Chapter Five:

Oh, the fuckin' irony! Yes, I mean fuckin'. The perv came to bail ME out of jail! I'm never going to live this one down…

So after chastising me in front of the cops (cuz, ya know, he wanted to at least seem like a mature adult. Mature my ass) he slapped me on the back once we got out of earshot and gave me a talk about how streaking was how it all got started for him. AHH!

shudder

So logically, I need to find out who took my clothes (because clearly, Hina-chan isn't pervy like that) and make that bastard suffer the wrath of Ra-Man! Wow, I'm amazing!

Naruto sat in Chemistry 101, ignoring Orochimaru-sensei per usual. Sasuke watched Naruto draw ligers and UFOs in the margins of his notebook.

"—now, when you're ready, call me over and I will give you the acid," Orochimaru continued.

Naruto yawned and lifted his shirt a bit to scratch at a point just above his belly button. Sasuke glared at him. "Oi, Dobe. Are you going to get the alkaline idodide or do a striptease?"

Naruto stuck his middle finger at him.

"Uzumaki," whispered a voice at his ear, "do I need to send you to the dean?"

Naruto gulped, turning around to meet the golden eyes of his professor, "N-no sir!" he squeaked out. Orochimaru "hmphed" and walked away to Shino's and Hinata's bench.

"I seriously don't know what he's talking about! All this talk about acids and titration and all I see is pink lemonade." He looked over at a bottle holding light pink fluid, smartly missing the "POISONOUS—HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED" label.

"Whatever," Sasuke said. "As long as you don't eat anything… Orochimaru, we're ready for the acid."

"Show some respect, Sasuke-kun," he hissed while handing him a small brown bottle. Naruto leaned back in his seat complaining about how thirsty he was. Sasuke uncorked the bottle and scooped some of the crystals out.

"Okay, so now we have to put this in the bottle with the two percent light…"

Naruto inched over and examined the substance. "Hmmm… looks like sugar."

Sasuke seemed not to hear him as he left to the other side of the room to get some starch indicator. He also seemed to miss Naruto putting sulfuric acid into the pink manganous sulfate. He came just in time to see Naruto put the bottle to his lips.

"No, you idiot! Don't drink that!"

Too late.

Orochimaru turned to see Naruto become a rather pale color. "I really should just let him die and win a Darwin Award," he muttered, "but then I'd get fired."

Several people had already dialed 9-1-1 with various versions of how Naruto had managed to ingest poisonous substances in a chemistry class.

"Poke your uvula and vomit, fool!" Orochimaru shouted, not caring that the method of poison removal might damage Naruto's throat and possibly affect his ability to speak.

"My what?" Naruto gasped.

"The dangly thing in the back of your throat!"

Naruto, who was in immense pain, questioned nothing and shoved his fingers down his throat and, triggering the gag reflex, felt rather unpleasant substances spill down his digits. Every girl in the class without fail, immediately said, "ew."

"You, Haruno," Orochimaru said, pointing a long finger at Sakura. "Take the boy out to meet the ambulance." An evil look silenced all protest.

"What am I supposed to do?" Karin, Sakura's lab partner, whined.

"Work with Sasuke."

"YESSSSS!"

"Konoha Modeling Agency's New Model in Controversy," Gaara read out loud from a newspaper. "What is this shit?"

"You know, if the newspaper depresses you so much, you should stop reading it," Shikamaru said from the floor where he collapsed just moments before, claiming it was too difficult to sit in the tooth-shaped chair that Naruto insisted on bringing into the dorm room.

"No, read this crap about Naruto being poisoned by Uchiha!"

"Can't you read it to me?" Shikamaru asked.

Gaara glared at him. "Read it."

"Fine, stop giving me your death stare, freaking emo." Shikamaru snatched the paper and propped himself up on his elbows to read. It took him only a few minutes to read, but it would have taken less time if he hadn't been complaining throughout the experience. "Wow, you're right. This is crap. And the Sakura speculation too."

"It's going to go to his head," Gaara said.

"Maybe Kiba should hit him again," Shikamaru replied from the floor.

"Umm, Sasuke-kun?" A pink-haired girl sat down next to a black-haired boy. He turned his head a bit to the left.

"Haruko-san, right?"

The girl blushed and straightened out her yellow skirt. "Actually, it's Haruno. Haruno Sakura."

"Hn."

"…"

"…"

"…?"

"What do you want?"

Sakura jumped up a little in surprise. "Oh, I… uh. I just wanted to let you know that I, um… I don't think you poisoned Naruto, Sasuke-kun!"

"Is that all?"

"Well, I—"

"Then I'm leaving. I don't need your sympathy." He got up and brushed off his pants.

"Wait! Sasuke!" Sakura called out to his retreating form. "Sasuke-kun." Sakura stared up at the sky to keep her tears from falling.

"Oi! OI! Sakura-chan!"

"N-Naruto, what are you doing here?" She quickly brushed her hand against her cheeks to clear away any treacherous tears that might have left a stain.

"Well, I was feeling much better, ya know, and I was wondering if maybe you'd wa—"

"Naruto, do you want to go out on a date with me?"

All hell broke loose.

Kakashi drummed his fingers on his desk. He wasn't happy. No… that was an understatement. He was livid. "Sometimes I wonder if you're as stupid as the Uzumaki idiot," he told Sasuke quietly.

Sasuke fumed with a silent rage.

"This incident is not good for publicity which has already gone to hell in a hand basket anyway!"

"I didn't poison the moron. He poisoned himself," Sasuke said scathingly, staring Kakashi down over his fashionable Swedish desk.

"You know what, I don't really care. Right now we have to save your goddamn image."

"And how do you propose that?" Sasuke asked.

Kakashi flipped through a tabloid on the desk; the front was a picture of a very familiar, pink-haired girl that Sasuke couldn't place.

"You want me to read trashy excuses for newspapers?"

"The girl," Kakashi said impatiently. "Her name is Haruno Sakura. She's at the school you hate. Ring any bells?" There was a long pause. "Moron. Anyway, the press is making her and Uzumaki out to be a couple. But if you date her, the publicity from that will put you back on top."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Sasuke said flatly.

"It's your career. But, hey, if you don't want to be a model anymore I can try to beat out Anko as Uzumaki's agent," Kakashi said sarcastically.

Sasuke glowered and left without saying a word, but Kakashi knew he had made his point very clearly. The door slammed shut and Kakashi shook his head. "Maybe the Uzumaki boy would be better than him."

"So, is this good?"

Gaara turned around on his bed to face the questioner, hand in a rather large box of chocolate chip cookies.

"So," said Naruto, "what d'ya think?"

Gaara promptly started choking on a cookie.

"Whaaaat?!"

"You look like second year Draco Malfoy." Naruto had slicked his hair back and was wearing a tuxedo. "Did you let Hidan do your hair or something?" Gaara continued. Hidan was a senior who was well-known for his religious mania and large amount of hair gel. In short, people liked to throw shit at him and set off one of his swearing tangents.

As Naruto opened his mouth (perhaps to go on a swearing tangent of his own) Gaara swiftly interrupted him. "What the hell are you dressed like that for anyway?"

Naruto immediately brightened, metaphorical pink hearts in his eyes. "I have a date with Sakura-chaaaaaan!"

Gaara gaped openly at him. "…"

"Why do you look so surprised?" Naruto asked innocently.

The wheels in Gaara's mind were turning and he knew that what was happening was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. She was using him. SO very wrong. Wrong. Goddamn it all. Wrong!

"Hey! Where are you going?" Naruto shouted as Gaara left with the box of cookies. "You didn't say what you thought! I wanted one of those cookies!"

Gaara found Shikamaru asleep on the sofa in the common room. A handle-bar mustache and a matching goatee had been drawn on his face with a sharpie. Gaara woke him up. "Damn, you weren't even drunk this time," he said, handing the boy a cookie.

"Eh. Got a mirror?"

"Yes, because I carry mirrors around with me all the time," Gaara replied sarcastically.

Shikamaru groaned. "So why am I awake?"

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "It has to do with a certain blonde."

"Not Ino again. Every time we have a "study session," she keeps running her hand up my leg and—"

"It's not Ino," Gaara interrupted tersely.

"Temari?"

"Naruto, you fool!"

Shikamaru got up off the sofa and stretched. "Oh. Surprise, surprise. What did he do now?"

"He's going on a date. Guess who?"

"I'm guessing it's not Hinata, or else you wouldn't look this emotionless."

"It's Haruno. Sakura Haruno."

"Oh," Shikamaru said, catching on. "Yeah, that could prove problematic."

"Hn," Gaara added helpfully.

"So naturally, we have to go save his ass, again."

"Hn," Gaara agreed.

"I would recommend not telling Lee. He's not particularly good with this sort of thing."

"So I'll call when he heads out."

"Yeah. By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a moist towellette?" Shikamaru asked, pointing to his new facial hair.

"Oh, yes. I keep those next to my mirror."

"Sarcastic emo."

"Your point?"

Dear Kyuubi,

I don't have much time to talk since I'm about to go on the most awesomest night of my life. And if you can't tell what that could possibly be, then you're on drugs. Or stupid. Or don't pay attention. Or a lot of other nasty things I can't think of right now because I'm too busy thinking about what will happen tonight.

Anyway, I really ought to go like now. I'm supposed to meet Sakura-chan outside her dorm in five minutes. And anyway, Gaara is giving me really weird looks and not sharing the cookies. He stormed off a minute ago and then came back telling funny stories about how Shikamaru got sharpied again.

I have no more time for you, Kyuubi. Peace out!

Authors' Note: Hey Everyone. First of all we have an enormous apology. We realize it's been over three months since we've updated. We blame the fact that it was summer and thus we didn't have any classes to ignore together. Now however, school is back and so is this story. We'll try to be better about updating, but it takes awhile for us both to have time to write. Anyway, we sincerely hope you enjoyed this chapter of "That's What She Said" and we thank every one who stuck through the long gaps in updating. Sonja and Steph :)