Addicted, a bleach fanfic

Title: Addicted

Songfic: Addicted- Kelly Clarkson

Author: c8i (Meg)

Paring: Renji/Ichigo Ichigo/Renji

Rating: R for drug use, implied sex, swearing

Warnings: Angst. Because Ichigo knows it best. And everything I said up there. Mentioned character death. (Not Ichigo or Renji) And mentioned past Rukia/Renji (yes in that order) and implied past (still?) Hichigo/Ichigo.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or its characters, or the song. Bleach belongs to KT and the song to KC.

Summary: Sequel to Lithium. Renji learns to live with Ichigo's withdrawal. Ichigo learns that he is still on drugs. (Is that sentence weird…?) Follow up for cykotyks

COMMUNITY DISCLAIMER: All characters depicted in sexual situations in this post/fanfiction/fanart (including material in the comments) are fictional and are intended to be and considered to be by the author of said material of the legal age of consent in the United States state of California, regardless of what age these characters may be in the material they are derived from.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't phase down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

"Ichigo." The red head set down his chopsticks, staring tiredly at the man sitting across from him. Ichigo looked up from the cups he had been stacking, and sighed.

"Su-sorry…"

"No, don't apologize. You asked me to tell you when you were doing it. I am not mad."

Ichigo made a small grunt, looking distastefully at the cups he had being playing with. "When is this ever going to stop…?"

When Renji decided to live with Ichigo, he knew mostly what he was getting into. At first, he had been surprised Soul Society gave him the permission to stay. But after thinking about it, he realized that they just wanted Renji to stabilize the young Shinigami. Ichigo was an important 'tool' to the Gotei 13, and if he was suffering from something that could interfere with his duty, then letting Renji stay with him for the time being was a good choice. Renji knew he wasn't just here to act as Seireitei's 'healer'; he was here because Ichigo needed him. Because Renji needed to see Ichigo back to his normal self. Renji wasn't lying when he said he cared deeply for the orange haired man. Ichigo was something precious to him, and he just needed time to think about his feelings.

But now that he saw the effects of the drugs on Ichigo, he wasn't sure how fast the boy would recover. For the first few days, it was very hard on the man. Renji had walked in on him a number of times trying to find a needle. After he had given up the hopeless search, Renji started to notice the symptoms of the drugs. Ichigo seemed very talkative at times but agitated, and he could tell he had not slept in a long time. He still was not eating much of anything, and little words would set him off in panic attacks. There was one night that the red head had caught the man flirting with him shamelessly, and Renji decided Ichigo having an increased libido wasn't such a bad thing.

Then the withdrawal symptoms started to appear. He had woken up to find Ichigo pacing, reorganizing things only to come back and reorganize them once again. He repeated a number of daily things he usually did, ranging from tapping his fingers on the table, to brushing his teeth several times a day. When they ate, it was usually cup stacking or finger drumming. He had finally started sleeping, but it was excessive. Renji was just used to it all by now.

It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realise I'm never gonna quit you over time

It was a few days later that Ichigo had asked Renji to sleep with him. The red haired Shinigami was unsure of what to say. Ichigo was still suffering from depression, and Renji was afraid his soul was still too unstable.

But Ichigo insisted he was fine. Coming up with a compromise, Renji told him he would sleep in the same bed as him, until Ichigo started looking better. The orange haired Shinigami frowned at this, and asked if Renji thought he was too unattractive to sleep with.

"Well… at least you still have some of your humour. Ichigo, you already know that isn't true. Hell, if you were well, I would probably be dragging you into the bedroom to fuck without you even asking me to. But as it stands… I don't want to break you."

Ichigo always gave him a weird look when Renji refused sex. It was a 'what the fuck are you thinking… it's SEX' look. Renji wondered what he was doing as well. But at least one of them had to be level headed about this relationship. So he settled for sleeping next to the man at night. The orange haired Shinigami always clung to him tightly. Like if he went away he would die. He probably would die, with the state of his mentality. So Renji never let Ichigo go.

It's like I can't breathe
(It's like I can't breathe)
It's like I cant see anything
Nothing but you
(It's like I can't see)
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
(It's like I'm not me)
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
(In my thoughts)
In my dreams
(In my dreams)
You're taking over me
(Over me)
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Ichigo still had his dreams that tormented him. Renji figured part of the reason Ichigo had been so low was because of the war. The younger man had seen a lot and had had some of his own friends die in it. The whole 'Renji doesn't love me like I do' excuse wasn't the entire reason.

Renji had learned to cope with things. He had been a Shinigami longer; he had done the whole war thing before. Ichigo on the other hand was just a rookie when it came to wars. Didn't Soul Society think about this? Shouldn't they have realized Ichigo wouldn't be able to cope with something as heavy as this alone?!

It's like I'm lost
(It's like I'm lost)
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you a no

For the first time in weeks, Ichigo told Renji he was ready to go outside more. The pair had gone for a couple of walks during the younger man's recovery, but Ichigo always got tired after the first half hour and they would return.

But now, the Shinigami wanted to go see Urahara and the others. He told Renji he couldn't ignore them forever, just because it would bring back memories. They went, even though Renji knew it would be a solemn occasion.

They hadn't been to see Urahara, Chad and Ishida in a long time. Not since their funerals. Ichigo, being Ichigo, blamed himself for their deaths, even though they clearly weren't he fault. Urahara had been in the real world, no where near the orange haired man, at the time of his death. Ishida and Chad had died fighting beside each other when a group of Arrankar had attacked. They were human, and their stamina could just not last as long as the Shinigami. They were just too tired.

But Ichigo said he had dragged them into the war. (Of course, Renji always told himself, he hadn't actually. It was their choice.) Standing at their graves, the red haired vice captain felt the uneasy shift in Ichigo's reiatsu.

"I am sure Orihime is around… want to go visit her? Tatsuki should be there too. How 'bout Yoruichi? Heard she still lives at the Shouten-."

"That's ok. I am sure they're busy with the café. Hey Renji…"

"Yeah?"

"Let's… go get drunk…"

Drinking was the one thing Renji was ok with Ichigo doing. Hell, even Renji drank himself into forgetting sometimes. As long as the red head was there to make sure Ichigo didn't so anything stupid, they could get pissed drunk for all he cared.

Ichigo talked more when he was drinking as well. Talked about the war and about his drug problem. Talked about all the things he wishes he could have redone or the things he hated about himself. Renji joined into those conversations too at some point, jabbering on about how he should have done this and that to protect Rukia.

Ichigo still couldn't handle his sake very well. Keep in mind, he was still underage, but after all those times in Seireitei, you'd think the guy would have grown to it a little better. But he was always hammered after only 8 shots, and Renji was even trying to dilute it.

"Y'know what else I hate? Fuckin' Arrankar cheat when they fight. Dirty fightin' and all that shit. Should be a limit to all the crap they can do. S'not fair."

"I dunno. I think ya could say the same 'bout some Shinigami. Got some weird Zanpakutou out there."

"I dun think I like cheaters… takes away from the game."

"'Course."

Ichigo shifted, resting his head on Renji's shoulder. "Ren…"

"Mnn?"

"M'I better yet?"

"Well, yer definitely drunk. But better? Perhaps. Ya still wanna kill yer self?"

"Wasn't trying to kill my self. It was just… ya know…"

"Yeah… ok. I guess yer better… still not hundred percent though."

"It's fine then." Lips were warm against his and it wasn't until Renji was flat on his back that he registered what Ichigo wanted.

"Wait-."

"You said when I was better Ren. I'm better, you said so yer self."

"You want to do this drunk again?"

Ichigo stopped for a moment. "Do you pity me?"

"Well no-."

"Then it's fine. Just don't leave in the morning'."

"Like fuck I'd leave you."

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can take it
Just one more hit
I promise
I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time than that's it
Just a little bit more
To get me through it

It wasn't as awkward as the first time. They were a little more aware of what they were doing this time, and all questions were already answered. Renji wanted to take things slow at first, but Ichigo's needy fingers pulled him closer and the red head eventually gave up resolve.

The sex was hard and lustful, just as the orange haired man had been wanting. He was very vocal about what he wanted, and Renji gave it to him. Sharp cries of 'more!' could be heard throughout the small apartment. And it wasn't until their hearts were slowing that Ichigo cuddled into Renji repeating "I love you" a thousand times over.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can take it
Just one more hit
I promise
I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time than that's it
Just a little bit more
To get me through it

When Renji awoke, Ichigo was still attached to him. Not wanting to wake him, no matter how badly the red head had to take a piss, Renji tried to relax once again. Ichigo shifted once, grunting in his sleep and rubbing his forehead on the tattooed chest. His eyes fluttered open slowly, and he mumbled.

"No more drinking. Next time, fuckin' hit me if I suggest it. Gotta piss like mad."

"Yer not the only one! Move… I woke first!" The red head slipped out from the younger Shinigami's grasp and ran for the washroom. Ichigo tried not to chuckle at the loud, pleased sounding sigh that emitted from behind the closed door. Renji appeared a few minutes later, stepping past Ichigo who took his turn. Once they were both done doing natures call, they sat next to each other on the small futon.

"So…"

"When do you… leave?"

"What?"

"Well… you can't stay here forever, I realize that. You're only here to make sure I don't screw up again. I mean, Soul Society still needs me and-."

"That's not it!" Ichigo's ears perked at this. "That's… not the only reason I am here, and you know it. I still care about ya, ya know. Anyone that knew ya could have come if it was only to fix yer problem. I wanted to stay here with ya because you need me. I need ya…"

"Renji…" Ichigo played with the side of the futon absent-mindedly. "This is going to sound extremely stupid… but I think I am still on drugs."

"What?!"

"Yeah… you got me so addicted to you, I need more."

Silence. "…Oh God you didn't just say that."

"I said it would sound really stupid."

"No… No that was just fuckin' corny. GOD Ichigo, you aren't going to turn me on with those crappy pick up lines!"

"Well EXCUSE ME for just speakin' my mind!"

Renji ruffled soft orange hair. "I know. And no matter how corny you are, I still love ya."

Ichigo paused. "…Say it again."

"I love you." Ichigo reached for the other mans arm and pulled him closer. "Again."

"I love you." Ichigo was on his back now, Renji smirking at him from above. "Once more."

"I'll say it the whole day if you'd like."

"Please… it's addicting."

"I love you I love you I love you."

---fin