A/N: This is random. In fact, this whole story is random, but randomness is good for the brain. XD
Please review!
Legendary Day # 2
Neji's tender wooing
It was a fine morning in Konoha.
Hyuuga Neji woke up with a goofy grin and skipped all the way to the training grounds, feeling carefree like an uncaged bird, as the sun placed soft kisses on his shiny chestnut hair-
-or not. Because, after dodging a Molotov flame and having two rotten carrots as well as half a dozen eggs thrown at my face for making Neji so out of character, I cried my eyes out at the unfairness of it all, slit a wrist or two, and decided to take drastic measures.
So, Neji woke up and slowly opened his white eyes, a stern and impassive expression plastered on his face. He got dressed, his expression impassive. He combed his hair, his expression impassive. He took care of his personal needs, his expression impassive. He ate breakfast, his expression impassive. He left the house, his expression impassive. He nodded to Shikamaru on the way, his expression impassive. But after being greeted by Jiraiya and the two hot babes hanging on each of his arms, Neji's expression finally changed.
His body tensed. His heartbeat sped up and his breathing became erratic. Soon, he was staring into the distance with his Byakugan eyes. He bit his lip forcefully.
"Three, definitely three… but- no, wait… what if…?"
Jiraiya looked at Neji somewhat concerned.
"What's wrong, boy? What are you counting?"
"SHHH! Quiet… Birds, I'm counting birds," he said, craning his neck and spinning around like a madman. "I'm scanning the area, I just detected something."
The tall man's eyes twinkled with amusement.
"Ah, yeeees… I see. I remember the time when I was doing the same, obsessing over birds and bees and the women's towels at the hot springs…"
Neji's interest was picked. Coming to the conclusion that the birds were three, period, he let himself relax and take a breather.
"Hm, is that so…?"
"Mm-hm, yes! You're not the only one! Many boys go through that phase and there is only one cure for it," Jiraiya said dramatically.
"Which is?" Neji asked, his expression yet again impassive. It switched quickly to murderous when Jiraiya tried to put a hand on his shoulder, and then switched back to impassive as soon as he withdrew it.
"Hihi, that's easy, Neji, my boy. Do you have a girl you like?" He said, wiggling his eyebrows.
Neji thought about that- he thought hard.
"Well, there is this girl I called cute once, back when my mom was still bathing me and walking me to the Academy…"
"Ah! Splendid!" exclaimed Jiraiya. "Who is she?"
"My cousin," was Neji's dry reply.
The white-haired Sennin almost started jumping up and down. He caressed the cover of his Icha Icha notebook, well hidden inside his coat's pocket.
"Cousin, eh? Hehehe… And, do you still like her?"
"I guess… whatever," the young boy replied offhandedly, quickly scanning the place for more birds.
"Great! Great! All right, here's what you're gonna do: Take this," he said, handing Neji a piece of paper, "and go find her. It's a perfectly safe, foolproof guide on how to win over a girl, authored by none other than me." He flashed Neji a wide, innocent grin. "Now, off you go!"
The Hyuuga boy looked at the piece of paper in his hands unwillingly. He had to find Hinata… but first, was that something small and feathery he could feel somewhere in the distance?
Fifteen minutes later, he spotted her unusual purple hair at the grocer's shop.
"Good morning, Hinata," he deadpanned.
The girl turned around, startled.
"Oh..! Hi…" she whispered, her eyes slightly downcast.
Neji checked his list.
Step 1: Make polite conversation. Look interested in her well-being.
"How's the training going? Did you manage to hit a target or what?" he asked, looking at an eggplant.
Hinata blushed and looked away.
"Everything is fine, cousin… Y-you?"
"Same."
Having completed the first step successfully, Neji proceeded to step number two.
Step 2: Make a compliment about her eyes.
"Your eyes-" he began, but stopped when he got a glimpse of his face's reflection on the shop's window. He corrected himself.
"Y- Our eyes… are pretty."
Hinata dropped the tomato she was holding and blinked. Her cheeks were flushed. She avoided looking at Neji.
Step 3: Make a compliment about her smile.
Neji fixed his gaze on his cousin.
"…Smile," he said suddenly.
Hinata started trembling faintly. He was acting so weird… She forced her lips to form a tentative smile.
"No, wider. With teeth," he requested, his expression impassive as always.
The girl could do nothing but offer him a shaky, toothy grin. He leaned in, close to her face, and clutched her jaw. Then, he carefully and very thoroughly inspected her dental structure, the pointer finger of his other hand tapping on his chin in thought.
"Hn. Now say HA."
Hinata, scared beyond words, obliged. Taking a sniff, Neji determined that her toothpaste was satisfactory. It smelled good, was deadly for bacteria, and guaranteed the pearly whiteness of her smile for quite some time.
He was done with the examination.
"Okay. Good. Your smile is pretty too."
Hinata hugged herself.
"C- c- cousin… are you okay?"
"I'm fine," came his toneless reply.
He checked his list again, starting to get agitated. A bird… somewhere… close…
Step 4: Explicitly state how you're willing to overcome any obstacle to be with her.
Neji took a deep breath.
"Our fathers were twins…" he said, "and our children will probably be munching their hair and sucking on their thumbs until their thirties, but I like you and I don't mind paying for diapers for the rest of my life."
Hinata paled, her brow now sweating profusely.
And then Neji moved on to the final step.
Step 5: Find an excuse to get her shirt off and have fun repopulating the planet.
Signed by Jiraiya, feared Sennin, desired bachelor and sexpert.
Neji did a double take. This was going to be tricky…
"You know… I've been looking for that shirt of yours for ages. Do you think you could lend it to me any time soon… like now, for instance?"
Hinata fainted.
Observing from behind a nearby rock, a certain perverted hermit slapped his forehead. Grunting and mumbling to himself, he flipped open his notebook and took a look at his own list.
Bondage: Orochimaru / Tsunade.
Status: Cancelled.
Threesome: Sasuke / Sakura / Naruto.
Status: On hold.
Sensei / student: Kakashi / Team 7.
Status: In progress.
He quickly turned a couple of densely-written pages. His eyes lingered on the last entry.
Incest: Hyuuga Neji / Hyuuga Hinata.
Status: Data gathering.
"Hmph. I must edit this…" he murmured.
A couple of minutes later, he looked proudly at his new list.
Incest: Uchiha Itachi / Uchiha Sasuke.
Status: In progress.
Jiraiya sighed wearily.
"And now… to find these two and give them the love/hate/fine line speech…"