Marching Band for Morons was born one day when I was rather bored. I figured that there were enough Idiot's Guides and Dummies books about random subjects that marching band deserved its own "how to" manual. This is meant entirely in jest; I adore marching band. Any snide comments are made completely in fun. With that said, please enjoy!

Marching band: (MAR-ching Band) A body of students that engages in the act of moving about a football field in various formations, while also playing (or attempting to play, in some cases) a variety of instruments.

In other words, it is a band that marches.

There are a great many things that you should probably know when you join marching band. However, they are also the things that nobody will ever get around to telling you.

They're not the normal, bandish things, like how fast you should be able to march, or how good of a player you should be. No, they're odd little tidbits like how much sugar/caffeine you need to ingest in order to keep going for eighteen hours of the day (three sodas at regular intervals with some chocolate and pixie stix thrown in about halfway through), or the funny personality quirks many sections seem to possess.

Thus, Marching Band for Morons was born, telling you all of the things you ever need to know about band (and probably more...).

This guide covers many topics (somewhat sarcastically), such as:

-Band camp (or boot camp, as it is "fondly" called)

-The brass (the BEST part of the band)

-The woodwinds (eh, they're okay…)

-The percussion (which serves as a source of both constant irritation and entertainment)

-The colorguard (very nice in their own way, but oh-so-scary in others)

-Football games (ahh, concessions, halftime shows, and stand music…oh, and the football, I suppose)

-Competitions (fun, but a horrendously long day)

-Parades (I would say "Yay," but I'd be lying)

-Bus rides (one of the best parts)

-Directors and drum majors (the heart of the band)

The very first thing you need to know about marching band starts with the first (and most important step): signing up. Before you decide that you are definately joining, think about what you are doing; you are selling your SOUL to your band director, and you will not get it back.

For four to five grueling, torturous months, you belong to the drum majors and directors, answering to their every will and whim. By the end of band season, they could tell you to pick your nose and you would--well, maybe not pick your nose, but you get the idea.

Anyway, you need to consider what you're signing up for. Think to yourself, "Do I really want to subject myself to endless hours of marching, sore lips, concussion/death by guard flag/saber, etc?" If your answer is yes, then you belong in band (or a nice, padded room. Your call, though).

It's not all about the bad things, though. Band is a great experience; you get to meet new people, visit new places, and, best of all, you get into every football game free of charge.

However, there are some things you should be wary of when you join your local marching band. As a freshman, you are new to the band, and are therefore considered "fresh meat." Throughout the band season, you will be subjected to various indignities such as rookie night/week/some sort of embarrassing initiation, or, my favorite, being told that your plume is on backwards. For the sake of the upperclassman who tells you that, fall for it. It will make them happy.

You tend to get a lot of diversity people-wise in a marching band. There are usually a few kids who only sign up because they are forced to, or because they just want to go on the band trip (the rest of the band ends up detesting them). Then there are those who are really into band, but who lack the skills necessary to communicate with the rest of the human race (they can be REALLY annoying).

There are also those who believe that they are THE best marcher, or THE best player, and who spend the entire season attempting to correct the rest of the band (and usually they're the one's messing up).

Last but not least, you have the band geeks and the...somewhat band geeks. Band geeks are completely into the music and marching, and generally get along with everybody. While they can have lives outside of band, you'll find that most of them don't. Somewhat band geeks are the ones who play the music well and march pretty well, but only consider band something they do after school.

Consider the band as a salad. Somewhat band geeks are the lettuce, and are therefore the most common. Band geeks and the unwilling are the tomatoes and carrots, and the annoying are the cucumbers. The "really-into-band-but-socially-deprived" are the dressing; depending on the band (or salad), they can either be plentiful or in short supply. The guard members are tomatoes, as, much like said fruit, you either like them or you don't.

Oh, and the percussion...they're beyond all of the bizzare analogies above...they can be the croutons, because croutons rock.

Now, aforementioned weird analogies aside, marching band puts all other school activities to shame. Football pales in comparison to this activity of champions...okay, okay...most bands are shunted to the side as the football team basks in the limelight...but band is STILL BETTER!

Remember that. Marching band OWNS football.

...good luck convincing everyone else, though...

Go to chapter two for the next installment of this guide: Brass Almighty (guest-starring trumpets, mellophones, trombones, baritones, and sousaphones)