Title:mEntal
SEX
chapt: 1/? Preppy Gothic Spitters
Auther:kittypon
gener: drama?
characters:
MiyavixKai ReitaxKai maybe more...
disclaimer: dont own
Miyavi, or The GazettE
warnings: mental talk,
depression
rating: pg13-ish
summary: Kai is
worried for Miyavi. Somethings wrong. It would seem
Miyavi has finally gone crazy. Can Kai help him? Or will he
only end up making things worse? Can stress really do this to a
person?
syn: "…. I just think, your going through
something at the moment Miyavi…"
comments: i kittypon,
have finally figured out how to post my own fic!!!! yesh, kk then,
ANYWAY! i have been wanting to write something like this for a long,
long time now. please give it a chance.
It's raining today...
I like it when it rains.
Things seem, much calmer. Ya know?
I like stepping into the puddles and walking under the rain feeling it splash against my face while I close my eyes and spin around.
Slowly.
Slowly.
I rarely get to walk out into town. And when I do it's for business. So, I try to enjoy it. Walking around and looking at the people. It's started to catch up to me... Staying in the house all the time.
I used to never want to leave. It was my safe heaven... Away from them...
... It started with spit.
When she spit at my face... I remember. So clearly.
I stood there, holding my face trying to wipe the spit out my eyes.
The girl who spit at my face and sneered. "Get away from us you emo freak!"
Emo...?
"Didn't you hear me? Get, LOST!"
Why would they call me that? What did I do? I did nothing, nothing wrong to them... I was just passing by, wha--
"HEY! Can you not hear me!?"
"Whoa, Tammy, it's cool. He's not bothering us." One of the prep boys lightly touched the girls shoulder. She snatched away before glaring to me and walking away, the group following after her laughing.
I watched and glared.
I hated her.
I hated that bitch.
She always did such mean things to me yet I dont know why...
She and her friends would kick dirt at me, or throw my things over the school gate. They would dump my things to the floor. Or just push it off my desk and kick it out side while every one left.
She was the one, who made my high school years hell...
The first time I go to a public school. I was so pumped. I remember... I remember the first day I was there, the cursing. So much cursing coming from kids my age and younger. I couldn't believe it.
It was the first day of my public school and high school that she walked up to me all happy and smiling. She wanted to show me around when I told her I was new.
We laughed, and talked and not 3 hours of us getting to know each other. She gets into a fight... No, an argument really.
I learned a long time ago... People in this part of town, are too afraid to raise their fist to one another.
It's all just words.
Words that sting and leave you more sore on the inside than any hit to the stomach.
She was arguing empty threats and so was the girl in front of her. Tammy, I learned her name, finally turned and left.
I was quick to follow her afraid of what the other girl might do to me and slightly shaken at all the cursing there was. I quickly followed her to the bathroom where she started to cry, afraid that the other girl would want to fight her.
I was surprised.
The way how Tammy acted like she could beat anyone who got in her way. I soon found out that day it was all just talk.
A load of bull.
I also learned on that day not to trust people.
Tammy, looked to me with teary eyes then asked me something I will never forget.
She wanted me to fight her fight.
I looked to her for a long minute before laughing. I told her that that other girl, who I found out name was Allana. Didn't seem like she wanted anything with her.
And there started the back and forth runners game. I was the messenger running from Tammy to Allana. I told Allana about Tammy in the bathroom.
She was very rude to me and told me she didn't care about that bitch. She then told me not to trust Tammy. To stay away from her if I knew what was good for me.
I didn't want to hurt Tammy's feelings so I ignored Allana and continued to go with Tammy.
God I wish I had listened.
I think, It was about 3 weeks into the school year when Tammy suddenly announced that we were best friends.
She asked me if I agreed and I hesitated.
I had remembered my dad telling me how he had no friends. He was too busy and at his age he could care less. He tole me all his friends from high school were really aquaintances and once high school was over you will forget them and move on with your life...
God, how much he was wrong...
So, I told her we were aquaintances. And that is when everything turned to hell.
She glared at me talking about not being good enough then started on her long arguments she usually has against girls who dont like her...
Witch I found out was about most of the school...
She then screamed. "Fine, we are not friends, and never will be friends. I hate you, you fucking bitch!"
And then she turned and slammed the locker room doors to the girls.
At first her words stung. No one had ever called me such a mean thing before. But then, I got over it and thought how much she was over reacting.
God, I just wish... Something like this didn't happen.
Well, she started making my life hell. She would take any friends I tried making throughout the year and somehow turned them against me.
People didn't want to have anything to do with me because I used to be Tammy's friend. She was a lying scank and the whole school agreed so too.
Yet I didn't learn these things till it was too late. I had no friends, and started working in the lunch room so that I didn't have to sit alone anymore.
I became the lunch ladies favorite.
So my first year of high school, no friends, alone, and, my grades were failing...
The second year was just worse. That was the year where the people in the school started to gang up on me. They started to pick on me. Evil things...
I became depressed.
I didn't want to do things anymore.
The things they did to me...
The things they said to me...
I had noticed a group of people from last year and took up the courage to talk to them... At first, they didn't want anything to do with me... They would avoid me and try butting me out.
Everyone did.
But they didn't seem to care that I stayed. So I tried.
But it became too painful.
Too painful to be sitting in the group, and not being able to talk since they wouldn't listen... I didn't know the people they were talking about. And, it was hard to talk when people obviously didn't want you there...
By then, I had stopped using my voice completely. There was no need to talk.
No one to talk to.
People would harass me into getting them free lunch since I was working in the lunch room again. So I tried stopping and got used to going to class hungry.
My parents, weren't the richest. And, they had started arguing... I felt stuck...
Both of my worlds were hell. And there was no way I could avoid them. Waking up was getting harder and harder to do...
I would go to school and get harassed. Then home to my parents who would argue and my controlling mother...
There was no safe place to go except my room with my computer. So every free time I would go on the computer and chat. Or play games, or read. I stopped watching tv.
I stopped talking to my parents.
I would be semi happy in my quiet room.
My parents wanted me out. But I didn't. I went to my room to get away from them.
At school, I met this guy. He was usually in the group, but he would never talk to me.
Until one day.
He came up to me and asked my why I always looked so sad. I blinked up to him confused on why he was talking to me. "... Why are you talking to me?" I asked softly my voice not used to talking anymore.
He smiled. "You were looking kind of sad there..."
He sat next to me and for the first time in a long time.
I smiled.
He was very nice to me… He would talk to me, and smile to me. And I was so happy that someone was finally talking to me.
But then I noticed something.
While, yes, he would talk to me. He would also treat me differently from his other friends. Like, he would talk to me, then get easily distracted and talk to his friends.
I noticed.
And, after awhile I wasn't so happy any more.
I noticed that, after awhile he seemed to forget about me. He wouldn't talk to me as much, he would stop saying hello to me.
And then I found out why.
It was the girls.
They were always all over him, and this made me mad. I don't know why it made me mad. But it did. I would see him walking and a big group of girls would be following him. He would be laughing and smiling…
Then pass by me.
Without even looking.
Without hearing my hello over the loud chattering of girls.
And that was when I found out it was jealousy I was feeling. And the reason why I was feeling jealous was because.
I really did like him.
I liked Anthony.
More than just a friend.
Now I was confused and scared, but I continued on as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to get closer to Anthony, so I started trying getting closer to the crowd.
As soon as I walked two steps past my usual 3ft from the crowd they all gave me evil glares. But I continued to try to push my way in.
Even though the glares and obvious ignoring stung my heart every time. I still tried. I still wanted to get closer to Anthony. To get the chance to tell him how I truly felt for him. I started listening, I started watching closely to what the goth crowd said. I learned and soon would be able to stand in with them without getting too many evil glares.
I was happy. It took a few months but I was worth it. No one still talked to me. And Anthony was just getting farther and farther away.
I was quite happy to find out one day that Anthony was bi. That meant that I had a chance! I could get him to like me! I was so happy to hear those words come from his mouth.
But, then I looked down to myself.
Then to the pretty popular girls that would follow him around.
Then back to myself and wanted to cry.
Those girls were so pretty… More pretty than me of course. They were as skinny as poles, with long hair and wore makeup all the time who wore name branded clothes and held purses...
I had no chance against them. Especially since they hang out with him pretty much every second.
This made me cry even harder. It didn't help when I one day walked into the bathroom and saw how much I was slouching. I had remembered doing this fun class about teaching kids and how to take care of money that was my mom's idea to get me out the house. I remember playing a game.
It was the teacher's idea.
We were supposed to find something about ourselves that we didn't like and tell them to our partner. I remember the girl I was with, told me that she didn't like her hair. It was too poofy.
I then told her, that I slouch.
The teacher walked up to us and asked what our thing was. The girl told her about her hair. The teacher frowned telling her that that was nothing. That hair was hair, that she had to have something real and big…
I honestly didn't think my slouching was so bad. Yeah, my mom would nag me about it…
But when I told the teacher. She started going. "Good, yes, now that is something. Slouching is something connected to having low self confidence, you don't hold yourself high. Depression…"
I blinked to her. She was hitting me right on the spot. Everything that she said screamed ME, ME, ME.
I was silent for the rest of the class…
So, when I walked into the bathroom and saw my reflection I gasped.
I was so hunched over.
I had never caught myself slouching before! This was the first time I had ever seen myself slouch!
It was so bad!
I looked as if I was an old man carrying bricks with arthritis in his spine!
I quickly straightened up wincing at the pain in my back and shoulders and blinked in amazement.
That was really me.
Slouching.
But, that wasn't a slouch. That was a full out bend down and touch your toes. Now I really wanted to cry.
Who would like someone like me?
And now once I looked, I was kind of chubby too. There was flabby skin around my stomach. I guess I had noticed it before. But I really didn't care. But now, for some reason it was really bothering me. Why I don't know. But it was.
I was embarraced about my body now. I only had a few clothes since my parents won't go shopping for me. She's too selfish.
But when I got home, I started to stretch out all my shirts and would tighten my belt on my pants.
I dropped all thoughts of telling Anthony anything.
I just watched him from a distance now. I dropped from the goth crowd and started hanging by myself again.
Time passed. More rumors spread by Tammy of me. One that really got to people was when she said I was related to the great jrock god Gackt. Just because she saw me with a picture of my uncle getting a CD sighned by him.
People really didn't like that.
They just shunned me even more.
Another one, towards the end of my second year. Was that me and Tammy were going to fight. By now, I was learning how to speak up when people would try to hurt me. I would tell them to go away. Or I would say hello. I had to learn quickly how to fight back, and curse out the other. I learned from just watching… But it was not enough.
I started skipping my classes to avoid people. I would hide to avoid people. I stopped caring for my work. I didn't care anymore. I was taking depression medicine. And going to therapy…
Well, actually by now my mom had stopped taking me. It seems her and my therapist were talking behind my back. That the therapist I was being too hard. Too much denial. That I didn't need to go to therapy any more.
But you see, she never asked me.
She never asked. "Miyavi, I honestly don't think you need therapy any more… Would you like to quit soon?"
Even though I would say I didn't need therapy. I really liked going. Someone was talking to me, yet I knew once they got home they would forget about me and worry about their own life. But, at least someone was talking to me. I could stay sane…
But they didn't ask.
And I didn't stay sane it seems. I made friends, in my head. There was Toby, Dante, Daina, and Tracy…
It was just us… I would talk out loud to them, or talk silently in my head. They would make me laugh, or make me think.
Well, soon my parents found out about me skipping. They decided on something that would change my life forever. They decided to put me in military school.
This I didn't like.
But thats another story, for another time...
By now, the harassing was very bad. Teachers wouldn't do anything. I stopped going to my classes. I had F's in almost every class. No A's, no B's, not even any C's… Just F's and D's. I have given up on Anthony, and felt numb to the world. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It didn't matter to me. I had started to forget about my only friends in my mind.
I was alone again.
I didn't want to go to military school. I wasn't a bad kid. Just alone. I was antisocial… I don't know.
But now you know.
Now you know, at least something… My past I try to forget, just like my dad said. You will forget about your past, forget about the people and move on. But I havn't forgotten about them. I still remember them, what they did to me. How I felt.
All these years.
I still remember them.
And then she spit at me. She spit at me.
And I snapped.
I walk slowly down the street my arms out like airplane wings and I make the engine sound with my mouth as I step into the puddles.
Splish
Splash
Splish
Splash.
This is me now. Oh boy, oh boy…. So much you've grown. You made it to 18. What do you have to say to that?
I stop. "… I am not retarded…"
….. So you say, but the one who is retarded. How would they know?
I frown. "… I am not, retarded…. Just, I don't know…."
Splish
Splash
Splish
Splash.
There are too many people in the world. Too many brains, too many minds, too much, it's too much. What was any god thinking when he allowed such a thing as birth from the ass of a bitch? It shouldn't be. There are too many people.
"And it's just 2008."
Can you believe it? We kill the ozone every day. We cut the trees every day, we sink the Atlantic everyday.
'Thank you.' Is what the world is saying to us. 'And damn you all.'
"To hell we'll all go. No mercy, no mercy."
Splish
Splash
Step
Step
Step.
Down the cold stairs to the train we go…
"I don't remember needing to go down here… Ah! Look! Over there, it's one of those spinning doors!" I feel the people stare at me but ignore it as I run to the doors and start spinning them around. I don't care about the people frowning on the other side wanting to come in.
I stopped caring long ago…
I suddenly feel the doors stop and is confused yet too dizzy to be angry. Something grabs the back of my rain coat and I am pulled away.
Wazzat?
"I don't know…" I giggle feeling the earth spin and twist and before I know it my face is being shoved down a trash can as I get sick.
Do not fear, nothing is here!
"Ugh, that wasn't very fun…"
Before I know it I'm getting pulled again by who I don't know and I am getting shoved through the train gates. A train pulls up, I don't get to see where it's going and is shoved inside. I am starting to get tired of the shoving and pull away walking to a seat and sitting down right next to the window.
… It's so cold, but so nice at the same time. I love the rain. Things just seem. Different. It's very nice.
I frown and glare at a girl who passes by. I look to her knees seeing how they go in. Then her waist as that goes in too. Her body and arms are small, and she wears tight genes.
"Bitch…" I mumble under my breath as she walks away. I already don't like her. I could tell that she would be a mean snotty person. She may look innocent, with her, makeup and tight genes and little top with boots that go to her calves. But I know, she really is a mean and evil person. She looks just like those girls at high school.
I say this to every pretty girl who passes by. I see their little hourglass waist and lanky knees and tight genes and makeup. And I already don't like them. I already know. There stupid, spoiled, rude, slu—
"Miyavi… Hey, Miyavi."
I blinked and look over to the person next to me. "… Kai? When did you get here?"
Kai looked to me. "Miyavi, you have been following me all this time." He pulled out a hanky from his coat and started to wipe the vomit from the corners of my mouth. "Are you ok? I have been trying to talk to you for the past hour and you have just been walking in your own little world." He said worridly.
I just blink to him. "… Where are we going?" Kai looked to me strange for a long minute before sighing. "We are going to that recording building Miyavi… Don't you remember?"
I frowned. "No, and stop calling me that." Kai ran a hand through his hair. "But that's your name Miyavi…"
"No, I'm not. Miyavi is a cool singer guy. I'm just. Just ugly fat guy…. " Kai sighed again and leaned back into his chair as the train started to move. I clapped excitedly. "Look, look! Were moving!" I said loudly. Some people glared to me while other just glance over.
I noticed Kai staring at me from the corner of my eye but ignored it as I watched the scenery pass by. I was bouncing when a sudden wave of depression washed over me and I immediately calmed down. "… Kai?" Kai opened one of his eyes having closed them awhile ago. "Hmm?"
I continued to stare down at the tracks of the train. "… Do you think, I'm retarded?"
Kai straitened up and looked to me. "…. I just think, your going through something at the moment Miyavi…"
I pursed my lips and gripped at the window. "… You didn't answer my question." Kai sighed and suddenly I was being pulled back and laid against Kai's chest as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head. "No Miyavi, your not retarded."
"Then whats wrong with me Kai?" I asked softly as I looked out the window to the gray sky as rain drops continued to fall. Kai held me tighter. "…. Your, just going through something right now. Something in your head, that even you are having trouble figuring out." He kissed the top of my head again as tears welled up in my eyes then rolled down my face. "Miyavi, whats wrong?"
I sniffed. "Kai, I havn't been very honest with you lately." Kai was silent. "… What do you mean Miyavi?" I swallowed. "I havn't been taking my pills." Kai sighed and just kissed my head again this time not pulling away and just resting there. "… That's why your feeling so depressed at the moment Miyavi." He said gently before his hand slid down to my own and squeezed it.
"Is there any thing els you want to tell me?" I shook my head no but Kai saw right through my lie. "… You, aren't cutting are you?" He asked moving yellow rain coat sleeves down to expose my clean wrist. "You, aren't smoking too much are you?" I shook my head no while he dug in my coat pockets for my pack of cigs.
He counted them then nodded giving them back to me. "… You've been eating right?" He asked. I shook my head yes while he moved his hands down to unzip my raincoat to gently rub my stomach then making me purr gently before he pressed making me squirm.
"Ouch!"
Kai sighed. "Miyavi, you lied. You havn't been eating." I flicked the cig box open and closed. "… I'm too fat any way." I mumbled. "Miyavi! Don't say that! Your starving yourself again! Don't make me tell Reita." My eyes went wide and I quickly sat up. "NO! Please don't tell, please Kai please."
Kai looked to me for a long minute before sighing. "Fine, but when we get off the train I'm buying you something to eat. When was the last time you ate?" I bit my lip wring trying to remember. "… Tuesday." Kai frowned. "Yeah, it's Thursday now." He sighed. "Miyavi, you cant keep doing this to yourself… Your hurting yourself."
I just looked to him before sadly looking down to my yellow rain coat. Why am I wearing this? Only retarded people wear bright colors like this. I'm only making things worse. People will so think I'm a retard!
I sniffed feeling as tears fell down my cheek then warmth as Kai pulled me back into his chest. "Miyavi, it's ok… It's fine." He pulled my face up then gave me a peck on the lips. "I love you. You know that right?" I nodded then laid my head on his chest while he held me. "Yes, I know…"
But I don't know why…
hmmmmmmmm, give lots of comments please! tell me what your thinking! dont be shy!