On Touch And
Mortality
By Nadja Lee
English is not my
native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.
Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the
characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement,
this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea
contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy
this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set in the
movie universe. After the movie.
Universe: Set in the
movie universe.
Romance: Rogue/Logan
Summary: Rogue can
finally touch someone…
Archiving: Want, ASK,
take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please.
It would mean so much to me.
Rating: PG
Sequel/series:
Comparison piece to "On Loss And Immortality"
Dedicated to Mie. I
shall pray for you and hope to see you again in good health . I'll always love
you.
*mmmm * is
telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. " mmmmm " is spoken out loud.
Part 1:
Life isn't fair, life is never fair. I didn't want to be a mutant; I
didn't want to be the untouchable one. I never wished for this, I never wanted
this feeling of loneliness and isolation.
Why does this hurt me so much? Why does it feel like someone has cut my
heart out? Why do I cry so much?
" Don't cry, darlin`," Logan whispers and pulls me close to him. We
stand side by side outside in the rain in the back of Xavier's property. In
front of us is a small wooded cross. I cling to Logan as if he's the only safe
thing in an insane world and he is. He gave me this gift; he saved me, gave me
back a little of what I'd lost. I want to ask him, bed him, demand of him that
he brings her back to me. Right now. I want her back! I need her back…
I've had her for 15 years, 15 wonderful years. Logan found her one day
and brought her to me. In his warm winter gloves he held her out to me, this
little wet and absolutely adorable silver kitten. She tried to touch me with
her paws and I almost fell backwards in my hurry to move away. Logan told me to
stand still and close my eyes. I did. I instantly tensed and when I felt a
gently and soft furry paw on my naked arm and jacked my arm away as if burned.
But as I opened my eyes she was all right; the kitten was all right. I couldn't
understand how that could be; I had touched it, I should have killed it, my
touch always kills, I always bring death. Logan kissed the top of my head ever
so gently and told me that as there were mutated humans there were mutated
animals; the kitten was a mutant. And not just that; she was a mutant like me.
She too killed whatever she touched and that was why she could touch me; we
cancelled each other out.
It is indescribable to tell how happy I felt as I held my small kitten,
Logi as I called her after Logan, close to my heart. She was the first living
creature I had touched in 10 years; touched and not killed. From that day forth
I took Logi with me wherever I went; she even slept in my and Logan's bed at
night. Logi wasn't who I really wanted to be able to feel skin to skin; that
was of cause Logan but she was everything I had. She was all I'll ever have and
I love her so. I'll always love her. She brightened my days and made me smile.
I can never thank Logan enough for bringing her into my life. She eased my pain
and my loneliness.
She couldn't speak, she couldn't tell me her feelings but whenever I
held her she would purr and press close to me; besides her only Logan don't
fear my touch and even though I can't kill him I still have to be careful; very
careful as I don't want to hurt him. Logan has always been there for me but
when I cry he can't wipe my tears away with his bare hands; can't put his naked
arms around me at night. I remember one day I cried and he picked Logi up and
lifted her right front paw and gently let her soft paw wipe away my tears.
I never saw Logi as a pet; she will always be a person to me. If I was
sad it was as if she knew it because she'll come to me and purr, wanting to be
picked up. When I was happy she'd come to play. She was always there for me
when I needed touch.
How can someone so small as she come to mean so much to me? All my
dreams, all my hopes went into her. For so long, in so many ways, she was my
only support. She even came to me on Logan's and my wedding day. When we were
dancing our wedding dance in the grand hall in the mansion she came and wanted
to play with my veil and made me smile and forget that Logan's and my wedding
night would be a wedding night in name only because we can never touch and we
will never be able to.
All things dies; I know that better than most. All I touch; I kill. And
Logan, my protector, my love and my husband…he can practically live forever
while I grow older day by day. I believe in our love to be strong and last all
my life even when I'm old and grey but it is hard on both of us; hard to fade
away, to grow older and change and see him remain the same. I'm now 42 and
though Logan says I'm as beautiful to him today as I was on our wedding day I
know my beauty is fading. As a teenager it was fun with the white steak in my
hair; now I colour it as black as I can to cover the beginning grey. I want to
stay forever young and beautiful for Logan but I can't. I want to touch him but
I can't. I want to make love to him but I can't. I want to bear his children
but I can't.
Every time I stand before a grave, every time I hear about someone
dying, even people I don't know; I'm reminded of my own mortality and Logan's
almost immortality. I never want to leave him alone again but I have to. My
greatest concern is that when I'm gone he'll be all alone. I watched Highlander
once as a kid and found it very romantic how the Immortal loved his wife and
stayed faithful to her for 100ths of years; now the thought makes me cry for
that Immortal can be Logan and I…I'm the mortal he loved, I'm the woman who
he'll hold in his arms when I'm grey and wrinkled while he stay the same as the
first time we met. Already our appearance is a problem, people begin to assume
that I'm Logan's older sister or aunt and I know it'll only get worse. When we
walk together when I'm 80 and he still look like he's 30 something, people will
automatically assume I'm his mother. When people address me wrongly I tell
Logan that it really doesn't matter though it hurts so much but he'll hear none
of it. He'll pop his claws and demand an apology from whoever called me his
sister, aunt or whatever. When we talked about this I said that if he always
introduced me as his wife people would begin to talk but he don't care. He said
that to him I'll always be beautiful for it is the inside that matters and
he'll always be proud of me and be honoured to call me his wife; forever. When
he talks like that how can I refuse him anything when I love him so much?
Though I at times get really frustrated about it I've come to accept what we
can and can't do. I wish we could grow old together, I wish we could share that
now that we can't share touch; but we cannot and no matter how powerful my
wishing is it'll never be enough.
I could touch Logi; I could feel skin against skin one more time. She
would always make me forget my worries with her loving and playful nature.
Gods, how I miss her. Tears run down my face and now none is there to wipe them
away with a soft paw. Logan reaches over and wipes my tears away with his
gloved hand and the feel of skin against clothes feels stronger now than ever
before. I can't touch anything anymore. I am as I was; I'm untouchable again.
When Logi got ill I tried to deny it; I didn't want it to be true. I
visited 10 different doctors and all said the same; she was dying. That Logan
threatened them at claw point unfortunately didn't change facts. I was loosing
her. I went into denial and Logan…Logan was frustrated beyond words. He
recruited Scott or rather dragged him with him and together they searched
everywhere for another cat like Logi; for any animal or human like Logi and me.
But to no avail. We have a rare mutation, Logi and I; there is no one else. Before
at least I had her and I didn't feel so alone; now I'm the only one. The others
want to understand, wants to help me but only Logan has admitted that he can't
give me everything I desire; he can't give me skin to skin touch and he will
never be able to understand the loneliness I feel no matter how much he wants
to or tries to. None of us can ever fully understand what it feels like to have
each other's mutations; I know this as do Logan. We have no illusions left of
the world or each other. Things are as they are and that's the way it is…
But Gods, how I miss her. I'll do anything to bring her back; anything
at all…but I have none to bargain with. I feel so lost and alone. So cold, so
utterly cold. A shiver runs through me.
" Here, lov`, " Logan says softly and puts his jacket around me.
" Thanks," I whisper and try to smile through tears. He nods and closes
his arms around me; pulling me into a warm and secure embrace. At least I still
have Logan with me, I still have his love and that is a gift I'm grateful for
every day.
I had known from the moment Logi entered my life that one day I'll be
without touch again no matter how much I wished it otherwise but knowing
doesn't make it any easier.
Maybe in time I can get used to no touch again, maybe in time I can
learn to forget her soft paws, her purring, the way her eyes followed me, how I
could get lost in her green eyes, the way she'll come to me when I was sad and
comfort me…maybe in time I can forget all that. Maybe…
The End
