center of the roof was a badminton match between the baldy Ikkaku, who had a racket in one hand and a wooden sword in the other, and a tiny girl with short pink hair, who bounced through the air like a superball, squealing, "Wheeeeeeee!"
Ikkaku served. But by "serve," he threw the birdie in the air and then smashed it to the other end so hard, feathers exploded when his racket connected. Poor naked birdie was then smacked back by the pink haired girl who, giggling, returned it with the same force.
Ikkaku skidded across the ground to hit the birdie high into the air. Yachiru jumped to smash and cried triumphantly, "I win, Ikka-chan!" when the sunlight reflected off Ikkaku's shiny head and rebounded straight into Yachiru's eyes.
Yachiru fell the ground, screaming. She writhed on the ground, her hands clamped over her eyes. "Ken-chan! I'm blind! Blinded by Ikka's Bald Head! Ken-chan!"
"Shut up!" Ikkaku yelled, turning beet-red. "Admit that you lost like a man! And I'm not bald!"
Yamichika was standing at the side, half-watching the match, half-watching himself in his handy mirror.
Aside from the badminton match (which was more like a war zone), there was someone sitting at the edge of the roof, reading a book. It was Ulquiorra, who was reading a new book—The Art of War—as he sipped on his soymilk. He placed down the milk carton, his only lunch, to mark the page.
Keigo shivered when he saw Ulquiorra but goosebumps began to crawl all over his body (he wiggled), when he felt an ominous aura from the other end of the roof.
Glowering at them, cold eyes focusing on Ichigo, was Grimmjaw, squatting with his arms hanging over his legs (the delinquent pose). He had a piece of beef jerky hanging from his mouth and when he began to chew on it, the most bone-chilling grinding followed.
Keigo shoved Ichigo to Grimmjaw, saying, "He's all yours, Grimmjaw-sama."
"Keigo, you—" Ichigo started but he stopped to swipe something that flew straight at him.
It was the half-eaten beef jerky. Grimmjaw spat on the ground. "You're late," he said to Ichigo.
Ichigo sighed. "Let's move this somewhere else," he said.
Grimmjaw grinned. "Why? I like it here." He drew a sword and beckoned at Ichigo. "Come on. What are you waiting for?"
Where in the world did that sword come from? Keigo gaped. "Oy, Mizuiro, you think this is getting a bit dangero—" Keigo started, turning around.
Mizuiro had already disappeared.
"Are you guys having a fight?" Ikkaku said, holding a broken racket. "I'll join." He threw the racket over his shoulder.
Keigo blinked. Rubbed his eyes. He wondered how the wooden sword in Ikkaku's hand had turned into a real sword.
"Back off!" Grimmjaw spat. "I have no reason to fight with you." He didn't even swing his sword but Keigo felt the wind blow in his face.
"Me too! Me too!" Yachiru squealed. "Count me in too!"
Keigo watched the strange fight beginning to brew. This must be a dream, he tried to convince himself. A very bad dream. Wake up, Keigo! Wake up! Wake up! Or at least dream of these freaks turning into pretty girls with--
When a burst of energy came flying his way, slicing his cheek and reducing the wall behind him to rubble, the following equation lodged into his mind: pain equals not a dream equals RUN!
Keigo was prepared to run when he heard a crinkle.
At the other end of the roof, Ulquiorra had a soymilk carton scrunched up in his fist. Apparently, the last attack had punctured a hole into the carton. Soymilk squirted out of the hole, spraying him in the face.
Ulquiorra lowered his book. The look in his green eyes was something that was worth mosaic-ing (rated R). He raised a finger, whispering one word,
"Cero."
There was an explosion.
Keigo managed to survive.
After all, he had a very important mission ahead of him.
A mission that he would sacrifice his life for. A mission that meant all the heavens. After lunch, it was the Health Examination. The prime opportunity to spy on girls changing as they measured their scrumptious bodies.
So Keigo was on this mission. He crawled across the ground, military-style, his goal, the doctor's office, only a few meters ahead of him. As long as he didn't get caught by Dr. Unohana (the most caring and gentle-spoken woman who would do nothing more than chide Keigo anyway), everything would go perfectly. Except...
Right next to Keigo, crawling with him, was a grown man wearing a straw hat and a haori patterned with pink flowers. It was Kyoraku-sensei, who had a pair of cherry blossom branches to conceal himself.
There could have been nothing more conspicuous than this.
"Kyoraku-sensei!" a girl called out. "You're supposed to be teaching class!"
Kyoraku-sensei stood up. "Fufufufu...Lovely ladies, I came here to gather cute girls such as yourselves to teach...(drumroll, Nanao-chan!)...Drinking Class!"
No such class exists! thought Keigo.
Dr. Unohana poked her head out of the doctor's office, a smile on her face. "Kyoraku-sensei, you are disturbing the examination. Nanao-sensei?"
With that, the assistant teacher Nanao-sensei crept behind and knocked Kyoraku-sensei out by smacking him in the head with the pair of drumsticks. She dragged him away.
"Keigo-kun," Dr. Unohana said kindly. "The boys are having their Health Examination in the basement with Mayuri-sensei."
Keigo felt a chill. He also felt a hard clamp on his shoulder and when he turned around, there was the biology assistant teacher, Nemu, staring into his eyes in silence. Despite her slim figure, Nemu easily hauled him over her shoulder and carried him like a sack of rice (despite his cries of protest and kicks) to the basement.
In the basement was the biology room. The boys of class 2-1 were huddled in a corner, terrified eyes like that of cattle being readied for slaughter. Ishida and Ichigo were in deep discussion about their serious predicament. Grimmjaw had ditched. And Ulquiorra had somehow received "special permission" to be excluded from the Examination.
Keigo was the first victim.
He stepped inside the room (more like pushed in). Keigo nearly jumped out of skin. Lining the walls were bottles filled with chloroformed, shriveled heads with faces twisted in grotesque pain. One of the heads even looked like a student who had mysteriously "transferred to a new school."
Almighty Lord, Keigo prayed. I swear to never again look at girls' panties from under the escalator. I swear I'll stop spreading false rumors about Ichigo's cross-dressing habit--
His prayers weren't answered. Before Keigo could react, he found himself suddenly strapped to an operation table with a creepy man wearing the freakiest mask leering over him. Mayuri-sensei's toothy grin grew wider as he said, "What to cut off first?"
"CUT OFF?!" Keigo shrieked.
"Don't be a fool," said Mayuri-sensei. "Struggling will only make it worse. Should I cut off the arm that is getting in the way?"
He moved towards Keigo's arm who twisted as hard as he could to get free. "Tch," Mayuri-sensei said. "I should cut off the ears, which you aren't using. Or I could cut off the mouth, which you're using too much. Or even..." His eyes trailed down. "I wonder if the male human can still piss without--"
Keigo's screams echoed throughout the basement.
Reflections
A great thank you to all the reviewers (reviews are the blood we vampirey writers live on).
This chapter was a bit longer than the previous one and less description-centric, but hopefully more engaging.
Next Chapter: School Festival (dunno when I'll be updating...)