A/N: Don't own, don't sue. Enjoy this two-shot! Leave a review please!
Chapter 1: Failure
Hullo!
I'm Sirius Black. Yes, the Sirius Black.
Stop staring at me. I know I'm ruggedly handsome and completely irresistible, but it's unnerving. Moving on.
I am…
Marauder mastermind. Perilous prankster. But most of all… flirting extraordinaire.
That's right. You heard me.
I have flirting down to a science. Siriusly.
Get it? Siriusly? Okay. I know… name puns are lame. Again… moving on.
Now, my favorite technique is the hook-line-sinker. Let's take a look at an example.
Here we have our two lovely young subjects: James Potter and Lily Evans, both at age sixteen.
James Potter: viewed by Lily Evans as an arrogant prick (I can somewhat see why) and my best mate. Devilishly handsome (he made me write that!), messy black hair, hazel eyes, extremely buff. Quidditch hero. Will be referred to as Subject J from here on out.
Lily Evans: brightest witch in our year. She's been fancied by James since third year. Beautiful, dark red hair, emerald green eyes. Genius. Will be referred to Subject L from here on out.
Let's see their encounter in the natural habitat: the Gryffindor common room. I believe Sujbect J will attempt to employ the infamous hook-line-sinker technique.
Hook
hook: (noun) a line used to get the subject's attention. Usually something flirty. Or dirty.
Subject J approaches Subject L with caution, which is probably wise, due to Subject L's tendency to rage while in Subject J's presence. Subject L is finishing up a Potions essay that's due next week… blast. I have to work on that.
Subject J: What's cooking, good-looking?
Analysis: While that familiar pick-up line works for some girls, it was a poor choice given Subject L's history of accusing Subject J of being a "male, chauvanist pig".
Pass or Fail: Fail
Line
line: (noun) a line used to hold the subject's attention and express the sexual interest the speaker has for the subject.
Subject L: Piss off, Potter. Can't you see I'm trying to enjoy sitting by the fire? Can't exactly do that with you here.
Subject J: That hurts, Evans.
Subject L: I know, Potter. That's why I said it.
Subject J: …that's just cruel. How could you hurt me in this way, Lily-flower? How could you reject our love?
Subject L: Easy.
Subject L stands and gathers her belongings. She also lands a good middle punch in Subject J's solar plexus.
Anlaysis: I'm not entirely sure which line was supposed to be the line. I think Subject J blundered when Subject L insulted him.
Pass or Fail: fail
Sinker
sinker: (noun) line used to ensure that the subject has agreed to go on a date with the speaker and solidifies the relationship established between the speaker and the subject
Subject J: Come on now, Lils, don't be like that!
Subject L: Shut the bloody hell up, Potter. I'll be however I want to be.
Subject J: Why be by yourself then, when you can be with me? You know you want to.
Subject L: Not even in your dreams, "Pisser." Run along and die now. No, really. Please.
Subject J: But Lily-!
Subject L: I hear the other ucky people calling you. You go, girl. And don't come back.
Remus Lupin (from here on out, referred to as Other Person R): So, James… how did it go?
Subject J: Ugh.
Other Person R: That bad, eh?
Subject J: She called me a girl!
Other Person R: Maybe she's lesbian.
Subject J: You think so? You think in a sick, twisted lesbo way, she was trying to say that she's madly in love with me?
Other Person R: Blimey, you're thicker than I thought.
Analysis: It would seem that Subject L feels nothing but utter revulsion for Subject J, which is a shame, considering that he's been in love with her for nearly three years now. On the matter of Other Person R, my research has led me to believe that Other Person R's comment about Subject L's questionable sexual orientation was meant to be a joke. However, I have also discovered that Subject J, at the time this encounter took place, was entirely too infatuated with Subject L to think clearly, and therefore missed the joking manner of Other Person R's statement.
Pass or Fail: Fail
Overall Pass or Fail: Fail
Letter Grade: F-
Number Grade: 0
Score on the Flirtability Factor Scale: -5
Score on the Crash and Burn Scale: 20
Overall Analysis: My research has led me to believe that there are two reasons Subject J failed in his attempts to win over Subject L. The first reason is that Subject J failed to express any maturity and/or class in his words and actions. "What's cooking, good-looking?" expresses absolutely no class whatsoever. It fails on most girls, with the exception of strippers. As for maturity, whining like an infant does nothing whatsoever to convince the object of your affections that you are mature and therefore worthy of a date and his or her time.
The second reason for Subject J's failure is Subject L's firm belief that Subject J is a "bullying, arrogant toerag." Of course, Subject J has the previous five years supporting this statement (or accusation, whichever way the cookie crumbles for you). But I fear that, even if Subject J were to change his behavior and grow up a bit, Subject L is too prejudiced at this point to see past his past and see the new Subject J.
As Subject J's best friend, I feel the need to express my concern for his recent crash and burn. I also express concern for my own mental health, for Subject J can never seem to shut up about Subject L… even in his sleep. I fear that if I have one more sleep conversation with Subject J about all the wonderful qualities of Subject L, I am liable to pull my own hair out, roots and all.
Until next time,
Dr. Sirius Black.
Yes. Doctor. You know that sounds sexy.