Chapter 1: Fragile Side Upside Down

Summary: After being raided by the cops, Akatsuki is forced to relocate. The move doesn't go very well, because no one seems to know what "Fragile" or "This Side Up" means. Especially Tobi, because he can't read.

Featuring sexual acts between a Furby and his mailbox master, mysterious Fudgsicle stains, handicapped Hidan and more!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else.

The mullet species are courtesy of the stand up comedian Ralphie May. The grape Kool-Aid is from a Naruto Shippuuden Abridged episode by CanadianJutsu. Check it out on Youtube. It's hilarious.

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"Just put it over there for now."

Two Konoha rednecks with mullets and hand rolled cigarettes hanging out of their mouths dropped a couch carrying a napping Kakuzu onto the crispy brown (frozen) front lawn.

Konan was overseeing the move, frantically darting in and out of the new house while Two Mullets and a Truck and some of the Akatsuki tossed things out of the moving van and the Buick.

"Hey, where do you want this shit, huh?" Hidan yelled, carrying a tower of boxes labeled "Kitchen."

"Can't you read?" Konan asked. Hidan glared, but he looked at the side of the box nearest his eye level and rolled his eyes.

"Well, if you would have fucking told me the boxes were labeled, maybe I would have paid more attention. Seriously."

Hidan stalked off, muttering additional insults that would have made his mother proud. Where did you think Hidan got his colorful language from? The insides of those Laffy Taffy wrappers?

Tobi grabbed a gigantic box and started running with it. Konan nearly had a Kakuzu level heart attack when she heard the happy clinking of broken glass as he raced past her.

Konan watched him trip over Zetsu's foot (the plant man was holding the front door open and vegetating simultaneously) and the box of broken shit flew into the house.

The sailing box of broken breakables knocked Sasori off his ass and sent him sprawling.

The puppet landed in a tote full of empty Pledge cans.

"TOBI!" Sasori yelled, twisting his head around and opening his mouth wide, shooting a spray of purple poison at the clumsy idiot.

Tobi's mask caught the full brunt of it, and Tobi made a loud smacking noise and patted his belly.

"Oh, thank you Sasori-san, I was thirsty, and your grape Kool-Aid hit the spot!"

Sasori's chin hung down to his chest, and he had to lift his hand up to close it.

He was going to find out who had replaced his poison with grape Kool-Aid…and shove a poisoned kunai so far up their ass that they could taste it. It could only be one of two people: Hidan or Deidara.

Who else would mess with Sasori's shit?

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Back at the old crib, Pein and Deidara were fighting off cops while they loaded up the last of their belongings in the mini van.

Yes, the Akatsuki had so much shit crammed in their tiny house that they needed a moving van AND two other vehicles in order to haul it all.

Deidara was flying on one of his clay birds and dropping exploding snowmen on the cops' asses, giggling like mad and spraying Pledge up his nose.

He was so high off of bangs and spray that he started dropping bombs on Pein too.

"Hey!" Pein yelled when a jolly fat frosty exploded in his face.

"Oh…sorry, un! Thought you were someone else!" Deidara called down.

A few seconds later, another bomb hit Pein's box of limited edition Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of Hidden Mist cards (SSSHM), and he screeched like a little fan girl who had just spotted her favorite Yaoi pair sucking face in the street, only to watch them get rundown by a speeding semi seconds later.

"Oh…my…God…" Pein sobbed, falling to his knees and trying to pick up pieces of ripped cards featuring scantily clad musclemen with strangely fitted sharp teeth and extra large swords.

A torn card showing the naked torso of Kisame caught Pein's attention as it's glossy coating shimmered in the sun, and he picked it up and licked it.

"He must be overdoing it on the Candy Cane Crack, un," Deidara murmured to himself, and went back to blowing up cop cars and their respective owners.

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"No, Kisame, I don't think I like this arrangement either," Itachi said from the doorway. Kisame, who was leaning up against a heavy cherry armoire, wiped at his brow.

He was sweating and huffing rather loudly from his efforts.

The poor shark nin had been put to work sliding furniture around (for hours) while Itachi pointed.

"We've rearranged this room twelve times already! I think this set up is fine! Look: I get the window, you get the dark corner and the side with the closet…"

Itachi slid the Fudgsicle he'd been sucking on out of his mouth and pointed it at the shark nin with an icy glare twice as cold as his frozen chocolate treat.

"Do not raise your voice to me…Kisame."

Holy shit. Kisame gripped his cross and prayed to Jesus to let him make it out of this bedroom alive.

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"TOOOBI! Stop! Just fucking STOP!" Konan screamed as Tobi grabbed another box from the van and promptly let it slip through his fingers and fall to the ground.

"Tobi, this box says "Fragile" and "This Side Up." That means that there's delicate stuff in there, like Deidara's tiny ceramic ballerina bear figurines. You don't want to break your senpai's things, do you?" Konan asked, smiling sweetly at the basketball head.

"Oh, no, of course not!" Tobi said, and picked the box up again, looking hard at the letters inscribed in black magic marker.

"Ah, I see what you mean," Tobi said sagely, and flipped the box so that "This Side Up" was now upside down.

"Wait, no—"

But it was too late. Tobi ran off with the box in his hands, and Konan watched helplessly as Tobi banged into the couch and flipped over it, hit Kakuzu in the jewels with his head, and toppled to the floor alongside his box.

Kakuzu jerked awake, howling and curling into a fetal position.

"Sorry, grandpa!" Tobi said loudly, and picked up his battered box full of beheaded ceramic ballerina bear figurines, dusted it off, and went into the house.

"Grandpa" whimpered feebly from the couch.

"You know what, you stupid ugly cunt? I fucking quit this shit," Hidan snapped, walking out of the house with his hand to his hunched back, looking rather like a grandpa himself, what with the silver hair and all.

"Seriously, my back is so out of whack I think I slipped a disk. I need a fucking back brace and a bucket of pain pills. I think I got hemorrhoids or…or hernia, some shit…Fucking make me work like the common help…"

Konan fumbled in her pockets for her pack of Newports while Hidan continued his ranting.

"Fucking work me like a common cousin fucking farm hand…like Cletus and Beavis over here!"

Hidan gestured to the two Konoha rednecks, who had stopped working to fix their mullets. The younger one had Nascar written in Katakana (Nasukaa) shaved into the back of his head. The older one had a bullet (a bald mullet).

"I'm a priest, I'll bless the house, sure! But not haul fucking boxes of shit we don't even need into this dump."

Hidan paused to gesture angrily at the cozy two story house.

"A fucking roach hotel if I ever saw one. This particle board dollhouse is a fucking pile of shit. The other place was bigger. How are we all going to fit? Huh? I was hoping to finally get my own room. You know Kakuzu is a fag, and I can't have him raping me in my fucking sleep. There should be a rule against that. Seriously."

Konan, too stressed to bother with sending the endlessly bitching prick away with paper cuts, sat on Pein's office chair and lit up a cigarette. She was going to ask for a pay raise after this one.

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Pein and Deidara were finally done with the last of the packing and pulled out of the driveway, maneuvering carefully around upended cop cars and body parts.

By the time they hit the highway, Pein had a tick going in his eye. Deidara had cranked up the volume on "Material Girl" and was singing at the top of his lungs, the mouths on his palms lip-syncing along.

"A material gir…HOLY SHIT, UN!" Deidara had stopped mid song to point.

Pein glared at the road block a quarter of a mile ahead.

"Deidara, do your stuff," Pein ordered.

"Un!"

Deidara rolled down his window, hung his head out of it, and started yelling at the cops while he prepared a bomb.

"Oh my God, he's got a gun!" one of the cops yelled as Deidara grabbed a giant clay candy cane and balanced it on the door.

"It's not a gun, un…it's art, bitches!" Deidara bawled and the candy cane became a strange holiday themed red and white automatic weapon, firing off mini candy canes that impaled AND exploded.

Cop cars and bodies went flying, and Pein sped through an opening, gun shots from the few survivors showering on the van and narrowly missing both of the shinobi.

"Woo, that was fun, hm! Let's do it again!"

Pein gave Deidara a scornful look that would have put Kakuzu's death glare to shame.

"Un…sorry…" Deidara mumbled.

The missing Rock nin opened up the glove compartment and found a small packet of Bubblicious bubble gum and popped on into his mouth.

Much to Pain's annoyance, Deidara crumbled up his wrapper and threw it in the back of the van.

"You're going to clean out the van when we're done moving," Pein said angrily.

"But it was an accident, un!"

"…"

The gum wrapper bounced off of a rolled up rug. The Gumby mailbox was wrapped in that blood stained Persian no one really liked but couldn't part with anyway, and it didn't appreciate being treated like trash. It would have its revenge for such an abuse. Oh yes…it would.

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Forty-seven miles and eight road blocks later, Pein pulled the mini van up into the driveway. The Two Mullets and a Truck moving van was gone, having done its job.

Konan ran up to Pein and hugged and kissed him, but Pein let out a howl of pain and pushed Konan away. She hadn't bothered to take her cigarette out of her mouth.

"Damn it, woman!"

"Hey, SASORI NO DANNA! I killed two hundred and forty-seven cops! I think I broke Kakuzu's record, un!"

"I invented the cop massacre, shit head," Kakuzu growled. He had a bag of ice pressed to his crotch, and with a single raised eyebrow, he silenced any questions the blond might have been tempted to ask.

Tobi answered the unasked question anyway.

"Grandpa Kakuzu said I damaged his merchandise!" he yelled as loud as he could. Kakuzu closed his eyes as if in pain. The phrase 'damaged merchandise' had double meaning to the man, both of them exceedingly bad.

Deidara grinned.

"Did he just call you grandpa, un?"

Kakuzu sighed angrily and stalked away. He was in too much agony to help lift anything at the moment, and really didn't know why he'd gone outside in the first place.

Hidan grabbed a large briefcase bearing Sasori's trademark scorpion seal and nearly dropped it when it started to vibrate.

"What the fuck?"

Sasori ran over to Hidan and tried to grab it from him.

"Hey, what the hell you got in this thing? A ten pack of vibrators?"

"Let me have it, it's mine!" Sasori cried, trying to tug the case out of Hidan's hand. Hidan kicked the puppet away.

And the briefcase flew open, various instruments for the purpose of sexual enjoyment clattering to the asphalt. Indeed, there were a few operating vibrators, as well as several cans of Pledge, a packet of Pledge wipes, personal lubricant and other…unmentionables.

Hidan burst into laughter, clutching his stomach and nearly falling over.

"By the wrath of Jashin, you really ARE a sex doll, aren't you? Oh my fucking God, I think I'm going to rupture a disk!"

Something snapped in Hidan's back just then, and he fell on his face in misery. A humming vibrator rolled over to his face, tickling his cheek.

"Will one of you useless shit heads help me!" he shrieked.

Kisame, who had a mysterious sticky brown stain around his mouth, pulled Hidan to his feet.

"Thank…what the fuck? I knew it! Everyone in this fucked up organization is a fudge packing, ass licking fag!"

"I'm not a fag…" Konan said, blowing a puff of smoke that looked amazingly like the Akatsuki clouds out of her mouth.

"No…even worse. You're a dike."

Kisame dragged Hidan away as razor sharp origami candy canes slashed them to pieces.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Tobi helped Sasori gather up his attachments and soon, the minivan was emptied of its contents.

The basketball head was the only one brave enough to unwrap the Gumby mailbox from its Persian rug hell and stick it in the ground at the curb.

As before, when the Gumby mailbox was secure, an eerie aura seemed to envelope the area.

Tobi turned to go, but he thought he heard something.

"Wait…" it said.

"Huh?"

Tobi looked at the Gumby mailbox, and it looked back at him.

"Did you want something, Gumby-san?"

The mailbox said nothing, but Tobi's mask did.

"Sasuke is cold!" it whined.

"Oh, I forgot about you, Sasuke-kun! You hid in my mask when we were being raided by the cops!"

Tobi reached up underneath his mask and pulled out a very charred, very battered looking black Furby. Despite being blown up, it managed to keep its sexy chicken butt hairdo.

The eyes, once black, were now a bloodshot, Sharingan red. But Tobi has a selective memory, so he didn't remember that they weren't supposed to be red.

"Sasuke wants to take a nap in the mailbox!"

Tobi cocked his head, looking puzzled.

"But what if the mailman steals you?"

"Sasuke wants to go in the mailbox right now!"

"Okie dokie then!" Tobi said, and opened up the mailbox and pushed the Furby inside.

"Er…shall I go then?" Tobi asked.

A muffled 'yes' answered him.

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"Hey, where's the washer and dryer?" Konan asked Pein. The two were sitting in the kitchen, taking a break from moving to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate.

"Huh? Wasn't that stuff loaded in the moving van?" Pein said, looking around curiously.

"No…" Konan said slowly, frowning.

Hidan rolled into the kitchen in a stolen wheelchair just then, teeth bared in an angry snarl.

"Hey, some of my shit's missing! Where's my gold plated meat cleaver?"

"And Itachi's Nintendo DS?" Kisame said, following the handicapped priest. Itachi was at Kisame's side, glaring in cold silence.

"And my precious metal clay, un!"

"The DVD player's missing too!" Sasori cried, running into the kitchen with the TV remote and the movie "Pinocchio" he'd gotten as a present from Hidan in his hands.

Everyone looked at each other for a moment, then as one, stalked out to the living room where Kakuzu was stretched out on the couch, the bag of ice still on his crotch.

When he noticed everyone's icy looks, he got up and started heading for the stairs.

"I…think I'm going to lie down in bed…" Kakuzu said slowly.

"Kakuzu, you old fuck, did you pawn all our shit?!"

Despite his aching family jewels, Kakuzu managed to haul ass upstairs, the rest of the Akatsuki, except for Zetsu, on his heels.

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'Yes…' thought the Gumby mailbox to its most faithful servant.

'We shall take revenge upon the Akatsuki for their insolence. And once the Akatsuki are out of our way…together…you and I, sweet Sasuke-kun, will rule the world.

MWA HA HA HA!'

Sasuke-kun shuddered with fright, making the whole tin mailbox vibrate.

'Ooh…daddy likes that…do it again….' The mailbox thought to the Furby sitting inside of him, and Furby Sasuke spent the rest of the night shaking and shuddering, driving his master wild.

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A/N: o.O disturbing! Zetsu was rather lacking in this chapter, but don't worry! He will be totally featured in the next chapter, I promise you. Oh, the suspense!