Unhealed

Ed woke up early after a miserable sleep. Why sleep in when his mind would continue to taunt him with that? He stretched, then stood at the side of his bed, rolling his shoulders and cracking his joints, at least the ones that weren't automail. Bleary-eyed, he walked to the dresser, getting the faintest whiffs of coffee from downstairs. Screw getting dressed. He didn't have much to hide, and with as early as it was, Ed took bets the other man was still in his underwear too. Ed did his best to slick down a few pieces of rebellious hair before going to the bedroom door and opening it.

He could hear talking going on downstairs and for a second, he thought his roommate had lost his mind, until he heard the second voice and remembered that Al was downstairs. He could hear them talking, Al's voice asking how Ed was as discretely as he could. The brothers didn't talk much any more, and honestly, Ed didn't have a clue what to say to his brother.

And despite that, Al was still Al, even if younger than Ed had anticipated he would be after he got his body back. He worried about Ed, wanted to stay with him, but never argued when his brother told him he'd be better off with the Rockbells.

Ed made his way down the stairs, listening to his brother's teenaged voice cracking as he talked. He smiled at that, a sign that there were real vocal chords in the process of going through puberty. Yet, he still felt the twinge of guilt. He'd made errors when he'd gotten Al his body back, or perhaps, he'd just been too optimistic to expect that Al would come back as a fifteen-year-old, memories intact. He'd hoped his little brother would remember their time traveling together, that he wouldn't start talking about this journey or that, only to have Al look at him blankly, obviously not recalling any of it.

No, the Gate hadn't been satisfied with that.

But even when he found himself confronted with a version of his brother much younger than he'd anticipated, Ed had been able to see the benefit in it. Al had not had memory of trying to bring their mother back, the pain of being taken through the Gate and sacrificing his body. For so long, Ed had shouldered that burden, despite his brother's protests that it had been both of their faults. Really, Ed had been relieved that he could just accept it as his responsibility with no further argument from Al, because he knew it was his.

But no. Even pieces of Al's memory were coming back. By no means did he remember everything, but he had nightmares about their idiotic attempt at that transmutation. He remembered people too. Roy without the patch; Archer, the bastard; Gracia giving birth to Elysia; Maes...

Al did remember Maes, but not Ed and Maes, and Ed had done nothing to correct that. Ed blinked away forming tears, internally yelling himself at still being so hurt after all this time. Then again, it would not have still been so fresh if Ed hadn't been trapped in Germany around that other Maes who wasn't Maes.

He shook his head, trying to ignore thoughts of the prejudiced man who stared at Ed in that all-too-familiar way and yet denied his attraction as something loathsome. Yes, that Maes had gone out of his way to persecute Ed at times, and Ed had let him. He had been the closest thing to the man Ed lost.

Ed blinked a few more times before walking into the kitchen, trying to look as though he was bleary-eyed, rather than near tears.

"Morning, Al," he said, patting his brother on the shoulder.

"Hi, Brother," Al said in a chipper, though fluctuating voice.

"Here," a low voice said, handing him a cup of coffee, no cream, lots of sugar.

"Thanks, Roy," he answered, taking the drink.

"I'm making breakfast, any preferences? Alphonse wants omelets." Roy opened the refrigerator and began pulling out eggs and milk.

"Fried egg sandwich," Ed answered. Roy nodded and started cooking.

Ed could feel his brother's eyes on him. "What?" he snapped.

"Nothing," Al said, sounding nervous.

The older brother sighed. "I'm sorry, Al."

Roy looked over at him, concern evident in his remaining eye. "Ed? Bad night?"

"Just dreams, you know..." Ed was purposely being vague.

"Nightmares?" Al asked, looking obviously concerned. And why wouldn't he? When sleep was full of nightmares for him, they were full of chimera Nina Tuckers and half-formed homunculi.

"No, actually," Ed admitted. "Just, wishful thinking that can't happen. I'd rather have nightmares."

"Brother, why would you say that? I couldn't imagine wanting nightmares."

Roy was still looking at him, lips pursed together, and Ed could swear he could see his surrogate father holding his breath. Obviously Roy had no idea how Ed would answer. Truthfully, neither did he.

"Well, with a nightmare, when you wake up, it's better. With dreams that are too happy, when you wake up, it can only be worse." Ed paused and looked at the young face, with its overly-large brown eyes. Al would probably never look his age. "Does that make any sense?"

"I suppose so," Al said. There was a small flicker of hurt in Al's eyes, and almost immediately, Ed began fumbling over his words.

"Al, I didn't mean you at all, I meant, well, there were other things in my life that I just hoped would be different, and they're not. And in the dreams they are, but there's no way I can fix them. You know, like, things about me."

"You mean like the fact that you're gay?" Al asked rather bluntly.

There was the sound of a pan hitting the counter as Roy was obviously as startled by the question as Ed was.

"Where would you get an idea like that?" Ed asked.

"I heard," Al looked down at his hands in his lap, "I heard Winry talking."

Ed's posture somehow got straighter at that. It had been one of the risks of letting Al stay with the Rockbells, but it outweighed how royally Ed felt he would mess things up if he was responsible for his brother.

"Do you think it's true?"

"Some of it," Al said. "I really wonder if you are gay, just by things I see you do, but the other part, I know that isn't true."

"What other part?" Roy asked, his own body tense, flashes of anger more evident in the single black eye than in his evenly-spoken words.

"That you two are a couple," Al said. "That's what Winry thinks, since you live together and Roy has been lobbying for gay rights."

Despite his other feelings, Ed could only chuckle at that idea. "Roy and me?" he asked. "Really?" He laughed harder.

"That is wrong on so many levels," Roy said, turning to mix up the egg and milk mixture for the omelets.

"I didn't think so," Al said. "When I'm around you, I feel like I'm around a father and son, and that's why Roy is so determined to get parliament to recognize gay couples because you're like family. You'd have a very messed up relationship if you were dating."

"Al, what would you think if I was gay?" Ed asked.

"I'd think I feel bad for you, because a lot of people still don't accept it, but I would." Al's eyes met Ed's. "You were dating someone, before, weren't you? I don't remember exactly, but that seems right, that you had a boyfriend."

Ed sighed. "Yes, Al, I was. You remember that man, Maes Hughes?"

Al nodded. "Him? Brother, he was married, a father, and you two… How could you do that to Mrs. Hughes?"

"She was aware of the situation, Alphonse," Roy said, still cooking the omelet for Ed's brother. "She had always been aware that Maes was not interested in women."

"But they married…" Al's voice drifted off in his confusion.

"She always knew," Roy said, his voice quiet. "You have to understand, there were a lot of circumstances behind it. Not only was she worried for Maes, since his personality tended to attract the wrong kinds of attention, but she had reasons, herself."

Ed looked up at Roy, curious. He'd never heard this part of the story before, even after all these years. He'd always just assumed Gracia married Maes because he was her friend and she was just that good of a person.

"You see, Gracia fell for a cadet, dark-haired, fair complexion, a little like Maes," he said, not looking at either of the Elric brothers. "They didn't have an open relationship, but on two occasions, they spent the night together. Then Gracia found out she was pregnant, and the cadet had gone for training to be a state alchemist. Full training through the military at that time meant months without outside contact." Roy's body was rigid. "In a mutual move to help one another, Gracia and Maes became engaged, but before they actually married, she lost the baby." He flipped the omelet.

"You mean that you and Gracia were together?" Ed asked.

"Why do you think I teased Maes so often about taking his wife from him the moment you two would be able to be a couple publicly?" Roy asked, putting the omelet on a plate and putting it in front of Al.

"But why did you let her marry Mr. Hughes?" Al asked.

"Because it was easier that way," Roy explained, moving back to fix Ed's breakfast. "I was not in a position to be a good husband, and Maes needed her. She was loyal to him, even if not in a traditional sense, and wanted to help him."

"And now, it feels wrong to be with her?" Ed asked him.

Roy nodded, cracking an egg into the skillet. "Like we're both dishonoring his memory."

Ed stood and looked over at the older man. "He would never think of it that way, Roy, and you know it. He'd be pretty pissed that you're both so miserable when there is a chance for you to be happy."

"That's the pot calling the kettle miserable," Roy said.

Ed opened his mouth to come back with some retort, only to find it die on his lips. He sat back down at his place at the table. There was silence as Roy fixed Ed's sandwich, until finally, Al broke it.

"Brother, guess what? Roy said he'd sponsor me to become a state alchemist. He said he'd even work it out so that I could do research more often than anything."

"A state alchemist, Al?" Ed looked over at his brother, hardly noticing as food was set in front of him.

"Being a state alchemist has changed. Even you've said it," Al said. "I could stay here in Central and work on research rather than actually go out and fight. I could develop new medicines, healing techniques, even better technology. I'd be doing good things, and I'd get to stay here in Central with you. Not that I don't love Winry and Auntie Pinako, but I feel wrong being so far away. And the memories that come back to me, you are the only person who can make sense of them, good or bad."

No correct response was coming to him, so Ed remained silent.

Al looked down at the table. "Do you mind having me here?"

Ed's only response was to hug his brother. A lot of things had changed, but above all else, Al hadn't. That simple fact seemed to keep Ed's world on its ever-tilting axis firmly in place.

"We'll get the guest room ready for you, Alphonse," Roy said. Then, he looked over at Ed. "And I think some pictures need to come out of storage."

Ed glanced up at Roy, getting the meaning. They had both put away all photos of Maes while the pain was still fresh. It was time for that man's smiling face to be recognized more than in memory.