Scrooge & Marley Co.
(And Cratchit, duh!)
A Play based on the LARP (Live Action Role-play)-By Kelly and Moi
Scrooge: (picks up telephone) CRATCHIT!
Cratchit: (picks up her telephone) Mr. Scrooge, sir!
Scrooge: What?
Cratchit: (pause) Um…I don't get it sir!
Scrooge: Neither do I.
Cratchit: (silence)
Scrooge: IS THIS AN ANONYMUS PHONECALL?
Cratchit: No sir, I'm still here!
Scrooge: Is that Cratchit?
Cratchit: Yes, of course, sir!
Scrooge: Righto.
(pause)
Cratchit: So…what are you planning on doing for Christmas sir?
Scrooge: GET OFF THE PHONE! (hangs up)
Cratchit: Um…OK then. (puts down phone)
Scrooge: (stares at computer screen) YIKES! (phones Cratchit whilst humming 'Mr. Scrooge' from 'The Muppets Christmas Carol')
Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge sir!
Scrooge: Wha-er…oh yeah! Um, I just got a weird e-mail.
Cratchit: Uh huh…from who?
Scrooge: Marley!
Cratchit: Say what?
Scrooge: Huh?
Cratchit: I mean…you just got an e-mail from your business partner/only friend, who's been dead for seven years! What's up with that?
Scrooge: I dunno.
Cratchit: Well…what does the e-mail say sir?
Scrooge: (reads from e-mail) "Wazzup? Marley here! I'm at an internet café here in the underworld and dude, it's 6p an hour! RADICAL! In case you can't tell I recently turned into a sk8ter, but I'm fed up of it already! Maybe I'll become emo…these chains stink dude…always hanging around…chain e-mails stink too, so I sent you several! Well…that's all I gotta say for now…see you soon-ish! dramatic music BYE!"
Cratchit: You said it was a weird e-mail? Well, you were right!
Scrooge: HA! Foolish mortal.
Cratchit: (hangs up)
Scrooge: OI! (replies to e-mail)
(five seconds later)
Scrooge: CRATCHIT! I'VE HAD A REPLY!
Cratchit: (sarcastically) And there was much rejoicing! (waves little flag with SOS on it)
Scrooge: Where did you get that?
Cratchit: Um…I honestly have no idea.
(pause)
Cratchit: So…what does this e-mail say?
Scrooge: (reads) "Um…well, that was very mean! Whaddoya mean you don't want to see me? We're bestest ever buddies! sob sob Anyway, it doesn't matter! I'm here already! Teehee!" (in a suddenly terrified voice) Oh drat, he's here already! What should I do?
Cratchit: Lock the door, sir?
Scrooge: I've already done that!
Cratchit: Well…I don't think there's anything else you can-
Marley: (in a high-pitched, creepy voice) HI GUYS!!! HOW ARE YOU?
Cratchit: Fine, thank you!
Scrooge: Go away already…freak.
Marley: Humph…you're the freak!
Scrooge: (icily) And why is that?
Marley: You have a jar of humbugs on your desk! That's random…
Scrooge: No it isn't!
Marley: Why?
Scrooge: My catchphrase is "Bah, humbug!", therefore it isn't random!
Marley: Wow…
Scrooge: So…why are you here?
Marley: (starts eating Scrooge's humbugs)
Scrooge: OI! Give them back!
Marley: Nope (munches greedily)
Scrooge: C'mon Marley, give them back now!
Cratchit: Ghosts can eat?
Marley: Duh! (eats more)
Scrooge: GIVE THEM BACK!
Cratchit: Come on Marley, stop being childish and give Scrooge the humbugs!
Marley: (eats the last one) Can't, sorry!
Scrooge: YOU- (attempts to hit Marley but can't as Marley is a ghost and therefore un-hittable) Bah, humbug!
Marley: (laughs)
Cratchit: (laughs too)
Scrooge: You stay out of this!
Cratchit: Sorry sir!
Marley: Wow…the office is just as weird as ever!
Cratchit: It was going OK until you got here actually!
(phone rings; Marley answers)
Marley: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Caller: Who is this? Am I addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?
Marley: I'm coming to HAUNT YOUUUUUUUUU!
Caller: Um…Ok (puts the phone down)
Scrooge: (attempts to hit Marley again) You are an idiot, you know that?
Marley: Yeaherno.
Cratchit: What the heck?
(phone rings again)
Marley: Why is the phone suddenly ringing a lot?
Cratchit: Probably to add some action to this lame plot!
Marley: Yeah, probably.
Scrooge: (picks up the phone) Who is this? ... Yes. … Yes, of course you idiot! …Obviously! … NO WAY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? (hangs up)
Cratchit: Um…who was that?
Scrooge: Guess.
Marley: The Ghost of Christmas Past?
Scrooge: No
Cratchit: Present?
Scrooge: No
Marley: Future?
Scrooge: No
Cratchit: The guy you've been trying avoid all week who wants you to give money to charity?
Scrooge: No
Marley: My brother?
Scrooge: No…since when did you have a brother?
Marley: I have a brother?
Scrooge: What the mum?
Cratchit: (interrupts) Was it, by any chance, Fred?
Scrooge: Bingo!
Marley: We're not playing Bingo!
Cratchit: You're quick!
Marley: No I'm not! Wait…what are we talking about?
Scrooge: (rolls eyes)
Cratchit: What did Fred want?
Scrooge: The usual: he wants me to celebrate this stupid holiday season again…grrrr….
Marley: (not to anyone in particular) I remember one Christmas when I got tangled up in Christmas lights for two days…
Scrooge: (barrels on) Oh, and by the way, Fred's coming to the office right now!
Cratchit: Why didn't you say so? I'll check the traps.
Marley: I have a cunning plan!
Scrooge: What is it?
Marley: (whispers to Scrooge)
Scrooge: I see…
(A few seconds later or whatever, there is a knock at the door. 'Tis Fred, Scrooge's nephew. Um…duh.)
Fred: (rings doorbell) HELLO? Anyone in there?
(Fred's phone rings)
Fred: (answers) Hello?
Marley: I AM COMING TO HAUNT YOOOOOOU!
Fred: Really? That's nice. (hangs up)
(Fred's phone rings again)
Fred: Hello?
Marley: Sup dude?
Fred: Oh, nothing really. Who are you anyway?
Marley: Me, myself and I.
Fred: Meaning?
Marley: Marley.
Fred: Oh. Does this mean you'll let me in?
Marley: In?
Fred: I can't get into the office…the doors locked.
Marley: Ah. I see.
Fred: Can you open the door for me then?
Marley: Um…no.
Fred: (losing his patience) WHY NOT?
Marley: I dunno.
(Whispers ensue)
Marley: Hang on; it's OK for me to open the door now.
Fred: Wha-
Marley: (hangs up)
Fred: OK then… (Walks into the office. Instantly his glasses are snatched from his face and suspended in mid-air by Marley)
Marley: Teeheeheeheehee!
Fred: Um…what the heck?
(Marley starts whizzing around squealing "You can't get the glasses! You can't get the glasses!" in a really annoying voice)
Fred: Will you please desist?
Marley: I dunno
Fred: What do you mean you don't know? Just give my glasses back! PLEASE!
(Marley's phone rings)
Marley: Hang on a sec…
Fred: (to self) Understandable really, it's an office after all, it must be the water cooler than does it…that or the humbugs…WHERE DID THE HUMBUGS GO???
Marley: (whispers agitatedly on phone, then hangs up, sighs, and returns Fred's glasses to him)
Fred: (with an effort to remain calm and polite) Thanks, Marley. Where's Scrooge anyway?
Marley: Uh…I think he went into hiding when he heard you were coming. Cratchit too. He said I should annoy you so much you'd leave him alone-drat! So much for keeping the evil plot secret… (slaps forehead)
Fred: So, shall I leave? (sighs dejectedly)
Marley: (in surprise) OK then, buddy! (mutters something in gobbledygook under his breath, sounds like a spell or something. Noticing Fred looking at him strangely he continues) BYE! (slams the door in Fred's face)
Fred: (shakes his head and meanders off)
(Scrooge and Cratchit emerge from under their desks)
Cratchit: Is the coast clear?
Scrooge: Duh. Fred's gone!
Marley: YAY! PARTY TIME! ('Love Today' by Mika starts playing)
Scrooge: (to playwright) Was that supposed to be in the script?
Playwright (a.k.a Marley's brother): I dunno.
Scrooge: (sighs)
Cratchit: I gotta go get lunch sir.
Scrooge: LUNCH? Are you out of your mind? You need to work! No lunch for you today!
Cratchit: Not even soup?
Scrooge: No. The soup is all mine…
Marley: We have SOUP? YAY!
Scrooge: 'Tis broccoli flavoured.
Marley: I see…GIMMEE THE SOUP!
Scrooge: NO!
(During this commotion, Cratchit has slipped out of the office)
Marley: That was rude, wasn't it?
Scrooge: Yeah…
(Cratchit returns with a can of chicken noodle soup and Scrooge leaves to get his soup)
Marley: (speaking into the silence) What's with the soup thing? Anyone? Hello?
Playwright: I dunno; just go with the flow, bro!
Marley: Um…righto.
(Meanwhile, Cratchit is acting most unlike her usual self. Instead of heading back to her desk she sits in Scrooge's chair and begins to type on his laptop computer, playing Laser Zap IV)
Marley: Um…
Cratchit: Leave me alone, will ya? I'm trying to concentrate!
Marley: Why aren't you working at your usual desk, Cratchit?
Cratchit: What is your problem? I'm not Cratchit! Cratchit's out getting lunch, as I understand it, she shall have to be punished severely when she gets back. I said she couldn't have any soup!
Marley: Ooops…
Cratchit: What do you mean, oops?
Marley: Uh...nothing! Bye! (disappears)
Cratchit: Humph! (continues playing computer game)
(Scrooge returns and immediately notices Cratchit's change of seating plan)
Scrooge: CRATCHIT! What do you think you're doing?
Cratchit: Cratchit? Why do people keep calling me that? I'm not Cratchit!
Scrooge: I'M not Cratchit either!
Cratchit: Of course you are, now get back to your desk and work!
Scrooge: You're at MY desk!
Cratchit: No, I'm not! Stop contradicting me or I'll dock your pay!
Scrooge: Cratchit, I've had enough of this! Get away from my desk NOW!
Cratchit: (glares menacingly at Scrooge)
Scrooge: (to no-one in particular) What the heck is going on?
Cratchit: WORK, FOOLISH MORTAL!!!
Scrooge: (sighs dejectedly) Fine. But I will have revenge…
(Scrooge grumpily goes over to Cratchit's desk and phones Marley)
Scrooge: Marley?
Marley: Sup?
Scrooge: STOP SAYING THAT ALREADY!!!
Marley: Sorry…it's the skater thing dude.
Scrooge: Whatever.
Marley: So…why're ya phonin'?
Scrooge: Cratchit is acting REALLY weirdly, she thinks I'M Cratchit and she's sitting at MY desk, playing MY computer games!
Marley: (giggles nervously)
Scrooge: What's that supposed to mean?
Marley: Um, well, earlier on in the play when I mumbled gobbledygook at Fred, I was trying to transform him into a duck.
Scrooge: So?
Marley: So…the spell messed up…duh!
Scrooge: Let me get this straight…you attempted to turn my nephew into a duck but instead succeeded in making my sole employee a grouch?
Marley: Um…yes.
Scrooge: (sighs heavily) Is there any way you can fix this?
Marley: Er…
Cratchit: CRATCHIT! I want the monthly eviction reports!
Scrooge: Darn, I gotta go! (hangs up)
Marley: Righto. (to self) Darnnabbit!
(Scrooge approaches his own desk, papers in hand)
Cratchit: (snatches papers)
Scrooge: (sighs)
Cratchit: Stop with you sighing already! And stop slouching!
Scrooge: Oh yeah? Who's going to make me? YOU?
(Magical music and sound effects dramatically appear to rectify the unfortunate situation at hand)
Cratchit: Where am I?
Scrooge: How cliché (tuts)
Cratchit: No, seriously. Why am I at your desk?
Scrooge: Don't ask me; ask Marley, the Wonder Bozo here.
Marley: (appears) Aw, c'mon! It was a complete and total accident!
Scrooge: Yeah…right.
Cratchit: Guys!
Scrooge and Marley: What?
Cratchit: Er…I come bearing soup. I mean, I come bearing MORE soup than originally intended.
Marley: YAY! Soup! My life at last has a purpose! (eats Cratchit's soup)
Cratchit: Your purpose in life is to eat all our food? Scrooge's humbugs and now my soup?
Marley: Er…maybe!
Scrooge: (forehead slap)
(Marley's phone rings)
Marley: Hang on a sec… (answers phone) Yeah? Uh huh… Argentina you say? Well…OK then. (hangs up and mutters to self) Idiot…
Scrooge and Cratchit: 0o
Marley: The Ghost of Humbug Yet to Come ended up in Argentina instead of England. He was supposed to come here…today! At right about now!
Cratchit: Who?
Scrooge: What?
Cratchit: When?
Scrooge: Where?
Both: Why?
Marley: I hired him.
Scrooge: Why?
Marley: To scare you to death
Scrooge: Why?
Marley: Because I'm all alone in the world…no friends in the Afterlife…
Scrooge : You have friends! You sent me a phone call two years after you died saying you'd met all sorts of interesting people! Henry VIII, Thomas Andrews, designer of Titanic, Queen Elizabeth, Charles Dickens…
Cratchit: You met all these random famous people in the Afterlife?
Marley: Um…yes.
Scrooge: So, if you have friends, why do you want me to die?
Marley: (in a high pitched happy voice) Because you're my BEST friend!
Scrooge: (rolls eyes) Oh my gosh…
(Dramatically and suddenly, a jumbo jet suddenly crashes outside the office)
All: WHAT THE HUMBUG? (All rush outside)
Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come: Hi guys!
Marley: Yay! You made it!
Marley's Brother (AKA playwright and director of all this randomness. By the way, I'm just typing it up for him as ghost can't use computers…0o) Guys! That's not in the script!
Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come (GOHYTC): Oh darn. That was fun!
Scrooge: You just crashed your jumbo jet.
GOHYTC: Oh, that piece of junk. Poor, prettyful junk…
Scrooge: Nevermind.
Cratchit: Er…guys!
GOHYTC, Marley and Scrooge: What?
Cratchit: (points a trembling hand into the random, foreboding darkness as a familiar theme tune starts up)
GOHYTC & Marley: NOOO! They're after us! RUN! (run away)
Ghostbusters: (appear out of the random darkness) Who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!
Scrooge: Thanks you guys, you saved us!
Ghostbusters: From what? I don't see any ghosts!
Cratchit: Exactly. Your theme song chased them away!
Ghostbusters: Nifty…
Scrooge: Alls well that ends well then?
Cratchit: What does that mean?
Scrooge: I think the plays over…right Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know?
Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know: …
Scrooge and Cratchit: THE TRIPLE DOT! RUN! (run away)
The End