In Confidence

Stage II

Chapter x

Kathryn lay in her bed. She could not go to the bridge; for all intents and purposes she was a prisoner in her quarters. When is Chakotay going to come back?

Where had that thought come from? She should be thinking about her ship, her crew, her captaincy: her life.

Whoa where had that thought come from? She felt resentment for the first time ever at being the Captain of the good ship Voyager. But there had to be more to life than captaining a starship through the galaxy; wasn't there?

She had not thought about anything but her Starfleet career in a very long time. For her whole life there had been nothing else. Now Chakotay was offering something more, all she had to do was accept his invitation.

Tom ran into sickbay, he had been told that B'Elanna was there in labour. He rushed over to the Doc., "So... what's the progress?"

"Everything looks good Lieutenant; but it could be a while yet. Klingon labours can sometimes last for days."

B'Elanna grabbed the front of the doctor's uniform and screamed in pain.

The doctor piped up, "Although, I'm sure that won't be the care."

Tom heard the voice over the comm. That he recognized: Chakotay. "Lieutenant Paris, report to the bridge please."

"Uh… Commander…"

"Is there a problem Mister Paris?"

He looked at his wife, "Go, if this mission is going to succeed we're going to need our best pilot at the helm."

He stared at B'Elanna, giving her a kiss one last time before taking off.

Kathryn felt the ship lurch signalling a shuttle taking off. Though she was aware of the specifics of the mission, she was wishing she could be on the bridge; but she had promised both the doctor and Chakotay that she would take time off and rest after the procedure.

She felt the cramping and she was aware that her body was simply expelling the last vestiges of her baby: her baby, the child she wanted but couldn't have. She decided she would make her way to sickbay, surely a painkiller would help.

The pain, though she knew was more a psychological pain than a physical one; she left her quarters anyway: a woman on a mission.

Kathryn walked into sickbay, as the doors opened she heard the cries of agony of her Chief Engineer and felt the tears come to her eyes and begin to tumble down her cheeks.

The doctor spun around as the doors parted and saw his Captain: standing there, frozen in place wearing civies with her tear soaked shirt and face. "Captain, are you okay?"

Kathryn turned and bolted from sickbay in a panic.

The doctor looked after her, and was about to follow her when B'Elanna's cries stopped him dead and he thought better of it. He tapped his commbadge, "Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here, we're a little busy at the moment doctor."

The doctor sighed over the line, "Chakotay, when this crisis is over… I think you should go down and visit the Captain."

Chakotay paused before answering his mind in a whirlwind of thought, "Is Kathryn okay doctor? There weren't any complications with the procedure were there?"

By Chakotay's rushed tone, and his reference to his Captain by her first name he knew he was distressed over the request. "She seems fine physically, but maybe you could try to find a moment to go and visit her anyway."

Chakotay was shocked by the doctor's admission that Kathryn might need him. "It's nothing serious is it doctor?"

"I think she may just be a little emotionally distressed after the procedure this morning."

"Acknowledged Doctor, I'll go see her as soon as this is over."

The doctor actually sounded gracious as he answered him, "Thank you Commander," And the line was cut.

Chaktotay's mind reeled. Was she okay? He had to keep his mind on the task at hand, he would see Kathryn soon.

Kathryn got to her quarters and began to cry. Not the silent tears she sometimes let slip but gut wrenching sobs. She fell to her knees and bawled. She wasn't normally a crier, but seeing B'Elanna in pain – a pain she would gladly have endured – on the cusp on motherhood; it was too much for her: she had broken.

She felt the ship buck, and the speed of the ship increase. One thing about being the Captain of a vessel was… you got in tune with the movements of the ship itself: like a child in tune with the moods of her mother.

A child, a baby she might never have. She broke down and the tears began anew.

She made her way slowly to her bad and lay down to let the tears saturate her pillow.

They'd made it. They were finally back in the Alpha Quadrant: back home, and Kathryn Janeway had missed the final entrance.

After seven years of hopes, prayers and fears: they had finally made it.

Chakotay had tried his damnedest to call her, get her to the bridge if only for a moment, but there had been no answer to the hails. She had to have been in bad shape to miss her ship's arrival in the Alpha Quadrant.

But… they were home.

An Admiral – he immediately recognized as Admiral Paris – congratulated them and asked (tactfully) where the Voyager's Captain was.

Even to his ears the excuse that 'she wasn't feeling well' sounded hollow.

When all was said and done, Voyager was re-entered into the Starfleet books without too many problems.

Chakotay made his way to Kathryn's quarters and rang the chime: No answer. He rang again for entry: still no answer. Afraid that something was terribly wrong, he used his override codes.

He walked in, to see the last thing he expected: Kathryn was asleep on her bed, her tear-stained face marring the calmness.

He wanted to go to her, to apologize for all the things his future self had put her through. Damn him, damn the temporal prime directive. He had read through her files, her profile: everything. When he had been promoted to first officer (well placed in the position out of necessity was more like it) he had combed over everything. He needed to know her as best he could, to try to anticipate her command style.

Well so much for that. Kathryn had continued to surprise him throughout the years, and he hoped she would continue to do so during the years to come.

He approached her bed and gently moved her hair away from the porcelain perfection of Kathryn's face. Without the Captain's mask in place – while sleeping – she looked so young and to a certain extent even innocent, the worries of the day lifted from her face.

"Kathryn," he whispered. "Kathryn, we're home; we made it."

Kathryn stirred in her sleep, but refused to wake. "Captain!" he stated finally, a little more forcefully. That got her attention, she woke with a start and reached to tap her commbadge (probably more out of habit than anything else).

This poor woman had lived for everyone else for so long. The Captain's time was over, it was now time for Kathryn to live. He watched her rushed motions, but his hand flew out to capture hers before it hit her chest.

Kathryn rose and spun around, to face him rising to her full height, a good six inches in heels – a good 12 inches barefoot – shy of his height.

Her eyes held a death glare as she stared at him, challenging his actions. "What the hell are you doing?"

He gently grasped her face, "It's okay Kathryn; we're home."

Her eyes filled with confusion. "What?"

"You're been in here for more than twelve hours."

Kathryn shook her head as if attempting to clear the cobwebs and the confusion. "Why didn't you call me to the bridge?"

He looked at her and smiled. "I did, I tried, you weren't answering your hails."

Kathryn locked gazes with him once more, confusion overshadowing clear blue eyes.

The clouds cleared and once again the sadness filled the panes of her soul. "Oh Gods Chakotay, I missed it? We finally got home and I missed it?"

He cut her off with words of reassurance, "It's okay Kathryn; I simply told Admiral Paris that you were under the weather, but that you had co-ordinated the whole effort that brought us home from your quarters."

She stared at him, a half-smile beginning. "Chakotay, that's sweet… but not true." She sighed, "B'Elanna did more than I did and she's been in labour all day."

Chakotay looked at her, begging her to understand. "Yes, but what she went through was a natural process, what you did was not."

"How can you say that!" Her anger was flaring now, "Women have miscarriages all the time."

He stopped her, "Miscarriages Kathryn; you had a three month old foetus removed from your body."

Kathryn's face began to crinkle up and her hands went to cover her face to hide the emotional outburst, blocking her signs of weakness.

Chakotay's voice lowered to a gentle caress. "Don't do that Kathryn. You're human and you're a woman and your body has just gone through a traumatic experience. Give yourself time and a little leeway."

Kathryn glared Chakotay's way. "I'm the Captain, I'm not allowed to – "

"To what Kathryn? Be human?"

Kathryn opened her mouth to respond but no words were forthcoming. Finally she sighed, looked down at her toes and finally, after what seemed like forever to Chakotay… she spoke. "I'm so sorry Chakotay. I've been just the Captain for so long, I'm not sure I know how to be just a woman anymore."

He drew her close to him, in an embrace full of promise, "Oh Kathryn, we're home now. You can be anything you want to be: 'wife', 'mother', 'lover'." He looked at her suggestively.

Kathryn brought her eyes up to his, "You. Wish." She laughed and she lifted her face up to his. As her lips met his, he heard the words: "I love you Chakotay, forever." Escape her lips. This was perfect; this was heaven.

END CHAPTER x

END STAGE II