I do not own Final Fantasy XII.

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Abdomens & Swedes

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Here we start, meeting a child (with an unruly looking abdomen) slaughtering rats in the sewers. This Ratsbane child has yet to learn of my existence, but he will. This Vaan will meet me, Al-Cid, and his female traveling companions will swoon over Al-Cid and his sexy accent.

This boy may swoon as well, but due to the lack of cannon couples in this adventure, his gender preference is unknown.

As Al-Cid was saying, here we start, in the disgustingly filthy underground waterway. Our little Aladdin-style protagonist yells something to a little child (who shakes so much it looks like he's having a mild seizure) about being ready to kill wolves in a desert now that he's gutted a few rats.

Al-Cid does not like the desert sands, they ruin his leather pants.

Dear whatever-you-ares are all probably wondering, 'Al-Cid, you, beautiful prince, why are you telling us the story of a street urchin?"

Al-Cid has complained that Al-Cid is not seen enough during this adventure to have a suitable amount of fan-girls for his overall gorgeousness. Thus, Al-Cid asked to narrate the epic story of this boy and his friends on their freedom-fighting quest.

A memo from the director of this epic journey has forced to include as much of the story as possible, but that is no fun at all, so we'll just have to skip boring parts and fastforward to the fun.

Continuing with our tale, our protagonist has scampered back up to his city, which reminds Al-Cid of Arabia and Aladdin.

Vaan, pulling an Aladdin (without the fez), is stealing some stuff, but doesn't get caught because Aladdin is never caught. And because he cannot be locked away in a disgusting prison so early on in this adventure, since all adventures need almost-innocent, geek-sheek protagonists.

Enter Penelo: Vaan's friend with hair that sticks out at gravity-defying angles, Swedish style. The girl emasculates Vaan, and now it seems, Ratsbane is off to see Migelo.

Migelo, a nasal-voiced Bangaa who likes a good bottle of wine tells Vaan, with much resistance, to go to the sandsea to pick up foodstuffs.

How quaint.

Aladdin jogs off to the bar to speak with Tomaj.

Al-Cid really likes how all the citizens who will talk to you have smiley-faces above their heads.

Tomaj speaks very fast and wears a dispicable colour of orange. The bartender tells our protagonist about a wretched tomato who has been attacking merchants.

Al-Cid will skip another boring part of this journey involving the license board thing that has little faces without noses on them.

After Vaan and this orange-clad man speak about some nonsense Al-Cid wasn't paying attention to, we discover that the shaky-seizure-boy is in trouble for not completing an errand.

Thus, the hunt for the Rougue Tomato begins.

Al-Cid begins to regret signing on to narrate this.

Aladdin-boy must now make his way to the Estersand in order to dispose of this tomato.

It will, of course, die at the sight of Vaan's non-CGI-abs. The aforementioned part of his anatomy resembles a spider, and looks inside-out.

Ah, the Rogue Tomato has perished, and Vaan is picking flowers. They're rare, boy, don't pick them because your dead brother likes them.

Let us skip the journey back to the city, as it is rather pointless for us to watch him wander aimlessly through the sand.

Here we are, Penelo is speaking, emasculating him some more.

Al-Cid is tired. While Vaanikins is in Old Dalan's smoke den, Al-Cid will get his much needed beauty sleep.

This is Al-Cid, signing off.