This Time Imperfect

Disclaimer: I do not own This Time Imperfect by AFI, and I don't own any characters or even the plot of this songfic. It was just a thought that pounced into my head and I had to write it.

I turned from the oven, all anger fading, replaced with hopeless misery. How could I have killed my own wife? I strode slowly over where she lay, face peaceful. It was a change from when I'd seen her last, a mad beggar woman. It hurt to think of her that way, so I tried to recall her smiling face. But that picture had faded, carried away by the blood I had let flow in my quest for revenge. There was no way to recall that memory. I was sorry for that. I fell to my knees beside her, studying her face, trying to hold back tears. I picked her up, pulling her close very gently.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" I whispered, repeating her last words. The memory burned a hole in my heart, and it grew bigger as I thought about it more and more. I wanted to turn back time, stop myself from slitting her throat, but there was no way to do that. I could only placate myself with the hope that maybe she hadn't felt anything, hadn't finished putting my face with a name. My heart still burned, though most of it was an empty hole.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

I gently pushed the hair out of her face to see her features more clearly. It had been fifteen years since I'd last seen her. I wished our reunion could have been different. Maybe we could have picked up the broken pieces of our life and tried to fit them back together. There would be no more Sweeney Todd. It would just be me and her, Benjamin and Lucy Barker.

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I make believe.
Imagine heart, I disappear, seems,
No one will appear, here and make me real.

Maybe we would've found Johanna, told her the truth. Maybe she would understand why her parents had never been there. Perhaps I could have made Lucy well. We could have gone somewhere where no one knew us. But there was no hope for that now. Lucy was gone forever. My heart ached with words I could never say to her.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

Tears slowly leaked from my eyes. There was no hope for my life to be put back together, the wounds would never heal. I could sense someone behind me, but I didn't turn to see them. I lifted my head slightly, staring into space as I remembered the moment when my razor slashed through the soft tissue at her throat. She hadn't deserved that. I felt horrible. I hardly moved as I felt something cold and sharp at my throat, dropping my head back to look at Lucy's face. Blood poured from my throat.

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.

The blood flow did not stop, and I made no move to save myself. I didn't deserve to live. I stared at my beautiful wife, dead at my own hands, struggling to focus on her. The blood still poured, some of it dripping onto her face, her eyelids, her lips, pooling beneath and around us. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, I thought, begging for forgiveness that I knew I did not deserve.

Oh,
There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

I did not let her go. I wouldn't. If this was the only reunion to be had, I wasn't going to let her go until I couldn't hold on any more. I wished I could believe that we would be together again in the afterlife, but that would be lying to myself, and only set myself up for more hurt. She was a beautiful angel, and I was a demon damned to the fiery pits of hell. We'd never be together again.

Just how much this, hurts me.

I…I love you…I thought one last time before darkness closed over my vision. I'm so very sorry. I only wish I could see you again. I never meant for this to happen to you. I'm sorry, my love. Please forgive me.

Just how much you...