"Emperor, here are the budget numbers you requested."
"Oooohhhh, gimme gimme gimme!" The Emperor said, snatching the yearly review reports from Cody's hands. "Huh…that is a lot of numbers…kinda boring…making me sleepy…zzzzzz…"
"Emperor?"
"zzzz."
"Emperor?"
"AAA, cobras!" The Emperor screamed, thrashing about. "Cobras!"
"EMPEROR!"
The Emperor blinked, confused. "Wow…those night terrors are getting worse and worse." He rolled his neck. "Ok, time to focus." He stared at the sheet. "Ugh, numbers…so boring…so…"
"Why don't I just read it for you?" Cody offered.
The Emperor shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."
Cody nodded. "Ok, so these columns here represent the total amount we are budgeted by the Senate."
"Hey, could we-"
"We aren't allowed to dissolve the Senate and give the regional governors control." Cody stated. He continued on, ignoring the pouting Emperor. "Now, these columns represent our costs, including payroll, building expenses, projects and funerals for stormtroopers you kill."
"Good, good." The Emperor said, not following in the slightest.
Cody, sensing this, decided to use a different approach. "Ok, Emperor…" He pulled out two puppets from his briefcase. "This is Jimmy the Jedi and Sammy the Sith."
The Emperor reached for his lightsaber. "Execute Order 66!"
"Emperor…he isn't a real Jedi."
"…I knew that." The Emperor said.
"Now, Sammy Sith wants to open a lemonade stand, and gets Jimmy Jedi to give him 10 dollars. So he buys cups and lemonade and sugar…and when it is over, he has only 9 dollars. Now, if he gives that money back to Jimmy, a year from now…"
"Jimmy will be dead and Sammy with have a 7 foot 2 asthmatic cyborg as an apprentice?"
"…Jimmy Jedi will only give him 9 dollars, because he thinks that's how much it costs to run the lemonade stand." Cody stated. "Now, the Senate is Jimmy Jedi, and we are Sammy Sith. If we want to keep this $100,000 surplus that was have for this year, we need to spend it by today." Cody looked pleadingly at the Emperor. "I think we should get a new protocol droid…that gold one is annoying the hell out of me!"
The Emperor considered this. "Is this what the puppets want?"
Cody sighed. "Yes, this is what the puppets want."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"As you can see, we have a lovely estate, as well as a flower field perfect for riding shaaks and proclaiming your love for Jedi padawans." Vader gave Padme a look, who merely ignored him. Han and Chewie followed close behind, taking in the sights.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Anakin bought my family home, which means if I want to get married, he has to be the one in charge." Padme said with a huff.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Padme and I are getting married at Vader Farms. It was the only way to ensure that Vader would not ruin the wedding, as he said he would be so busy planning it that he wouldn't have time to interfere." Han stated.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Yes, I did state that, but it isn't true." Vader commented. "I'm not even a wedding planner. The closet I came renting a film about wedding planning, starring a latino woman with a huge ass. But there was a mixup at the video store and I got Twilight instead. Very…very stupid movie."
Jar Jar nodded. "Ohoh, missa agree. Da film was terrible! Missa m on team jacob!" Vader shook his head. "I don't understand a word he says."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Attention everyone, attention!" The Emperor said, calling for the crew to pay attention. "I have an announcement to make."
"You are finally seeing that dermatologist I suggested?" Luke asked.
"No."
"You are coming out of the closet?" Asajj asked.
"No."
"You are staying in the closet?" Piett asked
"No."
"Well, now I am confused."
The Emperor frowned. "I would like to announce that, due to Cody's fine work, we have a surplus, which I will be using to buy a new protocol droid."
"WHAT?" C-3PO cried out. "Oh nooo….."
Asajj grunted in disgust.
"Uh…unless someone else has a better suggestion?"
Asajj nodded. "Emperor, you have been promising to buy new shielding for the TIE fighters for years now."
Cody frowned. "Asajj, please don't make this into another one of your soapbox moments."
"But it is time to get the crew want it wants." Asajj stated. "I know for a fact that Aurra, Piett, and Xizor all want the TIE Fighter shielding."
"Actually, Asajj, I have to go with the new droid." Piett said, Asajj staring at him in shock.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Ever since Asajj and I got together, I don't feel right asking her to make me copies, so I get 3PO to do it…and that stupid robot is soooooooo annoying!" Piett complained. "But…Asajj and I don't have to agree on everything."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"He dies tonight." Asajj said dangerously, igniting her lightsabers.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Now then, I had Jar Jar prepare a very wonderful meat sculpture. I think it will be prefect for the wedding."
Han and Padme frowned when Jar Jar wheeled in the life size meat sculpture. "Anakin…that you…"
"…naked." Han stated, horrified.
"I posed for it myself." Vader said proudly, Jar Jar nodding his head happily.
Chewie tilted his head. "Do you take commissions?"
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Ok, so why don't we take a moment to go around the room and discuss why we each want…what we want." The Emperor said, waving toward Asajj. "Asajj, you first."
Asajj nodded. "The TIE fighters are grossly undershielded. We loss more money on Stormtrooper funerals than anything else because of those things. In fact, it makes more sense to shield them than to do anything else."
Cody stood up next. "I am a clone…my brothers are stormtroopers. That should tell you of the need for us to get a new protocol droid instead of shielding."
Aurra, Xizor and Sly each stood, preparing to explain why they wanted the shielding, only for the Empire to wave them off. "You three aren't that funny…next!"
Luke stood up, Leia and Lando joining him. "We have traveled with Threepio for a while now…and I think we all can agree that he is annoying and should be sent to the dump."
Threepio stood up, wagging his finger at them. "You miserable…I have done everything for you and yet you still want to treat me like that? Oh, why must I suffer so wretchedly?"
"Ok, cool it Dr. Smith." The Emperor said.
"I agree with my golden metal brother." Guri said, placing her hand on Threepio's shoulder. "Though I do not enjoy protecting humans with shielding, and would prefer to use the money to turn them all into cyborgs."
Creed nodded. "That's right, death to all humans."
Everyone just stared at him.
Artoo beeped, wiggling back and forth.
"What do you mean they should throw me in the dumpster and find a sexier protocol droid?" Threepio screeched.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
[Every seen that show Modern Family] Artoo beeped. [I've already had a Mitchell, now I want me a big strong Cam!]
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Now then…" Vader said, leading the small group into the main hall, "this is where the main ceremony will begin." Jar Jar took his place at the altar. "Now, to give you an idea of how this will go, we will have Chewbacca play Padme, Han you will be Padme's mother, I will play Han and Padme will play the roll of your biter grandmother that thinks you could do better."
"Nana Solo doesn't like me?" Padme asked, concerned.
"Honey, honey…of course she hates you."
Vader took his place at the altar, while Han walked Chewbacca to the altar. "dear belov, weesa is here today to join these two in wedd bless. padme…mean chewbacca, doin yousa take ani…mean han, to be yousa husband?"
"Roooorrr!" Chewbacca bellowed.
"do yousa take chewbacca/padme to be yousa wife?"
"I do." Vader intoned.
"then missa now pronounce yousa husband and may kiss da bride!"
Chewbacca, before he could be stopped, gave Vader a kiss.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Alright, because we are stuck in a stalemate, I have decided to ask General Grievous to make a decision."
Piett frowned. "Didn't Obi-Wan kill him?"
"Like anyone cares about that. Grievous?"
Grievous stalked around Threepio, inspecting the droid. "This droid is a poor one, that I am sure. You should see some of the droids that are being produced now…they have freeway ramps for arms and run purely on a hatred/corn oil blend."
"So we should go with the droid and throw Threepio away."
'oooooooooooohhhhhh!" Threepio whined.
Grievous shook his head. "I did not say that." He walked over to the TIE fighter. "These are very weak…watch." He tapped it with his claw…only to blink when the entire thing exploded, sending him flying out of the Senate building. The Emperor looked at the hole that had been made.
"…mother-"
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Kurt, I need your help." The Emperor pleaded.
The holo-image of Kurt frowned. "I don't care what you shoved up your rectum…"
"No, I have a surplus and I don't know what to do with it." Kurt frowned.
"You aren't going to keep it?"
"Huh?"
"Most chancellors-"
"Emperor."
Kurt sighed. "…they would give half the money back, telling the people how great they were, then sneak the other half away for themselves."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"I…love my employees. But I also love the Thinkgeek website. So…what I need to do is find a way to keep this money and not let anyone hate me for it."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"That was a beautiful ceremony." Padme told Vader, leaning over the rail of the estate.
"Did it remind you of our wedding?" Vader said.
"Yes…yes it did." "Bring back fond memories?"
"Yes." Padme admitted.
"enough to ditch Han and marry me?" Vader asked hopefully.
"Yes…"
"WHOOOOHOOOAH!"
Padme smirked. "Except I can't marry a man already married." She leaned in close. "Jar Jar is an official Gungan minister…Mrs. Chewbacca."
"….mother-"
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"Ok, listen up!" The Emperor called out. "I think…you all are being rather greedy." He walked over to Threepio. "This droid…is a fine droid. He is shiny…and he has wires…and…"
"Why, thank you sir. I am rather glad someone notices that-"
The Emperor groaned. "Uuggggghhhh! You are like a robotic version of Tarkin!" He paused. "But we should keep you around anyway." He moved around the desks. "And the TIE fighters…are fine."
"I think Grievous would disagree with that." Asajj stated.
"My flesh sack!" Grievous whimpered.
"You know, don't you?" Cody asked.
"Know what?" The Emperor said nervously.
"Everyone, the Emperor is going to keep the money for himself!"
The Emperor frowned. "No…no I am not. I don't have a cent of it."
"Delivery for The Emperor?" The FedEx Guy stated.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
"So, technically I was telling the truth. I spent all the credits on replica Jedi bathrobes. And too make sure the crew didn't hate me, I gave them one each. Am I bitter that I lost all my robes…yes…yes I am." The Emperor frowned, wrapping himself up in his Jedi robe.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~ "You know, we would have gotten more than these if you had just sided with me." Asajj stated.
Piett nodded. "I'm sorry…you are right." He kissed her on the forehead, his own Jedi robe swishing about. "And to make it up to you…" He waved Threepio over. "I will take over your duties for the day so you can spend time with your favorite droid." Asajj paled as Piett leaned in close. "Don't ever mess with me again, baby."
"Oh, this will be so delightful. First, how about we discuss my vast knowledge of languages…"
Asajj whimpered.
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
Vader glared at Chewbacca, before turning off the lights in the wedding suite. "I swear, I will have the divorce papers filed tomorrow."
~MC~MC~MC~MC~
Author's Notes: Yes, Thinkgeek does sell Jedi robes. They are 40.00 bucks, too rich for my blood at the moment, but maybe they will be nice and send one to me for advertising for them…wink wink? And yes, because I forgot to mention it, I do in fact own a prop lightsaber. My father helped me assemble the last few pieces yesterday.