I Will Not Take My Love Away

Disclaimer: I don't own MerDer.

A/N:I've been wanting to write this story for some time now. But I've been holding back because I know I won't be able to update very often. But the lack of MerDer in our lives right now drove me to finally write this down. I've promised myself that I'll update once a week (if people liked the story). So here's the first chapter. Tell me what you think.

Meredith Grey tightened her grip on the handle of the heavy metal gate and shoved will all her strength. She managed to move if forward a few more inches. Widening her stance, she pushed again. Rain sprinkled her face and soaked her hair which she had tied into a messy ponytail that morning before she left the house.

Her foot slipped into an ankle-deep puddle, but she held unto the gate and kept herself from falling. Exasperated, she mourned the damage being done to her sneakers, they weren't much but they were her favorite. But that didn't stop her from struggling with the gate. What a time for her first visit to this property! Thunder rumbled overhead and lightning flashed across the dark clouds, as if taunting her. She glared at the sky and turned her attention back to the gate. She had to get it open so she could drive into the estate and find the trailer on it. Her ex-husband had inherited this land from his grandfather, and she'd been paying the taxes on it for the last six years to keep it from being claimed the state during Derek's absence, but she'd never intended to visit it – until last night.

Several minutes of fruitless effort passed. Meredith paused to rest, slumping against the gate. As she caught her breath, she cursed her small frame. She was so tired. At first she tried to blame it on the bad day and night she'd had. And she was emotionally drained after reading her mother's letter and physically tired from a sleepless night. It always rained in Seattle but she had to be honest with herself and admit this was one of those times when nature thought it was nice to show her the limitations of her size.

Frowning, she lifted her head when she heard an unfamiliar sound. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw nothing but the rain-slick pavement she'd traveled earlier and the pine tress that towered on either side of the road. The sound intensified. She identified it then as a motor, and it was coming from the area in front of her, not behind. She clung to the god-forbidden gate, looking over it at a dirt road that disappeared about twenty yards beyond into the tress.

Suddenly, a mud-spattered hummer bust into the clearing. Stunned, Meredith stared at the vehicle as the driver slammed on the brakes, sending up a rain of muddy rainwater. But through the heavy rain and patches of fog, she could see with surprising clarity the man who vaulted out of the hummer. She didn't recognize the man who was stomping toward her but she did recognize the emotion rolling off him: fury, barely under control. His aggressive stride steady and sure despite the uneven ground and the mud sucking at his boots.

Meredith's gaze traveled up his body as he drew closer. She unconsciously regarded how perfectly fit he is. Exhaling unevenly, she took his strong features and the dark stubble that covered his chin and jaw.

Something deep inside her twisted unexpectedly. She blinked and focused on his lips. Although compress into s straight white line, they seemed familiar and had an erotic nature that deserved her exploration.

Meredith shuddered, surprised as she realized that she was responding to his physical prowess on an instinctively sensual level. She couldn't remember the last times she'd responded to a man – any man. Startled and a little embarrassed, she dragged her gaze higher. He was furious. Shock rippled through her the. The years and experiences he had endured changed him in ways she sensed went far deeper than his changed appearance. Meredith stared at him, her green eyes wide and her disbelief stopped her from moving.

Derek Shepherd paused on his side of the gate and glared at her.

"Get the hell out of my land and don't come back."

Her body jerked involuntarily as if physically assaulted by his words, yet her brain quickly dealt with the reality that the hot shot neurosurgeon she had married so long ago had become some rugged man who now felt at home in the middle of nowhere. The classy appearance he once worn had been scraped clean. Derek Shepherd looked exactly like what he'd become – an angry, forty-two-year-old ex-con who had gone to ground in the year since his release from federal prison.

He seemed so different from the man she'd once welcomed into her heart and body in the name of love. Although his parole officer had warned her, she didn't believe him when he insisted that wasn't the same. Now she wished she had listened to his warning and planned this visit with more care.

"Leave now, Meredith!" he shouted. "If you stay, I'll make you wish you hadn't."

Her hands fell to her sides. Deeply shaken, she searched for the right words to say after not seeing him for six years. She also struggled to find courage, amidst the feelings of regret and shame that filled her. She understood his anger, even knew that from his point of view it was a justified response to her unannounced arrival, but she felt sad. Desperately sad, because they'd both been victimized by a woman they'd trusted.

She drew in a steady breath. "I need to talk to you, Derek."

He scowled at her. "There's nothing left to say."

He started to turn away. She lunged forward, slamming her shoulder into the side of the gate as she snaked her arm through the gap she'd struggled to create. She tried to grab his hand, her fingers simply slid across the arm of his wet coat. He draw back as though repelled by her touch.

Meredith's heart sank at his response, feeling the tears sting her eyes. Withdrawing her arm, she straightened. She ignored the throbbing in her shoulder, and she consciously refused to cower in the face of his rage and distrust. Although nervous about his reaction to what she had to tell him, she also refused to allow him to intimidate her.

"Five minutes, Derek. That's all I need. It's important."

"I don't owe you five seconds."

"But I owe you," she countered firmly.

She endured Derek's angry gaze, and she comforted herself with the memory of a time when his eyes had been warm and caring when he looked at her with their look. But that was the past, she reminded herself. A past she still mourned as dead, for in could never be reclaimed.

The rain intensified to a heavy downpour. Thunder crashed deafeningly and lightning streaked across the sky. She flinched, chilled to the bone by the storm, but she held her ground, her face stubbornly lifted for Derek's inspection, her expression neutral.

She finally warned, "I'm not leaving until we talk. I can wait in my car until you're ready to hear what I have to say." She was prepared to wait for a long time. She'd stopped by the hospital this morning and told the chief of the situation and that she would be out of work for a while. Richard Webber, her god-father, had been very understanding.

He swore, the word so coarse that it shocked her. She couldn't recall a time when he'd used such crude language in front of her, or in front of anyone for that matter. He'd always been protective of her, the ultimate gentleman bent on safeguarding the love of his life.

Meredith tilted her chin higher, appearing defiant even though his close scrutiny intimidated her. But she promised herself that she would be strong and remain calm. For his sake, not her own.

"You've changed."

She heard the accusation in his voice. She shifted, but saw no sense in denying the obvious. She didn't need any reminders that they'd both been through their own personal versions of hell. "You're right," she conceded.

She searched his features, hoping for a hint that his anger with her might have eased a tiny bit in the minutes he'd spent studying her, but she found no softening in his demeanor. If anything, he looked angrier. She silently cursed the person responsible for the changes in Derek.

With a calm she didn't feel, Meredith remarked, "Events change people. I think we've both learned that lesson better than most people."

She realized by the expression on his face that he didn't' know what to make of her attitude or her behavior, so she waited for him to come to terms with both. Unless he cooperated, she wouldn't be able to tell him what she'd learned. She didn't intend to send the new evidence through mail to him or even offer it to the appropriate legal authorities.

She felt certain that Derek needed to fell – deserved to feel – that he was in control of his world again, even if it meant destroying the reputation of a dead woman. The information in her mother's letter could allow Derek to undo some damage done to his life and his career as one of the promising neurosurgeons in the country.

She watched him flick a contemptuous glance at her sports car. His expression told Meredith that he knew who'd given it to her and exactly what it symbolized. It was a wealthy mother's gift to her only child, a toy intended as a substitute for emotions never expressed and looseness never attained, despite a child's adoration of the self-absorbed woman she called her mother.

"That thing's useless out here. You'd never make it to the trailer."

"I'll walk if I have to," Meredith announced.

She felt Derek's fury, felt it vibrate through the rain and saw it in his cold gaze. She said nothing. Gripping her forearms with chilled fingers, Meredith simply drew on the patience she'd been forced to learn in the recent years and waited.

Derek suddenly jerked the gate open. He seized her by the arm and half walked, half dragged her in his wake. Although startled, Meredith didn't fight him. Neither did she fear him. She felt only regret that he'd been living in such a rage filled life. He didn't pause until he reached the hummer, even though she tripped more than once.

Yanking the door open, Derek ordered, "Get in. I'm not going to stand out here in a thunderstorm just to humor you. You'll say what you have to say, you'll leave, and you won't ever come back. Is that clear?"

She nodded, her dignity grazed. "Very clear."

Turning, she stiffly climbed into the hummer. As she settled on the seat, she stopped worrying about the mud on her shoes and jeans. The interior of the vehicle was already coated with the stuff.

Very cold despite the heat blasting up at her from the heater, Meredith rubbed her palms together. Derek joined her, running his hand though his now longer curls before starting the vehicle. His muscled were for defined and his features cold and hard. There were, Meredith had long ago realized, predatory creatures in prison, and she assumed that Derek had deliberately redesigned his appearance as a statement of his determination to thwart any attempts at physical dominance by other inmates. She felt sickened by the thought that he had to protect himself from that kind of perverse environment.

A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw. His hands were white-knuckled as he gripped the steering wheel. She ached inside for him, and she longed to relieve him of the tension that he felt, but she also ached a little for herself, because he refused to spare her even a glance before he jammed the hummer into gear and slammed his foot against the gas pedal.

The vehicle shot forward. Staring straight ahead, Meredith gripped the edges of her seat during the bone-rattling, teeth-jarring ride that followed. She tensed, her body instinctively preparing itself for disaster as they drove over the winding trail that passed for a road.

Derek muttered an angry word minutes later and slowed the hummer. Meredith sighed with relief as the trailer came into view. She earned a searing look of disdain from Derek before he retuned his attention into driving. The prospect of being alone with Derek in the trailer suddenly frightened her. Not because she feared that he might harm her physically, but because of the emotional vulnerability she still felt around him.

She reminded herself what she was here for. She knew in her heart that she couldn't fix what had happened to their marriage. But she was here to right a wrong. He slammed his foot against the brake pedal, and Meredith grabbed the dashboard with both hands. The vehicle slid forward several feet and came to a shuddering halt in front of the trailer.

Derek stalked into the trailer without a word or a backward glance. She followed him, then felt the hardness of his gaze as she stepped inside. Wrapping her arms around her waist, Meredith sat on the couch as she looked around the interior. It was small, but it was clean and she almost let out a smirk at that. He was always a neat freak. Maybe some things really never change.

He paused at the center of the trailer and shrugged free of his rain cost and tossed it the side rather forcefully. She lifted her surprise-filled eyes to his face, aware that her response to his rudeness showed in her face. He vibrated with hostility. She remembered how gentle and sophisticated he once was. She recalled how he had took hours making sure his hair was perfect and his face shaved clean. Gone now was his charismatic personality. Meredith didn't recognize or understand this Derek Shepherd.

His hard gaze showed his obvious distrust of her motives. Staring at him, she fought the emotion clogging her throat and blink back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. His silence wore on her nerves, but she brought herself under control and admitted, "I called the parole board. They gave me the name of your parole officer. He told me you were living out here. He said I shouldn't bother you."

"You should have listened to him. He knows how I feel about you."

"He called you, didn't he?"

"Does it matter?"

She exhaled, the sound a reflection of her unease. "Probably not, but you need to hear what I have to say."

His expression unreadable, he watched her for several minutes before he spoke. "Save your apologies, Meredith. I don't want anything from you, especially false sentiments you'll forget as soon as you leave. You were a treacherous bitch when I needed you six years ago, so I'm really very grateful that our life together is a part of the past. I've forgotten it, and I suggest you do the same."

His words scraped across her emotions like a serrated blade of a scalpel. She shot to her feet, color flooding her cheeks. "I haven't done anything wrong, so I'm not offering you an apology. And I didn't come here to talk about our marriage, because I know it's over. You made your feelings very clear when you divorced me. I also don't expect anything to change between us." Meredith squared her shoulders. "What I do expect is civility. I'm not the enemy, and you aren't the only one who was hurt by what happened six year ago."

Derek stabbed her with a killing glance and then began to stalk the interior of the trailer. Meredith kept a close eye on him as he paced the small space of the trailer. He reminded her of a caged animal wanting to be freed.

He finally approached her. She sidestepped him, then instantly regretted acting in such skittish manner. She felt a moment's relief when Derek ignored her, reached for the switch that turned that heater on.

Her eyes stayed fastened on him as he straightened and gazed out the window. She saw the angular line of his profile and that his jaws were clamped together. Meredith stopped breathing, mesmerized by his closeness. Holding perfectly still she waited for him to step away. But he didn't. Instead, he turned and peered down at her, his expression so jaded and suspicious that she couldn't think of anything to say. She'd never felt smaller or more vulnerable. Her heart raced beneath her ribs and she trembled as her own inner apprehension raced up her spine. But still she couldn't drag her eyes from him. She felt transfixed by the firm contours of his features, the pulse throbbing in his temple and the cynicism that marred the shape of his lips.

She couldn't help wondering what it would be like to touch him now, to feel the differences in his body with her fingertips, to experience once again his passionate nature, even though she sensed the extent of the risk to her emotions if she gave in to this impulse. Her sexual instincts, silent since his imprisonment, called out. She still wanted him.

Don't touch me! She nearly screamed when she saw the unexpected glitter of raw sexual need flare in the depths of his eyes. Oh God, don't even think of using me, because I'd die if you dishonored the memory of what we once felt for each other.