Chapter Nine

so last chapter... i know, sad...

"Olivia?" he asked unsure whether what he was seeing was real. Kathy slipped out unnoticed, understanding the importance of this conversation. That act was unnecessary, however, because Olivia suggested they go outside, in case they fought. She didn't want to wake up the kids. Elliot just nodded to this and followed Olivia, unable to think of words to say.

"Hi, Elliot," she said shifting her eyes to the ground and leaning against the banister. She could smell the scent of stale beer. His eyes were bloodshot. Lack of sleep and weeks of worry were etched into his face.

"I'm so glad you're alright!" he said, "I'm so sorry I cornered you instead of just asking- and then I forced you to tell-but you didn't want to… I shouldn't have pushed you…"

"No, Elliot, none of this is your fault. None. I came here tonight to fix this. This mess it's just… it's gotten way out of control and I want to come clean. You deserve the whole truth from me," she said with difficulty choosing words.

Elliot sat down on the steps in front of his house. He beckoned Olivia to join him in their favorite place; side by side on a porch, mending each other's broken hearts. Olivia joined him and as soon as she sat down, he hugged her. She rested her head on his shoulder and let all the tears fall. With the tears, her pain, the burden she had been carrying, all fell away. She felt renewed. She felt as if she was in the right place. Telling Elliot would cleanse her for good, though she knew it would have to come over time, not just now...

"Elliot, you deserve the truth. I've been hiding it from you. I'll start from the beginning. Months before joining this unit, I had my first miscarriage. I went into a deep depression from which I thought I would never recover. I thought change would do some good, and I was right. You took me in as a friend right from the start. Just when I thought I had picked up all the pieces, my mother died. That's when my depression worsened. I thought I could hide my own problems by fixing others. I persuaded everyone that I was truly happy, and to some degree I was, but I convinced myself that I was happier than I actually was. I was just denying it though."

"Olivia, if I had known…" he began to say but then realized she wasn't over, "Liv, what is it?"

"My second miscarriage… That was why I was out for such a long time all those years ago. I was a couple months pregnant before I had some complications. This time, I wasn't even aware until it happened. The father was a lawyer in Queens. He didn't stick around anyway so I guess it didn't matter…" she was silent for a while. Elliot let her have that silence. She was mourning for each of her possible children and he couldn't imagine how this felt to her.

When she had collected herself enough, Olivia continued, "When I found out I was pregnant for a third time, this was recent," she added to Elliot, "I hoped this would be the one. You know, I'd never really had a real family… Well it was halfway through my undercover operation that I found out. It grew healthily, though. I was actually going to have a baby, or so I thought. Soon tests started to show complications again. They suggested therapeutic abortion through all sorts of methods. They said there was no way the baby would live and if I tried I could die with it. It turns out there was something wrong with me; it was hereditary. I never really paid attention to the doctors. I didn't want to," her voice got bitter; "Of course that would be the only thing my mother has ever given me."

Elliot tightened his grip on Olivia. Tears were falling from his eyes unwillingly. He wanted to be strong for her, but couldn't help it. Feeling the pain with her was the most he could do. He couldn't take any of it back.

"As soon as I neared forty hey told me to stop trying. The baby wouldn't be healthy from my medical problems already and there was twice as much risk as I got older. I couldn't believe it when the doctor told me. I didn't understand how he could say that to me objectively. He just told me the facts as if he were telling me when to sign up for another appointment. That simple…"

Olivia shook her head, "Anyway, I can't have kids. Ever. I'm officially unable to conceive. I don't know why I hid that from you… or the depression. I just didn't think you'd approve and I was ashamed."

"Olivia, I've never told you this. I love you. I hope you trust me later in the future. You mean everything to me and I wish you didn't have to suffer alone. Please, for both of our sakes; let me help you carry that burden.

Olivia looked into his blue eyes and knew in time they'd heal. They'd help each other through all the hard times. It doesn't mean everything will perfect, it doesn't mean they won't fight and doubt, it just means they'll do everything in their power to prevent it. Time and trust would see to it that things will be different.

hey ya'll, if you're thinking the ending was kind of abrupt and i could've finsihed the fic better... well don't freak out! i feel a sequal coming on. just give me some time to replenish my creative juices. between fics, videos, and art, my creativity level has been lowered to that of a 2 year old. let me rest and i promise you i'll have a sequal that wraps everythign up with more EO than just omg "Olivia is in sooo much pain" and "ohhh no will she recover?" and stuff...

so to wrap it up, there will be a sequal eventually, but the epi is tonight and i want to watch. right now, though american idol auditions are on then i will be watching house and i need a little bit of a break. i dont write very many fics... this took a lot of energy from me.

hey if you like my fics, go to youtube[dotcom/csivegasfreak, watch my videos and comment

thanks guys, review please and tell me what you think, though im expecting people to be angry about the end...