Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters or its settings

Additional Disclaimer: I don't know what happened here, I was just scratching a few things down and being serious and then suddenly everything went apeshit and the whole story got away from me...

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There I was, looking at the subway train that had just replaced my body in my field of vision. Someone had pushed me onto the subway tracks, some twisted fuck had shoved me in front of a train!

I'm dead. I'm – I was nineteen years old and I'm dead! A few big guys had grabbed the guy who'd murdered me, a nutcase who was laughing hysterically.

"Just you wait you son of a bitch," I said, pointing Zangetsu at his face. "You look like a hollow in the making. A day will come when I send you to hell for this."

"You ready to go yet?"

A familiar voice. A shinigami voice. I hadn't heard one since the end of the winter war, when I was bluntly told to stop meddling and get on with my life. That's what I've been trying to do.

Okay, I'll admit to the odd training session back at Urahara's place, but that doesn't count.

"Yumichika?"

"I happened to be nearby," he said. "We should go Ichigo, before they back up that train. I don't think either of us need to see what's left of you. It won't be beautiful."

"No, it won't."

I put Zangetsu on my back. "So what happens now? Do we take a gate back or do I have to get konsoed?"

"Strictly speaking you should be konsoed Ichigo, but that has potential consequences. If you'd like to ignore the formalities and take the gate it's fine with me."

"I think I'd prefer that."

We were climbing the stairs out of the subway station, finally reached street level.

"I had an exam tomorrow."

Yumichika's lips quirked. "Look at it this way, now you have the evening free."

"I guess."

We found a back alley where Yumichika opened the gate. It's a nicer way to travel, let me tell you. We arrived in a forest clearing at the edge of a lake, a pretty little spot that obviously had been set up so people coming back while using their hands to hold their intestines in would have something to look at.

Yumichika wasn't saying much. Wasn't like him.

"You're not going to get in trouble for this, are you?"

He smiled at me. "Not if you don't tell anyone."

I had to grin. That was Eleventh division thinking if I'd ever seen it. "About what?"

Yumichika laughed.

"So what do I do now?"

"I have no idea," said Yumichika. "Come have a talk with the captain, I'm sure he'll take you on."

I gave this some thought and it didn't sound like a bad idea. Zaraki wasn't much for rules, he wouldn't stick me into the academy or anything.

The pathway led down through the trees and into the Seireitei complex proper. It was some kind of park, there's no way one of the gates was outside the walls.

The gate had been the right way to come, if I'd been konsoed I'd have been outside the walls and they'd probably drop the damn barriers on me. The spirit cannon was fun but once in a lifetime is enough.

I guess it's not a lifetime anymore.

"Yumichika, they didn't put you through the academy, did they?"

He looked up, surprised. "Of course they did. On a part time basis. Even Captain Zaraki was ordered to the academy, though I don't think he ever got around to it. Being a captain already allowed him special dispensations, but in theory he still has to go at some point."

"What about Yachiru?"

Yumichika laughed. "Graduated with honors in everything. I gather it was a disaster like the academy had never seen before, the first division lieutenant was assigned to follow her around. It's probably what turned his hair gray"

We reached the eleventh division compound about fifteen minutes later. We weren't hurrying or anything.

"What the hell-"

"Yumichika?"

Zaraki was sitting under a tree nearby, and he wasn't alone. Most of the captains were there, including the captain commander. If the captain wasn't there a lieutenant was there, all squads but the fifth were represented.

Zaraki was looking a little sheepish, like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

The Captain Commander raised his eyebrows at me.

"Kurosaki-kun."

"Sir."

It got really quiet after that.

Rangiku spoke. "Ichigo-"

"Don't even think it," said Nanao. "Ichigo-"

"Ichigo-" said Nemu.

"Quiet!" Shouted the captain commander. The old man looked around the assembled crowd, glared at Ichigo. "What are you doing here?"

"I was pushed in front of a train sir."

"You died then?"

"Uh, yes sir."

"So why are you here?"

That kind of surprised me.

"I-"

Suddenly Momo appeared, shunpoed right in front of me.

"Ichigo-"

"Vice Captain Hinamori!" The old man was getting pretty cross.

Momo blushed. Rangiku stepped forward to pull the smaller girl away.

"Well boy?"

"Please don't call me boy."

"I'm four thousand years old. I'll call anyone I damn well like boy and then I'll tell them to get off my lawn."

"Why are old people so protective of their lawns?"

"It's one of those things. Now Boy, give me a reason I shouldn't put your punk ass in the academy."

"Are you on drugs?"

"So you've got nothing. I thought as much."

What the hell was happening to the old guy? Was he senile?

"You've got no excuses and you're about ten years old. We don't take 'em that young."

I pointed a finger at Hitsugaya "I'm nineteen! And what about him!"

The old man waved it off. "He's over fifty, that's old enough. I think your punk ass is going to the academy."

And that's how I found myself tricked out in this damn student uniform with a blank scroll and a writing set. When the hell are these people going to get out of the Edo? Most schools have computers, here you get fifty meters of paper the width of your hand and a great big brush. Brushes are for painting the house! My calligraphy is awful!

And they took Zangetsu away and stored it in the front office, I have to sign it in whenever I come onto the campus. Suffice it to say I'm not smiling much these days.

First class, introduction to using a sword. I said I was already pretty good with a sword. That didn't get me a free period. So I got to spend the next two hours in a big grid of people practicing sword strikes against empty air. What a goddamn nuisance. Wooden sword too, I wasn't allowed Zangetsu.

Seven years of this?

Maybe I could make up some time when we actually started sparring.

Next up, history. I managed to blob my notes so badly they're illegible. Enough said about the next two hours. I just hope it isn't on the test.

That brings me to lunch. At least that wasn't bad. I ate quickly and went looking for my next class. It took me the rest of the hour to find it.

One in the afternoon, day one. Finally I thought I was going to get a break; movement class. I can already flash step pretty well.

Try explaining that to your instructor on your first day. They sat me at the back doing silly exercises.

Okay, from here on in everywhere I go I flashstep.

Class four, the one I dreaded most. Kido.

They threw me out.

Well shit, I did exactly what they told me! Raise your spirit energy! So I did! For my trouble I got slapped across the back of the head and pitched out the door!

This place blows!

Class is in session and I'm not in it. I thought about going to find Rukia or Renji or someone and figured it'd be too much trouble. Might as well go back to my dorm for two hours before dinner.

The old man or someone had pulled some strings and I didn't have a roommate, which is totally awesome. Rukia in the closet is one thing, some clown snoring and farting away is completely another.

Shit.

I get back to my room, open the door and find-

Rangiku.

When I left this morning there was nothing in this room but the spare uniform I'd been issued and the soul pager I'd conned out of Renji. I wanted to call home, talk to Karin, Yuzu and the Goat.

Now my room featured a busty vice captain, two more seated officers from tenth division and a great big 'welcome to tenth division Ichigo' sign. Obviously Rangiku was in charge of tricking out my room and obviously Rangiku is a nutcase. I now have the only dorm room on campus with pink curtains, a selection of stuffed animals and a bottle of sake that I'm not sure Jidanbo could lift.

"Welcome Ichigo!" Said the bubbly one, and signaled her gloomy underlings to set off some crackers to fire streamers and confetti about the place.

"Rangiku, what have you done to my room?" I looked around. I would have thought it'd be pretty obvious just from looking that I'm not a Chappy-obsessed girl. What the hell is she thinking?

"Isn't it obvious?" Bubbled the Vice Captain, "we wanted to welcome you to your new home, until you join tenth squad, that is."

"Tenth squad?" I hadn't given it much thought actually.

"You'll love tenth squad," enthused Rangiku. "Our captain is a boy about your own age, so you'll have someone to play with, and on days you're feeling more adult you can look at my-" She breathed in.

I'm beginning to think I didn't actually die, that somewhere I'm lying in a hospital with a major bump on the head, happily hallucinating away. I've never been a drug user, but after a day like this anything seemed possible.

Boing boing boing. Rangiku wanted my attention and was bouncing up and down. It was kind of hard to ignore, if you know what I mean. Suddenly her expression changed, went absolutely flat. She hissed like a snake. "I thought I told you to get rid of those."

I happened to look over, she was glaring at a vase of roses on a stand. There was a little card attached.

One of her officers was moving towards them. Rangiku noticed me noticing.

BOING BOING went Rangiku, BOING BOING BOOOINING! She was all happiness and light again, and she'd definitely got my attention.

"Oh, just forget about those, Ichigo! Ugly old flowers! Who'd want them? I'm sure you're allergic to them anyway." She had her hands pressed together in front of her, which kind of pressed other things together.

Note to self, start keeping your jock strap in the freezer.

I'm just a little too quick, and I beat her officer over to the vase. The glum officer gave me a 'please kill me now' look as I grabbed up the vase, looked at the card.

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue

Now that you're dead,

Third Squad's for you.

From Kira and all your other new friends at third squad.

I looked up. "This is not Shakespeare."

Rangiku pulled the vase out of my fingers, passed it off to her officer. She was able to do that because she forced me into the corner and pinned me there with them.

"Silly Kira," she said. "A fine young man like you wouldn't want to join that drippy division. Come to tenth division. We have more fun. BOING.

"Then why are your officers so glum?"

"She said we were going shopping," mourned one.

"It was my day off," said the other.

"Shut up!" Barked Rangiku. Then she got me again with those boobs.

"I'll definitely consider tenth division Rangiku-"

"OH don't just consider it, Ichigo!" I should have known that wouldn't be enough. Rangiku did a very impressive trick, she actually popped a few folded sheets of paper out of her cleavage without using her hands. "I have the paperwork right here! See here? Look here. All you have to do is sign!"

"Leave him alone, you big breasted hag!"

Rangiku whirled away from me and I almost fell down. I hadn't realized she'd backed me right up onto my toes.

Nanao was standing in the doorway, eyes flashing.

"You two, out!"

Rangiku's officers put on the first display of happiness I'd seen and fled the room.

"You can't sign him up before he graduates Rangiku, those are the rules!"

They were facing each other down. I was looking at that paper in Rangiku's cleavage and wondering how I could keep it as a souvenir.

"Back off, Glasses," said Rangiku.

"Go back to your little boy, Shotacon!"

Rangiku looked like she was going to explode. "Shotacon? Well go back to your staggering drunk!"

"Harlot!"

"Party pooper!"

Nanao demanded "What about this rubbish decor?"

Rangiku screeched "Rubbish!?!"

I took that as my cue to sneak out.