A/N – Dietrich reacting to the news of Radu's death and the sight of his body.

Rating for implications of necrophilia.

Alive

By PikaCheeka

Radu is dead. I'm not exactly sure how to react to this. I've never had anyone die before, not anyone who mattered. I only felt a sickening satisfaction whenever I had seen bodies collapse in a pool of blood before now. One last thing for me to fear in this disgusting world.

But now Radu is dead, and I shocked myself my crying at the news. I watched him die. It may only have been through a computer screen, but I saw everything. I felt everything. I felt something rip open and spill out inside of me and I knew immediately that it was pain.

And now I am the one with his body.

Not only did they let him die, but they sent me to go fetch his body and use it.

Can you not make use of it? Make a puppet out of him. The Empire does not know he is dead.

Controlling a body from a thousand miles away is exceptionally difficult.

Do as I say.

I trace my fingers across his features, his body long since stiffened. It's only been a couple of hours, but I already feel as if I have been without him for years. He looks at peace. His body had already started to heal the burns all over his body before the final gunshot to his chest finished him off. His face was unscathed. I could fix the rest of him. If I had been there when it had happened, I could have saved him. I could have stabilized his body long enough to get help. And if the Magus had been with me, we could have entirely transported his soul to another body. But now he is dead. My Radu is dead. I am crying again and I know it is absurd, but I can not stop the tears from coming. I have never felt this before. I have cried in rage, in terror, in agony. I have cried in sorrow. But this is none of them. It is all of them. It is sheer desolation and I am crying for the emptiness inside that was not there only hours ago.

I never knew Radu was a part of me.

I touch his lips for a moment. Why are you smiling? Do you not care about what you have done to me? He so rarely smiled, and when he did it was only because he was trying not to scream. He never believed a word I said. I spoke too much and without thinking, and only now do I realize that what I said was the truth.

I love him. Loved him. Can I even still love him? He does not exist anymore. Even inside of me, something was ripped out.

Slowly, calmly open the front of his shirt and run my hands down his hard chest. How many times have I lain under this body? How many times have I been held against this chest afterwards? I pick up the scalpel and touch it to his sternum. But I cannot do it. I cannot cut him open, not when he is so beautiful. Not when he is finally at peace.

Peace without me.

This is what you always wanted, isn't it, Radu? I lie down next to him on the table and rest my head on his chest. There is no longer a heartbeat. It's why you joined the Orden. You wanted that heart to stop. You wanted there to be no more feeling. You wanted to be still and silent and smiling, no longer in any pain. You wanted to not care, to be nothing but a shell, like the rest of us. But you could never be like us. You were too beautiful. You were alive. That is why you had to die.

I kiss him gently. I loved you. I never knew how to show it, but I loved you. I only teased and tormented you because that is what you did to me, what you did to my heart. I was alive in your arms. I slip my tongue over his fangs, tasting my own blood, dripping it into his own mouth.

Let me be alive one more time.