Author's Note: This is it. The end. Hope you enjoyed it (nearly) as much as I did. :) Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed or favorited or put this on their watch list. Hope you enjoy this last chapter as much as the rest.
Disclaimer: If it wasn't mine for the other chapters, why would it be mine now?
Chapter 13: In Which Iruka is Most Excellently Triumphant
So.
Yes.
The door glittered prettily, surrounded by marquee lights. It looked like a bad movie poster, stuck up on the side of a B-movie studio. You know, something like "Attack of the 50' Zombie Ninja with Unshaven Armpits" or something like that.
It took a few moments to process, but Jiraiya's name plate was really fuzzy leopard-skin printed fabric. It was campy beyond words.
It was so very soft.
Shoring up the very last dregs of his sanity (and manliness), Iruka opened the door.
"Oh."
"My."
"Word."
His conscience, which to this point had been silent, began raging an internal battle with him, shouting evil things about stupid chuunin who needed to not open strange, glittery doors that belonged to men with mad-crazy ninja skills.
Iruka, or at least the mental impression of Iruka in his own thoughts, walked up the the shouting conscience, who also looked just like Iruka, only taller, and kicked his soapbox out from underneath him.
All the furniture in the room, all the carpet, all the wallpaper… even the blades on the ceiling fan – everything was coated in red velvet. Voluptuous red velvet. The red velvet that usually makes appearances in either bad horror movies… or worse pornos.
And Jiraiya himself was there.
Sprawled (rather artistically, said Iruka's mind-voice) across a sofa, the Toad Sage smiled toothily. For a moment, Iruka felt like prey.
Yes, he was sprawled. Completely naked.
In his birthday suit.
In his natural form.
Commando.
Buck nekkid.
Not just mostly naked, mind you. Completely naked, as in the day he was born.
And he looked proud of himself.
His bare skin seemed to glow.
All of it.
Iruka had to force himself to look away. It was like passing the scene of a horrific car accident; his eyes were just morbidly fixated.
Bad chuunin, he mentally chided himself. No cookie for you.
His already traumatized mind freaked out at that thought, his mind-image rocking catatonically in the corner of his mind. Instead, he forced himself to focus on the top of Jiraiya's head, on his oh-so-fluffy hair.
Tonbo somehow knew of Iruka's dilemma, and silently slurped his rum and coke through a twisty straw.
"Um-"
Jiraiya smirked widely. "Yo."
"Um, yeah. Ok. Not to be rudely blunt or anything, but do you know where either Genma, or Tsunade's coffee, is?" He decided to cut to the point and save himself (hopefully) the aggravation. His mind-self, which had come out of his shock, giggled at his stupidity.
Jiraiya didn't answer immediately, instead stretching himself languidly.
Wow, the stray thought ran across Iruka's mind, and he was powerless before it. I wonder if he bleaches his hair… 'cause that's not white like the rest…
Tonbo fell over in a heap laughing, as if he could hear Iruka's inner monologue.
Iruka's mind-self fell over, down for the count.
The Sannin continued to stretch like a newly-woken cat. "I actually know where both are," he confided in a sultry voice.
Iruka jumped up and down and clapped his hands in glee.
"But-"
He stopped, a knot of sheer dread forming in the pit of his stomach.
In a porn-star voice that screamed 'come hither' – Jiraiya continued, arcing his back. "There needs to be something in it for me-"
That did it.
That one statement was the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back.
Iruka's mind broke like a piñata, only with no treats and goodies spilling out.
Tonbo, coming back into awareness, saw no Tootsie Rolls or lollipops, and decided to beat a hasty retreat.
Jiraiya had no such sense. Or time.
6:27 am.
The mission room was beyond packed. The jounin and chuunin were all buzzing in nervous excitement. Even the ANBU were present; the room bore a stricking resemblance to a zoo. The crowd spilled out in the hallway, all possessed of a morbid fascination.
Kotetsu and Izumo were there, as were Anko and Ibiki. Raidou was back to his normal height, though he still looked cranky. Hayate was busy telling Gai some of his clever rhymes, and the Mighty Beast was beaming with pride (and in Pose #648 - "Proud Parent").
The only people missing were Tsunade, Genma, Jiraiya, and Iruka.
Even Tonbo was being very hush-hush. Boar from ANBU had tried plying him with alcohol, but the chuunin waved him off, patting his canteen.
6:28.
Tsunade poofed into existence behind her desk, Shizune behind. Tonton was clenched in her arms, and the aide and the pig both looked ill.
The Hokage did not speak, she merely glowered. Her hostility put even the ANBU on edge. Some of the younger nin were near tears. The older, more experienced (mostly kunoichi) - Kurenai, Anko, Sakura... Ebisu... all looked ready for a knock-down, claws-out catfight.
6:29.
All eyes were on the wall clock. All hearts were beating in synchronization to the tick of the second hand. It was a horrible sense of impending doom permeating the air.
6:29:15.
Sweat formed on brows, regardless of the chill of the pre-dawn morning.
6:29:30.
Tsunade's fingernails were digging not-so-miniature trenches in the arms of her chair.
6:29:42.
Shizune was clutching Tonton around his neck so tightly his eyes were popping out and his normally pink pig-skin was turning a peculiar shade of aqua.
6:29:53.
Anyone sitting was on the end of their seat.
6:29:56.
No one moved.
No one breathed.
No one dared twitch.
6:29:57.
6:29:58.
6:29:59.
Everyone inhaled expectantly.
6:30.
...
And nothing happened.
Kotetsu and Izumo began sobbing in terror - knowing their fate was sealed when Tsunade began her tirade.
Said Hokage smirked evilly and stood slowly, taking a deep breath to begin her rant.
6:31.
A poof of chakra smoke.
And there stood Iruka.
...
A smiling Iruka.
...
With a steaming pot of coffee in one hand, a mug in the other.
And all the shinobi rejoiced! There were high-fives, tears of joy, fist-pumping... and not-too-few friends turning to friends, demanding they pay up for loosing the bet.
Tsunade took the mug reverently, inhaling deeply of its nutty goodness.
Shizune had passed out behind her - her sheer relief had sent her into a blissful swoon.
"Do I even want to know?" the Lady Hokage asked after her first, calming sip.
Iruka grinned as Kakashi ducked past after patting his shoulder. "Probably not," he admitted, trying to shut out Pakkun in the background, demanding his steak. "But I'll put it all in the mission report anyway."
Tsunade nodded in hazelnut flavored bliss. "Excellent. Take the rest of the week off as a reward. Just tell Genma he's still in it when he surfaces."
The chuunin nodded, taking her statement as the dismissal it was. "I'll be sure to do that, ma'am."
He poofed away.
He appeared, perched atop the Hokage Monument, in a crouch.
The Third, he mused, did have a rather broad forehead. He pulled his flak jacket off and stretched out, sunning himself in the early dawn light. There was more than enough space on the upper forehead for an entire team of shinobi to take a nap on it, should they so wish.
And a very large nose.
Below him, tied to either side of the late Hokage's nose, were Genma and a now-clad Jiraiya. Both were gagged (and quite pissed), but Iruka found that he just didn't care. He had called in some favors from Ibiki (read: threatened to blackmail with pictures of Ibiki's "happy" elephant) to make sure the ropes were chakra-proof... and on a timing mechanism.
By the time the timer went off, Iruka had every intention of being somewhere not so close.
His report, however, would be in Tsunade's hands... and it would include the location of her public enemies one and two.
Iruka smiled as he shut his eyes.
Yep.
Today would be a good day to take a nice, relaxing break.