I don't own these characters. Legal stuff.

This contains rude language, adult situations, and sexual references. Don't read if you might get offended.

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Private Time:

Sometimes I think my old man is so full of shit that it's a wonder he don't explode like a septic tank that's been backed up too long. But every once in a while (getting rarer, though), he's spot on about something.

Like women.

I'm Ranma Saotome, the heir to the School of Indiscriminate Grappling and all around a pretty swell guy. I've got a curse that changes me into a woman (Hot water guy, cold water women. Long story, but I'm slowly learning to accept it), more rivals than I can shake a fist at (keeps me at my peak and learning all sorts of cool martial arts techniques), and overall a pretty good life. But women will be the death of me. My old man's right about this one – women ain't nothing but a hindrance and a distraction in perfecting the Art.

I might be dumb and all, but I ain't blind. I mean, I've got more women hanging off me than any one man should. I mean, I'm good looking and all, pretty nice, and a damn fine fighter, but I've got at least two fiancées I know about, one self proclaimed wife from China, and one crazy ass loony chasing me down just cause she's got more money than sense.

They all want me (even Akane, I can tell. Having a woman's body has helped me learn some things). What makes it worse for me is they're all smokin'. I mean it. I know I'm a bit boastful, but any one of them's pretty enough to be a model. So that brings me to my main problem. I'd like to do stuff like normal teenage boys do with girls, ya know? Get the occasional hand job or bj, not to mention score as often as possible. But that's not in the cards for me (at least, not yet), considering how fucked up my life is right now.

Xian Pu's a Chinese Amazon and self proclaimed wife. The crazy chick's been following me around for over a year. First she wanted to kill me, now she wants to drill me. That wouldn't be a bad thing if it didn't mean I'd be dead in an instant. She's got a rack that defies gravity and description. I've seen them enough times to know – they have got to be at least D cups, pert, and perfectly symme.. symet… What the hell is that word? Anyway, they're pretty nice.

And she's natural. I've never seen hair like hers, but somehow, her hair is purple – everywhere. And she trims. I remember this one swimsuit she wore at the beach that wasn't much more than two ribbons from crotch to neck… I see her naked more than anyone else, and I'd like to see more, if it didn't mean an early grave.

Sigh…

Then there's Ukyou, the "cute" fiancée. She might dress like a boy, but it's pretty obvious what she's hiding under those wraps. She might not have boobs as big as Shampoo, but she's got that cute little innocent girl act down. I'm telling you. I've watched her move, though, and I'm pretty sure that Ukyou's got something that even Xian Pu don't. I'm talking real sex appeal.

Xian Pu's like a pin up doll – you wanna bust a nut and move on. Some marines I met down in Okinawa described that kind of girl as "hump 'em and dump 'em." She'd be a sex kitten, no doubt, but there's not all that much goin' on up stairs, ya know?

Ukyou, though? She'd blow your mind, then your balls, and have you beggin' for more. At least, that's what I think. In some ways, though, I'm glad I've never seen her naked, cause that'd be wrong. I think of her like my sister, but if I got too much of an eyeful, I'm not sure my devotion would remain purely filial.

Then I've got this crazy chick named Kodachi after me. She prances around in these leotards that don't leave nothing to the imagination. She shaves. I don't want nothing to do with this chick at all, but if I weren't engaged (multiple times over, no less) and she didn't know where I lived, I'd love to bang her rotten. She's flexible, athletic, willing, in to all sorts of mind altering experiences, and seems like the kind of girl that would give every man the kind of sexual experience he should have at least once in his life.

But the whole psychotic bitch thing's a little much, even for me.

Speaking of psychotic, there's my main fiancée, Akane. Psychotic might be a little strong, but she's got a temper and a hot little bod to match. I know I give her shit about thunder-thighs and small boobs, but honestly, she's got it where it counts. She's ain't got huge knockers, but what she has will stay good looking long after Xian Pu's fun bags have sagged down to her knees. She's in better shape than Ukyou, so she'd probably not get all flabby as she ages, either.

Out of all the girls I know, Akane's the one I'd love to nail the most. (Well, Nabiki comes a close second, but makes sense. They're sisters, after all. Nabiki's a… softer version of Akane. Bigger boobs - and those daisy dukes she wears? Wow.)

Sorry, got off track. The problem with Akane is that she'd kill me if I ever expressed any sort of desire like that to her. Or, she might just take me to her room and tie me down and sex me up. You can never tell with her, though. I know her type, though. She accuses me of being a pervert all the time, but I know she's the one who's really perverted. Of all the girls after me, she'd probably be the kinkiest and best in the sac, once you get past the whole man-hating thing.

She's getting better, though. Just the other day, she walked in on me in the bath. Rather than braining me, like usually, she just kind of stared for a bit and had this grin on her face before turning around and walking out. That look just about did me in. I was hard for hours afterwards, and it was real hard getting out of the tub and into my room without being found.

So I've got this fiancée I'd love to bang, and I'm sure she'd wear me out if we actually ever did it. And since she's so athletic, I'm sure we'd have some really rough, back clawing, shoulder-biting sex.

Man, it would be awesome.

If I wasn't such a good martial artist with control over every single aspect of my body, I'd have a raging stiffy right now. This chick is so hot, and she is all over me all the time. It's hard – well, not at the moment, but sometimes it is.

The problem is, if I even tried anything with anyone of the girls, I'd be deader than dead. I'd be so dead, King Kai-o be'd all like, "Damn, boy, you is dead!" I touch Xian Pu, Akane and Ukyou and Xian Pu's self-proclaimed boyfriend Mousse would be out for blood. I may be good, but eventually they'd win. I touch Ukyou, same deal, only it be Xian Pu, Ku Lon (her Great Grandmother, and super deadly), and Konatsu, Ukyou's secret admirer. I touch Akane? Forget it. I'd end up married and dead within the same two minutes. Ku Lon'd kill me in a heart beat, Xian Pu would hack my body to pieces, and Ukyou'd cook 'em up in an explosive okonomiyaki and shove them down Akane's throat.

Yeah, so sex is out of the picture. It wouldn't be so bad if I could occasionally rub one out, or what ever you'd like to call it. I've heard all sorts of things from the guys at school - spanking the crank, playing the one holed finger flute, floggin' the dolphin, spankin the monkey, having a one man tug of war with Cyclops, wrestling the purple-headed yogurt slinger, frosting the sock, roughing up the suspect, making knuckle babies, the five knuckle shuffle, strangling the weasel, spit-swabbin the pipe…

All fancy ways of saying I'd like to be able to wack off to the images of all the lovely ladies I've got hangin' off me, but knowing my luck, the wrong person would walk in at the wrong time, and again, I'd be dead. I can just imagine it – I'd be doing the deed, minding my own business, when in walks Xian Pu. She'd chuck her clothes in a second, jump on top, then Nabiki or Akane'd find me.

You've had a wonderful life, Ranma. Prepare to die.

So that's my problem – lots of hot women, lots of hormones, and absolutely no safe way to take care of it. I know what my pop'd say about women ("They're a waste of time, boy!"), but it's a whole lot worse to be so distracted by boobs that you keep getting splashed by cold water that would otherwise be easy to avoid.

So how do I make some private time to take care of my… little problem?

Well, believe it or not, Akane actually is the one who helped me figure out what how to deal with the problem. We argue all the time. We start yelling, words start flying, and then pow, out comes the mallet and I go sailing off into the stratosphere.

She used to do it only when she got mad. But recently, she's been doing it when ever one of us gets too horny. I start yelling at her, the her nipples get hard, I notice and I start getting hard, then she glances down and notices my reaction, starts reeking like sex, gives me a small wink before snarling and whipping out the mallet.

I know she's turned on because I can smell it. Something my pop's did to me when I was young – the Cat-Fist, or the Neko-ken. When I get really emotional (mad, scared, horny, whatever), my senses become more acute. Around Akane, I'm always either mad or horny. Funny thing is, so is she.

She's gotten the trajectory down flat. She hits me just hard enough to give me about thirty minutes of flight time with a water landing. That's usually long enough for me to squeeze one out before splaching down. Flying though the air is pretty much completely private, (except for that wierd oni chick that floats around some times, but she's not interested in me. Thankfully). Since I'm already floating in Tokyo Bay, clean up's a snap – no muss, no fuss. Then, it takes me about an hour or so to get home. By the time I'm back, she's usually done too – I come back and she's breathing heavy and smelling pretty musty.

It took me a while to figure out what the smell was, but once I did, I couldn't help but notice it all the time. So Akane plays the clitar while I'm on a one-way ticket to Tokyo Bay, has her orgasm or fourty, and by the time I get back, she's a bit more settled.

It's fucked up, but at least it works for us.

My only fear is that I'm coming to associate pleasure with pain. I'm pretty sure Akane's into domination, anyway.

I told you she'd be the kinky one. Man, all this thinkin' 'bout Akane's got me riled up again. I'm gonna go piss her off to see if she'll send me on a one way trip to the bay. Sometimes she don't just so she can watch me suffer.

That's alright, though – I'll get her back soon enough. After all, I'm Ranma Saotome, and I'm the best. I don't lose.

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I don't know where the hell this one came from. I was just sitting here itching to write something, and this popped into my head. I was thinking, "how in the hell would Ranma get enough time alone to masturbate if doing so could potentially set off Fiancee World War III? My thoughts are also that Akane would totally resort to violence to satisfy sexual urges.

I'm also thinking about doing a similar vignettes with some other characters that I like. We'll see. This was super fun for me to write, and only took about thirty minutes. There may be future updates!

Enjoy - Comments really welcome!