Chapter VI
One month, numerous dresses knitted and altered by Gwendal, many nosebleeds, many oh-so-succinctly named and suddenly appearing tents, interviews with The Mazoku Times, countless matrimonially related devices – with many unnecessary sharp protrusions – invented by Anissina, innumerable "shifty look, shifty look"s, incalculable sabotage attempts by Adelbert and Günter (or as they now call themselves, the "Let's Sabotage the Yorad Wedding" agency) and many situations having necessitated censorship by way of a Yehak Brand all-purpose screen later.
Finally the glorious day of the Yorad nuptials is here! The sun is shining, birds are singing – Anissina has even invented the new Maryoku-God-Those-Bad-Omen-Birds-Sound-Bloody-Awful-Let's-Convert-Their-Bawlings-to-the-Far-Pleasanter-Lyrical-Stylings-of-The-Amazing-Yehak-Using-this-Oh-So-Succinctly-Named-Invention-Not-Forgetting-the-Customary-Superfluous-Sharp-Protrusions-Kun –and practically everything in sight is a vibrant cherry blossom hue, which is in no way Yozak's doing. In fact, the only reason the bad omen birds are screeching is that they have been blinded by the profusion of pink glitter on everything in sight.
The water in the castle fountains has been replaced with cherryade and enchanted to make the surface form holograms showing different cheesy nostalgic pictures from Conrad and Yozak's past, depending on the angle from which the fountains are observed. Murata has dyed his ebony tresses a rather shocking shade of fuchsia, seemingly in an attempt to attract the females amongst the guests, namely Miss Moneycoinoflittlevalue, who has, surprisingly, not been swayed by this romantic effort. His Majesty Shinou – somehow reincarnated once more, despite the fact that he should be dead but let's not point that out – is also present, decked out in full ceremonial magenta robes, with a matching streak in his blond hair.
Yuuri and Wolfram are the principle bridesmaids, wearing dresses modelled on Wolfram's frilly baby pink nightdress. Gwendal was at first reluctant to join their ranks and embrace his inner drag queen but was soon persuaded by the pink bearbees, who have recently formed a great bond with Yozak due to their similar taste in colours. Communication is difficult due to the bearbees' inability to say anything other than "Nogisu!", but they persevere by conveying their thoughts through effeminate gestures. All the groomsmen are dressed in pale pink suits with tailcoats and top hats.
It is a few minutes before the ceremony is due to start and Conrad is waiting at the foot of The Tree i.e. that tree where everything happens in those flashbacks to about 4000 years ago when Shinou and the Great Sage have conversations that are in no way homoerotic. He is dressed similarly to the other men present, but his tailcoat is a deeper shade of cerise and his top hat gleams with an overload of diamante – needless to say Wolfram and Yuuri are protecting their eyes with their matching Bob-style shades, except in pink, of course. Conrad's buttonhole also contains a special flower – a new species bred by his mother called "Eternal Yorad" – which is, of course, pink, but with orange flecks, mimicking the shade of Yozak's hair.
"Is it just me," Wolfram asks "or are there no female bridesmaids at this wedding?"
"No," Gwendal replies, "Flurin-san's over there – she's a bridesmaid too."
Wolfram looks ready to begin his customary "Hear Me All Beings Who Dwell In Flame" speech as he seethes "Yuuri! Was this your doing?"
"No!" Yuuri squeals, attempting not to look wimpy and frightened, a failure which is not helped by the sugar-pink bows in his ebony hair, "I didn't invite her – honestly! Besides, you look much prettier in that dress than she does!"
Wolfram looks slightly mollified, and stops summoning his fire-pals, yet he still mutters "Hennachoko" under his breath.
"In fact, you look so good, I might even build us a "Yuuram Cosplay Lovefest Tent" later and we can slip away early," Yuuri says with a suggestive look on his face.
"Well," Wolfram says, "I am wearing lace garters…"
Gwendal clears his throat and says, "One: I'm your brother and don't you think it's slightly inappropriate to be engaging in such outright innuendo so near me. Two: Yozak has been sighted drawing near – get into positions. Three: there will be no questions about the crimson hue on my cheeks – it is no way the cause of the presence of those ULTRA-KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! (coughs) – excuse me – pink bearbees but instead due to Yozak insisting on me wearing rouge, shifty look, shifty look – I think I covered that one up well – I mean…er…that's the complete truth, shifty look, shifty look – into positions now before I adopt my esteemed nine years running winner of the Annual Mazoku Glower Award evil glare! Now!"
Everybody shuffles into position, just in time for Yozak's arrival. Suddenly, Yehak and C-Rad's (Conrad's new pop persona name as he and Yozak have now released a collaboration album) rap version of the Mazoku national anthem begins to play. It runs like this (imagine beat box in the background):
"Yo, this is C-Rad in da house!
Let me introduce my soon-to-be spouse!
Yo this is Yehak here!
With me and my man you ain't got nothin' to fear!
(Chorus Together)
Yo, let's here it for Shin Makoku –
These peeps got lots of damn good Maryoku!
Yeah, let's here it for Yuuri Heika!
Let me see you dance – I know you're a shaker!..."
The entire song runs on for another twenty-two verses, but Yozak only walks up the aisle during the first verse and chorus. I say walk, but he actually flies side-saddle on the back of his ever-faithful sidekick, T-Zou the obese sheep, who pauses to glare at Murata, whom he still recognises as his nemesis, despite the hair. Those who said no more pink could be added to the ceremony were wrong! Yozak is wearing a floor length rose satin gown – with a matching glittery sweatband of course to, as he rather worryingly put it, "entice Conrad" – with "Eternal Yorad" flowers in his fiery hair, complete with a ridiculous amount of hot pink make-up on his face. The dress, thankfully, is cut with bell sleeves which cover his unbelievably un-feminine to say the least arms, but there is a slit on the left side up to mid thigh (inspiration taken from Cheri-sama) which a damask silk stocking and a matching garter. Conrad smiles widely as the music fades and Yozak reaches the tree. T-Zou gives Conrad a quick reproachful look that basically says "don't you dare hurt my darling Yozak or there will be dumpling related consequences". They stand side by side, hands clasped as the ceremony begins.
"I bet your garters are way better than his," Yuuri whispers to Wolfram.
"How soon can we slip away?" Wolfram replies, raising his perfectly groomed eyebrows.
Günter suddenly appears with his new beau – not my word, I assure you, it's just his new way of referring to Adelbert which has rather worryingly kinky undertones, but let's not focus on the images it provokes. They are both dressed in ridiculous imitations of Yozak's (or Yehak as they know him) wedding outfit, which they clearly made themselves from pieces of Günter's bed sheets. Instead of stockings and garters, they are wearing Yehak's famous bandage-socks, except with lilac lace trimming which just does not go in any sense of the word. Both have dyed their hair bright orange once more, except with raspberry streaks to honour the colour scheme of the entire event.
"Günter, Adelbert! What are you doing here? Yo- I mean Yehak has a restraining order on you – how did you get past the guards?" Yuuri asks, an expression of surprise and disapproval on his face.
"By guards, I assume you mean Dorcas and his "Bald Mazokus" posse and it's not exactly hard to elude them," Adelbert replies.
"What happened to the other competent, hair-possessing guards?" Yuuri enquires.
"They all got drunk on the enchanted cherry punch hours ago and passed out. God, for our darling Yehak's wedding, the security is awful!" Günter says, swooning melodramatically as he notices Yehak flashing his trademark smile at Con… – shifty look, shifty look – C-Rad.
"Hey, aren't you guys against this wedding – why did you turn up?" Wolfram asks.
"Well, we've decided to accept Yehak's wishes to get hitched, despite the fact that we believe he should've chosen us, his most devoted followers, who would do anything for Yehak and there are many things we really would like to do to him such as-" Günter replies, before being interrupted by Wolfram and Yuuri who simultaneously yell:
"No! Don't go into detail! We really don't want to know!"
"Fine," Günter continues, "but anyway, we decided to accept the wedding when he decided to marry our gloriously sexy C-Rad as opposed to that dreadfully unattractive soul Conrad!"
Adelbert begins to soothe Günter from his horror at this thought with his patented shoulders – and in no way any other part of the body – massage.
"No! Don't you dare start "massaging" him again – it wasn't a good sight the first time and it isn't now!" Yuuri and Wolfram bellow simultaneously.
"Yuuri – I've just had a thought! Why don't we market ourselves as a team – "The Simultaneously Yelling at People Who are About to Embarrass Everyone Including Themselves by Doing Something Unthinkably Horrifying (Reference Günter Talking About His Sexual Preferences) Whilst Wearing Matching Sunglasses, Colour-Coordinated with the Surroundings" team – catchy, isn't it? But, back to the point of the matter – Günter, Adelbert, I'm afraid I have to break it to you – Conrad and "C-Rad" are the same person!" Wolfram declares, almost fainting when he finishes, due to the amount of energy and breath expended in this speech, but being caught by Yuuri.
"Yeah," replies Yuuri, "and Yehak and Yozak are the same person too! Look and Conrad – he and C-Rad have exactly the same haircut and physique – the only difference is the Zorro-style mask – I mean..er…shifty look, shifty look – Yehak-style mask. (sigh) Now no-one can sue me for copyright which they couldn't do anyway because we are in no way in anime! Also, Yozak and Yehak's bright orange hair and bandage socks are exactly the same!"
This time it falls to Wolfram – who has now recovered from his swoon – to catch his husband when he falls over after making a ridiculously long speech.
"I don't see your point," Günter replies, "Adelbert? Do you know what they're talking about? They're not the same at all!"
Adelbert shakes his head, showing for the first time the fact that his newly tangerine hair also has a built in holographic message that reads "Yehak's Bitch!".
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Gwendal screeches at them, wiping tears from his eyes with a primrose-coloured silk and lace handkerchief, "It's just getting good! I mean er – tearful shifty look, tearful shifty look – let's all look at this display of man-love before I adopt my esteemed nine years running winner of the Annual Mazoku Glower Award evil glare! Now!"
They all turn to look at Yozak and Conrad, who are standing before the "Mazoku Man-love Professing Ceremonies Co-ordinator" (basically just some guy they found wearing a top hat with a flashing sign on it telling people his title who's acting as the registrar).
"How come Gwendal didn't fall over after his long speech?" Yuuri asks Wolfram, voice lowered to avoid Gwendal adopting The Glare.
"He's probably just so touched by the display of man-love," Wolfram whispers back, "but be ready to catch him. Hey, we should definitely add "Catching People When They Faint After Making Overly Long Speeches" to our team name!"
Yuuri fails to reply as the ceremony starts, to quote Gwendal, to "get good".
"I do take thee, Conrad "C-Rad" Sexy-Legs Weller-" Yozak begins, before being interrupted by the "Mazoku Man-love Professing Ceremonies Co-ordinator".
"Could you use his real name please? Sorry, it's for official purposes," the man in the hat asks.
"What do you mean "real name"? Sexy-Legs is his real middle name! Oh, where was I, I do take thee – whatever name I just said – in sickness and in health and all that other crap etcetera etcetera…" Yozak finishes.
"I do take thee Yozak "Yehak" Super-Sexy-Biceps-Drag-Queen Gurriere or Grie…" he looks pointedly at the "Mazoku Man-love Professing Ceremonies Co-ordinator", who makes no interruption this time, "in sickness and in health and all that other crap etcetera etcetera…"Conrad says.
"Wolfram, is that the real Mazoku wedding speech – it seems awfully unromantic? Also, are those Yozak and Conrad's real middle names?" Yuuri asks.
"Yes, it's the real speech – we changed it after Conrad went to Earth to deliver your soul to be like your Earth one, but we Mazokus like to save time, so we cut out all the crap in between! Also, if you think those names are good, you should hear mine…" Wolfram replies, raising his eyebrows at his husband.
"What, what is it?"
Wolfram leans over to whisper in Yuuri's ear. He laughs when he's finished and has seen Yuuri's face.
"Yuuri, is your nose bleeding?" Wolfram asks.
"No! No! – shifty blood-soaked look, shifty blood-soaked look - It's just ketchup!" Yuuri replies.
"Well," the man in the hat proceeds, "without further ado, I now pronounce you Husband and Husband! You may now make out!"
And with that, the happy couple did as they were bid and, as it was a wedding, no Yehak Brand all-purpose screen was used for censorship. Nosebleeds and fainting fits followed.
It had been a good reception, despite the necessitation of another oh-so-succinctly named tent for all the casualties – "The Emergency Aid for Wedding Guests Who Have: Been Mauled in a Dispute Regarding the Fact that they Wish to Marry Yehak and/or C-Rad Themselves / Lost Considerable Amounts of Blood Due to the Amazing Yehak's or Mysterious C-Rad's Supreme Hotness / Passed Out After Drinking Too Much Enchanted Cherry Punch" Tent.
Yuuri and Wolfram had played a quick song on the leg-xylophone, before slipping off early to the aforementioned "Yuuram Cosplay Lovefest Tent". Unfortunately, this meant that they were unavailable to simultaneously shout at Günter and Adelbert when they began to shamelessly slow-dance in front of everyone, likewise in the case of Dorcas and his posse's attempt at karaoke and dancing like normal people.
"Isn't it funny how much has happened in the last few months?" Yozak says to Conrad as they walk off into the sunset – which had been enchanted to only glow pink and no other colours – together "I mean, we've both become critically acclaimed artists and confessed our love to each other and, on a more horrifying note, Günter and Adelbert have got together."
"Yeah, except for Günter and Adelbert's shudderingly oh-so-wrong relationship, it has been a good few months. Particularly our wedding!" Conrad replies, kissing his new husband on the neck.
"It was good wasn't it!" Yozak agrees, before adding, "And I really like my wedding outfit…Now I just can't wait to begin our wedding night!"
Suddenly, a tent appears before them, out of nowhere, with a banner across it reading "The Yorad Marital Privacy to Ensure Utmost Enjoyment of Kinky Wedding Night Lovefest Antics" tent.
"I was hoping that's happen – I'll miss those spontaneously appearing, oh-so-succinctly named tents if they ever go!" Yozak exclaims.
"Shut up and kiss me!" Conrad replies and, when his new bride has complied, he continues, "Now let's go and pour pink champagne over each other whilst I remove that garter with my teeth!"
And without further ado, they did just that…and more!
THE END!
Author's Note: Sorry for the wait to anyone who's actually reading this story – I've been busy with exams. Anyway it is with great sorrow that I end this fic that's kept me amused for so long but, never fear – unless you hated this story, in which case, be terrified – I shall be writing other fics that involve Yehak and continue on from this story in one way or another. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story and thanks, of course, to the wonderful Yozak for inspiring this story. Is it a sign of insanity to include fictional characters in speeches of thanks (ones which don't end with the speech-maker falling over, might I add)? Oh well…