The months had passed in a blur, each day blending into the next. Shawn hadn't done much since his argument with Hunter and heart to heart with Kevin. The empty promises to seek help had fallen and shattered mere days after he'd spoken them.

Rebecca hadn't come back for at least a week.

The never ending week of loneliness and heartache had stretched out into eternity.

Shawn shivered in the golden light, the dying warmth of summer weaning to autumn offered him no solace as he recollected Rebecca's assurances to leave for good if he didn't clean up his act. She vowed to take his baby with her, his little boy and the family he'd so desperately craved would be gone forever.

Unlike him, Rebecca could keep a promise.

Shawn tucked socked feet beneath him, glanced out the window at the vast greenery around him, the leaves skeletal and pale in comparison to their usual lush richness, shadows of their former selves.

There was a tear in his jeans, he fingered the frayed fabric, the rip split through the silence but he didn't care. He wanted to avert his gaze from the pitiful plants beating at his window, clawing their way into his consciousness – they weren't they only things dying and withering to ghosts of their former selves, there was more than one living thing being stripped of vitality.

He'd chosen to stay here, allowing Rebecca and Cameron to go shopping without him. Why bother? He'd only ruin it for them, just like he did everything else.

He continued pulling at the threads of his jeans, tearing them apart at the seams, the hole spread and oozed like the black hatred and self deprecation that pulsated through his veins.

He looked up from his destruction as the room dimmed, the sun hidden by greying clouds, the sky heavy and bristling with the threat of rain.

He remembered standing in thunderstorms before, glancing up at the blackened sky in the hot and humid air as ice cold water pelted his face, he remembered the energy that coursed through his veins, the thrill that shivered and trembled up his spine with every rumble.

The lightening would crack the sky in two, douse him in a blue flash and he would laugh, he knew no fear, could look danger in the face and not falter.

Now he could barely look himself in the eye as his reflection twisted in the mirror each morning.

Now he had no courage, no energy.

All he had was hatred and fury for the world that had shunned him, for parents who expected far too much, for friends who refused to accept him; mostly he had hatred for himself.

Deep at the crux of the hatred, love bubbled and thrived amongst the panic and fear. He would give his life for Rebecca and Cameron. How could he do anything less?

Without them he was truly nothing.

Yet the void he'd thought they'd fill still remained deep and gaping within him.

He sighed, his heart hammering painfully against his ribcage, he hoped Rebecca made it back before the storm broke, knew Cam was terrified of the howling wind and thundering crashes that came hand in hand with Texas thunder storms.

He peered out of the window his face mirrored in the darkened pane contemplating what Rebecca had asked of him the night before. She wanted him to accompany her to church, to see if he could gain support there, she said it had really helped her.

He felt his brow crease with scepticism, he'd been to church before and all they'd helped him with was his insomnia.

He nibbled at his lip, shame flooding him at his thoughts,

This was new. Normally he could care less what he did in relation to religion.

He looked down at the sill, glanced at his wife's Bible from the corner of his eye.

Shawn picked it up with shaking hands, smoothed the worn cover. Rebecca was always reading it; the spine was cracked and frayed from over use.

Maybe he could find help in here.

He opened the book to where Rebecca had left off the night before.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. (John 14:18)"

Shawn mouthed the words breathlessly before snapping the book shut with a bang.

"If you're so great where are you now?" he hissed angrily. His heart flared with fear, he couldn't understand how he'd been feeling so alone and as soon as he'd opened the sacred book his eyes had been drawn to that phrase.

Maybe God doesn't converse with people who don't listen

"And maybe I don't converse with stupid voices in my head" muttered Shawn

Yet here you are doing just that.

He placed the Bible gently back where he'd found it, could feel a slight shift in him, a feeling of nervousness and foreboding.

He allowed his gaze to rise back to the window pane; desperately sought his wife and child.

They were safe

Familiar.

They didn't scare him.

He gulped deeply, ran his tongue over cracked lips. Rebecca prayed all the time when she needed direction. He'd heard her pleading for guidance in the early hours when she thought he was still asleep.

"God?" he whispered softly, "I know I'm not, I mean I don't –"

He faltered, his rasping voice echoing throughout the empty house.

This was stupid.

He exhaled shakily, maybe praying worked better in a church.

Then again Rebecca prayed at home all the time

Ah but do they come true?

Shawn kneaded his forehead with weathered knuckles. He didn't have the answers anymore.

" God, I need your help" he blurted softly, the words escaping on a breath of urgency, " I need you to show me what to do so I don't lose them. I can't lose them. I need to be a better person. Will you help me? Please"

His voice cracked and faltered at the end of his plea.

" Are you there God?"

Silence swam around him, not even the voice in his head remained to keep him company as the salted tear trickled down the bridge of his nose.