One day Sakura got raped. Really. For real. She got raped so bad she was traumatized for like, a week. She wasn't even doing anything, either. She was just minding her own business when this guy raped her. What an asshole!

So anyways, she was walking home alone at night in the alleys of the ghetto part of Konoha because she was so brave. She was so brave she didn't care about the gangs or crack dealers, either. They could kiss her sparkly pink ass. She had long petal colored hair down to her kneecaps and beautiful green eyes. And for some reason she had big boobs. And she was like...eighteen or something, because if she was underage this would just be weird, right? Anyway, this all meant that she was very, very pretty. Everyone in Konoha was in love with her, including Tsunade. So were Tsunade's slugs.

So she was walking, very sexily, because she didn't really know how not to be sexy. She was just so sexy! And then this guy jumped out from behind a trash can or something. Sakura tried to fight him off, but he was really strong. And stuff.

After he had raped her Sakura just lay on the ground, sobbing. But that didn't make her weak. Because she wasn't. Sakura was horrifyingly unbelievably awesome. Period.

For some reason Sasuke happened to be walking around the same place Sakura was, talking to himself. "God I fucking love Sakura. I. Fucking. Love. Her. I just act like I'm asexual so Kakashi won't come on to me. My life sucks!"

Suddenly he tripped over something. He looked down and saw a bunch of pink and red stuff, then realized it was Sakura. He gasped and dropped to his knees.

"omg why are you crying?"

She sniffled. "I was raped."

"Noooo!" Tears started pouring down his face, and he felt more sucky than usual. In fact, he felt so bad he felt worse than Sakura did. That bitch got off easy.

"Who did it?" He asked, suddenly angry and not all that sad anymore.

Sakura lifted a limp hand and pointed in some general direction. Sasuke leapt to his feet and ran off. He tracked that guy down and killed the shit out of him. Because he was so angry! Grrr!

When he came back Sakura was in the exact same place he had left her. He leaned down and picked her up bridal style. And in case you don't know what bridal style means I'll go ahead and spend an entire paragraph describing it. One hand slipped under her knees, and the other...went behind her back or something. He pulled her close. It was very romantic! And sexy. Because Sasuke was always sexy. Hot sexy love.

"He's dead," he said seriously, because this was really a quite serious situation, obviously.

"Oh, Sasuke," she sighed. "I love you."

"I love you too, Sakura. I love you more than I hate my brother. Which I'm pretty sure is a lot."

And then they started making out, and eventually had sex right there on the street. Like, on the ground. Holy shit.

They went to Vegas and got married and had lots of babies. And Sakura got raped a few more times, but Sasuke was always there to comfort her, so that was okay. They ended up living somewhat happily in a little cottage by the sea. And Sasuke killed his brother, at some point. So Sakura made a cake to celebrate.

THE END.

No, I don't hate Sasuke, Sakura, or SasuSaku. If I did I wouldn't write about them, because all I would manage to get out would be an incoherent rant of utter rabies-induced RAGE, and no one wants to read that. It's easier to parody things I only feel somewhat strongly about, because that way I can sit back and giggle at it from a safe unbiased perspective.

Not that there's anything unbiased about this.

By the way, I like Sasuke, Sakura, and SasuSaku. So if you're going to bitch then bitch about the actual writing. OR you can bitch about how offended you are, because then I can make fun of you. Thoroughly.