And What The Riddler Found There
By Trick Steven
Author's Note: If you are a fan of The Batman I suggest you don't read this as you may find this material offensive. However, if you're a Batman The Animated Series fan, I say go on ahead.
The old warehouse at Gotham's docks in between Hemingway and Scotts was thought to be abandoned for a long time. However, if the police were vigilant enough to notice that for all it's size, none of the city's homeless dared to venture into the rotten interior of the large storage house. It was because the vagabonds knew that it was the lair of one of Gotham's most eccentric and insane criminals; the Mad Hatter's to be exact.
Inside of the warehouse was a mess. An odd assortment of statues, props, and costumes laid strewn hazardously on the floor. It was no surprise then that all of them had to do with Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. The Riddler had almost bumped into a Styrofoam Mockturtle as he made his way down to the Mad Hatter's workbench. He sat down on a bench shaped as the Cheshire Cat's grin and waited for Jervis to notice him. It took Jervis a few minutes to notice Edward as he was busy with attaching a very tiny piece of metal to a microchip using a pair of tweezers.
When he did see Edward, he greeted him with a friendly, "Hello! I'm glad you decided to come Edward. I do hope that my message was sent quick enough."
"Yes, yes, it was Jervis, don't worry about it. I really want to see the devise you wrote to me about. It sounds… interesting," said Edward, picking his last word carefully as to not offend Jervis. After all, the machine that Jervis raved about in his letter may not be as great as it sounded. Edward did respect Jervis's intellect but sometimes Jervis had gone overboard on how wonderful his inventions were.
"Fabjous! Come let me show you. It's one of the best inventions I've created yet!" said Jervis enthusiastically.
Edward followed Jervis as he crisscrossed his way to another table.
Jervis held a small metal bracelet in his gloved hand and explained, "This, my green-clad friend, is a devise I have been working on for quite a while now. This little bracelet can transport the user to different dimensions and without any nasty side affects too!"
"Wait a minute, I thought you worked with nanotechnology?" questioned Edward.
"I do and that's why I made this bracelet so small. It couldn't do any transporting if I made it any smaller," answered Jervis.
Edward was about to argue but then shrugged. It was no use convincing Jervis that the bracelet wasn't technically nanotechnology, because arguing with Jervis was like arguing with a brick wall.
"So why did you make it exactly?" asked Edward as he leaned on his question marked cane.
"Well I have this theory that everything that people have thought of or are thinking of right now are existing somewhere in different dimensions," said Jervis.
"Ah, so your hoping that there is a Wonderland somewhere?" said Edward.
"Exactly", said Jervis excitedly, "Of course there is a possibility that other worlds may know of our existence. I mean I know it may sound ridiculous, but maybe we are Saturday night cartoon characters somewhere in a different world. Think of the possibilities Edward!"
Edward refrained from rolling his eyes at the cartoon comment and replied, "I wouldn't go that far Jervis; although I do agree that this devise does have some potential."
"Good! So do you think you'll test it for me?" asked Jervis, extending out his hand with the bracelet.
Edward scrutinized the bracelet in Jervis's hand and replied, "How do you know that it won't transport me to some hellish alternate universe?"
"My honest answer is that I don't know. However, if it comforts you to know, there is a dial on the bracelet," Jervis then pointed to a small silver knob on the corner of the bracelet, "that regulates on what type of dimensions you go to. For example, if you want to go to a world similar to ours, you would turn the dial to a lower number."
"And is all this in theory or..?" asked Edward, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh no! I've tested the prototypes of this devise on rats. I attached a camera on their itty bitty heads and sent them exploring in different worlds. And might I say, the worlds I've seen are quite extraordinary…" said Jervis dreamily, drifting off into his daydreams.
"If you already tested the bracelet, what do you need me for? Kind of pointless, don't you think?" questioned Edward flatly.
Jervis snapped back to reality and replied hastily, "I do need you. You see I've never been able to send the rats back. Unfortunately their arms can't reach the place where I had put the prototypes so I don't know if a person can be sent back or not. Why I need you specifically is because you have an extensive knowledge in electronics-"
"Well what do you expect from a genius?" added Edward.
"-Yes, well as I was saying, you would know how to fix it if happened to malfunction. So if you don't mind me asking, I would be very grateful to you if you would please test it out for me?"
"Hmmm…let me think about it first," said Edward.
Jervis nodded and waited as Edward put his hand on his chin in thought. His mind immediately traveled to the thought of benefits. What would he have to gain with this devise? Well, if there was a world similar to this one, there would have to have banks wouldn't it? And maybe that world wouldn't have Batman? That would make robbing banks much, much easier. Of course, he could still get a thrill of puzzling Batman in this world and have the benefit of having the other-world money neatly tucked away in a Swiss bank account so he would have enough cash for an early retirement.
"Jervis I'll do it… but with one condition," said Edward. Without missing a beat he continued, "My condition is this: If I find something valuable whether it be a bank, a pyramid of diamonds, or anything of equal value I get to keep it. No exceptions."
"Fair enough," said Jervis as he handed Edward the bracelet. "I have to warn you though, the place you will transport to will be entirely random."
"It doesn't matter to me, just as long as the world I go to will be like ours," replied Edward as he strapped the bracelet to his wrist.
"Ah!," exclaimed Jervis, "I almost forgot….Edward I want you to wear a camera so I can record to where you'll go to."
Jervis ran to his workbench and retrieved a grey bulky camera. When Edward saw it he complained, "I will not wear that thing! It's ugly and it clashes with my colors!"
"But I-" started Jervis, but he was interrupted by Edward saying, "See you later Jervis," as he turned the dial on the bracelet to 2 and disappeared in a blinding flash of blue light.
For a couple of seconds Edward could only see white light surrounding him as he sped off to his designation. Then the light faded as he crashed landed on a hard surface. He got up, dusted off his suit, and looked around at his surroundings. The place looked a lot like Arkham Asylum; it had the same dreary atmosphere, the same type of cells, and the same type of darkness that suffocated all feeling. Edward walked down the corridor and found himself at a corner. He peered cautiously around at it, but all he saw was a row of glass walled cells so he continued his walk through it. He looked into the cells to see if there were any familiar faces; when he did he couldn't help but notice that all the men had funny shaped chins. Edward stopped in front of a cell that had a blond man snoring in a cot. The cell was filled with blueprints of what looked like a jetpack and of flame-related items. Edward wasn't too surprised when he looked up at the name tag above the cell: "Garfield Lynns". He moved to the next cell and was startled by an older man wrapped up like a pretzel. The man noticed his shocked expression and winked at Edward as he moved into another painful-looking position. Edward quickly walked away, freaked out by what he saw. Once he was far away from the pretzel-man, Edward wondered if he had a version of himself in that world and looked around for himself. Try as he might though, he couldn't find The Riddler. Edward then decided to ask someone of his whereabouts, so he went to the first cell he could find. A pale person with long black hair was leaning against the glass of the cell and was reading a book.
Edward knocked on the glass and asked, "Hello Miss?"
The person turned around, glaring at him and Edward quickly corrected himself, "Oh I'm sorry sir."
"Who are you and what do you want?" asked the man coldly.
Edward was a little taken back by the young man's curtness but answered, "I am Edward Nigma and I'm looking for the Riddler."
The man raised an eyebrow and answered, "You're joking right?"
"No…well if you need an explanation, I am the Riddler but from an alternate dimension," explained Edward.
The man then burst out laughing and answered, "That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard of! Well if you're looking for the Riddler, I'm right here."
Edward's eyes widened and he said, "You are the Riddler?"
"The one and only, even if you claim other wise," answered back the man smugly.
"But you look like a…a…" stuttered Edward in shock.
"I look like a what?" asked the man angrily.
"You look like a woman!" shouted Edward.
"I do not!" growled the other Riddler.
"Are you a transvestite?" asked Edward.
"No! Of course not!" answered back the man angrily.
"Then why do you wear lipstick?" questioned Edward.
"Because I look good in it, that's why!" the other Riddler shot back.
"I bet you wear that horrible spandex costume…" muttered Edward.
"As a matter of fact I do," answered back the young man.
"Oh God! This is worse then I could ever imagine!" exclaimed Edward, "What kind of a sick twisted world is this?!"
The other Riddler just rolled his eyes at Edward and said sarcastically, "It's a world filled with lollypops and rainbows, isn't it obvious?"
Edward glared at him and asked snidely, "So out of curiosity, how did you become the Riddler?"
The young man began with, "Well you see, it all started with my father. He forced me to play sports when all I ever wanted was to sit at home and play with my puzzles…"
"That's the reason why you became the Riddler? That is pathetic," answered back Edward.
"I'm not finished!" shot back the other Riddler, "The reason why I became the Riddler is that I thought the woman I loved-"
"Stop! I don't want to hear anymore of this melodrama. God, it sounds like a soap-opera," muttered Edward to himself.
Edward then took a few steps back and announced, "As much as I have enjoyed this little meeting, I must get back to my own world. Bye!"
But before Edward could move a muscle, a deep maniacal laughter echoed through the hallway and he froze at the spot.
'I hope that isn't who I think it is,' thought Edward to himself as he forced himself to turn around.
"Well, well, lookie who we have here. A second Riddler perhaps?" said a being that looked a lot like the Joker; a Joker that looked like a clown ape on steroids. Sadly enough for Edward, the clown had managed to get out of his enclosure and was approaching him with a wide, murderous smile on his happy face.
"If only Joker was here to see this…" muttered Edward to himself after he saw the other-world Joker's hair and shuddered.
"What did you say?" asked the Joker, "I do hope you weren't saying anything bad about me…"
"N-nothing! I didn't say anything at all!" stammered out Edward, meanwhile trying to find a way to escape.
"Oh really? Then why don't you give Joker a big hug!" cackled the other-world Joker and he nearly grabbed at Edward, but Edward was faster and he ran off to save his life.
Edward could hear the Joker's laughter as he tried to find a safe hiding place so that he could get back to the familiar Gotham that he knew and now very much appreciated. He hid in a utility closet and locked it behind him. Edward then focused on his dimension traveling bracelet, trying to figure out a way to get back home.
"God damn, why didn't Jervis tell me how to get back to my dimension?" asked Edward to himself as he turned the knob to see what could send him back.
The tiny screen of the bracelet turned green and asked, "What is the password?"
"Jervis put a password?" said Edward, raising an eyebrow.
"Yoo-hoo, where are you Mr. Needs-to-be-stabbed-in-the-back?" yelled out the Joker, sounding too close for Edward's liking.
"Password, password…um 'Alice in Wonderland'?" guessed Edward, talking into the bracelet.
"Invalid," replied the bracelet.
"Mad Hatter?" guessed Edward again.
"Invalid," replied the bracelet.
"Hats?" questioned Edward but again the bracelet answered the same.
"Hmm…I wonder if it's a certain person…" whispered Edward to himself.
"You are close sir!" answered the bracelet.
Edward stared at the piece of metal in disbelief for a moment and then shook off his bewilderment and asked, "Can you give me a hint?"
"It's the name of a certain little girl!" said the bracelet cheerily.
Edward couldn't help but hit his head at the obvious answer, "Alice."
"You got the password correct! Yay for you!" cheered the sliver of metal.
Edward glared at the bracelet and said, "That's fine and dandy but I need to get back now. My life is at stake!"
"Whee! Look Ma, I'm George Washington, ready to chop down the cherry tree!" sung Joker outside of the closet as an ax swung into the door. Wood flew everywhere as Joker merrily mutilated the door to get to Edward.
"Processing…" said the bracelet, glowing red.
"Send me back NOW!" shouted Edward as he shook the bracelet.
"No need to be rude…" muttered the bracelet.
"Oh Riddles, I'm coming for you!" said the Joker. He managed to chop the door down and was grinning hideously at Edward.
"GO DAMMIT GO!" screamed Edward.
"Loading complete!" piped up the bracelet and a white light enveloped Edward. He vanished right before an axe slammed into the wall where his head had been.
"Nuts!" said Joker, "I was so hoping to give that overgrown leprechaun a welcome hug, but he seems to be gone."
Joker sighed sadly but then cheered up after saying, "Well, causing some meaningless mayhem and destruction always cheers me up. Time to make cyanide pies!"
Joker then laughed gleefully as he bounded off toward the asylum's kitchen.
Edward's landing was equally ungraceful as the first; he crashed into a stack of crates and sent them toppling. He groaned and held his head as he got up.
"I hope you have a very, very nice day sir!" chirped the bracelet.
Edward glared at the band and replied, "I hate you."
Jervis came running at the sound and asked, "Edward is that you?"
"Yes, it's me. I have a couple of scratches thanks to your lousy invention," muttered Edward, dusting himself off.
"So it works?" asked Jervis eagerly.
"Yes it does. However, I dislike the voice that comes with it. As much as you like talking inanimate objects, I really, really do detest them," said Edward and added, "And you might want to change the password. I find it a bit creepy, even for you."
Jervis nodded and asked another question, "So how was the other world?"
"Trust me Jervis, you wouldn't like it. I certainly didn't. I visited Arkham Asylum and all the people looked very odd. It was like they were cartoons drawn by a studio that had a low budget and wanted them to be drawn the cheapest way possible," explained Edward.
He then continued, "And don't get me started with the rogues! Firefly looked alright, but the rest… well there was this strange twisty man, and the Joker looked like a monkey that had gone through electro-shock therapy. The worst was the other world's Riddler…he looked like a woman! And an ugly woman at that."
"Was there a version of me?" asked Jervis.
"No, thank god. I don't want to know what kind of warped version they would have for you," answered Edward.
Edward took off the bracelet and handed it over to Jervis.
"I appreciate you letting me use your devise, but I don't want to use it ever again," said Edward.
Jervis opened his mouth to say something, but Edward cut him off by saying, "And before you ask why, let me explain. After nearly being killed by the Joker and seeing the horrors of that world, I don't want to see any other worlds. I mean, my god, that was only a level two! I shudder to think what twisted, insane places there are out in other dimensions. I wouldn't go exploring even if the very ground it's self was made of gold. So I thank you Jervis again for letting me use it. It made me appreciate how fine this world truly is, even with Batman around."
And with that, Edward Nigma tipped his bowler hat in farewell and walked out with a spring in his step.