Title: Delusions of a warped mind (1/7)
Author: Obsessed1
Character(s): John Sheppard and team.
Genre(s): Stargate Atlantis: H/C -Angst
Rating: T
Warnings: Nothing too explicit.
Summary: Sheppard's team must help him survive his past so he can survive his future.

Sheppard was probing the inside of his mouth with his tongue when he hears the voice again; familiar and grating. Its return is like the arrival of an annoying wasp, buzzing, hovering, twitching.He feels twitchy. He feels disturbed. The voices had been sporadic, sometimes they were so clear it was a frightening reminder of his tenuous grasp on sanity, but usually they were thick with distortion and he found he could ignore them, wave them off as delirium from hunger and dehydration. At least he liked to think he could.

The sound of rotor blades above his hut had him whipping his head up and waiting in perfect stillness for all hell to break loose. It doesn't. He fears it never will.

In the dark recesses of his mind, the part that's lucid and rational, he knows that the United States Air Force has abandoned him, just like he abandoned it when he recklessly disobeyed orders and took off on an alternate flight path.

He'd been hit by an RPG, lucky shot, and managed to jump out of the wrecked craft just before it burst into flames. A day and a half of wandering around the desert and he discovered Holland hiding out in an old downed Huey, injured, thirsty and with no hopes of ever seeing American soil again.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Holland had died exactly fifteen hours later of a fatal internal bleed and five hours after that Sheppard had collapsed from dehydration and had been 'rescued' by a group of Afghan soldiers.

He'd been beaten and disoriented and he had faded into blissful unconsciousness.

He had woken up a day later in a tiny cell, stripped of his gear.

He remembers his escape with perfect clarity. He'd been picked up by a passing Med Evac unit, had received a disciplinary from his superiors and had been shipped off to the Antarctic. A one in a billion coincidence had led him to the Pegasus galaxy where he had been commanding officer for three and a half years.

That's what he had thought anyway. It turned out that his traitorous mind had been feeding him lies; false hope and instead he was slowly rotting away in a concrete box.

The buzzing was back and a distant tinny voice was urging him to come home.

Sheppard pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and groaned. He refused to believe that he had broken so quickly. Lost his mind. He'd spent the first few days of captivity pacing his cell, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to remain alert, ready to take any chance to escape. He'd kept his mind active, first trying to calibrate his position from when he initially landed, mathematical equations, anything to stave off tiredness and to keep his mind razor sharp. He'd been on the ball; up on his feet when his captors finally showed themselves and coupled with a steely resolve not to break.

"Go away."

The voice continued.

"I'm not listening."

He dropped his hands and wiggled his bare toes experimentally. By now he was too exhausted to sleep, but too tired to move. They were giving the bare minimum of food and water. They came in for a few hours a day to beat and question him and afterwards they left him to sit and stare at the four walls surrounding him. He'd been there for twenty four days. He knew that because he'd been deliberately counting in an attempt to stay aware and grounded. So yeah, he was maybe a little exhausted and that could account for the voices he was hearing. Either that or he had really lost it.

The voice, the buzzing, the incessant whining in his ear continued and Sheppard felt utterly defeated.

"Go away!" he shouted and then tugged his knees up to his chest and dropped his chin onto them.

He hummed to drown out the voices, or in particular, one consistent nagging voice.

It was the voice, he supposed, that was inside his head. The voice that had probably driven him to create an entirely altruistic world where he could escape, where he was someone important, someone respected, someone who wasn't trapped in a tiny cell in the middle of Afghanistan. He realised that in the real world there was no way he could ever be in command of anything ever again. Black marks were permanent. He was sure his father had warned him of that once.

The voice, however, was getting louder, clearer and-

"Finally! Can you see me now?"

A familiar man appeared in his peripheral vision and waved an animated hand in front of his face.

Sheppard remained perfectly still, unsure of the new development in his failing mental status. He'd only ever heard the voices. He'd never actually been so deluded as to see one of his…well, delusions come to life. Perhaps they were drugging his food? Some drugs had a cumulative effect. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid.

"Hello? Sheppard…."

He really had lost his mind.

"Sheppard?"

"Hi," he said slumping back down into the wall. Great, now he was talking to himself.

"Uh…hi. You okay?"

"McKay, right?" Sheppard asked.

His delusion gave him an irritated look before sighing dramatically and dropping soundlessly to his knees, "Who else? Look I've managed to interface with the machine but I'm not sure how long I can hang about before…."

McKay flickered in and out and Sheppard shook his head.

Who knew his brain had such poor reception.

"See?" McKay stated, indicating to the flickering, "You need to end this….we think there was a malfunction with the device. But now it's fixed so……."

Sheppard glared at his delusion, "So what?"

"So come on. Do your thing. Create a door, end the game, click your red slippers together and wish for home, just hurry up and do it soon because you've been in this game for twelve hours now and---"

"My delusion is delusional," Sheppard said sagging into the wall.

"What? Sheppard…"

"It's okay. You don't know you're a delusion."

"Uh…"

Sheppard leaned forward and smiled apologetically before informing the apparition, "I'm sorry, but you're a figment of my imagination."

His delusion seemed angered by that remark, "What? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever………. Oh…oh, you don't-, " Snapping fingers, "You don't remember touching the device do you? You think…"

Sheppard crossed his arms defensively and stared over to the far wall. He had to wonder why he had created such an annoying hallucination. He hoped that if he ignored it, it would eventually go away.

"Sheppard?"

It didn't.

"Where are we anyway?"

"You're from my head. You tell me."

"Oh right…….you think I'm-," his delusion smiled, "Just stop messing around and let's get out of here."

"I can't get out of here."

"Why not?"

Sheppard shook his head, "I'm in the middle of enemy territory."

"Ah but you see, you're not."

"If I left here, which I can't because the door is bolted, then I would be shot…….dead," he clarified.

"You know. You're not usually this pessimistic…..what is that annoying thing you always say? Oh yes…stay positive."

"I'm being realistic and all those…." Sheppard chuckled, "…missions that we supposedly went on together….they didn't happen. There's no way I would ever be a Commanding Officer. That should have been the first clue that none of it was real."

"Look, Colonel-"

"It's Major."

"Whatever……… you touched a device on MX657 and you're lying in the middle of a cave unconscious and……."

"Go away."

"If you don't leave this…whatever this is, soon, you're going to die!"

"I'm going to die anyway," Sheppard said, "Remember, enemy territory? I'm not walking away from this one."

"Sheppard you can trust me, I…"

Sheppard laughed, "No I can't. I'm alone."

"Sheppard……"

"Look, you're not real."

"Yes I am."

"No, you're not."

Sheppard kicked out a leg and it sailed through his delusions body. Seeing it happen, his leg push through the air without a connection disturbed him. He needed to do something to keep his mind from…..doing this. He'd exercise, count, plan his escape strategy…..anything to keep focused. Anything to drive this man away.

"Ow!"

Their banter felt so natural. It was almost a shame that he didn't exist. It was disappointing to have believed he had made genuine friends. Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth…..Carson. These figments were simply…….not real.

"I didn't even touch you."

McKay, the delusion he reminded himself, gave him an aggrieved look, "Still……stop it."

"Most real people aren't see-through."

"I've interfaced with the device; I'm more of a hologram right now. Just because you can't touch me doesn't mean I don't exist and…..and…….you're not buying this are you?"

Sheppard shook his head.

"If you don't get out of this game soon you're going to die. You need to get back to Atlantis so-"

"Atlantis isn't real either."

Sheppard was certain of that. A flying city that could read his mind and conveniently, in his fabricated world, he had been the one with the strongest gene. He had been the Commanding Officer. He had saved the city in increasingly ridiculous self sacrificing ways and had not died. Now he thought about it, it really was ridiculous. If that was real life, he'd have been dead by now.

"Atlantis is real."

"No it isn't."

"Yes….it is!"

Sheppard sank down, lying on the floor and curling tightly into a ball, "Go away."

His delusion flickered in and out and then disappeared.

TBC………………….