A.N.: Please don't smack me Smurf! About the peanut butter... :D
The Gay Conspiracy
Gay, gay! ALL GAY! ALL OF THEM! EVERYONE IS GAY! GAY! ALL GAAAAY!
Well, maybe not EVERY one, but Sakura was kind of having a tiny nervous breakdown. Well, inner Sakura at least.
You see, it seemed that, well, something had gotten into the water or something because she was SURE that the ratio of gay to straight was a little more lopsided than it should be in the natural world and that was compounded by the fact that the lopsidedness had only occurred on the male side of the equation.
It was unnatural damn it!! How the fuck was she supposed to find someone to fuck when all the men, especially the good ones, wouldn't have anything to do with the female side of the species??
Okay, so she could accept the fact that Sasuke had turned out gay. One could just see that one coming. It was a bit saddening, but she couldn't blame him for what had happened to him as a child. Actually, she sort of chided herself for not seeing it sooner. She'd seen his top-secret medical files…mental and sexual abuse…anal stitches…and then Orochimaru…oh god… poor thing! Of course he was gay! That was fine though. She was over it. He sort of creeped her out now anyways. Since he tried to stab her and all…
BUT NARUTO TOO?
NARUTO LIKED GIRLS! NARUTO LIKED HER! He told her! Many times! He always asked her out on dates and always used all the proper innuendo! Everything about him screamed that he liked pussy!! Heck! He was practically the most male, male she'd ever seen!
Well, except for when he transformed into a female…
Okay, so that was a little weird…
Always turning into a woman so he could…seduce…men…
Okay, so maybe he was gay all along.
Yeah. Okay. He did always say weird things about guys being good looking. And then there was his whole obsession with Sasuke, which she had admit was pretty…gay.
That was what pissed her off though. She'd finally started to move on, and was getting sort of used to all of Naruto's pursuing. Heck, she kind of liked it, and she was beginning to like him too, even though she didn't want to admit it. And Sasuke had to show up out of frigging nowhere and push Naruto over the gay edge right when she was about to finally maybe try offering him a nice little piece of the pink!
What the fuck! And it wasn't like there were many more guys to choose from either!
Sai? Gay. There was no argument there. He was sort of good looking because of his resemblance to Sasuke, but when compared side by side there was actually no comparison who was hotter. She didn't really give a crap about Sai or his sexuality anyways because, quite frankly, he was a social retard. Even more so than Naruto, and Naruto had probably the best excuse for his lack of social skills, so Sai was out of the running. No big deal.
Shikamaru? Oh no. No way. Shikamaru, thankfully, was of no interest to her. It was clear that he and Temari had a thing going on and that was fine. Sakura actually didn't really like the idea of not being able to outsmart a lover anyways, and Shikamaru, well, he was just too whiny for her taste. So no luck there. No problem.
Kiba?
Sakura had to pause to throw up in her mouth a little. Everyone knew that Kiba wasn't really interested in the female side of any species…or so she'd heard.
Ew. Just ew. Who would do such a thing?! With their DOG?!
It made her want to wretch and die.
And she had seen him at the market buying smooth peanut butter too. How fucking gross.
Okay, so anyways, that left a few options, but still, it was futile, she knew.
Shino? Well, honestly, she had no proof that he was gay, but he had bugs and bugs were not sexy. At all. Ever. Ew. Creepy crawlies equals yuck.
There was always Lee…and it was obvious that he had a rather big dick from the tight little tights he was always wearing, but Sakura just couldn't bring herself to go there under any circumstance. Plus, she could tell that Tenten had a crush on Lee and she felt that Lee at least deserved to have someone who was apparently turned on by green spandex jumpsuits. She personally could not bear it. It was a flaw that she could not accept no matter how big the dick was that was packed into them.
So that left his teammate Neji. Neji was hot. But he was gay. That's all there was to it. He had to be. She saw the way he always smiled at Naruto whenever she saw him when no one was looking. And even if by some slim chance he wasn't gay, he would probably have to marry his cousin or something for the bloodline. Hyuuga always acted like royalty anyways. They were a powerful clan and had lots of money. That and they kept their ranks firmly from within.
Poor Hinata. How pathetic she was…
Anyways, Neji was out because he was permanently unavailable.
Next there was Gaara, and first of all he was Kazekage, so no. Secondly he was quite insane and had nearly squished her with a giant sand hand. Like she was ever hooking up with him! Yeah right!
Besides, she knew that Gaara had a thing for Naruto.
You know what?
Why the fuck did everybody have to want to fuck Naruto?
OMG! Maybe it was him! Maybe he was what had turned the collective of suitable males in the village gay!
Oh well, even if that was true it still didn't solve her dilemma. It just made her more pissed off.
She needed an acceptable guy to fuck and pronto! Damn it!
Wait…wait a minute…if there was no one to fuck in her own age bracket…she'd just have to find someone older…more mature…
A face popped into her mind.
It made her feel dirty…and bad…and hot and ready at the same time…
Kakashi…
Oh Kakashi...
(Continued…)
Next time: Icha Icha Kakashi!