Episode Three: Psycho Pyro Xemnas' Comment Box
A/N: Don't know how many more of these I'll make. I think this one's better than the last.
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Dear Xemnas the Superior,
I've been having some problems lately. You don't buy enough cigarettes and snacks, and I've been feeling a little edgy. And by edgy I mean that I accidentally caught Roxas on fire when he told me he didn't want to share his cheese curls. Please schedule a trip to the gas station into your list of 'things to do' soon, before I accidentally go a touch pyromaniac on the Organization's ass.
-Axel, Number VIII
PS: I'll start with Marluxia's garden.
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Dear Superior,
How…How could you let this happen!? It was alright when he caught Roxas on fire, but…but my garden! My therapists specifically said that I should tend to my garden more than my physical needs! I haven't eaten in three days just to make sure my little batch of babies were healthy and happy! And then…then you just let him come in and torch the place!? Why!? WHY DO YOU HATE ME!? I'm going to start cutting myself. I have so much anger and hate on the inside! I'LL TEACH YOU! -Sob-
-Marluxia, Number XI
PS: I'm going to snort an ether right up my nose too, just you watch! I'll become bad.
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Dear Almighty Superior,
It would appear that last night, my room caught fire. I don't know who the culprit is exactly, but I will find out. I had such lovely ice sculptures inside. Once I know who this fire-demon is, I will slip poison into his food and drink. We don't want a repeat of last month, do we? I suggest you do something about Marluxia as well. He's started to rock again. Maybe you should go out and buy him a potted plant to obsess over?
-Vexen, Number IV
PS: He's started to mumble to himself as well. Maybe you should also look into a better prescription, mighty Superior?
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Dear Xemnas,
I'm going on vacation. For life. We're out of chocolate, you have been too damned lazy to go out shopping. If I don't get my chocolate for the month, our Organization will not have thirteen members, to put it simply. Axel's acting like some sort of crazy bitch and he ate all of my chocolate. I made sure he couldn't feel when I was done getting it back. He won't be able to sit down very much for the next while. I'll return when I don't want my sugary cocoa-love anymore.
-Larxene, Number XII
PS: Marluxia's damned moaning woke me up in the night. What the hell is he doing in there?
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Dear Superior,
Zexion and me's was talking earlier and we think that Axel needs junk food and cigarettes to be not crazy. Roxas needed to borrow clothes from Zexion cuz Zexion's the closest in his size and Axel lighteded all Roxas' robes on fire. Roxas is short. We thinks that you should go out and buy him some cheesy curls before he lights someone else on fire cuz I don't thinks that would be very fun at all.
-Lexeaus, Number V
PS: Has you heard from Marluxia in a while?
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Yo Mansex (haha, you can't make me stop calling you that!),
It's a good thing I heard loud noises earlier, otherwise we wouldn't have found Marly in time. I was playing Blackjack with some of those Dusks that you keep in the basement of the castle. You know, the ones you called 'Kingdom Hearts' special creations'? I think one of them had a leg sticking out of its face, but anyway; I was playing with them and I heard Marly making some funny noises. Good thing I stopped him from snorting anymore of that ether! I also wish to mention that Axel has burned all of my cards. Yeah. I'm not very happy about that…WHY DOES NOBODY APPRECIATE ME!? ALL I DO IS TRY TO CONTIBUTATE AROUND HERE!? SHEESH!
-Luxord, Number X
PS: Plz play Blackjack with me. Those Dusks were special with a capital R, they didn't know the different between the front of the card and the back!
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Xemmy, dude!
You know those explosions you heard? Not me. I did not tell Axel that I had cheesy curls in my gunpowder room(you know, the smelly place on the fourth floor). I did not lock him in there when he realized there were, in fact, no cheesy curls. And in effect, he did not have a fiery temper-tantrum and ignite everything in the room. We were not the cause of those fireworks Demyx was squealing about earlier. As Axel would say--Got it memorized?
-Xigbar, Number II
PS: I think I saw Roxas trying to sneak out...
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Dear Xemmy…
Please! Please, let me go to the store! It's right next to the hospital Marluxia's at, and if I don't buy Axel cheesy curls, or even crunchy Q's, soon, he's going to burn the castle down! Why can't you just go out and buy him some snacks to hold him over? He may survive without cigarettes for a while so long as he has munchies. Heck, Xemmy, even alcohol! Please, Xemmy! He lives on a diet of that stuff, and if he doesn't have it, he greets crankier than Larxene! Oh crap--Axel's caught Demyx on fire. DEMYX, USE YOUR WATER! USE YOUR WATERRR!!!
-Roxas, Number XIII
PS: I am aware that I both wrote that and yelled that aloud.
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Dear Superior Xemnas,
I believe your plan is not only retarded, but retarded enough that it might just work. Let me repeat it, so I think I know what I'm doing. I go and 'play' with Roxas in that iron room you had placed inside the castle, and the sobs of the kid will alarm Axel, who will come in to ignite whoever it is who made his boyfriend or something cry, but during that few second gap in time, I will have disappeared out of the room through a portal, and once Axel is inside the room, we lock him in. It's sheer genius. Axel, who is too pissed off over the lack of snacks, will not think to transport himself out. If I get hurt in the midst of this, Superior, I will blame you nonetheless.
-Xaldin, Number III
PS: Thanks for letting me, ah, play with Roxas. Want to join ICUP? Interworldy Corporation for the Unionization of Pedophiles?
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Dear Xemnas,
That is it! I'm tired of listening to Xaldin wailing in his room. I don't care if his hair was burned off, I'm still bald from that stupid love potion fiasco! I AM UGGERLY-IER THAN XALDIN. -Sob- Luckily, my wig's coming in tomorrow! I'm so excited! It looks exactly like my old hairstyle! Anyway. Shut Xaldin up. It was his own stupid fault for trying your joke of a plan. Have you told him yet that it wasn't Roxas he was alone with in that room? And Axel immediately portal'd his way out of that room anyway--why did you think he wouldn't? We need some aloe soon, Xemnas, as we're running out fast. I hurt all over. You have to hit the store soon, and all of us are burnt too badly to go ourselves!
-Demyx, Number IX
PS: Well, except Zexion and Saix…Who are hiding in your room.
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Dear Almighty Superior Xemnas,
You said I could sleep in your bed, I heard you say it. Yes, maybe it was during the time we were all drugged with love potion, but you said it. Anytime, right? So, that's why I was there. Sometimes you act like I don't matter to you! And you know what? That kind of pisses me off, actually. I'd give you my heart (if I had one), but I'd bet you'd just throw it on the floor! You would, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? No, you can't have this Berserker anymore. We're through. Also, I was cheating on you.
-Saix, Number VII
PS: WITH VEXEN! DUN DUN DUN!
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Xemnas,
No he wasn't.
-Vexen, Number IV
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Almighty Superior Xemnas,
Yes I was.
-Saix, Number VII
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Xemnas,
No. He wasn't.
-Vexen, Number IV
PS: NO TAG BACKS
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Dear Xemnas,
Hurray. Whoopie. Let us celebrate. Finally, you went and bought the munchies, the cigarettes, the aloe, the playing cards, and even got me a Spiderman comic book. No, really, thanks a lot. While you were at it, though, you foolish fool, you could've gone to Hot Topic for me. I wanted Slipknot Binder paper. And ICP throw blankets. Of course, only foolish fools foolishly fooling around would make such a foolish mistake. I haven't given Axel his cheesy curls yet. I told them they were in your room. Where you are now. But they aren't. Pity you I do not.
-Zexion, Number VI
PS: Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can, spins a web, any size…
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Dear Organization XIII,
I believe you are all abusing the comment box. And in turn, you are abusing me. I hate you all. So much. DIE plzkthnks. Xigbar, the repairs are coming from your pocket. I'm not reSupplying you again. Xaldin, talk to Demyx and get the phone number for the wig place, and no, I do not want to join your freaky-ass club. Vexen, have you figured out who that insane pyromaniac is yet -Eyeroll-? Lexeaus, really, go learn how to write correctly. It hurts my brain to see your illiteracy. Zexion, if you want your emo accessories, you're getting them yourself. Saix, for the love of Kingdom Hearts, I never said you could sleep in my bed, and we aren't, nor have we ever, BEEN GOING OUT. Axel, you brought it upon yourself. I'll let you see Roxas again when you've fixed what you burned. Demyx, I don't want to know where you've been burned--really. Luxord, don't mess with the special Nobodies. They turn to cannibalism quickly. Marluxia, I suppose I'm glad you're back from the hospital. It's your room, do whatever you want…I guess…Larxene, how's Hawaii treating you? Roxas, just stay quiet. Axel can't find you in the crawlspace of Xaldin's room. Again. I hate you all. If anything like this happens AGAIN, I will go Jedi on all of your asses.